




Ozzy Osbourne with Chris Ayres

TRUST ME, IM DR. OZZY

Advice form Rocks Ultimate Survivor



Warning:


Ozzy Osbourne is not a qualified medical professional


Caution Is Advised



Seriously, Caution Is Advised



Disclaimer

Some names and personal details in this book have been changed for privacy reasons, and most questions have been edited.

Facts in the pull-out boxes and quiz sections were supplied by Dr. Ozzys research department (hes called Chris), as Dr. Ozzys memory of events between 1968 and the present are not entirely reliable.

This book should not be relied upon for medical purposes.



Important Safety Information

Do not use DR. OZZY if you suffer from medical conditions, ailments, or other health concerns, as this may cause sudden and unsafe death or death-like symptoms. Discuss your mental health with a qualified psychiatrist if youre considering using DR. OZZY. In the rare event that use of DR. OZZY results in the growth of winged testicles, seek immediate medical help, or fly to your nearest hospital. If you are under the age of 18 or an extraterrestrial lifeform, you should not use DR. OZZY. Trials have shown that a low dose of DR. OZZY is no safer than a high dose of DR. OZZY. Even trace amounts of DR. OZZY, which may be undetectable to the human eye, can result in serious damage to wildlife. If you suspect the presence of DR. OZZY, inform government agencies immediately and remain indoors. Use of DR. OZZY is legally prohibited in many territories and may be considered a felony in the United States. If accidental use of DR. OZZY should occur, wash the affected area immediately. DR. OZZY should not be taken with other self-help products, as confusion and bleeding could arise. Users of DR. OZZY have reported instances of cranial detonation, self-amputation, and madness. It is not possible to determine whether these events were directly related to DR. OZZY or to other factors. DR. OZZY does not protect against sexually transmitted diseases, ingrowing toenails, and bovine spongiform encephalitis. The most frequently observed side-effects of DR. OZZY include hysteria and indigestion. Less commonly, leprosy may occur. Also, in clinical studies of DR. OZZY, a small number of men experienced certain sexual side-effects, such as penis detachment and ocular ejaculation. These occurred in less than 99.9% of men and went away in those who stopped using DR. OZZY because of other, more serious side-effects, such as prolonged agony and screaming.



DR. OZZYS MEDICINE CABINET


Essential Items for All Patients

*Might not be legal where you live



The Doctor Is In sane

Introduction



A Note to All Patients

If someone had told me a few years ago that Id end up writing a book of advice, Id have punched them in the nose for taking the piss. I mean, unless the advice is how to end up dead or in jail, Im not exactly qualified. Im Ozzy Osbourne, not Oprah fucking Winfrey.

But here I am: Dr. Ozzy, as people call me now. And to be totally honest with youI love this new gig.

I suppose it all started just before my last world tour, when a bloke from The Sunday Magazine in London came over to my house and asked if I wanted to be their new health and relationship columnist. When Id finished spitting out tea over my Yorkshire terrier, I asked him, Are you sure youve got the right person? He said yeah, they were sure. If I wanted the job, the guy added, readers would write in with their problemseverything from stubbed toes to tearaway kids and fall-outs with the in-lawsand Id give my answers. I wouldnt even have to put pen to paper: someone would call me up every week so I could dictate my words of wisdom over the telephone.

Lookare you absolutely 100 per cent sure youve got the right person? I asked him again.

He just smiled.

The funny thing is, the more I thought about it, the more it made sense in a crazy way. I mean, by all accounts Im a medical miracle. Its all very well going on a bender for a couple of weeks, but mine went on for the best part of 40 years. At one point I was knocking back four bottles of cognac a day, blacking out, coming to again, and carrying on. Meanwhile, during the filming of The Osbournes, I was shoving 42 different types of prescription medication down my neck every single day. Each one of those drugs had about twenty or thirty different side-effects, so at any time, there were about a thousand things wrong with me just thanks to the pills. And that was before the dope I was smoking in my safe room, away from the cameras; or the crates of beer I was putting away; or the speed I was doing before my daily jogs around Beverly Hills. I also used to get through cigars like they were cigarettes. Id smoke em in bed. Do you mind? Id ask Sharon, as I lit up a Cuban the size of the Red October. Please, go ahead shed saybefore whacking me with a copy of Vanity Fair.

Of course, Ive also taken a few well, not-exactly-legal things in my time. There are probably rats in U.S. Army labs whove seen fewer chemicals than I have. Whats amazing is, none of that dodgy shit ever killed me. On the other hand, maybe it shouldnt be such a surprise, given all the other things Ive also survived: like being hit by a plane (it crashed into my tour bus when I was asleep with Sharon in the back); or getting a false-positive HIV test (it turned out that my immune system was knocked out by booze and cocaine); or a suspected rabies infection (after eating a bat); or being told that I had Parkinsons disease (it was actually a rare genetic tremor). I was even put in the loony bin for a while. Do you masturbate, Mr Osbourne? was the first thing the guy in the white coat asked me. Im here for my head, not my dick! I told him.

Oh, and yeah, Ive been dead twice: it happened (so Im told) while I was in chemically induced coma after I broke my neck in a quad bike accident. Ive got more metal screws in me now than an IKEA flatpackall thanks to the amazing doctors and nurses at the NHS.

I always used to say that when I die, I should donate my body to the Natural History Museum. But since accepting the job as Dr. Ozzywhich snowballed into a gig at Rolling Stone, tooI dont have to any more, cos a bunch of scientists from Harvard University offered to take sample of my DNA and map out my entire human genome. What dyou wanna do that for? I asked them. To find out why youre still alive, they said. Thanks to them, I now know for sure that Im a genetic anomalyor at least thats what they told a room full of mega-brains at TEDMED, a medical conference in San Diego, California, when they announced the results in 2010 (see chapter 7: #ch07).

The fact that Im still alive aint the only reason why I decided to become Dr. Ozzy, though. Ive also seen literally hundreds of doctors and shrinks over my lifetimeand Ive spent well over a million dollars on them, which is fucking ridiculousto the point where Im convinced that I know more about being a doctor than some doctors do. And its not just cos of the insane lifestyle Ive led. Im also a terrible hypochondriac. Ill catch a disease off the telly, me. Being ill is like a hobby. Ive even started to diagnose my own diseases with the help of the Internet (or I should say my assistant Tony, who does all the technical stuff, cos I aint exactly Stephen fuckHawking when it comes to using a computer).

Of course, the question I always get is, If youre such a hypochondriac, Ozzy, how could you have taken all those drugs over the years? But the thing is, when you have an addictive personality like mine, you never think anything bads gonna happen. Its like, Oh, well, I didnt do as much as so-and-so: I didnt drink as much as him, didnt do as much coke, etcetera, etcetera Now, that might be fine in theory, but in my case, the so-and-so was usually a certified lunatic like John Bonham. Or, even worse, Mel Gibson. Which meant theyd put enough up their noses to blast off into outer fucking space. Another thing Id always tell myself was, Oh, a doctor gave me the drugs, and he must know what hes doing. But that was ignoring the fact that Id administered the stuff myself, usually at five hundred times the recommended dosage. Its honestly a miracle I didnt end up like Michael Jackson, or any number of other tragic rock n roll cases. In fact, my friends knew me as Dr. Ozzy for years before I started giving advice professionally, cos I was like a walking pharmacy. I remember in the 1980s, a good mate of mine came to me for help with his leg ache, so I went to get my special suitcase, pulled out a pill the size of a golf ball, and said, Here, take one of these. It was Ibuprofen, before you could buy it over-the-counter in Britain. He came back a few hours later and said, Wow! Dr. Ozzy, you cured me! The only problem was that I gave him enough to cure an elephant. The bloke didnt shit or sleep for two months.

He didnt thank me so much for that.

But it aint just medication Ive given to my friends. As insane as it sounds, a lot of people have come to me for family advice. I suppose its cos they saw me raising Jack and Kelly during The Osbournes, and they think Im like an undead Bill Cosby or something. They ask me stuff like, How do I get my kids to have safe sex? or How do I talk to them about drugs? Im happy to help the best I can. The only trouble is, when I talked to my kids about drugs, it was, (a) Wheres your stash? and (b) Can I have some please?

Ive become a better father since then. I mean, during the worst days of my addiction, I wasnt really a father at all, I was just another one of Sharons kids. But Im a different person now: I dont smoke, I dont drink, I dont get highor least not on anything but endorphins from the jogging machine. Which means I enjoy my family more than ever: not just my five amazing kids (two of them to my first wife), but also my five grandkids. Plus, after thirty years, my marriage to Sharon is stronger than ever.

So I must be doing something right.


When you live full-time in Los Angeles, like Ive done for the past few years, you often feel that people spend so much time trying to save their lives, they dont live them. I mean, at the end of the day, were all going to die, one way or another. So why kill yourself with worry?

For me, though, the decision to change my life wasnt really about my health. It was about the fact that I wasnt having fun any more. As I used to say, Id put the wreck into recreation. I was on Ambien, Klonopin, temazapam, chloral hydrate, alcohol, Percocet, codeineand that was just on my days off. But morphine was my favourite. I didnt do it for very long, mind you. Sharon would find me passed out on the kitchen floor with the dog licking my forehead, and she put a stop to it. And thank God she did: Id have kicked the bucket a long time ago otherwise. But it was tobacco that really put me over the edge. Im a singer, thats how I earn a living, but Id get a sore throat, then cough my way through a pack of Marlboro full-strength, to the point where I had to cancel gigs. It was ridiculous; the stupidest fucking habit you could ever imagine. So cigarettes were the first thing I quit, and that started the ball rolling. Now I take drugs only for real things, like high cholesterol and heartburn.

I can understandsort ofif people think its more rock n roll to die young. But what really winds me up is when you hear, Oh, my great-aunt Nelly smoked eighty cigarettes a day and drank sixteen pints of Guinness before going to bed every night, and she lived until she was 103. I mean, yeah, that happens. My own gran lived until she was 99. But the odds aint exactly on your side. Especially not when you get to the age of 62, like me.

Another thing that puts a bee up my arse: people who never get check-ups, and never go to the doctor, even when theyre half-dead. It aint machoits fucking pathetic. I had my prostate checked just the other week, for example, cos Im on a three-year plan for prostate and colon tests. I couldnt believe how many of my male friends said to me, Your prostate? Whats that? I was like, Look, women get breast cancer, and blokes get cancer of the prostate. One guy even asked me, Where is it? I told him, Up your arse, and he went, So how do they check that then? I said to him, How do you think they check it? It starts with a rubber glove and ends with your voice rising ten octaves.

My prostate guy here in California says that every man over the age of 50 will develop some kind of prostate problem as they get older, but only half will get tested. And yet nowadays you can cure prostate cancer, no problem at all, if you get to it early enough. Its the same with colon cancer. Dont get me wrong: Im the first to admit that the preparation for the colon cancer test aint exactly glamorous. They give you this horrendous liquid to drink, then you have to crap through the eye of a needle until your backside is so clean, if you open your mouth, you can see daylight at the other end. But its only cos I got tested for colon cancer that my wife did the sameand her test came back positive. Thanks to that, they caught the cancer in time, and shes alive today. Thats a huge deal. So when I first became Dr. Ozzy, my first message was: Dont be ignorant! To men, in particular, I wanted to say: I dont think a doctors never put his finger up a blokes ass before. They do it every day, so get over yourself. Besides, what would you rather have, a strange mans finger up your arse on a Monday morningor the sound of a pine box being nailed shut over your head?

Having said that, every case is differentwhich I realized very quickly when I became Dr. Ozzy. For example, after reassuring my readers that they had to nothing to fear from dropping their trousers in front of their GP, I got an e-mail from a guy called Geoff in London.

He wrote:



Dear Dr. Ozzy:


After hurting my rear-end end while squatting down to tile a floor, I asked my GP to take a look at it. He ummed-and-ahhed for a while, then sent me off to a local teaching hospital, where a very excited specialist said he need to perform an examination. After giving me one of those back-to-front robes to wear, he lay me down on a slab on my side, and proceeded to round up some 20 junior doctors, who then took turns to file past my exposed behind, scribbling notes and snapping photographs as they went. Their verdict after that what seemed like ten lifetimes? I had a rare perianal haematoma which would go away by itself.

All I can say is: sorry, Geoff. If its any consolation, I once mooned a crowd of about half a million people at a gig, so you certainly dont hold the world record for having the largest number of people gazing up your asshole at any particular time. That one belongs to me.


To be honest with you, I can still hardly believe the stuff people write to me about. One guy asked if he should cut down on his cocaine usecos hed just found out that he had high cholesterol. Another time, a girl in Americashe was 22asked if it was okay to sleep with her mums (younger) boyfriend, or if that would make things weird at family get-togethers. I mean, whats wrong with these people? And as youll see when you read on, that aint even the half of it. Sometimes even Dr. Ozzy is lost for words.

When it comes to routine stuff, though, I pretty much always know the right answers. Thats the thing about being a worrier, especially a worrier whos a hypochondriac: you end up investigating every last ache and twinge, so over time, all these random facts end up sticking in your head. If only I could remember lyrics so easily.

I wasnt always a such hypochondriac, mind you. When I was growing up in Aston, for example, our family GP was a guy called Dr. Rosenfield, and Id do anything to get out of an appointment with himmainly cos his receptionist was a woman with a full-on beard. I aint kidding you: a big, black, bushy beard. It freaked me out. She was like Captain Pugwash in a frock. And Dr. Rosenfields office was so gloomy, you felt worse coming out of that place than you did when you went in. As for Dr. Rosenfield himself, he wasnt really a bad guy, but he wasnt exactly a comforting figure, either. I remember falling out of a tree one time when I was stealing apples: I hit a branch on the way down, and my eye swelled up like a big black balloon. When I got home my old man smacked me around the ear before sending me off to get my injury looked atthen Dr. Rosenfield smacked me around the ear, too. I couldnt believe it.

I rarely got any kind of proper medical care in those days. If one of the six Osbourne kids had an earache, theyd get a spoonful of hot vegetable fat down their earhole. That was the done thing. And my gran would give us milk and mutton fat for bronchitis. As for my father, he had this tin in his shed, I dont know what it was, some kind of black greasy stuff, and if you got a boil on your neck hed go, Ill get rid of that for yer, son, heh-heh-heh, and hed slap it on there, and youd be like, NOT THE BLACK TIN! NOOO! But thats all my folks could afford. Shelling out on zit cream from the chemist wasnt gonna happen when they could barely afford to get food on the table.

My father was one of those people whod never see a doctor. Hed never take a take off work at the factory, either. Hed have to have been literally missing a limb to call in sickeven then, hed probably just hop into the factory, like nothing had happened. I dont think he got a single check-up, right up until the end of his lifeand by that time, he was riddled with cancer. His prostate gave up first, though. I dont know why hed avoided doctorsit was all free on the NHSbut it made me think the opposite way. My logic is, if I go to the doctor now, and theres something wrong with me, theyll catch it, and Ill get to live another day. Dont get me wrong: I aint afraid of dying. Although it would be good to know where its gonna happen, so I could avoid going there.

Sometimes I think people in Britain dont make enough use of the NHS, because theyre too busy complaining about it. But Americanswholl queue up outside a sports arena for three days just to go to a free cliniccant believe the deal we Brits get. Ill never forget the first time I got an X-ray done in the US after my quad-bike crash. The doc came into the room, holding up my slide, and whistling through his teeth. How much did all that cost you, huh? he asked, seeing all the rods and bolts holding my neck and back together. A couple of mill? Three, four? Are you still getting the bills?

Actually, it was free, I told him. I had the accident in England.

I almost had to call for a nurse, he got such a shock.

If youre a celebrity, mind you, medical care in America is just incredible. Too much so, if youre an addict like me, because theyll hand out pills like youre in a shopping mall. Whenever I do a gig in the US, for example, Ill always have a doctor check me out before the show, and in the bad old days, Id score just about anything I wanted off those guys. At one point I basically just bought my own doctor and installed him in my house, salary and everything. It was magic until Sharon got wind of it. In England, I used to have to make up a backache, or hit myself over the head with a lump of wood, if I wanted to get a Vicodin. In America, all I had to do was say the word. It stopped only when the doctors realised that they had to answer to the Voice of Godie, my wife.

If you give him ONE more dodgy pill, youll be the one who needs a doctor, shed say.

To be fair to the American doctors, they do come up with some mind-blowing technology. I just had my eyes fixed with Crystalens surgery, for example. Id suffered from cataracts for years, and my vision was so bad it was starting to give me problems on stage. So what they did was, they took out my natural lenswhich was all fogged upand replaced it with this bionic one, which can focus by itself. Left eye first, then the other a week later. Its amazing. Just unbelievable. No pain, for starters. And now I can read again. I see over there, over here, its just fucking incredible. Ive no idea how much it costprobably eight tours, or somethingbut its changed my life, totally.

Im a new man now, in so many ways. I might be 62, but I havent felt so young since the 1960s. Aside from my eyes, the other big change in my life is that Ive pretty much become a vegetarian. Seriously. Its my new phase: brown rice and vegetables. I dont even drink milk, apart from a splash in my tea. And no, it aint because of the animals. I mean, I used to work in a slaughterhouse, killing 200 cows a day. I ate a bat, for fucks sake. You wont see me marching over the frozen tundra, hunting down seal-clubbers. I just cant digest meat anymore. I finally gave it up a few weeks ago, after I went out for a steak with my friend Zakk Wylde. I might as well have sealed my arse with cement, cos I couldnt crap for a week. I love the taste of beef, but it aint worth it.

I aint into any of that organic bollocks, either. People think theyre buying another day on this earth when they pay for that stuff, so they get ripped off. If you want organic, grow your own, man. I used to when I was married to my first and we had a little cottage in Ranton, Staffordshire. A veggie patch also happens to be a great place to hide your stash of drugs. Having said that, Id always get stoned and forget where Id buried the stuff. One time, I spent a whole week down the garden, trying to find a lump of Afghan hash. The missus thought I was just really worried about my carrots.


I suppose when people hear stories like that, they might think Im too much of a bad example to give advice. I wouldnt argueand Id hate for anyone to think, Oh, if Ozzy survived all that outrageous behaviour, then so can I. But dyou know what? If people can learn from my stupid shit without having to repeat any of it; or if they can take some comfort from the crazy, fucked-up things my family has been through over the years; or if just hearing me talk about colonoscopies makes them less embarrassed about getting tested for colon cancer, thats more than enough for me: Dr. Ozzys job will be done.

One last thing: being a hypochondriac, I would never tell someone to just stop worrying and/or come back later if their symptoms got any worse. Thats bollocks, in my book. As Ive always warned my own doctors: One day youre gonna be standing at my graveside, and while the priest is reading out the eulogy, youre gonna look down and see the inscription on my headstone. And its gonna saySee? I TOLD you I was fucking ill!!



How to Cure (Almost) Anything

1





Youll Never Be Ill Again Probably

If theres one thing Ive learned as Dr. Ozzy, its that everyone wants to be cured immediatelyor better yet, three days ago. Luckily for the people who come to me with their problems, Im exactly the same way. I mean, why go to all the trouble of a low-carb diet, if you can get rid of your gut with a needle and a suction pump? Or why take it easy after an injury, when you can pop a few pain pills and carry on?

As far as I can tell, theres only one drawback to quick fixes: THEY DONT FUCKING WORK. Either that, or they sort out whatevers bothering you, but create another ten problems along the way. Take sleeping pills. For years I had trouble getting any shut-eye, so I started using a popular brand of sleeping medication. Before I knew it, Id forgotten everything since 1975. The trouble was, my body built up an immunity to the drugs so quickly, I ended up necking a whole jar of the stuff just to get five minutes of rest. Thats when my memory blackouts started, along with a bunch of other crazy side-effects, like wandering around the house stark naked at two in the morning.

What I should have done was find out why I wasnt sleepingmaybe something was making me anxiousand gone after the cause, not the symptom. But its human nature, isnt it? Were all tempted by the cheap n easy botch job, even though we know it aint gonna last. Thats why Ive dedicated this chapter to instant cures: urban myths, old wives tales, and unlikely stories Ive picked up on the road Some of them have worked for me in the past. Others are bullshit. Ill let you decide which is which.


* * *



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Whats the best cure for a hangover, in your (considerable) experience?

Justin, London

This is an easy one: have another pint. Youll be feeling much better in no time. It took me 40 years of trying everything and anything to make the morning-after feel bettershort of actually giving up boozeuntil I finally realised that the only thing that ever worked was just to get shitfaced again. Like a lot of things, it was obvious in hindsight.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Help! Ive got a cold. How can I get rid of it ASAP?

Tony, Boston

Funnily enough, getting loaded is also a great cure for the common cold. For example, I used to have this magic recipe for a Hot Ozzy (as I used to call it). You take two pints of whiskey, boil it up on the stove, add a bit of lemonits very important, the lemonthen drink it as quickly as you can. Trust me: by the time youve downed a Hot Ozzy, you wont just have forgotten youre ill, youll have forgotten your own name.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Ive been told that the easiest way to treat athletes foot is to pee on your toesbecause the chemical in anti-fungal cream (urea) can also be found in urine. Does this work?

Pierre, Ipswich

I dont know. Back in the eighties, though, I used to deal with athletes foot by pouring cocaine on my toes. They cut the stuff with so much foot powder in those days, it was the best treatment you could find if you had an outbreak on the road, away from your local chemists. The only problem was the price: it worked out at about three grand a toe. If Id known about the peeing thing, I might have saved myself some cash.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Whats the best way to get over jet-lagquickly?

James, Toronto

They say that if you line the insides of your shoes with brown paper, it cures jet-lag. Unfortunately, like a lot of things people say, its bollocks. In reality, theres only thing thatll stop your body clock getting messed up, and its called staying at fucking home.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Whats the best cure for seasonal affective disorder? I get incredibly depressed every year before the clocks go forward, but I cant afford to move to the Florida Keys.

Felicity, Doncaster

All you need is a bit of heat and light. If you cant afford a plane ticket, Im not sure what to suggest, apart from setting your house on firewhich obviously aint a very clever idea.



Dear Dr. Ozzy,

A doctor in Italy says he can cure cancer patients by giving them baking soda. Whats your opinion?

Chris (no address given)

A friend of mine got cancer a few years ago and didnt want to go through any of the conventional treatments, so he spent months doing all the dead cat voodoo stuffand now the poor blokes dead. Obviously, I aint gonna criticise anyone in that position, cos if youve been told youve only got weeks to live, youre gonna do whatever you think you need to do. But baking power? Youre fixing a tumour, not a cupcake. Also, if it really worked, wouldnt baking powder be in short supply by now? Personally, my rule of thumb is that if some whacky new treatment sounds too good to be true, it is.



Dear Dr. Ozzy,

According to my great-aunt, nine white raisins, soaked in one tablespoon of gin for two weeks, will get rid of arthritis. Is this right?

Phil, Luton

The Osbourne family has the same recipe, passed down through the generations. In our version, though, theres only one white raisin, and its soaked in nine bottles of gin, for two minutes.

Its great for pretty much anything.




DR. OZZYS AMAZING MEDICAL MISCELLANY


Crazy Cures Through the Ages

&#9830;In Egypt, they reckon that being buried in the sand during the hottest part of the day can cure rheumatism, joint paint, and impotence. If you stay out there long enough without water, it can also cure being alive.

&#9830;To treat a stuttering child, Chinese doctors used to recommend smacking the kid in the faceon a cloudy day. If anyone ever tried that on me, theyd get a knee in the balls, n-n-n-n-no matter what the fucking weather was.

&#9830;The only anaesthetic in Medieval England was a potion made up of lettuce juice, gall from a castrated boar, briony, opium, hemlock juice, vinegar, and what passed for wine in those days. Im pretty sure I had exactly the same cocktail in Miami while on the road with M&#246;tley Cr&#252;e in 1984.




Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Have you ever suffered from heartburn, or acid indigestion? If so, what do you do about it?

Joan, Shropshire

Oh, I used to get this all the timeId wake up at three in the morning with a horrendous burning sensation in my chest. Then one night my bed caught fire, and I realised Id been going to sleep every night with a lit cigarette in my hand. When I stopped doing that, the problem went away.



Dear Dr. Ozzy,

Please help meI cant stop scratching my testicles at night! Its getting so bad, my wife is threatening to sleep in another room. And now Ive noticed a red rash, which seems to be spreading to my wider nether regions. Is this jock itch?

Ted, Northumberland

Sounds like it to me. The first thing to do is change your underwear. Personally, I find that nylon Y-fronts give me a raging case of ball itch: its like theyre on fire, man. Now, I wouldnt mention this to your missus (if you ever want her to go near you again), but its all to do with trapped sweat. So the next thing to do is get yourself some antifungal creamthe same stuff youd use for athletes footand it should calm down in a few days.



Dear Dr. Ozzy,

Thanks to your medical wisdom I already know your cure for a colda Hot Ozzybut whats the best way to prevent one?

Lucy, Bristol

Your local drug store will sell you any old bollocks to prevent a coldthey must make a fortune out of virus seasonbut the fact is, youve just gotta ride it out. Theres no harm in having a Hot Ozzy or two as a precaution, though. If it does nothing else, itll make your day at work go by a lot faster.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Whats the most effective treatment for the hiccups?

Lauren, Carlisle
Tony, New York

Extreme pain, combined with the element of surprise.




DR. OZZYS INSANE-BUT-TRUE STORIES


The 430 Million Hiccup Man

&#9830;The longest-ever attack of hiccups went on for 68 years68 fucking years, man!and was suffered by an American guy named Charles Osborne (no relation). It started in 1922, when he was weighing a hog for slaughter in Iowa, and didnt stop until 1990. The worst thing is, he dropped dead from an ulcer only a year after he got better. The good news? His hiccups didnt stop him getting on with his life: he managed to get hitched and have five kids (which proves that anyone can get laid, if they put their mind to it). He was even mentioned in Guinness World Records and Trivial Pursuit. Apparently, this guy hiccupped 40 times a minute in the early days, slowing down to only 20 times a minute as he got older. That works out at about 430 million hiccups over his entire life. Its a good job I never sat next to this guy on a plane, or Id have pushed him out of the emergency exit after five fucking minutes.




Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Whats the best cure for snoring? I need something to shut up my husband, who sounds like a whale with a foghorn stuck in its throat, before I kick him downstairs to the sofa.

Jane, Acton

I used to share a room with a guy who had the worst snore in the world, I swear. One night, I got so fed up with him, I filled up a wastepaper basket with water, put it next to his bed, and told him, One snore, and its going over yer head. And yknow what? It cured him. Or at least he didnt dare go to sleep until he was pretty fucking sure Id already nodded off. Having said that, Im a terrible snorer myself. So is Sharon. Our 17 dogs snore, too. When all of us are in action at the same time, our bedroom must sound like the London Nostril Choir. Its never bothered me, though. Im usually asleep.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Is it really true that chicken soup can help with congestion?

Rita, Germany

Yesespecially if you add gasoline. Seriously though, Ive definitely heard that theres a special chemical in chicken soup that breaks up all the gunk in your nose, making you breathe a bit easier but in my experience it only lasts for as long as youre eating the stuff. Its more likely the heat of the food that gets the old snot running.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Whats the best cure for depression?

Peter, County Armagh

Its tempting to give you a funny response to this, but unfortunately depression aint funny: Ive suffered from it myself. What I didand what I recommend you dois talk to your GP. Personally, Im on a low dose of an anti-depressant called Zoloft (also known as sertraline), and it does the job. Of course, you hear a lot of people say that anti-depressants just put a sticking plaster on the problem, instead of solving the real cause. And they might have a point but its very easy to say that if you aint fucking depressed. The only big problem for me with anti-depressants is that they ended my sex life. Trying to get down to some action these days is like trying to raise the Titanic. It would be depressing if I werent on anti-depressants. As it is, I dont give a flying one.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Is it true that onion syruponions cooked with brown sugar or honeycan help with a cough?

Jamie, Madrid

No idea. I do know that if you eat enough onions, itll cure people from wanting to speak to you again.



Dr. Ozzys Trivia Quiz: Magic Medicine: #qa01


Find the answersand your scorehere: #q1

1. Which musical instrument allegedly cures sleep apnoea (when you dont breathe properly at night)?

a) A kazoo

b) A didgeridoo

c) An Auto-Tune machine


2. What the fuck is Peruvian Viagra?

a) A squished frog

b) A well-trained hamster

c) A rare type of bean


3. The ancient Egyptians treated blindness with

a) Tickling

b) Sunlight

c) Bats blood


4. Which cure for AIDS has actually helped spread the disease?

a) Bonking a virgin

b) Putting the condom on your big toe

c) Smothering your private parts in clarified butter


5. In the 1960s, psychiatrists treated alcoholics with

a) Alcohol

b) LSD

c) Hospital-grade laxatives



CHAPTER NOTES: HOW TO CURE ANYTHING



Have a Fucking Egg

2





The Truth About Diet & Exercise

One of the saddest questions Ive ever been asked as Dr. Ozzy came from a middle-aged woman in WorcesterSally, her name waswho wanted to know if was safe to Go to work on an egg (as an old British ad slogan used to say). Someone had told her that yolk was bad news, so she was considering a switch to low-fat bean curds or some bullshit. I could hardly believe it, man. This woman was old enough to remember when it was considered perfectly acceptable to fry bread in lard, or let kids breathe fumes from leaded petrol. And yet shed convinced herself that one boiled egg was gonna send her to an early grave. I mean, really? Is that how crazy things are now?

The trouble is, its so easy to get things out of proportion. Im guilty of the same thing myself. For example, I recently went through a phase of having egg-white omelettes for lunch as part of a low-calorie diet. Then one day this light blub went off in my head, and I thought to myself, Yknow what? This tastes like fucking shit. So I went back to eating normal omelettes, and, low and behold, I didnt grow five extra bellies overnight. As long as youre not having a dozen eggs every morning, another dozen for lunch, and another dozen for dinner, whats the problem? It the same with anything: all you need is a bit of common sense, and chances are, youll be fine.[1 - Before anyone gives me a bollocking, talk to a doc about your diet if you have high cholesterol.]

Having said that, common sense has never exactly been one of my fortes. Because of my addictive personality, I tend to do anything and everything to excess. Like when I gave up McDonalds and switched to burritos, for example. Within 24 hours, I was addicted to the fucking burritos. Or when I gave up being a lazy-arsed bastard and started to exercise, but ended up taking a gram of speed so I could run around the block faster. Its a never-ending struggle, trying to live the perfect balanced lifestyle if youre as unbalanced as I am. As a matter of fact, I think its hard for everyone, insane or otherwise. But as I always say to people, you should never stop trying. Just take every new day as it comesand go easy on the triple-decker bacon chili cheeseburgers.


* * *



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My daughter announced today that shes going on the Five Bite Dietie, she drinks what she wants (if it has no calories) but has only five bites of lunch and five bites of dinner. As a precaution, shes also taking a multi-vitamin tablet every day.

Should I try and stop her?

Julie, Sunderland

Ive never heard of this before, but it doesnt surprise me that it exists. In fact, I tried a similar kind of extreme diet myself onceI called it the walking corpse diet, cos even though you got thinner, it made you feel like the living dead. And of course it goes without saying that five seconds after I stopped, I put all the weight back on again. I mean, I honestly dont know what to tell you when it comes to dieting, cos I came to the conclusion a long time ago that nothing works apart from eating healthier and eating less, full stop. Catchy-sounding quick fixes are usually good for only one thing: making a shitload of dough for the person who came up with the idea. Bearing in mind that your daughter will probably do the opposite of whatever you tell her, its at least worth getting the advice of your GP before she starts sniffing her dinner instead of eating it. Thats the best way to make sure she aint doing anything dangerous.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My doctor has told me that I have high cholesterol. Does that mean I should stop taking cocaine?

Andrew, Los Angeles

Hang on a fucking minute: dont you think youre putting the cart before the horse a bit here? I suppose youre thinking that because the cholesterol gives you a higher risk of a heart attack, the coke might send you over the edge. But you shouldnt be doing cocaine, full stopnever mind if youve got high cholesterol, low blood sugar, a gammy leg, or a runny nose. Its a like a forty-a-day smoker asking if he should move out of the city to get some fresh air. Wheres the logic, man? Heres the thing with coke: you can drop dead from it instantly, cos youre buying it on the street, so you never know the fucks gonna be in it. It also messes with your head, makes you say stupid things, and can land you in prison. Heres my advice: if you keep taking the coke, forget all about your cholesterolchances are, youll kill yourself before anything else can.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I cant stop drinking Coca-Cola. Do you think Ive become addicted to the caffeine?

David, Staffordshire

I know plenty of people who are addicted to colanot just the brand name stuff, but the big, cheap gallon bottles you get in a supermarket. Its not so much the caffeine you get hooked on, though: its the sugar. Try switching to a diet brand. Or better yet, have a cup of tea instead.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My boyfriend goes swimming six times a week and does yoga twice a week, but hes still getting fat. Why?

Eve, Ireland

Theres only one explanation: hes eating sandwiches between laps. Either that, or hes lying to you about the exercise. I recommend hiring a private detective to follow him around for a week. Report back.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Is it really true that youre a vegetarian now? Have you bitten the head off a lettuce yet?

Paul, Derby

Very funny. And yeah Im borderline vegetarian now, cos I find it hard to digest red meat. When Im at home in LA, the woman who works for meshes Ethiopiancooks up veggies on the barbeque with brown rice. Its spicy, not boring at all, and theres nothing like a good old curry to unplug a clogged 62-year-old arsehole. Mind you, its hard to keep it up when Im out on the road, cos you cant always get hold of healthy food when youre so far away from homealthough eventually you just lose your tolerance for meat, so maybe Ill have no choice. In fact, I remember one time in 1968 when one of my old bandmates from Black Sabbath, Terence Geezer Butlerthe first vegetarian Id ever metate a hot dog in Belgium cos he was broke and starving, and it was the only thing he could scrounge that day. The poor bloke was in hospital a few hours later. In fact, I dont think he took another shit until 1983.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Is there any truth to the claim that food colouringwhich used to be made out of coal-tarmakes kids hyperactive? Or is this just another one of those trendy myths?

Erica, Los Angeles

When I was growing up, no-one cared about what was in the foodcalories, preservatives, colouring, or otherwise: we just ate what was on the table, cos the alternative was a smack round the ear and going to bed hungry. And have to say, looking back, we were all fucking nuts. I mean, its hard to imagine a more hyperactive kid than I was: I spent half the day bouncing off the walls, and the other half bouncing on my bed. Was it the additives? Who knows, man. In a perfect world, wed all grow our own food. But you cant exactly grow a fish stick or a can of beans. So my advice is just be careful and make sure that your kids are eating plenty of fruit and veggies.




DR. OZZYS INCREDIBLY HELPFUL TIPS


DietThings to Avoid

&#9830;If youre trying to stay slim, it aint a good idea to take part in Nathans Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest, held every year in New York. The last record-breaking winner scoffed 66 hot dogsthats 19,600 caloriesin 12 minutes. A few hours later, he broke another record for the amount of time he spent on the shitter.

&#9830;Ive suffered the consequences of a few dodgy curries in my time, but nothing comes close to eating a badly cooked Fugu (river pig) in Japan. The fish contains tetrodotoxin, which paralyses your muscles and stops your breathing over a period of 24 hours. There aint no antidote, either. So if you get poisoned, itll be the worstand lastday of your life. Itll ruin your holiday, too.

&#9830;Fast-food has always been a guilty pleasure for me, but if theres one thing you should probably steer clear of, its the 100&#215;100 burger at the In-N-Out chain (you have to special order it). It comes with 100 beef patties, 100 slices of cheese, and costs about $100. That doesnt include the price of the ambulance youll need to call after eating it.

&#9830;If you go to Sardinia on holiday, dont ever order Casu Marzu. Its basically a sheeps milk cheese, the difference being that its infested with live insect larvae, which look like wriggly little white worms. I aint fucking kidding you. The worst part is, the worms jump up and down, so youve gotta put your hand over your plate when youre eating, otherwise you end up getting em in your eyes and up your nose.




Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I like to drink beer, but Im getting fat. I hate to think I might have to give up booze just to stay in shape. Is there an alternative to beer that has fewer calories?

Miles, Kailua, Hawaii

Not in Hawaii, there aint. Its all Mai Tais, Zombies, and Hoola-tinis. Theres enough fruit juice and syrup and fuck knows what else in those things to give you three extra chins in the time it takes you to drink one of em. The thing is, you cant have it both ways: you cant keep drinking and complain about getting fat. Alcohol makes you bloated, period. Its one of the most calorific substances on the planet. Having said that, if you switch to Mai Tais, you definitely wont be able to drink as many of them as you could beers. I mean, when I was on the booze, beers didnt even count, you could knock em back so easily. Some people might say, Try pot, but then youll get the munchies, which is twice as bad. Personally my advice would be to cut down. Or stop drinking altogether.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I love having a full-strength Marlboro before breakfast, but Ive noticed that the first couple of drags make me want to run to the bathroom and evacuate. Is this normal?

David, Cardiff

If youre a smoker, why the fuck are you wasting time worrying about your bowels? What about your LUNGS? Having said that: yes, nicotine is a stimulant, so that world-falling-out-of-your-bottom feeling is normal. Why not stop smoking and have a glass of orange juice instead? Yknow, over the years Ive taken every drug known to man, and I swear, nicotine is the worst. Take it from the Prince of Darkness: cigarettes are evil, man.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I noticed that you worked with a personal trainer during The Osbournes. Did you find it helpful?

James, Scarborough, Maine

Using a trainer helped me keep a routine, which is very helpful, cos Im an all-or-nothing kind of guy: Ill kill myself on the treadmill one month, then spend the next one with my head in the fridge. But at the end of the day, I dont want to have to make a date in my diary to do exercise. After a while I also got pissed off with a guy standing there in my own house, telling me, Do another five reps. I almost punched the bastard a couple of times.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Ive recently decided to slow down on my hedonistic lifestyle and try being healthy, so now its all low-fat food and exercise, but when I wake up in the morning, I feel worse than I did before. How long will this last, or should I just return to my old ways?

Alex, Milton Keynes

Rome wasnt built in a day. Some people go over the top when they try to get healthy: one minute theyre living a life of beer, cheeseburgers, and daytime telly, and the next theyve cut out meat, alcohol, coffee, and sugar, and theyre trying to run a marathon. Of course youre gonna feel like shit if you do that. Take it easy. One thing at a time. And if youre doing exercise, for Gods sake make sure you stretchbefore and afterwards.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Whats the healthiest (and most effective) way to administer a jolt of caffeine first thing in the morning: a shot of espresso, or a full-sized mug of filter coffee?

Anonymous, Pittsburgh

I dont know about the healthiest, but I can tell you the best wayby a mile. First of all, brew yourself a normal pot of filter coffee. Then tip the coffee back into the filter and brew it again over the old grounds. At the same time, make yourself an espresso. Next step: pour yourself a cup of the double-strength filter coffee then add the shot of espresso. I call it a red eye: one sip, as youll be as awake as youve even been in your life, trust me. That aint the strongest coffee Ive ever had, mind you. My old mate Frank Zappa used to make a brew that tasted like leaded gasoline. And Turkish coffee is even worse. I downed a soup bowl full of that stuff when I was in Crete once, and I spent the next three weeks jogging around the island, trying to get it to wear off.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Why do people say its bad to eat chocolate before public speaking (or singing, for that matter)?

Jim, Kelso

Well, for a start, chocolate thickens your saliva, which aint good news if youve gotta recite Shakespeare or get through Iron Man. For me, chocolate also causes heartburn, which sends acid shooting up my esophagus, which literally burns my throat outand thats my worst fear when Im out on the road, cos it affects thousands of people when a show gets cancelled. Having said that, youre not supposed to drink tea, either, but I still do before gigs. It might not be very rock n roll, but its like a magic potion to me.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I know you work out a lot and have changed your lifestyle dramatically, but is it more difficult to maintain your exercise schedule and health regimen when you are touring? What do you recommend for people like me who pretty much live on the road?

John, Santa Barbara, California

To be honest with you, I dont need to go to the gym when Im on the road: during a two-hour show, Ill burn about 2,000 calories and use muscles I dont even know I have until the next day, when I feel like Ive been thrown off the Empire State Building. But heres the advice Id give to anyone who works away from home in a sedentary job: go for a walk. Its one the best forms of exercise there is, and it costs nothing. The only reason I dont go for walks myself is because my arse has got a mind of its own, and if Im out of range of a toilet, I freak out. That shouldnt stop anybody else, though.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Im pretty much living on five-hour energy drinks. Is this stuff gonna hurt me in the long run?

Eric, Colorado

Well, its not exactly food, is it? Youre basically just shooting up caffeine. And if theres one golden rule Ive learned over the years, it is this: what goes up, must come down. I remember necking a few energy drinks before going on stage once: I felt like the king of the universe for about one-and-a-half songs, but by the third number, I was ready to fucking hang myself. So if I were you, Id try and get your energy from something thats not gonna make you drop like the Hindenburg when the rush wears off.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Im in my mid-fifties and a stonking 350lbs. Im addicted to food, often eating enough for three or four people. Im out of breath, have no interest in sex, and can hardly even stand up. Im using food like you used drugsIm killing myself. Any advice? Money is no object.

John, London

Number one, find a good dietician. Number two, start exercising (as long as your doc gives you the okay). But whatever you do, dont go mental. For example: start at the lowest setting on the treadmill, then work your way up slowly, not the other way around. The mistake I made was thinking, Well if I turn this thing up to warp factor ten, Ill burn more caloriesbut I wasnt fit enough, my legs couldnt keep up, and I almost catapulted myself backwards through a plate glass window. Another thing you have to do is find an activity you enjoy, cos if you dont love it, you aint gonna do it. And I dont mean take up darts, or table football. Youve gotta break a sweat. Im 175lbs at the moment, but I could easily be 350lbs if I didnt burn off all the crap I eat with a bit of exercise. Fortunately, Ive now become addicted to the blast of endorphins you get on a cross-trainer in the same way I used to be addicted to Special Brew. Ive also got a massive telly in my gym at home, so while Im getting rid of my extra chins I can watch World War II documentaries on the History Channel. Thats my idea of paradise, that isa bit of cardio and some animated battle maps.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I recently went to Cuba, picked up a nasty bug, and was hospitalised with dehydration. The doctors shoved a steel lozenge thing down my throat to take a biopsy from my stomach, but it didnt find the cause of the problem. Three months later, Im still passing liquid. Please help

Simon, Doncaster

Three months? If I was passing liquid for three hours Id be straight down the gastroenterologists, begging him to make it stop. Chances are, it was some dodgy lettuce that did it. Let me tell you something: lettuce is fucking deadly if you eat it in the wrong country. I mean, yeah, you think its all nice and posh and healthy and whatever, but if you order a salad in parts of Mexico or South America, you might as well order a plate of raw human shit, cos thats whats in the water that its been washed in. Ive suffered the same fate on more than a few occasions: you cross the border to Mexico, and within a few hours, youre laid up in hospital, on a drip. But three months is no joke: it could even be more serious than you think. Best to get it checked out again.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I want to reduce the calories I eat, but how on earth do you go about counting them? I know that everything you buy in the supermarket has those little stickers on them now, but does anyone seriously measure out every single portionand what about food you eat in restaurants, or that other people cook for you? How can you keep track of if all without basically dedicating your entire life to it?

Brian, Castle Bromwich

Its a total waste of time, counting calories. For example, I looked at a packet of cereal the other, and it said on the side, one bowl, 230 calories. But how bigs the bowl? For all I know, it could be the size of an ashtray or a swimming pool. A better strategy is just to cut your portions down. Buy smaller plates, for a start. Seriously. Here in America, they give you enough food in one sandwich to feed the North Korean Army for a month. Its only when you put it on a normal-sized plate that you realise what a pig youre being. Exercise also makes a really big difference, even if its just a 20-minute walk every day. Do both of those things, and youll never have to count calories again.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Whats the best way to treat a burned mouth? I love food, so theres nothing worse than getting over-enthusiastic about a piping hot meal, only to destroy my taste buds for a week.

Sam, Warwick

Ive done that with a hot french fry before, and its horrible. Its even worse when you get it stuck halfway down your wind pipe, then everything else you eat for the next month tastes like sulphuric fucking acid. Youve gotta slow down, man. In England, we eat food like it could jump up and do the 100-yard sprint at any second. Alternatively, you could eat all your meals at a restaurant with lazy waiters, so the foods always lukewarm.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Why are people so worried about the mercury in tuna fish? I read the other day that Abraham Lincoln used to take mercury-laced pills to treat his constipation, and he was in good enough health to lead America (until he was shot, of course).

Percy, Cardiff

The only time Id get worried about the mercury in tuna fish is if I ate a whole one. Otherwise, I cant see how a bit of sushi every now and then is a problem. Having said that, a friend of my daughters recently got mercury poisoning, and it was heavy duty, man: she had memory loss, slurred speech, crazy mood swings, loss of co-ordination basically, she ended up feeling how I did during most of the 1980s. As for good old Abe Lincoln, its never a very good idea to say, Oh, so-and-so survived putting leeches on his eyeballs, so therefore it must be okay. I mean, they used to add pure heroin to cough mixture. If they still did that today, Id be off sick with a cold 365 days a year.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

People keep telling me how great yoga isespecially when it comes to stressbut I cant stand the thought of all that chanting and hippy-dippy bullshit. Have you ever tried it?

Sam, Beaconsfield

Youve got totally the wrong idea. Doing yoga aint like being a Buddhist monk. Or at least it doesnt have to be. Its basically stretching exercisesand youd be amazed at the results you can get. I used to have this makeup artist, and she went on leave to have a baby, then I saw her a year later after doing a lot of yoga, and she looked amazing, all slim and tight and healthy. Youd never have believed shed pushed one out just a few months before. Ive actually just decided to do a course of Pilates for that very same reason. Im not out of shape, but I want to avoid getting a big old gut on me. My only fear with these stretching-based things is that I wont have the patience. Generally speaking, if I havent worked up a sweat in the first three seconds, Im off. So well see. In the meantime, why dont you take a leaf out of my book, and at least try it.




DR. OZZYS INSANE-BUT-TRUE-STORIES


When Exercise Is Bad for You

&#9830;Next time youre in the gym, watch out for blokes with exploding ballsexercise balls, that is. One guy in Florida sued after the one he was leaning on (while holding two dumbbells) went pop, sending him crashing to the floor. He needed five surgeries, allegedly.

&#9830;No-one knew you could get high from endorphins until a guy called Jim Fixx came along in the 1970s. He was basically a fat bloke who smoked two packs a day until he started joggingthen he lost his flab, quit tobacco, and turned himself into the worlds first ever fitness guru. Trouble was, he dropped dead at 52. While on a run.

&#9830;Scientists reckon the chance of ending up like Fixxie, croaking it while exercisingis roughly one in 15,000 to 18,000 every year.[2 - According to The New England Journal of Medicine.] People who work out the most have a higher risk than those who do it least. Being fat aint much of an alternative, though: obesity is a far more common preventable cause of death.

&#9830;During the 1956 FA Cup Final, the goalie for Man City, Bert Trautmann, managed to break his neck after diving for the ball one too many times. There were still 17 minutes to go, though, so the crazy fucker kept on playingeven making a few more heroic saves that let Man City take home the cup. In fact, the guy didnt even bother getting an X-ray until three days later, when he finally realised his head was about to fall off. He made a full recovery, and the last I heard, hes still alive and well.





Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I keep hearing that humans need to drink eight glasses of water a day. This is surely bullshit, yes?

Billy, Leicester

I tried drinking eight classes of water a day for a while, and my bladder felt like a red-hot fucking cannon ball. I need to pee a lot as it isbut if Im knocking back eight glasses of water, I might as well just live in the can, the amount of time Ill end up spending in there. My advice is this: if you eat a lot of fruit and vegetables, youll get some water from your food. On the top of that, drink as much as you need to stop being thirstywhich means if you lose water from exercise, youll be thirstier, and need to drink a bit more. Thats what animals do to survive when theyre in the wild. We aint any different.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Ive become addicted to counting calories: I have a sensor in my shoes that sends a calorie burn readout to my iPhone; I input everything I eat into a calorie counting website; and I try to estimate how many calories I burn up doing everything else (including typing this). Im losing weight, but going insane. Advice?

William, Berkshire

I remember seeing an interview with Bob Dylan after he wrote his memoirs, and he said, While youre writing, you aint living. The same goes for counting calorieswhich Ive tried to do on many occasions. The bottom line is, every hour you spend jotting down every last cornflake or baked bean you ate during the day is an hour you could have spent with your family or friends. Either that, or you could be using the time to learn something, like a new language. I mean, okay, yeah, youd still be fat. But at least youd be fat and able to order your double-cheeseburgers in Slovakian.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I havent been able to go for ten days, and Im starting to get really worried. Nothing seems able to unclog me.

Barry, Aberdeen

Id recommend a strong cup of coffee, but it sounds more like you need a stick of dynamite. Prunes can also be effective, if you can stand the taste. Personally, if Im suffering from a spot of constipation, Ill ask the missus for some of her special pills. All women seem to have a stash of these things somewhere: they come in a pink box with flowers on the outside. Just be careful: I once took a handful of em, thinking theyd never worknothing else didbut boy, was I wrong. Two minutes later, I was unloading about ten Christmas dinners out of my rear end. It went on for days, to the point I couldnt even work out where all the stuff was coming from. It was like the laws of physics didnt apply. So I suggest trying to get hold of the same stuff. Just go easy with it.



Dear Dr. Ozzy,

I love lattes, but just one medium cup gives me a headache and makes my heart race. Is this normal?

Anne, Tyneside

I learned the answer to this question when I got my DNA downloaded onto a computer chip in 2010: we all metabolise caffeine at different speeds, based on the way our genes work. Personally, I feel like my heads about to blast off to Mars after one sip of espresso, and now I know why: my body cant process it. It sounds as though youre built the same way. Unfortunately, theres only one thing you can do: switch to another drink. Trying to beat your own genes is a game youre only ever gonna lose.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

How much vitamin C is healthy? Im taking 4,000mgs a day in the hope of avoiding a cold.

Meredith, Surrey

I might be wrong, but Im pretty sure your body can only store so much vitamin C: the rest just passes right through you. So even if you take 5 million units or whatever, it wont do much good. The sad fact is, if youre gonna get the flu youre gonna get the flu.



Dear Dr. Ozzy,

Every time I drink milk I get the most horrific eggy flatulence youve ever had the misfortune to smell. I can clear out entire restaurants with it. Does this mean Im lactose intolerant, or is that just some bullshit that Hollywood-types have invented?

Glen, London

It aint bullshit. Ive got a friend who literally turns green when she drinks milk. Try switching to soy milk for a week, then wait til a good old rumbler comes down the pipe, and let it loose in a confined area. If everyones still conscious after five minutes, problem solved.



Dear Dr. Ozzy,

During important meetings, my stomach growls loud enough for everyone in the room to hear. It happens even after Ive eaten a good breakfast. Please helpits terribly awkward.

Terry, Belfast

Nerves. I guarantee it. It might even be a symptom of IBS (irritable bowel syndrome). At least youre not breaking wind, though: thats really embarrassing. Trust me. Especially when it sends a stale breeze through the room. Thats the thing with the human brain: when its stressed out, itll find all kinds of ways to mess with you, from making you feel like you need to pee all the time, to bringing you out in a rash. Which is horrible, really, cos those are the kind of things that just make the original problem worse. The good news is that there are all kinds of potions you can take to help calm you down, including a special kind of beta blocker, which they use for stage fright.

Ask your GP about it.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Ive joined a cycling club to get fit, and a lot of my fellow membersall menhave told me that I should shave my legs to become more aerodynamic. Isnt this a bit weird? I mean, how much more aerodynamic can you possibly get by removing a few leg hairs?

Jim, Exeter

Unless they start asking you to wear ladies knickers, I wouldnt worry about it. Also, from what I understand, the shaving aint just about aerodynamicsit also makes it a lot easier to treat an injury on your leg if you fall off, which happens a lot if you compete in heavy-duty road races.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Whenever I eat, or have a number two, my nose runs continually. Im not jokingits driving me bananas. What can I do about this (other than buying shares in Kleenex)?

Jacky (No address given)



PS: Im not allergic to anything that I know of.


All kinds of crazy things can make your nose run because of the way your ears, nose and throat are all linked together. Personally, I get bunged up all the time cos of everything from dust mites to dodgy smells, so you might want to investigate allergies a bit more. Washing out your sinuses regularly with saline spray might help, although if you do it wrong, it feels like youre being fucking waterboarded. You could also be reacting to the temperature of the food youre eating, or how spicy it is. I mean, if ate a lamb vindaloo every day, my nose would run, too. Again, nasal sprays might help. So might antihistamines, if your doc approves. As for the number twosthats pretty far-out, man. Maybe the sensation of pushing is triggering the same thing as the food? Ask your GP if he can send you to an ear, nose, and throat guy for a consultation.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Every so often, I get these nasty little bumps on my tongue which ruin my sense of taste. Please help.

Saeed, Leeds

By the sound of your question, this has happened to you a number times, and the bump has come and gone without making your tongue fall out or your head explode. So why are you worrying? Having said that, if it were me and something weird puffed up somewhere, Id be straight down the doc to get it checked out. Given that youve gone to the trouble of writing in, its obviously bothering you, so you should do the same.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Is it true that eating a big meal late at night makes you fatter than if you ate the same meal for lunch?

Dolly, Hereford

It depends. I mean, if youre a competitive eater who can shove 98 cream pies down her throat in four minutes, then I somehow dont think youd put on less weight if you ate em for breakfast instead of dinner. On the other hand, if you have a normal diet, it seems logical that its better to eat as early as you cannot only so your body has a chance to metabolise, but also to prevent acid reflux syndrome. The trouble is, if I dont have a good meal at night, I cant sleep, especially after a two-hour gig. So Ill end up having a salad, then five minutes later, ordering a pizza. Thats why Ive gotta watch myself on the road, cos I wanna be the Prince of Darkness, not the Prince of Fatness.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My husband wants to take me to a sushi restaurant for the first time. Aside from radiation fears (the fish isnt from Japan), is there anything I should avoid for health reasons, or is all the stuff Ive heard about the danger of raw fish overblown?

Zara, Durham

The thing to remember about sushiWestern-style sushi, anywayis that it aint like the smelly old haddock you used to get from the fishmonger when you were little. From what I understand, sushi-grade fish is bled, gutted and packed in ice very, very quicklyand is usually frozen long enough to kill any of the parasites that might cause you any problems. Having said that, Id avoid Fugu (river pig) if its on the menu (see here).



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I need to lose weight fast for a weddingare diet pills a good idea?

Ben, Stevenage

Up to youas long as you bear in mind that some of those pills come with pretty weird-sounding side-effects, like gas with oily spotting. You dont want to break wind during the best mans speech and feel like the Deepwater Horizon just sprang a leak in your underwear.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Ive just read about an 82-year-old man in Indiahis name is Prahlad Janiwho claims not to have eaten a single thing since 1942, because he draws nourishment from meditation. (He hasnt drank anything, either, allegedly.) Could this be possible, given that the longest-ever hunger strike went on for just 74 days?

Derek, Peebles

I dont know, but Im gonna get my assistant on the phone ASAP and send this guy a curryhe must be starving. Actually, the whole thing seems pretty fishy to me. I mean, theres no way I could meditate or go without a hot dinner for that long. Im ready to throw a brick at someone after sitting cross-legged for 69 seconds, never mind 69 years.



Dr. Ozzys Trivia Quiz: Health Nut: #qa02


Find the answersand your scorehere: #q1

1. If you ate one tablespoon each of these foods, which would slam you with the most calories?

a) Goose fat

b) Ghee (clarified butter, used in curries)

c) Unsalted butter


2. Farting less often is easy if you

a) Swallow less air

b) Drink more water

c) Cut down on beans, sugar-free chewing gum and pears


3. Speaking of unwanted trouser explosions how many times does the average person let rip every day?

a) 14 times (14 pints of gas)

b) Twice (half a pint of gas)

c) 27 times (812 pints of gas)


4. What causes heavy leg syndrome?

a) Involvement with the Mafia

b) Exercising too much

c) Not enough blood circulation


5. How old was the fitness guru/muscleman Jack LaLanne when he died?

a) 41

b) 96

c) 73



CHAPTER NOTES: FITNESS METHODS



Pruning

3





Cleanliness Is Next to Ozzyness

When I was growing up in Aston, my idea of a personal grooming was a hot bath every other year. Its not like there was a lot of pressure to be smooth-skinned and beautiful in those days. As a bloke, you were hairy and smelly, full stop, end of story. And as a bloke who was also a rock n roll singer, you were basically a one-man walking fucking sewer. I went on tour in Scandinavia oncein the depths of winterwith only one change of underpants. And no toothpaste. By the time I got back on the ferry to Harwich, Essex, my breath was so bad, every time I opened my mouth to say something, flowers wilted and birds fell out of the sky.

Im a new man now.

The first time I really experienced modern beauty treatments was when I met Sharon. I woke up one day and she had me in a headlock with a pair of tweezers in her hand. I remember screaming, What the fuck you DOING?! She just tightened her grip and went, Im giving you a long-overdue pruning, Ozzy, thats what Im fucking doing.

Thats what Sharon calls it: pruning. And she does it to me at every available opportunity. If she sees so much as a single nose hairshe calls em Hitlers cos they look like the F&#252;hrers moustacheshell go after it like a lioness going after her prey. After a while I gave up trying to escape, cos putting up a fight wasnt worth the pain. By holding out, I was making only one person miserable: me. Besides, I didnt exactly want to go around looking like three different families of crows had set up a nest in my conk.

Its reached the point these days where I actually enjoy a pruningespecially if it involves a long massage before a gig. I might be the Prince of Darkness, but Ive had more pedicures now than Ive had hot dinners. I dont take it too far, though. Ive never had my balls waxed. My anus has never been bleached. And I aint into all that caviar facial bollocks.

To me, looking good is about working with what youve got, and taking care of the simple things. Then again, if something really, really bothers you, I aint got any bones about saying, Get it fixed. Going under the knife once in a while doesnt mean you automatically end up like Michael Jackson or that crazy Cat Woman in New York. Youve just gotta make sure you save up enough dough to pay for a top-notch doctorand youve gotta know when enoughs enough. In the meantime, youll be amazed what you can achieve with a bit of regular maintenance.


* * *



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Im a 24-year-old single man with a big date coming up, and I want to make sure I look good in the buffyknow, just in case. With that in mind: should I trim my armpit hair?

Simon, Bethnal Green, London

How long can your armpit hair possibly be, man? I mean, I could understand if you were worried about the hair on your head, or the smell of your cologne, or what kind of clothes youre gonna wearbut unless youre planning to get this poor woman in a nude headlock over dinner, how the fuck do your armpits come into the equation? Since you asked, though, let me give you some man-to-man advice: I shaved my armpits once for a joke, and it hurt like you wouldnt believe for a whole month. Worse than that, they broke out in an orrible pimply rash. So if I were you, Id leave your armpits well alone and concentrate on something else, like your conversation skills.



Dear Dr. Ozzy,

I cant resist the temptation to squeeze my blackheads and spots, even though I know Im not supposed to. Is this bad? Does anyone seriously just wait until they pop by themselves?

Chris, Kent

None of my spots ever go unsqueezed because of Sharon: if she sees one, shell be at it with a hammer and chisel in a heartbeat. Youre right, though: youre not supposed to start hacking away at your forehead, or youll leave behind a scar, give yourself an infection, or force that white gunky stuff in the wrong direction, making you look like Elephant Man. If youve got a bit of dough in the bank, go and see a good facialist and theyll do the squeezing for you. Pressing a hot towel to your face and then massaging the pores can also help. Whatever you do, make sure you wash your hands thoroughly first.



Dear Dr. Ozzy,

My ears stick out at right angles. I wouldnt mind if they did something more usefullike picking up Sky Sportsbut they just make me look like an idiot. What should I do?

Neil, Glasgow

No-one wants to walk around the place looking like the Ryder Cup. But I think youre being a bit hard on your poor old lugsthe job of hearing is pretty important (take it from someone whos half-deaf). And Prince Charles does alright with his ears, which he could rent out at the weekend as parasails. But my advice is always the same with these things: if it bothers you, do something about it. Yes, the operation might be expensive. But buying an iPad or a new telly is also expensive, and no-one ever seems to have any problem saving up dough for that. If your ears are making you miserable enough to write to Dr. Ozzy, it might be the best investment you ever make.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Im in my mid-thirties and sadly losing my hair. Should I resign myself to my fate, or fight it by any means necessary? How do you maintain your manly flowing locks?

Leo, Maryland

Ive always been blessed with good hair. I dont wear a rug. I dont wear extensions. And I dont use spray paint to touch-up bald spots. The only thing I do to my hair is dye it. In fact, Ive always promised myself that if I ever start getting threadbare on top, Ill shave it all off rather than getting an Irish (Irish jig = wig) or spending half the day trying to arrange my last three strands into a greasy comb-over. I mean, whenever I see these guys with crazy rugs, or the ones who wear cowboy hats all the time, I just wanna say to them, Fuck off, we all know you aint got any hair. And while its possible to buy some very good wigs these days if youve got the time, the dough, and the patience, most of em are ludicrous. I remember one time, I sat down at a bar in New York next to a bloke with the worst wig Id seen in my life. It was ginger, and made him look like a cat had died on his head I mean, buying a wig is one thing. But a ginger one? In the end I reached up, pulled it off, and used it to mop up my spilled beer. The guy went fucking mental. But if it taught him to be bald and proud, I did him a favour.




DR. OZZYS AMAZING MEDICAL MISCELLANY


Beauty Secrets Through the Ages

&#9830;If youve got bad skin, try using a three-inch-deep layer of white powder foundation to cover it. Then add some smudged eye-liner and fake blood. It wont get you laid, but itll get you out of babysitting duties for the rest of your life.

&#9830;They say that putting a cold tea bag on a bruise will make it go away faster. If a doctor ever asks if youre up for a bit of tea-bagging, though, its best to say no. He might mean something else.

&#9830;If a bird craps on your head while youre standing under a tree, wave and say thanksin Japan, thats considered a $150-a-pop facial treatment. (The stuff they use is a powder made from nightingale shit.)

&#9830;In the Philippines, mothers have been known to cut their babys eyelashes cos they think it makes them grow back longer and darker when theyre older. Personally, I wouldnt trust anyone to hold a pair of sharp scissors anywhere near a babys eyeballs. The kid aint gonna thank you for his long eyelashes if he needs a white fucking stick to cross the road.

&#9830;If you think rinsing your mouth out with Listerine tastes bad, you should have been around in Ancient Roman times: in those days, dental hygiene meant gargling with piss (as long as it came from someone Portuguese).





Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Im thinking of getting some cosmetic surgery done, but I feel very self-conscious about anyone seeing me with bandages over my face during the recovery periodand Im also concerned about the stares Im going to get when I show up in the office with a completely different face. Whats the best way to handle all this?

Sarah, Keswick

What exactly are you planning to do when your face is all bandaged upgo clubbing for a week in Cancun? The fact is, youre gonna have to stay indoors and rest after the operation, so you wont need to see anyone unless you want to. Over in California, they put you up in a special hotel where theres a whole floor for recovering patients. If its a cheapo job, then obviously you aint gonna get that kind of service, but in that case Id recommend that you wait until you can afford a better surgeon. As for the last part of your question: I dont understand why youre changing your appearance in the first place if youre worried about people noticing your change of appearance. It sounds to me like you havent thought this through. If I were you, Id put everything on hold until youve had a long talk with a therapist and sorted this out in your head.



Dear Dr. Ozzy,

Im a man of very limited stature (5ft). Should I buy platform shoes, or will that make me look sillier?

Gary, Belfast

Depends on the shoes. I aint short, but I used to wear these silver, glittery platform things in the 1970s, and I thought they looked the dogs bollocks. Mind you, I was doing a lot of acid at the time. My advice to you is not to worry so much about what other people think. If you dont mind being short, be short. And if you want to look like youre in ABBA, go for it.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

How can I get my skin to be as flawless as yours?

Nora, Dublin, Ireland

All I do is use a good natural creamnothing fancy, not the two-grand-a-bottle bullshitevery morning and every night. What youve got to remember is that your face is out in the elements all the time, which means it has to deal with sun, dust, grime, and all other kinds of other crap. Also, as skin ages, it gets drier, so you need to blast it with as much moisture as possible. Personally I dont bother with facials, unless Sharon has someone over the house and ropes me into it. Shes got skin creams up the fucking yin-yangwhich I suppose is alright if youre a woman. But speaking as the owner of a pair of testicles, I like to keep my daily grooming time down to the bare minimum.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I was looking at some holiday pictures recently and realisedwith horrorthat I have a quadruple chin. I look like a cross between my grandma and a concertina. Help!

John, Hastings

I used to have more chins than a Chinese phone book. Its a genetic thing with my familywe all have this balloon of fat under our jaws. When I complained to my GP about it, he told me to grow a beard, but I didnt want a beard. So in the end I fixed it with liposuction. They stick a needle into the blubber, suck it out, and send you away with a bandage around your face, like youve just had the worst dentists appointment of your life. Luckily, I didnt notice the pain, cos I was still blasted all the time in those days. Its like I always say, if something bothers you every time you look in the mirror, and if the technology exists to sort it outand youve got the doughthen do it.

It changed my life.



Dear Dr. Ozzy,

Plucking my eyebrows makes me sneezewhy do you think this is, and how can I stop it happening?

Louise, Essex

I have exactly the same problem. Putting on eye make-up before a gig always sends the snot flying in all directionsmy green room is literally a green room. The reason it happens (so I believe) is your sinuses, which go all the way up your face to your eyebrow area. When you pluck your eyebrows youre basically tickling them. The bad news is that the only way to stop it happening is to stop plucking. So you either have to put up with the occasional sneezing fit, or get ready to start looking like a walking hedgerow.



Dear Dr. Ozzy,

I was born with a pale complexion but would love to get a suntanpeople with brown skin look so much healthier. What the best way to do this without resorting to tin foil?

Vicky, Sunderland

Whatever you do, dont go to an old-fashioned tanning salon. I went to one of those joints once, turned the machine straight up to level ten-and-a-half, and passed out on the bed. Then I woke up a few hours later looking like Id been hit by an atomic bomb. I was furious with myself for months, cos I could hardly walknever mind smile, or bend over, or do anything that involved creasing even the tiniest part of my skin. I might as well have paid someone to throw me in a bath of acid, it probably would have been less painful. It ages you by decades, too. A few doses of the hard stuff and youll end up with a face like an 18th century football. I urge you to avoid anything to do with UV raysfar too dangerous for my likingand get one of those quickie spray-on jobs instead. It wont last long, and you might smell a bit funny the day after, but it wont give you third-degree burns and it wont give you cancer, which is enough for me.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Whats the best way to get rid of warts?

Tim, Dartmouth

Antifreeze and fire. I dont recommend it, though.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Im in my mid-40s and stunned to find that my hair is turning white (not the hair on my head). I thought I could use dye, but some hairs are black and I dont want to look like a tabby. Its getting me down and is threatening to affect my love life, which I was hoping to ignite with the local plastic surgeon before its too late. Help!

Katy, Buckinghamshire

Personally, Ive never had a bikini wax, and I dont know why any bloke in his right mind would ever let another bloke anywhere near his nearest and dearest. For women, though, its a lot more commonand in your case, it sounds like the lawnmower treatment might not be a bad idea. Just dont get carried away. Over in LA, some women get this thing done called revirgination (where they repair your hymen) while gay blokes are getting parts of their bodies bleached that should never even see the light of day. I wouldnt recommend any of that. But a bit of hot wax might do the trick.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I recently lost a lot of weight and now I have horrendous stretch marks. How can I get rid of them?

Michael, Kent

This is the problem with losing weight as you get older: all the elasticity in your skin disappears, so you end up with a big, floppy bag of skin hanging over your arse. Either that, or you get the dreaded stretch marks. Ive got to ask you a question, though, Michael: where are these marks? If theyre under your clothes, why do anything? Who cares? Otherwise, have a look on the Internet for all the oils and potions you can put on your skin to help get rid of the redness, or ask your doc about laser treatment. Getting yourself zapped can be very pricey, but Im told it can be very effective.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Im desperate to get some tattoos, but Im broke, and my parents wont help me out, because they dont approve. Can I do them myself with a needle and some ink, like you did?

Jason, Cardiff

Yes, you can do it yourself, but I strongly advise you not to, cos all kinds of things can go wrong if you start stabbing yerself with a rusty fork. Either that, or you need to become a qualified tattoo artist. Personally, I learned while I was doing time for burglary in Winson Green prison, Birmingham: anything to make the day go by quicker. I remember one of the guys drawing a picture of The Saint on my arm with a ballpoint penId been a fan of the show since it started in 1962then he used a sewing pin hed nicked from the workroom and some melted grate polish (the stuff they used to clean fireplaces with) to poke in a tattoo over the top. After that, I was hooked. I once spent a whole afternoon in Sutton Park, a posh part of town, spelling out O-Z-Z-Y across my knuckles. Then I put a smiley face on each of my knees to cheer myself up when I was sitting on the bog in the morning. My old man wasnt very fucking impressed, mind you. He took one look at me, shook his head, and went, Son, youre an idiot.



Dr. Ozzys Trivia Quiz: Being Beautiful: #qa03


Find the answersand your scorehere: #q1

1. What crazy beauty secret did Cleopatra use to always look good?

a) Smearing crocodile shit on her face

b) Putting asss milk up her ass

c) Banning mirrors in her house


2. Which of these unlikely ingredients have been found in baldness cures throughout history?

a) Burnt mice

b) Ground horse teeth

c) Bear grease (whatever the fuck that is)


3. If you sit for a long time behind a car window on a sunny day, whats most likely to happen?

a) Youll tan faster than The Situation

b) You wont turn brown, but youll burn like Guy Fawkes on November 5

c) You wont tan or burnbut people will start mistaking you for Yoda


4. Who spent $24,000 (more or less) on a single haircut in 2009?

a) Tony Blair

b) Michael Jackson

c) The Sultan of Brunei


5. What do the Czechs bathe in before and/or after drinking beer?

a) Beer

b) Horse sweat

c) Sausage fat



FamilyThe Other F-Word

4





You Love Em to Death, but They Drive You Fucking Mental

Last December, my wife had one of her brilliant ideas. Ozzy, she said to me one morning. Lets go to England, get all the kids together, and have a traditional family Christmas in our family home in the English Countryside. Itll be lovely. What do you think?

Are you sure? I said. The kids are grown-up now. Maybe they want to do their own thing.

Oh, Ozzy, she said. Of course theyll want to be with their mum and dad. Besides, its the house where they all grew up.

I wasnt very convinced. Look, Sharon, I said. Are you absolutely sure you know what youre doing?

Of course I do! she replied.

Needless to say, it was a fucking disaster. Peace on earth? It would have been more peaceful if wed gone to Tripoli. Could the kids get along with each other for more than five seconds? Not on your life. If it wasnt one, it was the other. All I could hear were slammed doors, houseplants being thrown across the room, and people screaming at each other. It was so bad at one point, I almost fell off the wagon and had a beer. Finally, on Christmas day, I got up, went downstairs, and said to everyone, Look: all I want for Christmas is for you to get on, even if you have to fake itjust for ONE fucking day!

Everyone nodded, hung their heads, and agreed to calm down. It lasted three hours. Then they were back at it again, worse than before. It broke my heart, to be honest with youand it broke Sharons heart, too. I was just so disappointed, yknow? But you can only do so much with your kids, then youve just got to let em get on with it. The thing is, everyone wants the perfect familybut it doesnt exist. We all dream of our cozy little domestic get-togethers, where everyone says how much they love each other, everyone remembers the good times, and no-one gets angry or jealous or has any issues. As Dr. Ozzy, Ive come to realise that all families are made up of human beings, and human beings are by their very nature messy and emotional and full of all kinds of fears and insecurities. If that sounds familiar to you, I recommend you read on, cos this chapter takes you through just about every issue youre ever likely to face with your own flesh and blood, all the way from the womb to the nursing home.


* * *



I: BASIC PARENTING



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My husband and I are trying to have a second baby, and wed love it to be a girl. Is there anything we can do in the bedroom department to skew the odds in our favour?

Pamela, London

Ive heard lots of whacky theories about gender swaying over the years: do it standing on your head for a boy; keep your left sock on for a girl; drink lemon juice for a boy; cranberry juice for a girl etc., etc. Its all bollocks if you ask me, and the bottom line is, even if you want a girl and you get a boy, you aint gonna love him any less. And theres something to be said for the surprise. When Sharon and I had our son, Jack, we had no idea what sex he was, cos he was lying in a funny position when they did the sonogram. In fact, we were convinced he was gonna be a girl, cos we had two daughters already, so when he popped out with a full set of tackle, our jaws hit the floor. If you want more certainty, a fertility clinic might be able to helpyou can probably order a kid with purple hair and glow-in-the-dark eyes, never mind a girlbut if I were you, Id stop worrying. The only thing that really matters is that your little one is healthy.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My wifes pregnant, and every time we leave the house, I get paranoid that her waters might break. What does this mean, anyway? Would I have to deliver the baby myself?

Jason, Cardiff

From what I understandwhich aint very muchbabies grow inside a little watery sac thing, and when that bursts, the kids ready to pop out. Thats what it means when a pregnant womans water breaks. But theres no need to get all paranoid about it: even if it happens in public, it doesnt mean you have to deliver your son with a toilet plunger and wooden spoon, or whatever it is youre imagining. All you need to do is drive your missus to the nearest hospital, sharpish. In fact, thats exactly what I had to do when my first daughter, Jessica, was born. The only problem was, I didnt know how to drive, and Id been drinking all day. Apart from that, it was easy.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My three-year-old son keeps being hit/kicked/bitten by the son of one of my friends. Worse, my friend never does anything about it. What can I do?

Catherine, Washington, UK


As a parent, youve just gotta accept that some kids play rougher than others. Thats all very well to say, mind you, until some brat whacks your little pumpkin over the back of the head with a wooden hammer. That happened to one of my own kids at a playground in Staffordshire once, and before I even had time to think, I just turned around and chinned the other kids dad. Looking back, I should have said something when the bullying first startedbut I let it continue, getting worse and worse, until I finally blew my top. So I recommend you talk to your friend nowbefore she aint your friend any more.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Is it true that a cat might try to suffocate a newborn baby? My husband and I have just had our first child, and need to know if we should get rid of our eight-year-old moggy.

Victoria, Isle of Wight

I used to worry about the same thing. Basically, cats like sleeping in warm placeswhich is why they jump into cotsand people say they can smell the milk on a babys breath. But you dont need to frog-march poor old Mr. Moggins outside at dawn and shoot him. Just keep the door to your babys room closed (as long as youve got a monitor) when the little ones alseep. Problem solved.




DR. OZZYS INCREDIBLY HELPFUL TIPS


Operating Instructions for Children

&#9830;Remember, babies arent that much different from rock stars. They go crazy if they dont get enough to drink. They feel a lot better after theyve thrown up on your new carpet. And they crap their pants more than once a day. Basically, the same as me during the most of the eighties.

&#9830;Most strollers nowadays come with a beer holder and an ashtray. In an emergency, they can be also used to carry milk bottles and wet wipes.

&#9830;Dont even think about asking your own parents for advice about raising infants. At the age of 62, Im lucky if I can remember why I just walked into a room, never mind how I changed a fucking nappy in 1972. Mind you, I dont think I ever did change a nappy, so even if I could somehow go back in time, I still wouldnt have a clue. Work out it for yourself.




Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I taught my three-year-old son a swear word for a laugh and now I cant get him to stop saying it. Im mortified. What should I do?

Catherine, Aberdeen

Never, ever, swear in front of little kids: their brains are hard-wired to pick up ittrust me. You cant get em to learn the alphabet to save your life, but theyll memorise every filthy word in the Oxford English dictionary in a heartbeat. I mean, yeah, it might crack you up to hear a toddler effing and blinding, but aint so funny when you take your little blue-eyed angel to the in-laws, and he goes, Hello grandma, you c***.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My wife has signed up our son for football practice, piano lessons, and yoga. Hes two. Is this insane?

Alex, Oxford

It sounds like hes ready to become Prime Minister. I mean, how old is David Cameronfour-and-a-half? Seriously though, my advice would be to leave the kid alone. Buy him a cowboy suit. Get him a fucking Lego set. Its your missus who should sign up for somethinglike therapy. A lot of parents these days just seem to be passing on all their insecurities onto their kids. I mean, piano lessons at two? Give me a break, man. Whats next? Pilot training and deep sea diving classes? We pile all this pressure on to these little people then wonder why theyre burned out at nine. My advice: slow down.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My four-year-old daughter is addicted to Angry Birds on my iPad. Will this cause her any harm?

Scott, Los Angeles

I dont understand a single word of this question. Why do you have birds on your iPad, and why are they pissed off? The only thing I can think of is that this is some kind of video game. If so, I dont think theres anything wrong with your daughter playing itits probably good for heras long as theres a time limit. And instead of snatching it away when her fifteen minutes (or whatever) is upwhich will just make her want it moretrying distracting her with something else instead like ice cream, heh-heh-heh.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Did you think twice before vaccinating your kids, given the controversey over vaccines and autism, or do you think the fear is overblown by a few hysterical Hollywood actor types?

Steve, Bognor

Hand on heart, I cant say I had anything to do with the decision to vaccinate our kidsI was too busy vaccinating myself with lakes of booze. But I was as freaked out as the next parent when I heard all the talk a few years ago about the shots being linked to autism (the research turned out to be bullshit, but a lot of people are still very concerned). I mean, my sister got the flu vaccine this winter, and then came down with the worst flu of her life. So in a way it seems to make sense. But the thing is, they dont stick needles in kids for funthey do it cos the diseases they prevent are fucking horrendous. The only reason we dont realise how bad things like whooping cough are is because theyve been wiped out by the drugs. But here in California, where I live, babies are now dying from it again, cos no-ones getting their shots. To me, it doesnt make sense to expose your kids to things you know are dangerous to avoid something that hasnt been proved to be dangerousno matter how suspicious you might be of vaccine companies and their dodgy motives. But everyones different, and at the end of the day, its a decision you have to make for yourself.



Dear Dr. Ozzy,

Im about to become the father of a baby boy, and while Im not Jewish, Im wondering if I should get him circumcisedit just seems so much cleaner. Whats your opinion?

Alan, Leicester

I aint Jewish, either, but I still got the old rusty scissor treatmenteven though my two younger brothers didnt. I remember asking my mum what she was thinking, expecting some kind of logical explanation. Instead, she just went, Oh, it was the fashion. The fashion? This was my most prized possession she was talking about, not a pair of bell-bottom jeans! Luckily I didnt get any stick for the way I looked in the showers at school, mainly cos in those days, the only showers we got were when it rained. But is it more hygenic? Well, given some of the very dark and smelly places I explored in the 1970s, I would say yes. For most people, though, a bar of soap is probably just as effective.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Ever since our baby daughter was born, our three-year-old son has started to regressmaking goo-goo, gah-gah noises, etc. Should we tell him to grow up and act like a big boy, or go along with it while making sure to give him more special attention?

Martha, Brixton

I feel very sad for the poor kid, cos he probably thinks his mum and dad dont love him as much, now theres a brand-new sibling in the house. As one of six Osbourne kids, I can fully sympathize. Because your sons feeling insecure, I wouldnt get mad at him for making the baby noises. That could just make it worse. A better idea would be to make an extra special effort to give him some one-on-one attention: buy him an ice cream, take him to his favourite park whatever. You just need to reassure him that he aint forgotten. If he keeps making the baby noises after that, dont tell him to stop it, just ask him gently to use his big boy voice. My guess is hell grow out of it before long.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My wife wants to give our baby a pacifier. Im putting up a fight, because I think itll be an impossible habit to break. Whats your expert medical opinion on this matter?

David, Cornwall

If youre looking for some moral support, youve come to the wrong guy. I once sent a private jet halfway across America to go and get Babymy son Jacks teddy bearafter we left it in a hotel room. That fucking teddy bear pretty much ended up with its own security detail, we were so scared of losing it. Weve still got it today, in fact. Meanwhile, my daughter Kelly didnt just have one pacifier, she had two: one for each finger. And if its any reassurance, breaking the habit wasnt difficult at all: one day, she just got bored of it, like kids do. Then it was straight on to the next big, exciting thing: her thumb.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I was looking through my 3-year-old sons locker at nursey school the other day and discovered that his best male friendsame agesent him a Valentines Day card. Whats more: the boy in question has two gay dads. I know were supposed to be cool about this kind of thing nowadays, but Im freaking out. Advice?

Eric, Derby

It sounds to me like your problem isnt with the Valentines Day cardthe kids three, so he aint got a clue what it means, anywaybut with the two gay dads. I mean, would you be as freaked out if it were a boy with straight parents whod sent it? Probably not. Youd probably think it was cute. So you need to sit yourself down, remind yourself the world has changed a lot in the past few fears, and get over it, to be honest with you.



II: ADVANCED PARENTING



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I found porn on my sons computer. What should I do?

Liz, Los Angeles

I once found girlie magazines in my sons room, but what was I going to say to him? Im Ozzy fucking Osbourne. Luckily, you dont have that problemalthough the answer to your question really depends on your sons age. If hes 12, then I dont think he should have unlimited access to a computer with an Internet connection. But if hes 16 or older then I think its completely normal for him to be interested in that kind of thingas long as it aint the really crazy freaky stuff. The fact is, even most grown men like the occasional blue movie. I watch em on the road from time to time, cos its better than picking up some groupie and having my balls turn green (not to mention the fact that Im a happily married man). It cant hurt to talk to your kid about all this, though, if you can pluck up the courage. Better yet, have his father or a male friend strike up a conversation about it. Being open is usually the best way.



Dear Dr. Ozzy,

My daughter has an enormous nose. Im not going to lie: its huge (although she has always looked beautiful to me). She says its ruining her social life, and now she wants a nose job for her 14 birthday, which Im told is normal these days. Advice?

Zan, Florida

There are a lot of people wholl tell you that bullying makes you stronger and that youve gotta learn to take it if you want to get on in the world. The trouble is, though, when youre being called big nose five hundred times a day at school because youve got Mount Everest stuck to your face, that aint very fucking helpful. Like everything, the people who are so sure youve got to put up with it dont have to handle the problem themselves. And kids can be incredibly cruel, yknow? Not only that, but things you get teased for a school can mess you up for the rest of your life. To this day, Im still very insecure about my dyslexia, because I was brought up being told that I was stupid. So look: people get birth-marks and other harmless stuff removed all the time because of the way they look. Its no different with a giant conk. Buy her the nose job.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My 10-year-old daughter borrowed my iPad without asking and found an explicit photograph of me and my girlfriend on it (Im recently divorced from her mum). Now she wont speak to meand Im terrified of what my ex-wife is going to do. Help!

Jerry, Milton Keynes

Adopt the brace position and prepare for bollocking of a lifetimeand to be honest with you, I aint exactly overflowing with sympathy. I mean, Im useless when it comes to iThis and iThat, but it doesnt take a fucking genius to realise that you need to set a password before leaving a computer lying around, especially if there are kids in the house. Mind you, taking those dirty pictures in the first place wasnt a very clever idea, either: youre the one whos supposed to warning your kids about sexting, not the other way around. The divorce only makes things worse, cos your daughter was probably feeling weird and insecure about your new relationship to begin with. When she can finally look you in the eye again, you need to have a heart-to-heart. And while you aint by any means in the clear yourself, you need to explain to her that some things are private, and that she cant look at your stuff without permission. Point out to her that when she gets older, shell expect you to give her some personal space, too.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I suspect that my 15-year-old son is partaking in a bit of the old sweet leafie, cannabis. Without alienating our good relationship, how can I deal with the, ahem, irony of it all?

Lonnie, Channel Islands

Heres what I always tell myself: we were all kids once, and when we were worried about being caught doing anything bad, wed lie. When my father gave me the, If I ever catch you smoking cigarettes lecture, I still did it, but under wraps, so he wouldnt find out. So dont be militant about the drugs. Just come clean with your son, lay your cards on the table. Say, Look, I know about the pot, and Im worried. Tell them that unlike the dickhead whos been selling them weed, you love them unconditionally, and youre the best friend theyll ever have. Its better to be cool with your kids than put up a brick wall, otherwise theyll just go sneaking around behind your back.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I recently discovered that my 13-year-old daughter has been text-messaging racy photographs of herself to her boyfriendsexting, as its known. What on earth should I do?

Janice, North London

Get everyone in a room togetheryou, your daughter, your daughters father, the boyfriend, the boyfriends parentsand deliver a category-five bollocking. Ram it home to them how stupid it is. Then make absolutely sure that all copies of those pictures are destroyed. The thing you need to make clear is that you arent angry with them so much for exploring their bodieskids have always played doctors and nursesbut because when you press send on a phone or a computer, you lose control of that image forever. All it takes is for some idiot to pick up the boyfriends phone and forward the picture, and it could have gone around the world twice in a few hoursand ended up on the kind of websites you dont even want to believe exist. Thats not even to mention the embarrassment shed suffer if any of her classmates got hold of it.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My teenage son has started to spend hours alone in his bedroom, and when I go in there to clean, I notice crusty stains on the carpet. How can I tell him to use a tissue?

Anne, Edinburgh

Ask him if hes been making any Airfix planes recently, because youre finding glue all over the place. Then tell him very nicely that you dont mind him making Airfix planesits normal at his agebut if he spills any more glue, he really should use a tissue, because its only polite. With any luck hell be so embarrassed, hell never dirty the carpet again.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My 25-year-old daughter lives alone in London and has started to go out on Internet dates. Is this safe? How can I get her to meet a man the old-fashioned wayie, offline?

Max, Hull

The Internet makes me glad Ive got attention deficit disorder, cos otherwise Id be as glued to the screen as everyone else, getting up to no good. But the truth is, times have changed, and Ive heard a lot of stories about people meeting the love of their lives onlineso it cant be all bad. Besides, whats worse, arranging dates on the computer, or getting picked up in bars? The only thing Id say to your daughter is, Look, a guy can tell you anything he wants to online, so dont believe everything you read. Plus, most guys want a bonk, not a wife. Bearing that in mind, I hope she finds the right bloke.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My son has taking up smoking to impress a new girlfriend. How can I get him to stop?

Lauren, Staffordshire

I made the same mistake myself. I took some chick from Digbeth to the pictures when I was 14, and brought along five cigarettes and a penny book of matches to impress her. You could smoke yourself blue in the face at the cinema in those days. So there I was, sitting in this darkened room, puffing away, trying to be Jack the lad, and suddenly I broke out in a cold sweat. What the fucks wrong with me? I thought. Then I burped and tasted puke. I had to run to the can and lock myself in a stall while I coughed my guts up. I was so sick, man. Eventually I dragged myself out of the exit and went straight home, throwing up the whole way. To this day, I dont know what happened to the girl. I wouldnt have touched another cigarette for as long as I lived if it hadnt been the normal thing to do back then. So heres my suggestion: put your son off cigarettes by making him ill. Throw some ash on his cornflakes. Maybe thatll work.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Like you, Im covered in tattoos, but now my beautiful 17-year-old daughter wants to get one done. Im trying to talk her out of it, because I hate the way tattoos look on young girls, but I feel like a hypocrite. Please help.

Tony, Los Angeles

The trouble with tattoos is, theyre addictive. Ive known girls who start out with a little flower on their ankle, and three months later, theyve got an entire battle scene across their arse. When my own daughter got tattoos, I said to her, Look, fashions come and fashions go, and one day you might end up resenting what you did to your body when you were young. Its one think being young and beautiful with a tattoo, and another thing when youre a grandma with a floppy old dagger on your arm. I mean, there are times when even I wake up and look at the smiley face I drew on my knee and think, What did I do that for? They hurt like crazy, too, when you first get em done. To me, though, the best thing to point out to your daughter is that tattoos just arent that special anymore: everyone has em. If she wants to be really ahead of the pack, shed be better off investing her money in one of those laser removal companies. Theyre gonna be making a fortune in a few years time, when tattoos aint the in thing any more.



Dear Dr. Ozzy,

My son has failed (or near enough) all his high school exams. The only career option for him now is manual labour, but he doesnt seem to care. How can I motivate him to do better?

Brian, Cheshire

I was the same when I was a kidand it wasnt until 20 years later that I found out it was all related to my dyslexia and ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder). Your son should get checked out for both those things, cos theres a lot of help available now. The good news is that its never too late to get an education these days, thanks to computers and the internet. When I was at school, 300 years ago, it was different: when you were out on yer ear, you were out on yer ear. It was the factory, or signing up as cannon fodder in the military. And they wouldnt even let me in the Army. We want subjects, not objects, they told me. Fortunately, I found something I loved with heavy metal. Thats the secret, really: finding something you actually enjoy doing, which can also pay the bills. At the end of the day, that matters more than passing any test.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My 16-year-old son says hes gay, but I think its just the crowd hes hanging out with. Is there anything I can dolike hiring an escort, maybethat might change his mind?

Neil, Brighton

To be honest with you, Neil, I take my hat off to your son for coming out to his old man at such a young age. That takes serious balls, and I very much doubt hed go to all the bother if he wasnt a thousand million per cent sure. I mean, I have a gay relative, and he told me that he always knew he was gay, from as young as he could remember. Hiring an escort would just be an insultnot to mention illegal and more than a bit creepy. Dont do it, man. Whats important is to tell your kid you love him and support him whether hes gay, straight, bi, trans, whatever. However awkward this might be for you, itll feel like the end of the world for him if he thinks hes being rejected.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Like you, I have a son from another marriage. The problem is, I find it hard to connect with him, because weve lived apart for years and were both men, so we dont like to talk about our feelings. How can I get around this without it being embarrassing?

Nigel, Durham

This is a common problem with men. I remember trying to talk to my own dadevery time I said anything to him, it was like, What now, son? or Im busy, can we talk about this later? But times have changed. Fathers arent these distant, scary figures any more. Still, it can be difficult with a son you dont see very often, so what I suggesteven though I dont drink any moreis to go out for a quiet pint with him. As long as you dont get blasted, it might loosen you up a bit. At the very least, just show willingness to get together, and itll happen naturally. Whatever you do, dont put it off. Feeling embarrassed is nothing compared to the regret of missing out on your kids life.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My 15-year-old daughter has started to dress in a way that would befit an employee of Spearmint Rhino in Las Vegas. How do I explain to her that this will bring her the wrong kind of male attention, without sounding like a boring old fart?

Bob, Sunderland

Unfortunately, all fathers who have girls have to go through this stage in their lives, and it aint pleasant. Obviously youve gotta talk to her (or better yet, get her mother to talk to her). But theres only so far you can take it, cos at the end of the day she might just go, Okay, Mum and Dad, youre right, then get changed into her mini-skirt and fishnets in the garden shed, or in the back of her best mates car. The thing is, she probably wants male attentionmaybe theres one boy in particular shes interested inbut she has to work out for herself how to tell between the right and wrong kind. As I always say to other parents, hold on to your drawers, and hope she grows out of it.



III: SIBLINGS



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

None of my siblings get along, but they all insist on getting together every year at Christmas. Im already dreading itbut staying away isnt an option, unless I want a war with my mother. Any tips on getting through the day?

Mike, Cornwall

If you think your family is bad company at Christmas, you should have been at the Osbournes during my drinking days. It wasnt exactly merry, put it that way: by the end of the day, Id be half-naked, covered in cranberry sauce, and throwing bricks at people. Then there was the year I bought two 28-gallon barrels of beerbitter and mildand set them up in my home studio. I got through both of em in less than a week. In fact, it got to the point where I was getting up in the night to use the toilet, and having a quick pint on my way back to bed. My ex-wife would find me the next morning, passed out in the slops. To answer your question, though: if I were you, Id use the two rules of family gatheringsarrive early, and leave early. I understand youve got to show your face, but theres nothing to stop you keeping the torture to a minimum.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My dad is close to having a nervous breakdown over my 25-year-old sisters choice of boyfriend. Hes is an illegal immigrant and a heavy dope smoker with (Im not kidding) a tattoo of a pork chop and two chicken drumsticks on his chest. What can I do to put her off him?

Chaz, Birmingham

If you want someone to do something, tell them NOT to do it. This guy could be an axe-murderer, but if you say to your sister, Look, he doesnt fit the mould (or if you call immigration) she might just run off with him. You shouldnt lie, though, and neither should your old man: if your sister asks for approval, you should both come clean and tell her what you think. Ive had all sorts come into my house over the years to see my girls although most of the time they dont approve of me, not the other way around. My guess is that eventually your sister will think to herself, What am I doing with this pork chop dickhead? In the meantime, tell your dad to hold on, this stage will pass.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My brother is 30 going on 13. He has never lived on his own, and my parents wont kick him out. What can I say/do to get him to pull his head out of his backside and grow up?

Sara, Texas

When I was growing up in England, this problem was always the other way roundparents wanted their kids to look after them. It was the only reason why most people had kids in the first place. These days, I know grown men in their fifties who are still living their with their folks. Its fucking unbelievable, man. I mean, what happens when you want to bring a girl home to give her a good old seeing to, and your mum comes in halfway through to bring you a cup of tea and a sandwich? It doesnt exactly look very smooth does it? At the end of day, though, people do what they want to do, and there aint much you can say to stop em. Especially brothers. Although you might want to buy yours a DVD of The 40-Year-Old Virgin, to give him a glimpse of the future.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My wifes brother-in-law is a handyman/contractor, so we feel obliged to use him for all our jobs around the house. The problem is, hes useless, and he complains all the time. How can we get ourselves out of this awkward situation? (My wife sees her sister every day, so she doesnt want any tension or weirdness.)

Billy, Scarborough

If you can write to Dr. Ozzy about this, your missus can surely have a quiet word with her sister. Not, Your husbands an incompetant, whingeing arsehole, but something more like, Look, our two husbands have been butting heads on this DIY project, and Im worried that if they keep at it they might fall out, and Id really hate that to happen, so why dont we tell em to take a break from working together on the house for a while? The alternative is to just put up with itbut in my experience of having renovated half the Western hemisphere with Sharon, people get very stressed-out during construction, and at some point another, voices will be raised or worse.



IV: SPOUSES & IN-LAWS



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I have three small kids and would love to live nearer my mum so she can help out. My husband is refusing to move, however, based on the advice of his late father to never live in the same town as your mother-in-law. How can I change his mind?

Sonia, Paris

Its one thing saying, I married you, not your mum when youre footloose and fancy free, but its quite another when youve got three little kidswhich can feel like having three full-time jobs sometimes. If your husbands putting his foot down, then I think its perfectly to reasonable for you to say to him, Okay then, either you need to chip in more with the work around the house, or you need to earn more money so we can afford some extra help. Faced with a choice between his free time or his beer money, living a bit closer to your mum might suddenly begin to seem like a brilliant idea.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My mother-in-law is the worlds worst cook. How can I avoid eating her food without offending her?

Stephanie, Durham

Get a dog. That way, you can look like a hero by filling up your plate and then coming back for more while passing down handfuls of lumpy mashed potato to your four-legged friend under the table. Just dont get a dog thats too big: having a ten-stone Rottweiler burping and slobbering by your feets gonna be a bit of a giveaway, especially if he farts. Another trick is to stuff the food in your pocket. One time I managed to fit all three courses of one of Sharons dinners into my coat. The only problem was, I forgot all about it, so when she took a trip to the dry-cleaners a few months later, she found my stash of rock-hard dumplings. Most of em ended up being thrown at my head.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My wife has suddenly started going to a local happy clappy church. Im not religious at all, and to be honest with you, I find it all very disturbing. Is it possible to have a marriage where one person is an atheist and the other is a devout Christian?

Oliver, Darlington

Some people turn to God like others turn to cocaineusually cos theres something missing in their lives. I had a very good friend who was an addict for years, and the second he gave it up, he became a Jesus-freak. It was like he swapped one for the other. Talk to your wife about it. See if you can find out what it is thats making her so intense all of a sudden. But if she continues this way, theres gonna be a blow up at some point, mark my words. Evangelists are supposed to evangelise, so eventually shes gonna be on your case about the good news. And thatll be very bad news for you. (After this question was published, I got an e-mail from a guy called Paul from Oxford, who said his Catholic mum and atheist dad had been together for 30 years. The bottom line is if they have love and respect for each other, he told me. If not, then thats where the problems start, irrespective of religious persuasion.)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My partner is divorced and has three kids who dont live with us. The trouble is, he never stops talking about them. He even talks to me about his bloody ex-wife! Its driving me mad, but Im afraid to mention it, in case he thinks Im narrow-minded.

Julia, London

Ive had first-hand experience of this problem, and its a tough one. At one point I was spending so much time juggling between my first wife, Thelma, and my second wife, Sharon, Id come home and call the missus Tharonwhich earned me more than a few black eyes, believe me. Over in California, you hear of these weird families where everyones divorced and remarried but still friends, but thats gotta be pretty fucked up. I mean, were all human. It sounds to me like youve started to feel a bit like the booby prize when it comes to your bloke. My advice would be to talk to him about it, but do in a way that doesnt sound like a criticism. Put yourself in his shoes; ask yourself what it would be like if you had a little boy or girl from another marriage, and how much youd love them and want to stay in touch. But then explain to him that you have feelings, too, and that you need to know how you fit into his world.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My mother-in-law complains to mein detailabout how my father-in-law fails to satisfy her in bed. What sort of brain eraser do you recommend? (Im tempted by the Smith & Wesson method.)

Nina, Texas

As far as my kids are concerned, having sex over the age of 45 should be illegal. Never in a million years would I talk to them directlynever mind their partnersabout giving one to their mum (although if they read this book they aint gonna have much choice). I mean, whats wrong with this woman? No-one in their right mind wants to think about their father-in-laws one-eyed wonder, or how good he is at swinging it between the sheets. I recommend changing the conversation, or buying ear-plugs.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My parents dont get along with each other any more, but theyre so old nowlate 60s and early 70sthey dont want to divorce and end up living alone. The trouble is, their unhappiness with each other is making everyone around them miserable. Any words of wisdom?

Catherine, Boston

Its not what they should do, its what YOU should do. Call a family meeting. I do this all the time when somethings bothering me. Tell your folks that their bickering is getting everyone down, and that its reaching the point where its giving you so much anxiety, you dont even want to spend time with them any morewhich makes you sad, cos you love them both very much. If they still cant resolve their problems after that, ask if they can at least make an effort to be civil to each other while youre around.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My wife gets very aggressive during her time of the month, but if I point this out, she gets even angrier. What can I do about this?

Gary, London

If there are four words that a married man should never say to his wifeespecially during an argumentits time of the month. Its the atomic bomb option, and the bombs only ever gonna land in one place: on your fucking head. Personally, I have a lot of sympathy for women when it comes to the T.O.T.M.it must be awful. My advice to you, Gary, is to simply get out of the house if you suspect thats whats putting your missus in a bad mood. As anyone in the Army will tell you: its harder to hit a moving target.



Dear Dr. Ozzy,

I want to propose to my girlfriend. The trouble is, her father died ten years ago, and now she has a stepfather who she doesnt really like. Do I need to ask his permission?

Ted, Stevenage

No. But if you want to keep the peace, why not ask the mother and the stepfather at the same time? Its never a bad idea to suck up to the in-laws, cos if youre anything like me, at some point youre gonna need all the goodwill you can get.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Im convinced my husband has fallen in love with one of his colleagues, but I dont think hes having an affairyet. Should I do nothing, or confront him? Id prefer it if he had a one-night stand than a close emotional relationship with another woman.

Joan, Bristol

Unless you have convincing evidence that something dodgys going on, Id leave it alone. Otherwise, your husband could end up saying to himself, Oh, well she thinks Im messing around anyway, so why not go for it? Or you could make him defensive, and then he might start to lie, and then youll have this big wedge between you. The absolute last thing you want to do is make it You vs. Them, cos thatll just make em closer. One sneaky tactic you could use is to befriend this woman and start hanging out with her all the timethe old keep your enemies closer game. Not that Sharon would ever do that, mind you. If she ever suspected anything, shed be round the other womans house in a heartbeat, breathing fire all over the place, and scaring the living shit out of her.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

This will make me sound like a chauvinistic pig, but I hate the fact my wife earns far more than me. Its not like she brags, but its driving me insane that she pays for everything, from the nanny to our family car. How can I consider myself a real man?

Jasper, Surrey

I know exactly how you feel. When I first started seeing Sharon, I was the smelly guy whod pissed away all his money and been fired by his band, and she was one with diamonds and fur whose dad was a multimillionaire. It made me feel terrible. In fact, I think it would make any man feel terrible unless hes some kind of gigolo who preys on loaded women. It might be an old-fashioned way of looking at the world, but I dont think theres anything wrong with wanting to provide. If that aint an option, though, you just need to make sure the missus knows youre gratefulmaybe by cooking dinner, doing the dishes, giving her foot massages, etc. Whatever you do, dont do what I did, and steal a bunch of flowers from the nearest graveyard to give to her. It might have seemed like a good idea at the time, but it soon backfired when she realised there was a card attachedwhich Id forgotten to take off. She thought it was gonna to be a romantic poem or something. Instead it said, In loving memory of our dearest Harry.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My wife insists on going to therapy every week, but as the earner in the family, I get lumped with the bills. Now the therapist is telling my wife she needs an expensive holidayand that she should stand up to me more on financial issues! So Im paying someone to make me poorer and ruin my marriage. What should I do?

Steven, Norwich

Ive been in a similar situation myself, and theres an easy solution: suggest to the missus that you go along to one of her sessions, so you can say to the therapist in person, Look, I resent the fact Im forking out good cash to help my wife, and all youre doing is poisoning her against me. Or you could just punch the guy in the face, and go, Analyse that. Seriously, though: youve gotta give your side of the story. Therapists arent superhuman, theyre just paid to listen (and make suggestions, in some cases). If your wife refuses to let you go, then it might be time to get suspicious. She could be using her weekly sessions as a cover up for something else, possibly involving the pool boy.



Dr. Ozzys Trivia Quiz: Flesh & Blood: http://qa04/


Find the answersand your scorehere: #q1

1. Which well-known historic person was sold to human traffickers by his family when he was a kid?

a) Martin Luther King

b) Joseph from the Bible

c) Oliver Cromwell


2. Whats the most number of babies (allegedly) ever born to one woman?

a) 71

b) 102

c) 69


3. In 2010, a woman in New Mexico, USA, did what to her daughter-in-law during a fight?

a) Ripped off her nipple

b) Pushed her out of a tenth-floor window

c) Tattooed FOR SALE on her forehead


4. According to therapists, what is the secret to a successful marriage?

a) Using flattery and persuasion

b) A bonk every other day

c) Being a total loser


5. How old was the youngest (confirmed) mother in medical history?

a) 7

b) 6

c) 5



Surgery: Not Just for Professionals

5





If You Want Something Done Do It Yourself

Okay, before we start this chapter, I dont want anyone getting the wrong idea: I aint saying you should go out and buy a hacksaw, a pair of barbeque tongs, and tube of Super Glue, then try and remove one of your own kidneys. If somethings bothering you, and youve got any choice in the matter, go to a fucking doctora real one, not Dr. Ozzyinstead of trying to fix the problem yourself. Especially if it involves chopping something off, taking something out, or making your tits bigger.

Sometimes, though, doing it yourself is the only way to go. Like that guy who went hiking in Utah, got stuck under a rock, then had to chop off his own arm. If he hadnt been willing to get his hands dirty, hed still be under that rock today. Then there was the famous case of that chick in Mexico who went into labour when she was all alone and in the middle of nowhere (she lived halfway up a mountain, and her husband was down the pub). She didnt want to risk going into labour, cos her last baby had been born dead, so she chugged half a bottle of rubbing alcohol, got out the kitchen knife, gave herself a C-Section, then passed out. The kid was fine although he had a bit of a hangover.[3 - I aint making this up. The mums name is Ines Ramirex Perez, and she had the baby on March 5, 2000 (according to the Associated Press).]

Obviously its unlikely youll ever find yourself in such a heavy duty situation. On the off-chance, though, I recommend tearing out the next few pages and keeping em with you at all times.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I think my arm is broken, but I dont have health insurance (I live in the United States) and I dont want to end up getting a bill for thousands of dollars from a hospital emergency room. Is there a fail-safe (and painless) way to make your own plaster-cast?

Stephen, Florida

Okay Stephen, this is what you have to do: get yourself down to the local Wal-Mart and buy three paper cups, some sticky-backed plastic, a pen, four knitting needles, and a ball of string. Youll also need a lemon, some ice, and tube of toothpaste. Oh, and a bag of cement mix. Lay it all out on the kitchen table. Then take a deep breath. When youve done all that GO. TO. A. DOCTOR. Honestly, are you fucking mad? Even if you dont have any dough, the E.R. will still treat you, and you can deal with the debt-collectors later. Trust me, your arm is going to be a lot more useful than any cash you might lose.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

If I ever had to remove my own leg in an emergency (say, I was trapped under something heavy while a long way from home, as in the movie 127 Hours), how difficult would it be?

Jay, Los Angeles

Depends. If you had a chainsaw handy, it wouldnt be difficult at allapart from the screaming agony part. Also, it goes without saying that youd have to be pretty fucking sure there were no other options before you went all-in. The last thing youd want is go to all the bother of amputating your own leg, only for ten fire engines to pull up three minutes later. In terms of the technicalities, I can only tell you what I saw on 127 Hours: you need to make a tourniquet; saw through the skin, flesh and muscle; find a way to break the bone (or bones); then snip the tendons. Then youve gotta find help before dying of blood loss or infection. In other words, its best avoided, if at all possible.




DR. OZZYS INSANE-BUT-TRUE STORIES


DIY SurgeryWhat NOT to Try

&#9830;Self-circumcision with a pair of old nail clippers. A bloke in Hertfordshire tried this in 2009 and ended up in the emergency ward with a plaster cast on his knob. This is something we would advise men never to attempt, said the hospital. No fucking shit, man.

&#9830;Gastric bypass operation using a kit you bought on Amazon.com. This aint a joke: a company in America was actually selling Laparoscopic Gastric Bypass Kits on the internet until recently. It was all a big mistake, apparently: the kit was only supposed to be available to hospitals. Still, it got 38 user reviewsall of em from people taking the piss.

&#9830;Brain surgery. A bit of an obvious one this, I would have thoughtbut not to a chick in Gloucester who drilled a hole in her own head while standing in front of a mirror (with a video camera running), cos shed been told it might cure tiredness. It all went well apart from the fact she put a big fucking hole in her head (although there cant have been much grey matter there to begin with). Afterwards, she insisted she felt much better.

&#9830;Laser eyesight correction. The main problem with zapping your own eyeballs is that you need your eyeballs to make sure youre pointing the laser at the right part of your eyeballs its also pretty hard to get your hands on a reliable laser, unless you live in a volcano and answer to the name Blofeld. The one in your old CD player aint gonna do much good.




Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I want to look like a celebrity but cant afford the high cost of getting my acne scars removed by a surgeon. If I buy my own silicone on the Internet, could I simply treat the scars myself (Ive seen how doctors on reality TV shows do the injections)?

Jaynie, London

No, no, fuck no, absolutely no way, and NO again. Times a million. I saw Neil Armstrong land on the moon on the telly, but that doesnt mean I could pilot the Mars Rover, does it? Ive heard terrible stories about people buying the wrong kind of siliconelike the stuff they put in car enginesand shooting themselves up with it, only to end up looking like Freddy Krueger from Nightmare on Elm Street. The worst thing is, you cant just leave it in there: someone has to cut open your face and get it out. To be honest with you, though, Im not even sure your acne scars are the real problem. If youre obsessed enough about your looks that youre willing to stick a needle in yourself, there might be something else going on. In fact, I would recommend talking to a therapist, cos it might be that youre suffering from some kind of negative body image disorder. I aint got anything against plastic surgeryIve had it done myself, and so has my wifebut sometimes people get way too hung up on this stuff.



Dr. Ozzy:

I crushed my finger between two heavy steel pipes: now its swollen and black. Do you think its broken?

Phil, Essex

This question isnt as stupid as it sounds, cos I once broke my tibiamy shinboneand I didnt realise it for weeks. I thought I was just bruised or something. Mind you, I was so blasted all the time, you could have taken a chainsaw to my right arm and I probably wouldnt have noticed. In fact, I think the reason I broke my tibia in the first place is because I was off my nut and fell down a flight of stairs. The other problem was, no-one ever used to listen to me when I complained about breaking something, because they all knew I saw it as an excuse to get my hands on some pain pills, which meant I could get even more out of my skull. I was like the boy who cried wolf, yknow? Especially when we were in America. I mean, you cant go a doctor in the states for anything without coming away with a bottle of pills. I used to turn up at appointments with a fucking shopping trolley. And in my darkest days, I used to actually try to injure myself to get pills. Which brings me back to the question: if youre asking me if your fingers broken, youre obviously not the kind of person who tries to scam your doctors, so if I were you, Id go and get it X-rayed. Either that, or go out and play a couple of games of pool. Youll know if its broken or not after that.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I have a corn on my right foot, and after a lot of consideration, Im thinking of trimming it myself. Are there any risks I should know about?

Gian, Frosinone, Italy

Dont do it, man. Seriously. I had a hairdresser once who got some kind of growth on his foot, so he dealt with it himself, forgot about it for years, then found outtoo latethat it was cancer. The other thing youve gotta bear in mind is, your entire body is weighing down on that foot for most of the day, so if things go wrong in that area, it can have consequences you cant even imagine. I mean, if you got a blow-out on your car, would you get out your little bicycle repair kit, glue the hole back together, then head out on the motoroway? No. So get yourself to a doctoror better yet, a chiropodist.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Is it really true that a Russian GP stationed in Antarctica removed his own appendix, spent only a fortnight recovering, then carried on with his work? Could anyone basically perform a self-appendectomy if there were no other help available?

Gillian, Spain

I got someone to look this up for me, and as mind-blowing as it sounds, its absolutely true. It aint the only case, either. Another doctor in America took out his own appendix just to prove that his anaesthetic worked (its a good job the guy wasnt selling guns for a livinghe might have ended up shooting himself in the head to prove his bullets worked). Just because a few nutters have managed to slice themselves open doesnt mean anyone else should try it, thoughno matter what the circumstances. Unless youve got a set of mirrors handy, some sharp knives, a bag of hardcore antibiotics, and a pair of balls the size of Mount Rushmore, youd be better off using your energy to find medical attention before you start digging around in your own stomach with a Swiss Army Knife. I mean, could you honestly say youd even know what an appendix looked like? Knowing me, Id end up cutting out a lung instead.



Dr. Ozzys Trivia Quiz: Under the Knife: #qa05


Find the answersand tote up your scorehere: #q1

1. Which of these horrendous medical errors really happened?

a) Amputating the wrong leg

b) Bifurcation (which left the patient with a forked tongue)

c) Transplanting the wrong heart and lungs


2. Which of these DIY cosmetic surgeries did people really attempt?

a) A nose job with a chisel and a chicken bone

b) Double chin surgery with a bread knife and a vacuum cleaner

c) Lip augmentation with an injection of sexual lubricant


3. What does auto-enucleation mean?

a) Deliberately exposing yourself to radiation

b) Gouging out your own eyes

c) When you body rejects an anaesthetic


4. In Medieval times, who did you go to for surgery?

a) A barber

b) A blacksmith

c) A carpenter


5. Which of these famous medical cases resulted in death

a) The man who removed his own pacemaker

b) The man who deliberately cycled into the back of a truck to fracture his jaw, so it could be reset in a more attractive way

c) The woman who tried to give herself liposuction by cutting her thighs and squeezing out the fat



General Practise

6





Dr. Ozzys A-to-Z of Uncommon Complaints

Every day, people write to me about the craziest shit youve ever heard in your life. A lot of the questions are so far-out, its impossible to sort them into any normal categories. Thats why Ive put all the whacky stuff into this chapter and listed them alphabeticallyso if you swallow a tennis ball, get a screwdriver stuck in your right ear, or start vomiting through your eyeballs, all youve gotta do is look under the right letter, and hope you find the answer. Personally, I wish Id had a guide like this for myself over the years, cos it would have come in very handy that time when my right leg started to dance a jig all by itself (look under J for Jimmy Legs), or when I accidentally ate a bumblebee on the way to the pub (see F for Flies & Other Insects ). Oh, youll also find some Surgery Noticeboard announcements in between the Q&As: we print these in The Sunday Times Magazine whenever we get a ton of e-mails on one subject. As a fake newspaper doctor with fuck-all qualifications, Im always happy to pass along other peoples dodgy advice.



A.


Animals (Effect on Mood)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My dog, Clive (a Labrador), seems awfully glum, to the point where its beginning to get me down. Could he be suffering from doggie depression? If so, what can I do about it?

Amy, Lille, France

Doggie Prozacask your vet about it. Personally, the only doggie depression Ive ever experienced is the feeling I get after one of my four-legged friends takes a dump behind the sofa.


Animals (Effect on Sleep)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Every night I go to bed with my dog, Ozzy (named after you), but wake up at 4am. I really want to stay in bed longer, but no matter what I do, I cant get back to sleep. Is this something to do with Ozzy, do you think? Please help, its driving me crazy.

Sammy [No address given]

I dont see how one dog could be much of an issueI go to bed with 17 dogs, plus about 20 mobile phones, and the wife. It sounds to me more like youve got a sleep disorder. Ive had the same problem for years, so I got someone to come over to the house one evening, put all these electrode things on my head, hook them up to a computer, and see what was going on in my brain. He was up all night, this guy, twiddling his knobs and studying his graphshe must be a raging insomniac himselfand when the results came back, my doc put me on a mild anti-depressant which helps me nod-off easier. It beats sleeping pills. Or whacking myself on the head with a mallet.



B.


Brain (Use Of)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Is it true that humans use only 10 per cent of their brains, or is this just another one of those stupid myths?

Andrew, Kent

I fucking hope that aint the case, cos Ive only got about ten per cent of my brain left. By your definition, that means Im running on about one per cent these days. Actually that explains a lot.


Breath (Offensive)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My breath is really badto the point where I cant talk to people who are close to me. Im a student here in Ghana, and I find it difficult even just to say Hello to friends on campus, because I just dont want to embarrass myself. Please Dr. Ozzy, I need your help

Emmanuel, Ghana

A long time ago, I made a pact with my wife: if my breath is bad, she has to tell meand vice versa. Obviously no-one needs to break the news to you, Emmanuel. By the sound of it, when you open your mouth, the sun gags. My guess is that the problem is being caused by one of two things: something very nasty in your gut, or gum disease. If I were you, my first stop would be a dentistalthough you might want to give her some advance warning, so she can put on a rubber suit and face mask, and light a few candles around the room first. In the meantime, try Euthymol, an old English brand of toothpaste, which makes you feel like you just gargled with gasoline and lit a match. Also buy some ultra-strength mouthwash, like Listerine, and get yourself a tongue scraper.


Burping (Potential Side Effects Of)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

A friend told me that burping too hard can rip a hole in your stomach, is this true?

Anna (12 years old), Long Island, New York

No. I wouldnt have any stomach left if that were the case. In fact, I once saw a bloke on telly who could talk and burp at the same time. I tried to do it myself once, but ended up puking into Sharons handbag. Lesson: some things are best left to the professionals.


Bedbugs



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My husband and I have developed such a paralyzing fear of bedbugs that weve become like prisoners in our own home. How can we get over our paranoia?

Tara, West Village, New York

Ive never had a problem with bedbugsprobably cos they take one sip of my blood and drop dead from all the toxic shit in there. But I understand your concern: no-one wants to wake up with a thousand little red bite marks on their ballsack. Just bear in mind that bedbugs arent the worst thing in the world. Im about to go to South America, for example, and Im told they have these kissing spiders: they crawl up your body and onto your face, squat over your lips, secrete an anaesthetic, suck out the blood, take a dump, then scamper away back to their holes. Meanwhile, the spider crap contains a kind of bacteria that literally eats your heart out. Im so freaked out about it, Im probably gonna spend the whole tour sleeping in a sealed Ziploc fucking bag.



C.


Cancer (Coping With)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

In the past five years, Ive had two hip operations, throat cancer, and now a serious heart problem. As a result of chemo and radiotherapy I can eat only liquid food through a syringe into my stomach, and sex is impossible because of the beta blockers I take for my ticker. Thankfully I can still drink beer, but otherwise Im rapidly losing my sense of humour, which isnt like me. How can I cheer myself up?

Charlie (65 years old), Devon

This is one of the reasons why medical marijuana aint necessarily such a bad idea. I mean, anyone who reads Ask Dr. Ozzy on a regular basis knows that I always tell people to steer clear of weed cos you never know how strong it is, or how youll react (never mind that its illegal)but over in Los Angeles, a lot of people with heavy-duty medical problems say that prescription pot helps them with everything from muscle pain to getting their appetites back. My advice is to talk to your doctor, keep drinking the beer, and try to find something else, anything, that gives you a break from the discomfort. It sounds like youve had some rotten luck, Charlie, and I wish you all the best.


Chewing Gum (Ingested)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I just swallowed a piece of chewing gum. Is it true this will take seven years to pass through my system?

Frank, Portsmouth

That cant be true, otherwise Id be half-human, half-spearmint by now.


Cruise Ships (Downsides Of)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My wife wants to go on an expensive cruise ship holidaybut Im afraid of getting food poisoning, falling overboard, or being seasick. Am I being too paranoid?

Tyler, Atlanta

No, you aint. I took the QE2 to America once with Sharon, cos she was pregnant and couldnt fly. I was so out of my fucking mind with boredom, it would have been a relief to fall overboard, quite frankly. In the end I begged the ships doc to give me something to knock me out. When I finally woke up in New York, Sharon was so angry, she tried to throw me through one of the portholes. Ive never been on a cruise ship again.


Crying (During Urination)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I cry when I urinate. Tears literally stream from my eyes, like Im peeling an onion. It is not painful nor anything, but Im worried I have a rare disease. Whats your expert advice?

Pierre, Barcelona

No offence, Pierre, but this is really fucking weird. Heres my prescription: 1) Keep a box of tissues in the can, and 2) Get a second opinion, ideally from someone whose name aint Ozzy Osbourne.



D.


Death (Stress Related To)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My fianc&#233; of two yearsa wealthy Arab manhas been told he has terminal cancer. After trying to ignore the subject, I asked about his will (Im no longer working because of the economic crisis). He told me that because he hates his family, hes giving everything to charity. When I asked about me, he said I would get nothing either. I told him I was hurt, but he said he was more hurt, because hes dying, and I asked him for money (I did feel like a jerk for asking, but I need a place to live). Whos in the right?

Margaret, London

It sounds to me like your fianc&#233; is angry about dyingits hard to blame himand hes lashing out. But you shouldnt feel like a jerk, either. I mean, if the blokes giving all his money away to his cocker spaniel (or whatever his favourite charity is), whos going to pay for his funeral? Is he happy to think hell be tossed into some government-run pit with a cardboard headstone? And if he cared about you enough to get engaged, why does he want you out on the street? Fair enough, he doesnt have to give you every last penny he earned during his lifetime, but sorting out your digs for a year or two, to make sure you can get back on your feet, aint too much to ask. I cant stress enough that people need to get these things down in writing early on, before a situation like this comes up. Its normal to want to put anything related to death on the back-burner, but everyone needs a will. It aint very nice talking about the Final Curtain, but its a lot worse to have the conversation when youre coping with a tragedy.


Dentistry (Basic Techniques)



Dear Dr. Ozzy,

Ive been getting a lot of severe headaches recently and have been told that they could be caused by teeth-grinding. Is it possible to grind your teeth without knowing it?

Jennifer, Northumberland

You and I have exactly the same problem. I started getting these really bad headaches a few weeks ago, and being a hypochondriac, I thought, Right, thats it, Ive got a brain tumour. I was one stage away from buying myself a casket when my GP told me that I needed to see a dentist, not an oncologist. So thats what I did, and now Ive got these little rubber things to put over my teeth at night, so I dont grind them in my sleepwhich, to answer your question, is supposedly very common. I dont wear them half the time, though, cos its a major ball-ache putting them in. Id rather take an aspirin.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

If I rinse my mouth out with descaling solution (like the stuff you use to clean out a coffee machine), will it get rid of my plaque? I ask because my dental hygienist charges a fortune to do the same thing, and Im trying to economize.

Peter, Lowestoft, Suffolk

If you think a scrape and polish is a rip-off, just wait and see how much they charge the idiot who comes in with no teeth left cos he gargled with sodium tripolyphosphate. Theyll still be sending you bills when youre six feet under. In fact, this reminds me of the time one of my good friends tried to cure a rash on his Honourable Gentleman with bleach, cos he didnt want to have to admit to his family GP that hed been unfaithful to his wife. Needless to say, his missus soon found out what was going on, cos he spent the next month in hospital, screaming in pain.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

You and your lovely wife have great teeth so white! What Id like to know is: would you recommend using shop-bought whitening agents? As a smoker who drinks too much coffee, Im badly in need of a non-celebrity solution.

Freda, Milton Keynes

I hate to break it to you, Freda, but my choppers aint real. All my teeth are screwed in: for cleaning, they just unscrew em and give em a good polishing. They aint falsiestheyre implants. I started out with caps, which means they file down your teeth to posts and cement fake crowns on top of them. But then the posts rotted away, so they gave me implants, which are attached to my jaws with titanium screws. If I had my real teeth, Id look like Herman Munsters ugly brother. I think growing up in Britain is partly to blameI mean, were not exactly renowned for our teeth, are we? Even Harley Street dentists arent that good. I went to a bloke who does the royals teeth once, and I came out of the place looking like a racehorse. But the biggest problem for me was being a drug addict: it kills all your calcium, which is what keeps your mouth healthy. Getting back to your question, though: I aint got a clue about whitening agents, but it cant do any harm to give them a go, can it? As for a non-celebrity solution, the good news is that you dont have to be famous to see a dentist in Beverly Hills

You just need a ton of dough.


Doctors (Issues Regarding)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Do you think people should be allowed to rate their doctors on the internet, like they can rate albumsor do you think the medical profession is too important to be subjected to the kind of abuse you got in 1970 for the first Black Sabbath LP?

Sally, Glasgow

Honestly? I dont know. I mean, my GP might give me a drug for something, and I might get better with no side-effects. Another person might get exactly the same treatment, and his head might swell up to ten times its normal size. So would it be fair if the guy with the massive head gave the doc a bad review? Probably not. Then again, if you were gonna have heart surgery, and the reviews told you that your surgeons last ten patients had croaked it on the operating table, youd want to know that. The way I see it, though, a doctor spends years and years and serious amounts of dough to become qualified to make life or death decisionsso it aint fair if one person with a bee up their arse can ruin his career with a review that takes three seconds to write.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Like you, Ive always been a bit of a hypochondriac. However, for the past 20-odd years (since my parents died, and my newborn son needed heart surgery) Ive had a phobia of anything to do with doctors, and I avoid them as long as the pain doesnt become unbearable. My head tells me that I should take your advice and benefit from modern medicine, but unfortunately the coward in me is stronger. Any advice?

Christine, Germany

If youre too afraid to go to the doctor cos it brings back painful memoriesor cos youre worried that youll get bad newstheres only one solution: dont go. Simple as that. Go to the pub instead. At the end of the day, Christine, only you can make the decision. The thing is, though, if youre afraid of getting bad news, isnt it better to get it earlier rather than later? The only reason my wife is still alive is because she got bad news early. That meant she was able to get to her cancer before it spread any further and killed her. And, speaking for myself, if I dont go to the doctor on a regular basis, Ill just drive myself nuts about every little twinge and ache. It sounds to me like youre already worrying yourself sick. So why not take a deep breath and make an appointment?


Dribble (Excessive)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Ive started to drool at night while asleep, meaning I wake up every morning to an unpleasantly damp pillow. Is this normal at my age (early 60s, like you), and is there a cure?

John, Essex

Believe me, there are much worse ways to wake up in the morning than with a soggy pillow. If youve reached your early sixties and thats the only thing youve got to complain about, I think youre doing pretty well, to be honest with you. As for a curetry blow-drying the inside of mouth dry before going to bed. Or put a raincoat over your pillow-case.



E.


Ears (Ringing In)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I have two boys in a metal band and theyve been practicing in my home for the past four years. Now I have ringing in my ears. Any advice?

Grace, Miami

A classic case of heavy metal-itus. I suffer from permanent tinnitus because of all the headbanging Ive done over the yearswhich means Ive now got this constant ringing in my ears, like a WEEEE!! noise, but louder. Its also made me somewhat deaf (or conveniently deaf, as Sharon calls it). The sad thing is that theres an easy way to prevent tinnitus, and its called buying a pair of earplugs. Do it now, before the damage gets worse.


Eyelids (Quivering)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

When Im very tired, my eyelids quiver. Its quite embarrassingis there a way of stopping it?

Lucy, New York

Youve gotta listen to your body, man. If you stayed up all night and ended up with a headache and an upset stomach, you wouldnt think twice about what to do: youd go to bed. But a lot of people who only get five or six hours of shut-eye every night cant believe it when they need half a gallon of espresso just to get out of bed the next morning. Clearly, in your case, your body is screaming at you that it wants more rest. Im exactly the same way: I might be the Prince of Darkness, but if I dont get my afternoon nap, Im useless for the rest of the day. Thats why Europeans invented the siesta.



F.


Farts (Storage Of)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

A new book claims that during the Great Plague of London in 1665, people were told to store their farts in a jar and sniff them if they felt unwell. Have you ever attempted to do this? How would one go about storing an outbreak of gas in an enclosed space?

Ellen, Beijing

It always blows my mind, the things people used to do to themselves before modern medicine. Could you imagine, sitting on the sofa with a cup of tea and the newspaper, going, Darling, pass the jam jar, Ive got a bit of a headache. Then again, if you didnt have aspirin, what were you supposed to do? And no, Ive never tried this myselfI might be crazy, but I aint that crazy. When an ill wind blows in my house, Im more worried about opening the windows before Sharon gets home than trying to save it for later.


Flies & Other Insects (Swallowed)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I recently swallowed a fly while horse riding. Now Im in a panic: will give me an awful disease?

Nicola, East Finchley, London

I know how you feel: I was riding a motorcycle once with the visor up, and a bumblebee went down my throat. Not that it felt like a bumblebee, mind youat the speed I was going, I thought Id swallowed a fucking pigeon. People think that eating a bat is bad, but, believe me, inhaling a bee at 70mph is worse. The next day my epiglottis swelled up to three times its normal size and I had to get an injection. Now, that wouldnt happen with a fly. But the big problem with a fly is, you know it hasnt being doing anything pleasant lately: it certainly aint been down the local spa, drinking honeysuckle tea. Flies eat turdburgers and bathe in their own throw-up. But dont freak out too much. Remember, cats eat flies all the time, and it never seems to do them any harm. So give it a few days, and if you feel okay, youve probably got the all-clear.



G.


Germs (Public Loos)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Whats the point in washing your hands in a public loo if you have to open the door on the way out using a handle thats been touched by hundreds or thousands of other people who didnt wash their hands? Ive tried getting around the problem by pulling my sleeve over my hand when I touch the door, but thats disgusting, too.

Chris, Newcastle

At lastIve found someone else who gets as freaked out about this as I do. I cant fucking stand it: there you are, scrubbing your hands at the sink, but then to get out of the bog you have to grab a handle that the guy in front of you who didnt bother to scrub up has already used. I mean, lets face it, the average door knob in a public toilet has seen more dick than a Turkish knocking shop. Like you, Ive also tried using my sleevebut all youre doing is putting the germs somewhere else. I get so wound-up about it, Ive been known to rip the entire roll of paper towel off the wall and use that. But the point is, you shouldnt have tothey should make the doors in public toilets swing OUT, so you can open them with your foot. It aint fucking rocket science. That way, you go in there, wash your hands, do your business, wash your hands again, then youre on your way, germ-free. If I were Prime Minister, this would be my first law.



Dear Dr. Ozzy,

Regarding unhygienic door handles: Ive come up with a design (patent pending) for a new kind of germ-free knobwhen squeezed, it releases a dab of antiseptic liquid into your palm. Might this solve the problem?[4 - See diagram here.Helpful Diagram: Hygienic Door Handle 2010 Tranquility Johnson (used with permission)]

Tranquility, Oxford

As long as I didnt end up with a hand like a snails arse for the rest of the day, then yes. (Maybe the antiseptic stuff could be a spirit, so it evaporates?)




DR. OZZYS SURGERY NOTICEBOARD


The Trouble with Dirty Knobs

&#9830;Judging by the number of e-mails I keep getting about germ-covered door handles, I obviously aint the only one who has a serious bee up my arse on this issue. James in Aberdeen says the solution is mind-numbingly obvious: automatic doors. They should be law. (I 1,000 per cent agree). Meanwhile, Mike in Glasgow says doors arent even necessary: You just need an L-shaped entrance, so passing perverts cant peek. Pete in Merseyside has more practical adviceAlways use your pinkie to open lav doors: youre unlikely to ever put your smallest finger in your mouth. (Unless your name happens to be Dr. Evil, Pete). Alternatively, Marion from Aberystwyth says the trick is to grab a few sheets of toilet roll to protect your hands when opening the door, then dispose of them when youre done. She also suggests: Disposable gloves should be provided in vending machines as you enter the bathroom. Special thanks go to Gill in Cornwall, who did a Miss Marple and counted every single bloke who entered and exited the public bog at Cartgate picnic area in Somerset, England, over the course of the weekend, then e-mailed me the results (it was a long e-mail). Judging by the length of time they took inside, none of them washed and dried their handsbecause using the apparatus to do that takes about five minutes! she concluded. This is the reason why people like me, who actually use the sink, get so pissed off: whats the point of washing and drying if youve then got to touch something thats got the germs of a thousand dicks on it? Finally, John from Bristol got in touch to argue (as Ive also done) that building regulations need to be re-written, making it law that public toilet doors are hung the other way around. That way, our feet can do all the dirty work. David Cameron, are you listening





Dear Dr. Ozzy:

What do you make of this craze for using hand-sanitizers obsessively throughout the day? I mention it because I had to shake someones hand at the beginning of a business meeting recently and they hadnt got rid of all the lotion, so I was left with a sticky palm. I found the whole thing quite offensive, to be honest with you.

Eamon, Limerick, Ireland

Funnily enough, a similar thing happened to me the other day with Joan Collins in the lift of my apartment building in Los Angeles. I went to shake her hand, and she said, Oh no, Ozzy, I cant get sick. Mind you, I can understand the worry: Im a singer, so if I get a cold on the road, shows can get cancelled and livelihoods are at stake. Thats why I use cleanser myself every so often when Im doing promo. Having said that, Ive never given anyone a slimer, and if anyone gave one to me, they wouldnt forget about it in a hurry. I mean, how did you even know it was lotion on the guys hand? For all you know he might have just knocked one out under his desk. Personally, I would have said to him, Whats the f***s this?then wiped it off on his tie.


Gilberts (Proper Disposal Of)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

When I clear my throat, is it ever okay to spit? I hate swallowing, even though I know its harmless.

Glenn, Birmingham

Depends. If youre a professional footballer, it would be rude not to. If on the other hand youre in the middle of a business lunch, and everyones drinking tea and eating little finger sandwiches, then no, it aint a very good idea to start coughing up a massive Gilbert.


Golf Balls (Death By)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My husband wants to buy a holiday home in a gated community on a golf course, but Im afraid of being killed by a stray ball. He says Im being paranoid. Am I?

Liz, Surrey

You aint being paranoid. When I lived in Palm Springs, Gerald Ford used to hit someone with a golf ball just about every other week. He might have hit me for all I know: I was drinking so much, I wouldnt have noticed anything smaller than a flying sledgehammer. It became a standing joke after a while: you werent a real local until you had a signed letter from the President, apologising for the shiner on your forehead. Not that golf balls are harmless, mind you: theyre as hard as rocks and travel at over 100mphso yeah, they can kill you if youre unlucky. But you have to be very unlucky.



H.


Hair (Self-Removal Of)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

For over a year Ive been literally tearing out my hair. It started at a time when I was under immense stress, but I havent stopped. Im aware that it can be described as a mental conditiontrichotillomaniabut I think of it more as an addiction. As someone whos defeated his own vices, your wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

Eric, York

No-ones ever fucking happy, are they? Half the time Im answering questions from blokes whod swap their right arm for a few more follicles, and then here you are, ripping them all out of your own free will. Seriously, though, you should really talk to someone about thisa shrink or at the very least your GPasap. I mean, yeah, you can call it a habit, or an addiction, or whatever, but the bottom line is that youre harming yourself, and thats heavy duty. In fact, I wouldnt be surprised if the rug-tugging was a symptom of some other issues youve got going on, and if you get some treatment now, youll probably save yourself a lot of trouble and heartache later on. One thing to maybe ask your doc about is a course of habit reversal training. From what I understand, it doesnt involve any actual medication, but it can be very effective.


Headbanging (Complications Of)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Your column has inspired me to go through my old Black Sabbath collection, but now I have severe bruising on my forehead and an intense ringing in my ears. Whats wrong with me?

Simon, Perth, Australia

Its called being a headbanger, Simon. When people first started doing it in the early 1970s, working class guys like me had never had a way of expressing themselves before, and they got carried away. One guy headbanged all night at a Mot&#246;rhead concert with his head literally inside a speaker cabinetit give him a fatal brain hemorrhage. The thing to realise is that headbanging is just like another exercise: the first time you do it, youre really sore the next day. Youve just got to start slowly and keep it up, gradually working yer way up to match fitness. So next time, before putting your Black Sabbath records on, try doing 20 headbangs every morning for a few weeks in advance.

That should help.



Dear Dr. Ozzy,

Im 19 years old and have rheumatoid arthritis and ankylosing spondylitis (the same back disease that Mick Mars from M&#246;tley Cr&#252;e has). I love headbanging, but can barely move when the adrenaline wears off. Any tips for muscle pain relief?

Karl, USA

I really hate to say this, but why dont you hold back on the headbanging for a bit? I mean, I know Mick, and I know how painful that condition can be. Youve got to accommodate what your body can do. People can enjoy music in all kinds of different ways. What amazes me is that I often get deaf people coming to my gigs: they cant hear the lyrics, but they can get into the rhythm. So my advice to you is to keep going to the shows, but get into the vibe in a way that doesnt involve the mosh pit. It aint worth the agony, man, and I certainly wouldnt recommend popping any heavy-duty pain pillsunless your doctor says you shouldas they can be horrendously addictive.


Head Cold (Flying With)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

The other day I flew to a conference with a head cold, thinking the change in pressure might clear out my ears. Instead it felt as though my brain was about to explode, and when we finally landedafter what seemed like yearsI was deaf on one side (still am). Help

Lisa, Reading


This aint much use to you now, Lisa, but you should never fly with a really bad head cold, cos you can burst your eardrums. So, in the future, do the opposite of what you did. Rent a car, take a boatswim, if you have to. But dont get on a plane. Ive heard that you also can buy these plug things that help regulate the pressure, but the trouble is, youve gotta trust yourself to be able to use them properly, and personally I have trouble getting my telly to work, never mind trying to put some microscopic shield in my ear. In the meantime, you need to get checked out by a doc, cos you might have done yourself some damage. Its too important to wait and see if it heals by itself.


Hernia (Lump Caused By)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I have a hiatus hernia which Ive been treating for a few years with Gaviscon tablets, without much improvement. What really bothers me, however, is the lumpa small, circular ball on my navel. Any ideas on how to get rid of this unsightly bulge?

Mike, Harrow

A friend of mine had the same thing, and unfortunately you cant just tap it a couple of times with a hammer to pop it back inyou need surgery. But this is something you have to get checked out by your doc, cos it might be more (or less) complicated than you think.



I.


Insect Bites



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

On Tuesday I was cutting bushes in my yard when I accidentally made contact with a bees nest and was attacked. I only got stung once before I dove into my pool. Two days later, my leg is twice the size it once was. Whats wrong with me?

Chris, Danvers, Massachusetts

I once had a keyboard player who had to call for an ambulance if he got stung by a bee. The fact is, some people are a lot more allergic to stings than others, and it sounds like youre having a very nasty reaction. Get it seen to immediately. Hop to the ER if necessary.



J.


Jimmy Legs (A.K.A. Restless Legs)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I suffer from Jimmy legs, also known as restless leg syndrome. My legs shake and move about in the night, and its driving my wife mad. Any ideas how I can put a stop to this?

Mick, West Midlands

I have exactly the same problemand so does my wife, Sharon. Were like pair of pneumatic drills, jiggling and wobbling away under the sheets, making the floorboards rattle. My leg has a mind of its own. It goes all over the place. Even when Im sitting down on the sofa, its bouncing around like Im in the back of a rickshaw on a bumpy road. Its one of the reasons why I cant stay still for more than a few minutes. In terms of treatment, you can get medication for Jimmy legs, but its a form of benzodiazepinethe same thing as Valiumand I spent decades trying to get off that shit, and I dont want to go back to it. Maybe its something you could try, if you dont have a history with that drug. Personally, Ive decided to live with the condition. I mean, its not like its painful. Its just irritatingand it wears out the bed springs pretty quick.




DR. OZZYS SURGERY NOTICEBOARD


The Battle of Bouncing Knee

&#9830;I always crap myself when a real doctor writes to me, cos I think Im about to get a bollocking. Most of the time, though, they just have a helpful suggestion. For example, Dr. Geoff, a retired GP from St. Ives, sent me an e-mail to say that small doses of anti-parkinsonian drugs such as Pramipexole [Mirapexin] can help cure your restless legs (you should ALWAYS talk to your own GP before trying ANY kind of treatment). Meanwhile, other readers said that mineral salts, magnesium, Crampex tablets, and putting a tablet of toilet soap under the bed sheets can do some good. They also say you should avoid peppermint, mouthwash, and raspberries. How anyone could prove that is beyond me.




Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Thanks to a suggestion by one of your readers the other week, Ive been prescribed an anti-parkinsonian drug for my restless leg syndromebut when I looked online, I found that the side-effects might include intense urges to gamble and increased sexual urges (hypersexuality). Should I throw the pills in the bin?

David, Buckinghamshire

 and youre worried about this? The label might as well say, side-effects including having a good time. In all seriousness, thoughtheres no point in curing your restless legs only to blow your life savings in Las Vegas on blackjack and hookers. Talk to your GP.



K.


Kings Speech Technique (Stuttering)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

As a self-confessed stutterer, have you ever gone through any of the treatments shown in the film The Kings Speech, like putting marbles in your mouth, or reciting Shakespeare while wearing headphones? Do you think a stutter can be cured?

Kim, Santa Barbara, California

I dont know if a stutter can be cured, but I can tell you how to get onedrink and do drugs for 40 years. Believe me, getting to end of a single sentence is a major achievement when youre on your second bottle of cognac and third speedball before breakfast. To answer the first part of your question, though: no, Ive never had speech lessonsalthough I did once get hypnotised by Paul McKenna when I was trying to change my lifestyle. The trouble was, I was blasted at the time, so its hard to say if I was hypnotised, or if I just passed out, which was a daily occurrence in those days. As for my stutter, its been a lot better since I sobered up, and Ive realised that its usually brought on by anxiety. When Im nervous about something, my mind spins faster than my mouth can catch up, so I end up sounding like a World War II machine gun. By taking a deep breath and slowing down a bit, I can usually keep it under control.



L.


Lead (Poisoning)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Im currently renovating my familys Georgian townhouse and have just come across a government leaflet about lead paint. Now Im terrified that every little thing I do will create poisonous dust that will brain-damage my toddler and pregnant wife. Please help.

Ryan, Edinburgh

A lot of people might not take this kind of thing very seriously, but I had a cousin who was an industrial painter, and he got asbestosis. So if I were you, Id be wearing a rubber suit and a gas mask in the house. I mean, yeah, people my age grew up eating more lead paint chips than they did French fries, but that doesnt make it any less dangerous. Kids also used to ride in cars without seatbelts while their parents smoked themselves blue in the face with the windows closed: it doesnt mean we should do it now. Call your local council, ask them what the right procedure is, and follow it. Meanwhile, if youve already started to sand the woodwork, send your wife and toddler to the in-laws until the jobs all done and youve been given the all-clear by a qualified inspector.




DR. OZZYS SURGERY NOTICEBOARD


Heavy Metal Madness

&#9830;Tristan Olivier from the Lead Paint Safety Association tells me that local councils might not be much help when it comes to advice on handling toxic dust in old houses (see Ryan from Edinburgh, above). Given the extent to which childhood lead exposure is linked to reduced IQ, learning and behaviour problems, this is probably the biggest, least known and worst addressed public health issue in the UK, he says. For more info, visit the LPSAs website, at www.lipsa.org.uk: http://www.lipsa.org.uk/.



Legs (Sleepy)



Dear Dr. Ozzy,

My leg keeps falling asleep without any warning. Does this mean I have poor circulation?

Lauren, Sheffield

One time, I got drunk, badly drunkon cognacand went to sleep in the wrong position, and when I woke up my leg felt like it wasnt even there any more. It was just this useless lump attached to my thigh. At first I didnt think it was a problem but it went on for three months. I went to my doc, and he told meseriouslythat he might have to chop it off. I said to him, Im a rock n roll star! I cant hobble around the stage with a wooden leg, singing Iron Man! Eventually, another doctor took a look at and said that it was more likely caused by my alcoholism. So if youre a heavy drinker, Id recommend cutting down, or giving up entirely. Otherwise, make sure you dont sit in the same position for a long time. And if you go and see a doctor, remember: if he ever starts using phrases like electric saw and operating table, there aint nothing stopping you from getting a second opinion. Im certainly fucking glad I did.



M.


Mourning



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My wife died in January. Ive been having counselling for the last six months but its very lonely with just me and my two Bedlington terriers. I feel as though I have so much free time and need to fill it. Can you offer any advice on coping with grief?

David, London

The thing I realised when I lost someone who was very close to memy ex-guitarist Randy Rhoadsis that no-one can ever really prepare you for coping with sudden death. Youre pretty much on your own. What youve got to come to terms with is that grief is simply a natural process, and that everyone goes through it at some point in their life. The best thing you can do is join a counselling group, or at least find someone you can talk to about itwhich it sounds like youre already doing. Having said that, of course, I didnt take any of that advice when Randy died. I locked the grief away, so it manifested itself in other ways, like drugs and alcohol. The trouble was, when I was kid, anyone who went to therapy was one step away from the funny farm. I know better now. I suppose another thing youve gotta accept is that you never fully get over the death of someone whos been that close to you. I mean, even today, when Im on stage playing any of the songs from my two albums with Randy, its as though hes right there at my side. But its a good feeling now, not a bad one.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I keep suffering terrible anxiety attacks. It started when my unclewho was like a dad to medied in his sleep from a random cardiac arrest (I never met my real dad until I was 13). Ive been to psychologists, but all they tell me is that if I realise Im not going to die, the panic will go away. Thats bullshit, because I know I wont die but I still feel like Im about to blow up inside. Please help

Don (17 years old), Texas, USA

Sounds to me like grief, Don. People dont take grief seriously enough, because the loss of someone, or even something, can be very hard to get over. It sounds crazy, but when I was in rehab, I had to attend grief groups for the loss of drugs and alcohol in my life. I thought it was stupid at firstespecially when I met a guy in there who was sobbing about his recently departed catbut I soon discovered that grief can mess you up, badly. I wouldnt be surprised if thats whats causing your panic attacks. Your body is overloaded with emotion. So my recommendation would be that you get on the internet and find your own local grief group. Its a lot healthier than going to your GP for a bottle of Valium: thatll just fix one problem and start five others.



N.


Napping (Guidelines Regarding)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Whats the ideal length for an afternoon nap? My friends swear by them, but every time I doze off during the day I wake up in a terrible mood with a splitting headache.

Ross, Aberdeen

I never used to understand naps. When I was a kid, Id see my old man dozing off in his favourite chair and think, You went to bed last night, why dyou need to sleep now? But as I got older myself, I began to understand. For me, the point of a nap isnt about sleep, its just about getting some quiet time, so you can recharge. Its a break from all the craziness of modern life. So if you find yourself waking up from a nap feeling like a dogs arsehole, my advice would be, try just giving yourself twenty or thirty chilled-out minutes by yourself instead. Read, do some stretching exercises, or go out for a walk.


Nightmares (Prevention Of)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

What can I do before I go to bed to prevent bad dreams?

William, Alnwick

Funnily enough, one of the few things Ive never had a problem with is nightmares. Every so often Ill have a really confusing dreambut never one where a zombie Ryan Seacrest is shooting blood from his eyeballs and trying to cut out my liver with rusty steak knife. Mind you, I didnt dream at all for about 40 years, because Id never go to bedthe only rest I got was when I blacked out once every three or four days. One time, when I was on tour in America with M&#246;tley Cr&#252;e, I blacked out in the central reservation of a twelve-lane freeway (Id been trying to find somewhere to take a piss). In fact, waking up was always the biggest nightmare for me. Not that Id recommend my former lifestyle as a way to avoid bad dreams. Instead, try thinking about something that makes you feel really good before you shut your eyes. Or have a nice cup of teabut nothing too stimulating (ie, black coffee). And whatever you do, avoid sleeping pills at all costs, or you might end up with a worse problem than the one you started with.


Nightsweats



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Almost every night I wake up in the early hours drenched in sweat. Its disgustingthe sheets are soaked through. Ive tried to turn up the air conditioning, but to no effect. Whats causing this, and how do I stop it from happening?

Olivia, New York

Could be nylon sheets. Those things make me sweat like Im on Death Row. I cant have em near me. Same with feathers, which mess my chest up, and sleeping bags, which are one step removed from being buried alive. If it aint your sheets, it could be what youre wearing, or it could be an allergyor the side-effect of some medication youre taking. If I were you, Id try something different every night, and try and solve it that way.




DR. OZZYS SURGERY NOTICEBOARD


Wet Dreams

&#9830;Its amazing how many people wake up in the morning feeling sweatier than one of Jabba the Huts armpit. One reader, Lisa, wrote to me: I suffered night sweats for 15 years before a gynaecologist did a blood test and diagnosed that I had next to no oestrogen. Although I wasnt menopausal or pre-menopausal, I was having the same kind of symptoms. Now I take a daily supplement and my life has changed utterly. Meanwhile, Gabrielle in London reckoned shed solved the problem with a silk-filled duvet, while a GP from Scotlandhe didnt want to give his name, funnily enoughsaid a bad case of the sweats might be a symptom of something called polymyalgia rheumatica. Im told that means pain in many muscles in Greek. Sounds like one of my mid-1980s hangovers.



Nipples (Unusual)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Like Francisco Scaramanga in The Man with the Golden Gun, I have a third nipple. Should I be worried?

Gary, Dorset

Only if it starts talking to you.



O.


Obscene Language (Excessive Use Of)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Ive become addicted to swearing. It started two years ago, and basically I swear in nearly every sentence now, even in front of my parents at school. Ive tried to stop but cant. I think I must have Tourettes syndrome. What should I do?

Ben, Cheshire

Swearwords are weird, arent they? I mean, the American word schmuckwhich pretty much no-one finds offensiveapparently comes from the Yiddish word shmok, which is a very rude term for a blokes Upstanding Citizen. Its as bad as calling someone the C-word. Then theres the English word bollockswhich I lovewhich used to be slang for a Vicar, or so Ive been told (although in the old days a more common way of spelling it was Ballocks). People just decide which words they want to get upset about, basically. So my advice to you, Ben, is to carry on swearing as much as you like: just do it in a foreign language. That way you wont get into any trouble.



P.


Pain (Management Of)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

A few weeks ago, while in a New York hotel room, I accidently stepped on the door stop. The pain was intense. Now, three weeks later, it hurts when I walk. I think I might have broken something in my foot. Whats your expert medical opinion?

Mark, Rancho Santa Fe, California

Theres an easy to fix to this one, Mark: try playing football. Youll know if its broken after that.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I have just had a gallbladder operation and, frankly, I feel bloody awful. Given the many medical disasters youve recovered from during your lifetime, what are your rehabilitation tips?

Hec, Glasgow

Two words: baby steps. Youve just had someone rip open your stomach with a knife, so you cant expect to be starring in Riverdance any time soon. Having said that, I wasnt exactly very patient after I fell off my quad bike and ended up in a coma for eight days. As soon as I woke up, I tried to check myself out. Hospitals arent very nice places to be, in my opinionif only for the fact that theres fuck all to do in there. But Ive now learned that youve gotta go easy on yourself as much as you can. Trust me: if youre too impatient, youre only gonna end slowing down your recovery in the long term.


Parents (Living With)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Okay, Im just going to come out and say it: Im 40 years old, between jobs, and single. How bad is it if I move back in with my parents, who have plenty of room at home? Im not relishing the thought, but it would save money while I get my life together.

Robert, Pontefract, West Yorks

It sounds like youre trying to live your life by other peoples rules. If you like your parents, and they dont mind you in their house, then move in. If you were Italian, you wouldnt even think twice about itmost guys over there live with their mothers until they get hitched, no matter how long it takes. I realise people might not be so cool with that kind of thing in West Yorkshire, but its a lot fucking better than being so broke you cant afford to eat, never mind pay for dates. Just do what youve gotta do, man.


Phobias (Pigeons, Etc.)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Every time I get on a plane, I convince myself that Im going to die. Its reached the point where Im starting to make excuses at work to avoid travelling overseas. Please help!

Liz, Buckinghamshire

Flying can be deadly. For example, I was on a plane once to America and the bloke next to me started to make funny noises while eating his nuts. Next thing I knew, I was sitting next to a corpse. The worst thing was having to press the little buzzer to call for a flight attendant, and then explain why a bloke whod been alive a few minutes earlier was suddenly face down on his tray table. For a moment, I thought theyd send out Columbo to meet me when I landed at JFK. In the end they put a blanket over him and moved me to a seat in first class with champagne. I only mention this story because Im told that having someone drop dead next to you is probably more likely than your plane falling out of the sky. In fact, they say youre more likely to die in a car crash on the way to the airport than you are to die in a plane crash. But not many people lie awake at night, worrying about the drive to Heathrow. Try reminding yourself of that next time you have to fly somewhere. It might calm you down.



Dear Dr. Ozzy,

My friend has a rare phobia: shes terrified of pigeons. Is there a cure?

Anna, Finland

I aint got a clue, but if your friend lives in Finland, how many pigeons does she come across on a daily basis? I mean, if she lived in the middle of Trafalgar Square, it might be a problem. Its not like the Finns eat pigeons, either: all they have over there is reindeer burgers, reindeer ice cream, and reindeer stew. Tell her to picture a sparrow and relax.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Im terrified of butterflies. Is this is a common phobia? And what should I do now that the summer is approaching, and my room will soon become infested with the horrible things?

Lola, Irish Republic

I had no idea it was possible to get so upset about butterflies. I mean, what else are you scared of? Rainbows, puppies, and sunny days? Personally, the only creatures I really cant stand are rats. If I see one, I freak, big time. But what can you do? You cant walk around all day in HAZMAT suit with a bag over your head on the off-chance you might come across one. Having said that, its pretty easy to stay out of the way of rats, but it might be a bit harder with butterflies. If its causing you a lot of anxiety, talk to your GP. Maybe hell be able to sign you up for some kind of desensitization therapy.



Q.


Quinquauds Decalvans Folliculitis[5 - Im fucked if I know what this is, apart from the fact it begins with the letter Q.]



R.


Rabies (Suspected)



Dear Dear Ozzy:

How can I tell if Ive got rabies? The reason I ask is because I was bitten by a stray dog while on holiday in Turkey, and now Im worried it might have given me a terrible disease.

Denise, Portsmouth

I thought Id caught rabies after eating that bat in Des Moines, Iowa. The injections they gave me were horrendous: one in each arm, one in each arse cheek, one in each thigh. Then youve got to rub the stuff like crazy to make sure it spreads over the muscle. Its like an oil, very denseyou can feel it trickling around inside you. Its the safest thing to do, and Im sure the treatments have improved since 1982, but it aint very nice. Personally, I gave up halfway through. I said to Sharon, If I start barking, we can start up again.




DR. OZZYS SURGERY NOTICEBOARD


Going Batty

&#9830;According to Bernard in London, anyone who gets bitten by a stray animal in a faraway country like Turkey should immediately go and see a doctornot wait until they start howling at the mooncos it could be a life and death matter. Even though I didnt finish my own rabies treatment in 1982 after eating a bats head on stage, Bernard says the injections I had in hospital later that night might very well have saved my life.




S.


Sleeping Pills



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I cant stop taking sleeping pillsthis has been going on for about five years now. Im out of work, and at a loss what to do. Help.

Yoshizawa, Japan

Im convinced that once you start relying on sleeping pills, it damages your sleeping pattern forever. A lot of sleeping pills are made from benzodiazepine, which is the same family as Valiumvery addictive stuff. When I finally got off it after 25 years, it was the worst withdrawal I ever had from anything. The way I stopped was by switching my sleeping medication to an anti-depressant called trazodone, and I recommend that you talk to your doctor over there in Japan about doing something similar. The secret is to go very slowly: theres no hurry. I also tried using a non-benzodiazepine sleeping pill, Ambienor zolpidembut it was the worst. My short-term memory got so bad I didnt even know what time of day it was (see here). Mind you, I wasnt just taking the regular dosage. I built up such a tolerance, I was popping the fucking things like M&Ms.


Sleepwalking



Dear Dr. Ozzy,

I keep waking up in my next-door neighbours front garden. I live alone, so either someone is coming into my house in the middle of the night and carrying me there, or Im sleep-walking. Have you ever heard of this? What can I do about it?

Jane, Bradford

Im always pottering about in the middle of the night, fast asleep. I was in a B&B one time, and I sleep-walked into the wrong room, got into bed, and carried on with my whatever dream I was having. Then this big hairy bloke climbs between the sheets with me. I wake up and go, What are you doing here? He takes one look at me, screams, claps his hands over his wedding tackle, and goes, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE? Sadly, there aint no cure for sleep-walking, as far as I know. But its not always a bad thing. A few years ago, for example, I was sleep-walking around my house in Buckinghamshire, when I walked smack into a burglar. If that doesnt wake you up, nothing will. I almost caught the guy, too. I put him in a headlock for about five minutes, but didnt have any handcuffs or anything, so in the end I thought, fuck it, and threw him out of the window and he hobbled off across the field with about $3 million worth of Sharons jewelery in a plastic bag. Still, looking on the bright side, if I hadnt been sleep-walking, I would never have met a real-life diamond thief.


Snoring



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Is a marriage automatically dead if the two parties start using separate bedrooms? I ask because my wife has developed a snore loud enough to wake the mummies in Egypt, and I cant sleep next to her without large and unwise doses of medication.

Viv, Hull

No, relax, your marriage aint over. I know quite a few people with very healthy relationships who sleep in different rooms, cos they dont want to listen to a human chainsaw next to them when theyre trying to get some shut-eye. I mean, if youre the first one to drop off, it aint a problemand its easy to get offended when your other half starts complainingbut for the poor sod whos still awake, its excruciating. Having said all that, you might want to look into some anti-snoring gizmos before taking the separate-bedroom option. If you get on the internet you can find all kinds of things, from mouthpieces to clothes pegs and special pillows. Why not give one of em a try?



T.


Transvestism



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

For years Ive fantasised about what it would be like to be a womanto the extent where Ive started to shop for girls clothing and wear my wifes underwear when shes away on business. How can I explain this to her, or is that a terrible idea?

David, Watford

Okay, so youve got two choices, David: pluck up the courage to tell her now, or get caught later. Its really that simple. As much as you think you can hide this forever, its obviously such a big part of who you are, I guarantee that one day youll have a couple of drinks, put a frock on, and the missus will come home early and hit the roof. Thats gonna be a much harder conversation than if you bring it up gently at your own pace. Andwho knows?your wife might not even care. I mean, here in Los Angeles, theres a whole society for cross-dressers. Theyre all builders and postmen and delivery boys or whatever. They get dressed up in their fishnets, go out clubbing, come home, then go back to work the next day in their overalls like nothing happened.


Tubs (Hot Ones)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My husband has bought a hot tub and put it in our back garden, but I refuse to get in it, because Ive heard horror stories about the water becoming a breeding-ground for germs. He says Im worrying too much, and spends half of the weekend in there. Whats your opinion?

Betty, Portsmouth

Youre both right. Theres nothing better than being outdoors in a hot tub on a crisp October evening, drinking a nice glass of something cold. At the same time, if you dont maintain a hot tub properly, it can turn into a swamp, with algae and frogs and fuck-knows-what-else floating around in there. I mean, even though its shiny and blue, with pressure jets and mood lighting, a hot tub is still basically just a big boiling cauldron of chemicals. The worst is when you have a party and a bunch of hairy blokes climb in there, all burping and farting and blowing their noses. That grosses me out, that does. Another thing with hot tubs: youve gotta watch the heat. I used to get blasted on cocaine, feel my heart begin to pound, then try to calm down by jumping into 900-degree water. One time, I swear my head almost exploded. But if your husband cleans his new toy regularlytell him to sign up for a weekly maintenance servicetheres no reason not to take a dip. You never know, it might improve your love life.



U.


Urination (Nervous Pisser Syndrome)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

If Im standing next to another man at a public urinal, I cant pee. Even if Im desperate to gonot a drop. I once queued up for 20 minutes at a rock concert to use the loo, and then had to walk away, because I was wedged between two big blokes. Ive never known any of my friends to have the same problem. Whats wrong with me?

Terry, Essex

Let me ask you a question, Terry: when this happens, are you absolutely sure you need to pee? I mean, when I need to relieve myself, there aint no choice about it. I dont care if the Coldstream Guards are standing next to me, whatevers inside is coming out. So my advice is to wait until youre more desperate to go. Or see a shrink: it might be anxiety.




DR. OZZYS SURGERY NOTICEBOARD


Performance Anxiety

&#9830;Important news from Ray in Suffolk: According to a study of public urinal usage in America, flow start was delayed by an average of 20 seconds when two blokes were standing right next to each otheras opposed to a solo effort. So poor old Terry in Essex obviously aint suffering alone.




V.


Vaginas (Fishy)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Ive been told that the best way to prevent unpleasant odour in your private areas is to avoid using soap, only water. This sounds a bit counterintuitive to me. Could it be true?

Tyler (no address given)


It would help to know if you were a guy or a girl. Assuming you own a pair of testicles, whoever gave you this advice obviously wasnt planning on sitting next to you in a hot car any time soon. In general, avoiding soap is never gonna prevent unpleasant odours. The only thing its gonna prevent is you making any friendsunless youre using a power hose (which I obviously dont recommend). If youre a member of the more complicated sex, on the other hand, my wife tells me that you do actually need to be very careful when it comes to soap and your sensitive areas, especially if you like lathering yourself up with the heavily scented grandma-type stuff. Bear in mind, though: the Prince of Darkness aint exactly a world-authority on female anatomy. If youre really concerned about it, get yourself an appointment with a gynaecologist.


Vertigo



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I suffer from vertigo. What can I do to cure it?

Nilay, Istanbul, Turkey

I thought I had vertigo for 40 years. I went to the doctor and he said, Mr. Osbourne, the problemas far as I can tellis that youre drunk. Very drunk. So my prescription for you is to go to bed for 24 hours, drink nothingapart from waterthen get up and walk around in circles for a bit. If youre still feeling dizzy, you might have a problem.



W.


Wax (Big Lumps Of)



Dear Dr. Ozzy,

I used a cotton wool bud to clean out my ears the other day and dislodged some waxnow Im half-deaf. Is there an easy way to get rid of the wax without going to the doctors?

Lucy, Carlisle

Short answer: no. Dont mess with your ears, man. Go to a real doctor. I remember getting a smack around the head once from Sharon, and her hand clipped the wrong spot and burst my eardrum. I had to get a plug in my ear for ages while it healed. It was like walking around with a cardboard box on my head. Sharon felt terrible. Not as bad as I felt, though. So dont mess around with your ears: theyre too important, and too easy to break.


Weird S***



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

If I open my mouth in a certain way, I can fire saliva like its a water pistol. What should I do?

Christopher, Bristol

Try not opening your mouth. That should fix it.



X.


X-Rays (Dangers Of)



Dear Dr. Ozzy,

Thanks to airport scanners, the new 3-D imaging equipment in my dentists office, and cosmic radiation from long-haul flights, Im worried that Im turning into a one-man Chernobyl. Should I try to cut down on all this radiation exposure?

Brad, Somerset

Youre talking to someone whos been flying on a weekly basis since the late 1960s. I probably give off more cosmic radiation than Halleys fucking Cometand thats before adding in all the airport scans Ive had, or the thousands of visits to my dentist. Having said that, by far the longest exposure I ever had to an X-ray was for the cover of one my albums, Down to Earth. The bloke in charge of the artwork had to shout directions to me through a four-foot brick wall, cos he was so scared of getting cancer. At that point in my life, though, getting zapped with death-rays was probably the safest thing Id done all year. These days, radiation is just a fact of life, so theres no point in letting it drive you nuts. I mean, yeah, its a pain in the arse going through airport security, but your chances of getting sick have gotta be close to zero. And whats the alternative? Getting blasted out of the sky at 37,000 feet? Ill take the X-ray, thanks.



Y.


Yawning (Side-Effects)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Whenever I yawn, my eyes waterto the point where it looks like Im about to cry. How can I stop this?

Lex, Surrey

Easy: stop doing things that make you yawn. Have you tried skydiving?



Z.


Zoning Out (Driving)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

When driving long distances, whats the best way to stay awake at the wheel? Ive tried keeping the window open, but I still find my eyes glassing over and having to take a break.

Raj, Birmingham

I knew some roadies in the 1970s who could drive from Lands End to John OGroats and back ten times thanks to the rocket powder they were putting up their noses on a daily basis. But the truth is, driving when youre high is as stupid as driving when youre exhausted. Either way, you could end up killing yourselfor worse, someone else. If you want to cover a lot of miles without stopping, get a co-driver. Or better yet, take the train.



Dr. Ozzys Trivia Quiz: Doctor! Doctor!: #qa06


Find the answersand tote up your scorehere: #q1

1. Which drug was the Harold Dr. Death Shipman addicted to?

a) Pethidine (known as Demerol in the U.S.)

b) Codeine

c) Vicodin (hydrocodone/paracetamol)


2. A woman in England recently sued her doctor for giving her what?

a) Two leg-buckling orgasms within 90 seconds of each other

b) Oral herpes

c) A slap in the face to wake her up


3. A dentist in North Carolina, USA, was accused of using a syringe to inject this into his patients mouths:

a) LSD

b) His own semen

c) A home-made numbing gel made from dogs liver


4. To advertise a new technique hed invented, a British GP performed what surgery on himself?

a) Tendon repair

b) Kneecap replacement

c) Vasectomy


5. A survey of GPs in America found that 73 per cent of them had

a) Been turned on by a patient

b) Made sure that a rude patient spent longer in the waiting room

c) Done things to patients that werent necessary, just to look better in court if they were sued



Genetics Explained Sort Of

7





Before Reading, Apply Ice-Pack to Brain

When I got a call one morning from an editor at The Sunday Times in London telling me that some scientists wanted to sequence my genome, I didnt know what to say. Not cos I was surprisednothing could surprise me any more when it comes to the crazy shit that happens in my lifeI just didnt understand what the fuck he was talking about. The only genome Id ever heard of was the kind you find down the bottom of the garden with a white beard and a pointy red hat.

You what? I said. A gnome?

No, a gee-nome, laughed the guy on the phone. Basically all your genes and the bits in between, mapped out on a computer. The company that arranges itand hires the scientists to analyse the resultsis called Knome, Inc. It was founded by a top Harvard professor.

To be honest with you, I didnt like the sound of it. Im a rock star, not Brain of Britain. And even if they did the test, how would I know what it said? The only Gene I know anything about is the one in Kiss. Still, its not every day someone wants to unravel your DNAso I asked if anyone else had done the same thing. Only about 200 people, because the technology is so expensive, said the editor (my assistant Tony was taking notes). The first human genome they ever sequenced was in 1990, but they didnt get the final results until more than a decade later in 2003. It cost $3 billion.

Well that rules it out then, I said. I aint got $3 billion.

Prices have come down, he replied. Besides, in your case, Knome say they can raise the cash from other people. Theyll provide you with your entire genome on a USB drive the size of a Zippo lighter. Then theyll go through the results with you in person, line by line.

I still didnt get it. Why spend the money on me when they could do someone like Stephen Hawking? Look, said the editor, youve said it yourself: youre a medical miracle. You went on a drink and drugs bender for 40 years. You broke your neck on a quad bike. You died twice in a chemically induced coma. You walked away from your tour bus without a scratch after it was hit by a plane. Your immune system was so compromised by your lifestyle, you got a positive HIV test for 24 hours, until they proved it was wrong. And yet here you are, alive and well and living in Buckinghamshire.

So the test can really tell me why Im still here? I asked.

It wont tell you everythingscientists still have a lot more work to do before they understand how genes work. But it might help make sense of a lot of things. It will also be able to tell if anything in your genes is linked to, say, Alzheimers disease. But youre in your sixties, so anything really scary in your DNA would have probably killed you a long time ago, along with that line of ants you once snorted with M&#246;tley Cr&#252;e.

What if they find a kind of new gene? Will I get a disease named after me?

Possibly.

That was enough for me. Okay then, I said. Ill do it.


A few weeks later, a medic came to my house in Chalfont St. Peter to take my blood. I was having a day off from my world tour at the timeand to be honest with you, I was so knackered, I began to wonder what the fuck I was doing. I mean, its not a great feeling, being a human petri-dish. Then again, I was curious. Given the swimming pools of booze Ive guzzled over the yearsnot to mention all the cocaine, morphine, sleeping pills, cough syrup, LSD, Rohypnol you name ittheres really no plausible medical reason why I should still be alive. Maybe my DNA could say why.

As soon as the guy in the white coat was done taking his sample, he put the test tube in an envelope and told me he was going to send it off to a lab in New Jersey. First theyll extract the DNA, then theyll process it at a place called Cofactor Genomics in St. Louis, Missouri, he said (again, Tony was scribbling away, cos I knew Id never remember any of this later).

At Cofactor, the medic went on, they use a machine that costs almost half a million quid to read your DNA and sequence your genes, then theyll download the whole thing onto a hard drive and post it back to Knome. After that, researchers will go through it all with a fine-tooth comb, to see what your genes have to say about you. Start to finish, the whole thing should take about 13 weeks. Not bad, when the first one took 13 years.

Next year itll probably take 13 fucking minutes, I said. The guy just smiled nervously. Then he cleared off. The next day I went back to my tour and put it all out of my mind.

It was three months later when I finally got a call saying they were gonna send over another blokeDr. Nathanto deliver my results. Sharon couldnt be with me for the presentation, cos of some badly timed meetings in Los Angeles, so she called him up beforehand to make sure he wasnt going to tell me that my head might explode in 2013, or some other horrendous news. Strangely enough, though, I wasnt nervous. Probably cos I wasnt expecting to understand a word of what the guy had to say.

Ive since learned that Dr. Nathanwho looks way too young to have so many letters after his nameis an expert in primate DNA. And I have to say, I felt pretty primitive when I was listening to him: it was like hed swallowed Google for breakfast, then had a couple of encyclopaedias for lunch. The first thing he did was give me a silver box with Latin written on the lid (It means Know Thyself,  he told me, its from the Temple of Apollo). When I opened it up, there was one of those little USB drive things inside. The doc took it out, popped it into his laptop, and the screen filled up with about ten billion numbers and letters line after line after line after line of em. It would have taken me ten years to read one page. Well, there it is, said Dr. Nathan, proudly. Your genome.

Okay, I said. But what the fuck does it mean?

Well, it shows you pretty much all of the 20,000 to 25,000 genes in your body, he explained. Better than that, it tells you what order theyre put together, then it cross-checks that with other peoples genomes. Now, most peoples genomes are very similar, because were all from the same species, right? But there are all kinds of tiny differences that let you see what kind of traits you have, or what diseases you might get.

The craziest thing Dr. Nathan told me is that we all have the Huntingtons geneits if youre missing any genes that youre in big troublebut only people with certain types will ever come down with the disease. Another thing that blew me away is how much they already know about the genes involved in things like Huntingtons: they know so much, in fact, even if you dont have the disease, your DNA can tell you straight up whether or not youre likely to pass it on to your kids. Thats pretty heavy-duty stuff, and I can see why a lot of people might not want to know. Personally, Im not that bothered. Ive already had all my kids, so its too late to worry now. And even if my DNA told me that I was a goner, I could still get run over by a truck tomorrowor poisoned by a radioactive duck turdlong before whatever it was they found in my genome had a chance to kill me. And we all have to die of something. At least if you know whats coming, you might get a chance to put it off for a while.


The one thing Dr. Nathan told me to remember about all this genome stuff is that its still only in its very early days. Until everyone on the planet has had the test doneand the results are fed into some megacomputer, along with everyones medical filesitll be more for scientists and rich nerds than anything else. As the doc put it: Looking at someones genome today is a bit like trying watch colour TV on a black-and-white set.

Even on a black-and-white set, though, you can still see a pictureand Dr. Nathan had some pretty far-out things to tell me. The first big piece of news is that I have a famous cousin I never knew about: Stephen Colbert, the American funny guy. You both have mitochondrial DNA passed down from your mothers in Haplogroup-T, he said.

Haplo what?

Put it this way: Less than 3 per cent of people from European descent are in this group, he said. Colbert hasnt had his full genome sequenced but he did have that part of his DNA testedfor a second time, actuallyjust a few months ago, which is how we know. In the grand scheme of things, youre close cousins. Your mothers lines go back to a pair of sisters a few thousand years ago. Our best guess is that they were living in the area of the Black Sea at the time. Most randomly chosen people would have to go back about 90,000 years to find a common ancestor.

Theres only one problem with this life-changing revelation, as far as Im concerned: if the doc hadnt told me, I wouldnt know who the fuck Stephen Colbert isIve never watched his TV show. From now on, though, Im going to be his most loyal viewer. I mean, Im always watching the stuff my wife does on telly, so I should do the same for other family members, I suppose. Having said that: why couldnt they have found out that Im related to Paul McCartney or John Lennon? Not that Im short of famous cousins nowthanks to this test, Im coming down with them. Your DNA also tested positive for an even smaller part of Haplogroup-T, called Haplogroup-T2, said Dr. Nathan.

Apparently this makes me a distant relation of Henry Skip Gates, a big deal Harvard professor and a mate of President Obamas. (This isnt as crazy as it sounds, cos the guy was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct not too long ago. Thats pretty good evidence of an Osbourne gene, I reckon.) Other members of my extended family include the original Jesse James, the last Russian Tsar (Nicholas II), and even George I of Britain. Im sure the royals will be over the fucking moon with that piece of information.

A lot of the other stuff in my genome was more reassuring than mind-blowing. For example: I dont have any dodgy genes that are strongly linked to cancer, Huntingtons, or Parkinsons (which I thought I had for a long time, before my doctor realised that I suffer from a Parkinsonian-like tremor). So maybe Ill get to live as long as my indestructible nan, who made it to the age of 99. They also found nothing in my genes that suggests Im very likely to get Alzheimers, which is a relief, given what Sharons dad went through with that horrendous disease. Another thing Dr. Nathan discovered is that Im part Neanderthal. That wont come as much of a surprise to the missusor various police departments around the world. But Dr. Nathan thought it was pretty interesting. It was only a few months ago that scientists managed to sequence a Neanderthal genome from old bones found in a Croatian cave and found a link with humans, he said. Previously, it was thought that all modern humans came from Africa about 50,000 to 60,000 years ago. Now we know there was some Neanderthal-human interbreeding, which is why theres a small part of Neanderthal in your DNA.

All this is news for blokes everywhere, I think: if the Neanderthals could get lucky with human females, theres hope for us all. (One thing which blew my mind is that I have less Neanderthal in me than quite a few very brainy people. The professor guy who founded Knome, George Church, has three times more caveman in him than I do.)

Speaking of dead relatives, it also turns out that I share some DNA with the people killed in Pompeii when Mount Vesuvius blew its top in AD 79 (scientists took samples from the bodies in the ash, which is how they can tell). That means Im also probably also descended from some of the survivors. Which makes a lot of sense, I suppose. If any of the Roman Osbournes drank anywhere near as much booze as I used to, they wouldnt have even felt the burning lava. They could have just walked it off.




DR. OZZYS INSANE BUT TRUE STORIES


How the Osbourne Identity Was Unlocked

&#9830;In July 2010, a phlebotomistwhatever the fuck that istook a sample of my blood and sent it to a lab in New Jersey.

&#9830;DNA was taken from my white blood cells, dissolved in a salt solution, and then sent off to Cofactor Genomics in St. Louis, Missouri.

&#9830;At Cofactor, my DNA was chopped up into 10 to 25 trillion pieces thanks to some heavy-duty shaking. After that, they spelled out all the chemical lettersin precise orderthat make me the certifiable nutter I am.

&#9830;For the next 16 days, Cofactor used a photocopier-sized machinewhich costs more than three Ferraris, so Im toldto read my genome 13 times over and put it on a hard drive.

&#9830;The hard drive with me on it was sent to Knome, Inc., in Cambridge, Massachusetts.

&#9830;Knome compared the 6 billion letters in my genome with every other genome on the planetto find why the fuck Im still alive. Then they put all the findings on a little USB stick thing and presented it to me at home.

&#9830;While trying to understand what had just happened my brain exploded.


Apart from the distant ancestor stuffwhich seems more fun than useful, to be honestDr. Nathan told me things based on my DNA that only my wife or my personal assistant could ever have known. Trying to get him to say it in English was another matter. There are some variants in your RNASE3 gene that suggest youre 240 times more likely than other people to have allergies, according to research, he told me, for example.

Now, although those kind of odds are supposed to be quite unreliableDr. Nathan said they shouldnt be trustedthey happen to be spot on in my case: Im allergic to dust mites, and I get bad sinus infections. So who knows? Maybe the Osbourne snot gene might end up helping to find a cure for hay fever. I could think of worse ways to be remembered.

But that was just the beginning of what they found in the nose department when they were poking around in my DNA. You also have some nonsense variants in nine of your odor receptor genes, said Dr. Nathan.

Eh?

Basically it means you might not be able to smell a few thingswhich isnt all that unusual, because modern humans dont have to sniff-out their dinner from two miles away, then go and club it to death. As the species has evolved, our sense of smell has become less sensitive.

I couldnt believe what I was hearing: my old man used to claim that he didnt have any sense of smellor very little. We always thought he was taking the mickey. Me and my brother used to take it in turns to fart silently next to him, to try and catch him out. But he never fell for itso maybe he was telling the truth, after all. Maybe it was all in his genes.

Another thing they found is that my body aint any good at metabolising coffee. (Youre a slow acetylator of caffeine, is how Dr. Nathan put itaccording to Tonys scribbled notesbecause of the way your NAT2 gene works.) That explains a lot: I like the occasional blast of espresso, but all it takes is one shot, and my eyeballs feel like theyre gonna explode and I start shaking enough to register on the Richter scale.

Now I know why.


Bearing in mind what Dr. Nathan said about those odds figures being a bit dodgy, here are some of the other interesting things he told me: Im 6.13 times more likely than the average person to have alcohol dependency or alcohol cravings (er yeah); 1.31 times more likely to have a cocaine addiction; and 2.6 times more likely to have hallucinations while taking cannabis (makes sense, although I was usually loaded on so many different things at the same time, it was hard to know what was doing what). Meanwhile, I scored low on the genes associated with heroin addiction (I was never addicted to street heroin, cos it made me throw upa terrible waste of boozebut I did get very addicted to morphine for a long time). I also scored low for nicotine addiction, which is interesting, cos cigarettes were the first thing I gave up when I got sober.

To be completely honest with you, some of the stuff Dr. Nathan told me seemed a bit on the bleedin obvious side. I mean, if Id have been the bloke who forked out $3 billion for the first test, Im not sure I would have been too impressed when the doc told me, Well, Mr Osbourne, Your PTPN11 gene is normal-ishso you dont have Noonan Syndrome.

Whats Noonan Syndrome? I asked.

A type of dwarfism.

So Im not a dwarf?

No.

Oh. Thats a relief then.

And like I said before, there are lot of things they just dont know yet. For example: Dr. Nathan says I have 300,000 completely new spellings in my DNAOf course I do, Im fucking dyslexic! I told himbut they dont really know what that means. One of those never-seen-before things we found in your genome was a regulatory segment in your ADH4 gene, which metabolises alcohol, said Dr. Nathan. It could make you more able to break down alcohol than the average person. Or less able. Given that I used to drink four bottles of cognac a day, Im not sure anyone needs a Harvard scientist to get to the bottom of that particular mystery.

We also found new disruptions in your TTN and CLTCL1 genes, the doc went on. The first one might be associated with anything from deafness to Parkinsonianism, while we know that the second one can affect brain chemistry. If you wanted to find out more about your addictive behaviour, that might not be a bad place to start.

If anything tells you how far all this stuff has to come, that pretty much sums it up for me: I mean, if theres a gene for addictive behaviour, youd have thought that mine would be written in pink neon with a ribbon and a bow on top.


Of all the parts of my genome that make up who I amfrom my Pompei ancestors to my snotty nose and the fact Im ready to blast through the ceiling after one cup of coffeeit was the last thing Dr. Nathan told me that really stuck in my mind. You have two versions of a gene known as COMT, he said. The first is often called the warrior variant, and the second is known as the worrier variant. A lot of people have one or the othernot both. I suppose that makes me both a warrior and a worrier.

It reminded me of a time, years and years ago, when I was on holiday in Hawaii with this chick I knew. We were walking along a cliff-edge one day, and when I told her I was afraid of heights, she couldnt believe it.

Im being serious, I remember saying. Id get vertigo wearing your high heels.

She just burst out laughing. I couldnt work out what was so funny. Eventually, she said, You dont remember last night, do you? We were walking along this very same cliff and you ripped off your shirt and took a running jump. I dont think you even looked to see if there were any rocks below. Luckily, you hit water. Then you wanted me to jump after you.

Not being insane, she refused.

I always thought it was just the booze and drugs that made me do crazy things like that, even though Ive always been a terrible hypochondriac, and in some ways quite an anxious and insecure person. But now Im thinking its got more to do with my genes. Being a warriorthe crazy, Alamo-pissing, bat-eating Prince of Darknesshas made me famous. Being a worrier has kept me alive when some of my dearest friends never made it beyond their mid-twenties.

Before Dr. Nathan left, I told him my theory. He frowned, nodded a bit, squinted his eyes. Then he said, Look, Mr. Osbourne, after studying your history, taking your blood, extracting your genes from the white cells, making them readable, sequencing them, analysing and interpreting the data using some of the most advanced technology available in the world todayand of course comparing your DNA against all the current research in the U.S. National Library of Medicine, not to mention the eighteenth revision of the public human reference genomeI think I can say with a good deal of confidence why youre still alive.

I looked at him.

He looked at me.

Go on, then, I said. Spit it out.

Sharon, he replied.



Dr. Ozzys Trivia Quiz: Mutant Strains: #qa07


Find the answersand tote up your scorehere: #q1

1. Which of these creatures might have existed in real life years agothanks to a far-out genetic mutation?

a) Hobbits

b) Unicorns

c) Dragons


2. What was genetically special about Lakshmi Tatama when she was born in Bihar, India, in 2005?

a) She had four arms and four legs

b) She had a conjoined headless twin

c) She had three heads


3. What do scientists put in genetically altered salmon to help keep them alive in very cold water?

a) Antifreeze

b) Polar bear DNA

c) Special alleles that tell the fish to grow thicker skin


4. Scientists understand genetics because of this garden vegetable:

a) Carrots

b) Brussels sprouts

c) Peas


5. The worlds first cloned sheep, Dolly, was named in honour of

a) One of the scientists who created her

b) Dolly Partons tits

c) Doncaster Polytechnic



CHAPTER NOTES: BLAME IT ON THE DNA



Friends & Arseholes

8





For People Who Arent People People

Only two things in life are supposed to be inevitable: death and taxes. Unfortunately that aint true, cos theres something else youll never be able to avoid unless you live in Antarctica, Siberia, or Northumberland: people. Theyre everywhere. At work. In shops. On your Facebollocks computer thing. And thats a massive problem if you aint a people person, cos youll end up spending half your life getting into arguments, feeling embarrassed, not knowing what to say, having the piss taken out of you, or, even worse than all that, just being a boring fucker at parties. Luckily, Dr. Ozzy is here to help. Even if your idea of holiday is a month by yourself in a cave, all you have to do is follow the advice in this chapter, and youll be able to handle anything another human being can throw at you. Just dont expect to like them.

Or for them to like you.


* * *



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I hate bear-hugging other men, even close friends. How do I avoid it without offending anyone?

Rafael, Windsor

Youve got a mouth, so say something. I know some tough-guy types who think its cool to say hello by getting me in a headlock and wrestling me to the grounda buddy slam they call it over here in California. More like a load of macho bollocks, if you ask me. So if they try it, I tell them to fuck off. I mean, if your mates started to say hello by punching you in the face, youd do something about it, right? So why not just say to them, Look, I dont like having my head in your armpit while you whack me on the back like Hulk Hogan, cant we just shake hands, or wave at each other or something?



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Ive suddenly developed a habit of putting my foot in my mouth in the most cringeworthy ways imaginablelike blurting out jokes about fat people in front of overweight friends. What could be causing this sudden outbreak of tactlessness? Its not booze, because its happened as many times sober as it has when Im drunk.

Fred, Basingstoke

It wont make you feel any better, but we all drop a clanger every now and again. You cant beat yourself up about it too much, cos life would be pretty boring if we all talked like politicians. And believe me, your fat jokes nothing compared with the shit I used to say when I was drinking four bottles of cognac a day. One time, I had to call up Brian Wilson from the Beach Boys after a big night out and say I was sorry for telling him I was glad his brother had just died. That was about 20 years ago, and Im still cringing now.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Im a happily married man, but I keep getting inappropriate e-mails from a male co-worker. Some are just dirty jokes, but others are graphic fantasies, like how he wants to sodomize me in the handicapped bathroom stall. At first it was funny, but now its creepy and I want it to stop. Obviously I dont want to say anything to the boss.

Marcus, California

If someone I knew started sending me e-mails about sticking their one-eyed wonder anywhere near my rear endjoke or otherwiseI wouldnt be writing to Dr. Ozzy for advice, Id be using my mouth to tell him to stop giving me the fucking creeps, man. I mean, how about sending this sicko a reply that says, Dont ever e-mail me again? If that doesnt work, confront him in private. Failing that, get yourself a sexual harassment lawyer.



Dear Dr. Ozzy,

I recently took in a lodger, who said he was only going to be staying only a fortnightbut hes still here, six months later. Worse than that: he coughs all the time. Its driving me crazy. What can I do to get rid of him, or the cough, or both? Thank you.

Maddy, Cambridge

Ive never had an annoying lodger, but I did once have a next-door neighbour who played tennis at midnight. It doesnt sound like much, but believe me, you dont want to hear thwock, thwack, thwock when youre trying to get some shut-eye. It was like living on centre court at Wimbledon. In the end, I set up my billion-watt PA system in the garden, and the second I heard him starting to play, I blasted some thrash metal in his direction. That soon put a stop to it. The same thing would solve your lodger problem, I reckon. After a few sessions of The Best of Goatwhorehighly recommended, by the wayhell be begging to leave. And itll drown out his coughing in the meantime.



Dear Dr. Ozzy,

I work at a bank and my boss urinates with the door open. It makes me very uncomfortable. What can I do?

Anonymous

Bakersfield, California

To be fair to your boss, when men get the call of nature, its a very powerful urge. Our brains arent set up to think about all the other stuff involved, like doors, seat lids or if the wall were about to use is part of an important historic monument like the Alamo (I had no idea). Personally, Im impressed the guys even making it to the bathroom. If I was stuck in a bank all day, Id get so fucking bored, Id be pissing out of the window, trying to hit people standing at the cash machine outside. So I really think you should give the guy a break. Better yet, next time he empties his bladder in full view of his staff, get your colleagues to give him a round of applause and a score out of ten.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My best friend is being bullied, and hes now very depressedhe hasnt been at school for the past two weeks. I wish I could help, but were in different grades (if dont see the bullying taking place, I cant tell a teacher). What should I do?

David, Boston

Tell his parents. You must tell his parents. Bullying is a terrible thing, and has fucked up a lot of peoples lives. Its all very well to say people should just put up with itor that it makes you strongerif it aint your head being flushed down the toilet on a daily basis. My bet is that if you tell this kids folks, theyll be round the school in no time to sort it out. Do it now before it goes too far and something tragic happens, or youll never forgive yourself.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My friends tell me Im incredibly tight-fisted. Personally, I dont think this is fair: I just like to keep track of my spending and try to avoid throwing my heard-earned cash away. Should I listen to them? Should these people even really be my friends?

Jaycee, Surrey

Theres a world of difference between careful and tight as a ducks arse. I remember when I used to own a wine bar and restaurantOsbournes in Newport, Shropshirethere was a bloke who was so cheap, hed come in and count his fucking peas. Literally. Hed tap me on the shoulder and go, How come I got seven peas and my wife got twelve? Then theres the kind of tightwad who claims to be on a diet when it comes to ordering food, but then scavenges from everyone elses plates. The See Food diet, as I always call it. But anyway, back to your question: the fact is, if your friends are saying theyre offended by your behaviour, chances are youre tighter than Elvis Presleys spandex. So it cant hurt to dig deep for a while, just to prove em wrong.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Help! I just sent a long and emotional e-mail about how much I hate my job to my best friend in Sweden, only I accidentally (dont ask how) copied my boss. What should I do?

Margaret, New York

Start looking for a new job.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I know youre supposed to make eye contact when talking to new people, but how far do you take itthe occasional glance (if so, how many seconds?) or a continuous full-lock?

Ken, Woking

It aint a full-lock and it aint a glanceits something in-between. But its very important to get it right, cos its not comfortable being around people who cant look you in the eye when theyre having a conversation. They seem dodgy. Whatever you do, though, dont stareif your eyes are bugging out like youre some kind of nutter, that aint cool. To me, its all about giving off a warm vibe; making others feel at ease. Maybe if you stop counting how many seconds there are between every blink, itll come naturally.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My colleague (the next cubicle over) has terrible body odour. How can I break the news to him gentlyor is there a way of dealing with the smell without having to confront him?

Marie, Stoke on Trent

Fuck I take a shower ever day, so it pisses me off when other people dont give their friends and colleagues the same courtesy. Unfortunately, though, theres no painless answer to your problem. You could move cubicles, I suppose. Or put an anonymous gift of deodorant on his desk. But the best solution is to confront himin a nice way. Say, Next time youre in the bath, why dont you try turning on the taps?



Dear Dr. Ozzy,

Excuse my French, but my boss is an arsehole. His idea of management is to boast about every pathetic little thing he does while belittling everyone elses achievements. How can I get him to change his ways?

Sarah, Stoke

Why not get together with your colleagues who feel the same way and have an intervention? Or, if its a bigger company, complain to human resources (or whatever they call it). Failing that, leave. Thats what I used to do when I hated a job. Either that, or I behaved so badlylike stealing cows eyeballs from the slaughterhouse where I worked and putting them in girls drinks at the pub across the roadthey kicked me out. Jobs are harder to find these days, of course, so that might not be a good idea. Unfortunately, that also makes idiots like your boss think theyre God.

Try not to give him the pleasure.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

A friend of mine visited my house the other day when I was recovering from a case of winter sniffles. When he came down with his own cold a few days after, he sent me an angry e-mail telling me that I should have warned him I had germs. Is this fair?

Neil, Stevenage

No. How does this guy know where he got the cold from, anyway? And even if you did give it to him, whats everyone supposed to do, walk around in germ-sealed plastic bags wearing face masks and rubber gloves all the time? Give me a break.



Dear Ozzy:

I play football after work with my colleagues, and last week my boss broke my ankle with a dirty tackle. Im furious with him, and want revengebut I dont want to get fired. Any ideas?

Guglielmo, Rome

Two words, Guglielmo: shit happens. If youre gonna kick a ball around, youve got to accept that some peoples personalities change beyond recognition when scoring goals is involved. I learned that lesson years ago, when I played on my local pub team every Sunday morning. Well, I say played, but it was really just an excuse to air my brain out after the night before. I soon realised that the blokes who were perfectly normal and friendly while having a few beers turned into wild fucking animals on the field. I mean, they just forgot who they were, to the point where they lost all self-respect then five minutes later they were back down the pub, as nice as you like again. So you should forget about revenge, cos you cant live your life trying get back at people for things you should have seen coming in the first place. Stop playing if it really bothers you. Otherwise get back on the field and try to run a bit faster next time.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My neighbour plays his Elton John record collection at full-blast every Sunday morningthe one day of the week when I get to sleep in. No offense to Sir Elton (I know hes a friend of yours) but what can I do to banish Rocket Man from my life for good?

Adriana, Bergamo, Italy

Ask him nicely to turn it down, and if that doesnt work, buy some earplugsunless you want to start a feud. Also, lets face it: the situation could be worse. He could be playing Justin Bieber.




DR. OZZYS INCREDIBLY HELPFUL TIPS


Your Boss Is an Arsehole If

&#9830;He makes himself Employee of the Month. Every month.

&#9830;He docks your salary for the day you take off to go to your mums funeral.

&#9830;He uses the stopwatch on his iPhone to time your toilet breaks.

&#9830;He thinks the stopwatch on his iPhone is a pretty cool app. But not as cool as Pull My Fingerwhich he plays with in his office while everyone else is working their butts off.

&#9830;He gets you wasted after work, then shaves off your eyebrows when you pass out. Oh, hang on a minute that was me

&#9830;He gives you a choice between working at the weekend or giving him a blowjob.

&#9830;He promotes people based on how many times they dont work at the weekend.

&#9830;At a team-bonding event, he thinks its hilarious to shoot a paintball at your lovesack.




Dear Dr. Ozzy:

How do you cope with people who plot against you, but are as nice as pie to your face?

David, Woking

Number one: dont ever work in TV, cos the industry is crawling with back-stabber types. Number two: you dont have to cope with themjust avoid them like the plague. Unless youre wearing handcuffs or have been slammed in a prison cell, you dont have to be in anyones company (although I know it can be difficult with co-workers and bosses). I mean, if someone has B.O., you dont choose to sit next to them, do you? Its same with people who have toxic personalities. If its an option, get up and walk away.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Is it just me, or is it basically impossible for men to make new friends when theyre married with kids, given that the pub is now out of bounds (at least on a regular basis)?

Chaz, Isle of Wight

Thats why God invented golf and fishing. Both of these things let men get out of the house and socialise with each other without getting a stage-five bollocking the next day. The trouble is, if you dont have the patience for that stuffI certainly dontthere aint many other options. And its not as if someone like me can go out for the occasional quiet pint, either. One whiff of the old devils brew, and the next thing you know its 4 a.m., Im blasted to kingdom come, and trying to drive my car through the front door. So for me the last refuge has always been the toilet. You might not make any new friends in there, but when the kids are rioting and the wifes on your case, I highly recommend it as a way of taking a quick break.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Is it worth staying in touch with old friendsfrom high school, etc.when you no longer have anything in common. Or is it better and more honest to just make a clean break?

Julian, Newport

Move on. The fact is, youre a different person now than when you were a kid, so unless your old classmates have gone into the same kind of job or whatever, its pointless going through the awkwardness of meeting up for a beer once every ten years. Having said that, its sometimes interesting to see what became of the dickheads at school. I remember this one guy: he always wore the uniform (even though you didnt have to), always did his homework on time, always came top of everything. Meanwhile, I was the prankster, thief, and school goldfish murderer. He ended up being a bus inspector. I became a rock star. Sometimes I have a good old chuckle about that.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

As a boss, Im struggling to deal with a worker whos not a team player. Short of firing him, which seems a bit excessive, whats the best way to manage such a difficult personality? Im sure you have plenty of experience as the leader of a rock band.

David, Surrey

I have a rule in my band: if theres something you dont like about your job, or if youve been offered a better gig somewhere else, all I ask is for a bit of notice before you leave. And its the same in reverse. So if I were you, Id have a chat with this guy, tell him it aint working out, and suggest he finds a new job by the end of the year. On the other hand, if hes doing excellent work and the only problem is that you dont like him, Id suggest you just deal with it, cos talented people are hard to find, and your employees dont have to be your friends. If no-one else at your company likes him, either, then thats a different matter, cos hell be affecting morale. In that case he has to go.



Dr. Ozzys Trivia Quiz: Personal Skills: http://qa08/


Find the answersand tote up your scorehere: #q1

1. How do you say hello to close friend in Northern Mozambique?

a) Kiss them on the nose

b) Shake your fist at head level and shout, Wooshay! Wooshay!

c) Clap three times


2. According to the etiquette people at Debretts, what shouldnt you glance longingly at during dinner?

a) The best-looking person at the table

b) Your wifes tits

c) Your iPhone


3. How many friends does the average person have on Facebook?

a) 130

b) 95

c) 260


4. What did a New Zealand bank manager do in 2006 that made him Worst Boss of the Year?

a) Ordered female tellers to show at least three inches of cleavage

b) Had his staff tied up and robbed

c) Banned toilet breaks during office hours


5. When the workers at a Lithuanian-owned car dealership in Atlanta, USA, asked for a raise, what did the boss do?

a) Shoot them

b) Kill himself

c) Sue them for emotional distress



The Jelly Between Your Ears

9





It Aint Easy, Being Mental

Most of us spend more time washing the dishes than we do taking care of our mental health. Its unbelievable, when you think about it, cos of all the things that can go wrong with us, not feeling yourself is right up there with the worst. It aint exactly rare, either. According to real doctors,[6 - At the World Health Organisation.] one in four people come down with some kind of major freak-out at some point in their lives. The trouble is, even today, people dont like to talk about it. I mean, when you go to work in the morning and the boss says, How are you? no-one wants to go, Oh, Im feeling a bit mentally ill today, actually. Youd end up in a padded room, wearing pyjamas with no fucking sleeves.

Luckily, you can always come to Dr. Ozzy for advice. Ive been through just about everything you can imagine: depression, panic attacks, drug abuse, cries for help, alcohol abuse, obsessive compulsive disorder you name it, man. And the one thing Ive learned: no matter how much you dont want to, youve gotta talk about it. Go to your GP. See a therapist. Confide in friends (although its usually better to find someone who aint biased). If you keep your problems bottled up instead, theyll only get worse over time. Having said all that, if you grew up in England when I did, the whole idea of talking about anything is a fucking joke. If someone had any kind of anxiety or depression when I was a kid, it was called a nervous breakdownand people only ever mentioned it in hushed voices, behind closed doors. But times have changed. Treatments have improved. And people are beginning to realise that everyone has issues, and everyone needs to get them out in the open if they want to move on. So thats what this chapter is about: coming clean, clearing the air, and hopefully taking the first step towards getting real help from someone who aint me.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My friends have started to tell me that Im way too paranoidabout my boss, my girlfriend, the government you name it. Isnt a bit of paranoia good for you, though?

Jamie, New York

No. Being paranoids a terrible way to live. For example: every so often when I get on a plane, I convince myself that its doomed, and that everyones gonna die. So I spend the whole twelve hours in the air sweating and trying to stop my heart jumping out of my ribcage which is a total waste of time, cos my panic attack aint exactly gonna stop a bomb going off, or the autopilot breaking down. I mean, I suppose you could argue that being a worrier makes you more likely to live longer, but if youre feeling paranoid 24/7, what kind of life are you living anyway? It aint comfortable for the people around you, eitherespecially not if youre giving your girlfriend the Gestapo treatment every time she comes home. Listen to your mates and chill out, man.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Can you finally explain why is it so bloody hard for men to cry?

Abigail, Wexham

Its not that its hard, its just that we dont particularly enjoy it. I mean, yeah, every now and againlike once a decadea good old cry clears the air. But it aint something your average bloke wants to do on a regular basis, cos its exhausting. Women, on the other hand, cant seem to get enough of it. For example: my wife insists on going to see these awful filmsslurpies, I call emwhere you spend the whole time feeling like your grans just died. I can still remember the last one I was dragged to: The Notebook. By the time the credits rolled, I was just about having a nervous breakdownthen I thought to myself, Why am I sitting here, in darkened room, feeling all unnecessarily choked up? When I looked over at Sharon, she was even more puffy-faced and snotty than I was. Then she goes, Oooh, wasnt that brilliant, Ozzy? At moments like that, I think that men and women might as well be from different universes.



Hi Dr. Ozzy:

I suffer from a condition known as bipolar, which makes me impulsive and harm people when I dont mean to. It started when my father began drinking a case of beer every night. He would get rowdy and mean and drive me to school when he was drunk. Now hes divorcing my sweet mom. Could this be the cause of my problems?

Christina, Texas

I strongly suggest you find a good therapist. And by that I mean someone who has in-depth knowledge of bipolarnot your local GP, wholl probably tell you to take an aspirin and sleep it off. Im not bipolar myself, but Ive been to the dark side more than a few occasions, and therapy has helped me a great deal over the years. It basically gives you a different view of the things you think might have caused your problemslike your old mans drinkingcos when youre in the depths of a mental freak-out, you often dont understand why, and you end up blaming it on the stuff and the people around you. In other words, you end up telling yourself that the way you see the world is the way it is when in reality your problems could have been caused by one of many, many things. You might also need anti-depressants, or some other kind of drug, butas strange as this might sound coming from an addict like meI honestly believe that in your case, therapy is the best medication. Or at least its a good first step.




DR. OZZYS INSANE-BUT-TRUE STORIES


Historys Biggest Nutters

&#9830;Joan of Arc: Cross-dressing French teenager who led armies into battle and got burned at the stakeat an age when the worst thing most chicks have to deal with is Bieber Fever. Some think her visions from God were caused by bovine tuberculosis, from unpasteurized milk.

&#9830;Pythagoras: Brainy Greek. Loved animals and triangles. Also fucking crazy. For example: the guy was totally freaked out by beans. Good job he never had to sit in a confined area with me after a burrito.

&#9830;Charles the Mad: French king who thought he was made of glass (he had his pants reinformed with iron bars in case he fell over and shattered). The guy was so nuts, he couldnt even remember his own name. I feel sorry for the poor fucker who had to keeping reminding him: Your Royal Highnesss name is Charles the Mad, Sir.

&#9830;Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart: Totally mental German composer. Suffered from attention deficit disorder, bipolar disorder, and Tourettes syndrome. The real title of Piano Concerto No. 24 in C-Minor is actually Piano Concerto No. 24 in C-Fucking Minor, You Asshole.

&#9830;Lord Byron: English poet. Mad as a bag of pissed-off ferrets. Had a pet bear at collegeand a litterbox the size of Buckingham Palace. Later, when he got bored of writing soppy verses, he formed his own navy and declared war on the Turks. (This is true, honestly.) Then he caught a cold and died.




Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I cant control my temper. I finally realised this when I recently spent the night in jail after punching someone in the face for looking at me funny. What can I do to calm myself down?

Graham, Yorkshire

Generally speaking, people dont just wake up angry. Theres got to be an underlying causesomething in your past, or maybe even just anxiety. Anger is a symptom. Beer also fuels anger: once, a long time ago, I hit someone with a bottle in a pub when I was blasted out of my mind, and it still haunts me to this day. So if you drink, youd better think about stopping immediately. If I were you, Id also get some anger management therapy. If you think that sounds like a joke from an Adam Sandler movie, wait and see how funny it is when you hit someone again and get 20 years for grievous bodily harm.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

A few months ago I was laid-off from the company Id been with for ten years, and although Ive found another job sincewith better opportunitiesI cant stop dwelling on how I was let go, and its making me grumpy and depressed. Should I see a shrink?

Mark, Cleethorpes

I know exactly how you feel, Mark. I was fired by my old band, Black Sabbath, in 1979. I mean, granted, I was a horrendous alcoholicbut it wasnt like they were all fucking choirboys, either. Just to make things worse, it was my best friend Bill Ward who broke the news to me. I cant remember the specifics, cos I was shitfaced on beer and cognac on the day it happened, but Ill never forget how bad it felt. After ten years, youre practically married to what you do for a living. When youre given the boot, its like going through a divorceeven if you know in your heart its the right thing. It might be that youre just angry, in which case I would definitely recommend going to see a shrink. Otherwise, getting over it will just take time. Whatever you do, dont try and vent your frustrations in other ways. In my case, I set fire to my back garden, shot all my chickens, and went to the pub, but it only made me feel worse.

I still feel bad for the poor chickens to this day.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I have a terrible, gnawing sense of dread about the state of the worldin particular the environment. (According to the news, this has been the wettest\driest\hottest\coldest winter on record for just about any country you care to mention.) Is this anxiety normal? Is there anything any of us can really do about it?

Carel, Dubai

Number one: stop watching the TV or browsing the internet. Number two: replace the time youve been spending doing those thing with something healthier and more constructive. Me, I like to draw. Just doodles, really. But its a great release. Dont get me wrong, I aint saying we should all just bury our heads in the sand. But the point of the news is to keep you watching the newsso they only focus on the most horrendous stuff. If youre sensitive to it, you can literally make yourself sick. In fact, I once heard about a guy who had inoperable cancer, and he went to a Chinese doctor, who told him, Heres what I want you to do: get rid of your TV, get rid of your radio, switch off your computer. Just focus on the positive. After three months, he was in remission. I aint saying he was cured by giving up News at Ten. But I bet it made him a lot happier.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My GP recently put me on anti-depressants. Are there any side-effects I should know about?

David, Surrey

Anti-depressants are fabulous things, David, but theyll play havoc with your meat and two veg. Ive been taking them for years and what Ive found is, I can get a boner, but no fireworks. So I just end up pumping away on top of Sharon like a road drill all night. I tried Viagra once, but by the time it kicked in, the missus was fast asleep. So it was just me and this tent pole in front of me, with nothing to do but watch the History Channel.




DR. OZZYS AMAZING MEDICAL MISCELLANY


Crazy, Even for Mental Disorders

&#9830;Capgras Syndrome. When youre convinced that everyone around you has been replaced with an identical imposter. If you happen to be a Third World dictator whos hired a lot of body-doubles, this might be true. For everyone else, its a sign you need to catch the next bus to the funny farm.

&#9830;Paris Syndrome. This one affects only Japanese people. It happens when they go to Paris expecting paradise, meet the Frenchespecially rude waitersand cant handle it, to the point where they have a total meltdown. I aint taking the piss. The Japanese embassy now has a 24-hour helpline for tourists who come down with it. There are usually about twenty cases a year.[7 - www.parissyndrome.info: http://www.parissyndrome.info/]

&#9830;Walking-Corpse Syndrome. Sufferers think theyre dead, and that life is a dream theyre having while in heaven (or hell). I thought I had this once, but luckily it turned out I wasnt delusionalI was actually dead. It was only temporary while I was in a coma (after my quad bike crash).




Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I keep waking up in the night after hearing loud noises, but my wife (asleep beside me) hears nothing. Could this be the so-called Exploding Head Syndrome that I heard about on television, or do you think its just a common-or-garden nightmare?

Ted, Bath

Unless youve got a pet hamster whos throwing bricks out of his cage in the middle of the night, it seems unlikely that thered be enough loud noises to make you wake up on such a regular basis. On the other hand, its plausible that your wife could be sleeping through whatever it is thats disturbing you. My own wife sleeps like shes been dead twenty-five years. A Boeing 747 full of atomic bombs could crash into our back garden, and shed be none the wiser the next morning. By the sound of it, though, this is probably all in your own mind. As for exploding head syndrome Ive had a few hangovers that might fit that description, but in your case its more likely to be a bad case of anxiety dreams. Try some relaxation techniques before bed, and let me know how it goes.



Dear Dr. Ozzy,

After all the tragic shootings in America, Im curious if you think its possible to tell in advance that a mentally ill person is going to snap, or if its out of anyones control?

Jake, Los Angeles

To me, its not a question of being able to tell when someones gonna snap, its the fact that its ridiculously easy for a crazy person to get hold of a gun in America. I mean, I should know: Im a complete nutjob, and I own several guns. All I had to do was show the guy in the shop my ID and wait a few weeks. In England, on the other hand, a copper had to come over to my house and interview me before theyd let me keep a firearm. Ive got nothing against guns in general, but if the government makes people take a test before they can drive a car, why not have the same kind of rule for when you buy a Glock? They say it aint guns that kill people, its people who kill people but it seems to me like it would be a lot fucking harder for a lunatic to become a mass-murderer if he had to use an old frying pan instead of a semi-automatic.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My 19-year-old son has started to suffer from panic attacks, usually during exams, job interviews, that kind of thing. Next week he has his driving test (third attempt) and Im wondering, is theres anything safe I can give him to calm him down?

Janet, Surrey

If it makes you feel any better, it took me 19 attempts to pass my driving testand I only finally became legal in October 2009. Not that it ever stopped me driving, mind you: if anyone ever asked me if I had a licence, Id just say, Oh yes which was sort of true: I had a TV licence. About the nerves, though: I know exactly how your son feels. I used to get so intimidated by the examiner, Id have a few of pints before getting in the car. But then Id forget basic things, like which side of road to drive on. Eventually I went to my GP and asked him for some pills to chill me out, so he wrote me a prescription for a sedative. The box said, WARNING: DO NOT MIX WITH ALCOHOLso to be safe, I smoked half a brick of Afghan hash instead. The good news: when I got into the car, I didnt feel intimidated at all. The bad news: when I stopped for a red light, I nodded off. So to answer your question: yes, there are (legal) drugs your son can takeask your GP. But nerves are better than being too relaxed for your own good.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

You often talk about vibes and energy, so its clear that you feel things that other people dont do you think people can develop intuition, or are they just born that way?

Sharon, Massachusetts

Most of the time its just common sense. I remember when Princess Diana was still alive, for example. I woke up one morning and said to Tony, my personal assistant, You know what, something bads gonna happen to her. And sure enough, a few days or weeks later, she was dead. It was terribly sad. Tony said me to later, Whatever you do, Ozzy, dont have any premonitions about me. But the fact is, if someones living their life at 300mph, you dont have to be a clairvoyant to see whats coming. I think some people have better intuition than others, but there aint anything magical about it.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I recently had to speak in public, and I became so nervous my vision became blurred. Is this hysterical blindness?

Nicola, Cheshire

Panic attacks can do all kinds of weird things to youI know, cos Ive suffered from stage fright all my life. I went to see my GP about it once and he told me, Trying getting a brown paper bag and blowing into it. I said to him, Apart from filling a bag with air, what the fuck is that gonna do? He didnt take too kindly to that. I see a therapist now to treat my anxietyits been doing me a lot of goodalthough anything to do with your sight is so important, it might also be worth seeing an eye doctor. The problem is that your symptoms probably only appear when youre nervous. So you might have to invite an audience and recite some Shakespeare while he checks you out.



Dear Dr. Ozzy,

Every time I leave the house, I have to go back two or three times to re-check that the door is locked, or that the oven isnt on, or that the burglar alarm is set. Whats wrong with me?

Karen, Surrey

A lot of people would tell you that youre a bit OCDin other words, that youve got obsessive compulsive disorder. To be honest with you, though, I think that might be over-egging it. Everyone seems to have OCD these days. But worrying about leaving the door open is normal, especially if you have bad short-term memory, like I do. I mean, no-one wants to come home and find a homeless bloke with his trousers down, taking a shit on the coffee table. But the reality is, even if you did leave the door open, nothing bad would probably happen. Youre over-thinking things. It happened to me the other night: I was home alone, and I spent the entire time crapping myself over every little rustle and creak. Then when Sharon came back early without any warning, I just about dived under the bed for my sniper rifle. Its a good job I was too groggy to go any fastershooting the missus would have earned me a right old bollocking.




DR. OZZYS AMAZING MEDICAL MISCELLANY


Old-Fashioned Treatments to Avoid

&#9830;Insulin-Coma. Back in the day, some bright spark thought that if they shot you up with enough insulin to put you into a coma, youd wake up cured from drug addiction and/or schizophrenia. It worked brilliantlyapart from one small problem: the waking up bit. A lot of people didnt.

&#9830;Trepanation. If you complained about personal demons in the Middle Ages, theyd strap you to a table while some fat, dribbling peasant wearing a potato sack went at your skull with a hammer and chisel. The idea was to make a big enough hole to let the demons out. Unfortunately, more often than not, half your brains came out with em.

&#9830;Hydrotherapy. It wasnt a good idea to suffer from hyperactivity disorder, or any kind of disorder, in Victorian times. Youd end up locked up in the loony bin, chained to a wall, and blasted in the face with a firemans hoseuntil you calmed down. A lot of times you calmed down so much you didnt have a pulse any more.




Dear Dr. Ozzy,

Ive just found out that a friend of mind is undergoing a course of electro-shock treatment for depression. It sounds terrible to me, and I want her to stop. What do you think?

Mary, Dorset

When you hear the phrase electro-shock treatment you immediately think of One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest. But a very close friend of mine had this done, and apparently its nothing like it was in 1930s, when they used to basically plug you into the mains and see what happened. For a start, its called electroconvulsive therapy now. The only thing I would suggest is asking your friend if shes absolutely sure that shes tried everything else, because from what I understand, its one of those if-all-else-fails things. My friend swears that it cured her, but Ive gotta say, Im not sure Id ever be miserable enough to hook myself up to one of those machines.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Having a strict routine makes me happyI have an OCD-type personality and anxietybut I worry that its also turning me into the worlds most boring person. What should I do?

Amelia, Boston, U.S.A.

Sometimes youve gotta make yourself unhappy to be happy. I mean, if you think about it, theres an up and down to almost everything worth doingand the down usually comes first. For example: I get horrendously anxious before gigs, but I love the adrenaline rush I get on stage. Maybe you need to test yourself a bit; do things that you make you feel nervous, and see if you like the sense of achievement you get later on. If you dont, and youre happier in bed at 9 p.m. every night with a cup of tea and a crossword, then stick to your routine. Better happy and boring than interesting and miserable.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

A close friend of mine has become very angry with God, blaming Him for all his recent career, health, and romantic disappointments (of which there have been many). Now Ive read on the Internet that this is a actually a kind of mental disorder. Should I be worried?

Fredo, London

Most of us are taught from birth to believe in a God with a beard who lives on a fluffy white cloud or whatever, so if someones having a terrible run of luck, its aint exactly surprising that they might end up blaming Him. Instead of worrying about your friend going madit certainly doesnt sound like a mental disorder to mewhy not talk to him; give him a shoulder to cry on. He needs your support, not your internet research.



Dr. Ozzys Trivia Quiz: Grey Matter: #qa09


Find the answersand tote up your scorehere: #q1

1. Which of these are real mental disorders?

a) Bigorexia

b) Foreign Accent Syndrome

c) Jumping Frenchman Disorder


2. If you were a hybristophiliac, what might you want to do?

a) Marry a mass murderer

b) Have two different personalities

c) Have sex with your Toyota Prius


3. This statement about the human brain is true:

a) There arent any pain receptors in your brain, so if Hannibal Lecter started to eat it, you wouldnt feel a thing

b) While awake, your brain generates enough power to light a 100 w bulb

c) Music is the biggest trigger of emotional memories


4. How many thoughts does the average person have every day (roughly)?

a) 600

b) 70,000

c) 1 million


5. How many prescriptions for anti-depressant drugs are handed out every year in America (estimated)?

a) 18 million

b) 81 million

c) 118 million



Sex, Romance & Ballcare

10





Dr. Ozzys Guide to the Bats and the Bees

If youve come to the Prince of Darkness for sex advice, youre already in big fucking trouble. It aint that I dont have a lot of experience in the bedroom departmentIve got my fair share of war stories, like any other rockerits just that I wasnt conscious for most of it. Back in the 1970s, most chicks used to light up a cigarette after a good old bonk. Not the ones I slept with: they were too busy calling for an ambulance.

Still, Ive picked up a few pearls of wisdom here and there, which is a good job, cos at least half the questions I get, especially at Rolling Stone, are from people with sex problemsor romance problems, or ball problems. Or, more often than youd think, a combination of all three. To make things easy, Ive rolled them all into this chapter. Just remember: theres more to life than mind-blowing sex. And if you find out what it is, let me know.


* * *



I: SEX



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

When my girlfriend takes Ambien, she turns into an insatiable sexual freak. In the morning, though, she has no memory of it. Is it wrong for me to go along with this?

Rob, California

It sounds like I need to send my Ambien back to the pharmacy and ask for a refund: when Sharon takes it, she turns into an insatiable fucking snorer, not a sexual freak. Having said that, if your girlfriend doesnt remember any of these epic rogerings in the morning, it seems to me like its dangerously close to date-rape. Aside from the fact that it aint right, if she ever found out about it, and you had an argument and broke up or whatever, you could end up in leg-irons and a jumpsuit. I think a confession is in order.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I gave my wife a vibrator as a gift. Now, every night when she thinks Im asleep, I can hear her using next to me. Were barely having sex, and Im worried I cant compete with the machine. Please help.

Anonymous

Hide the batteries.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Ive been sleeping on and off with an average-looking girl at work for a few monthsusually after a Friday night session in the pub. Yesterday I found out shes updated her relationship status on Facebook and is calling me her boyfriend! I never wanted this to become serious. How can I tell her this without causing drama?

Jeff, Preston

First of all, youve got a lot of balls calling this girl average-looking. What are you, Mr. fucking Brad Pitt? Secondly, if you go to bed with a girl more than once, you either have to explain to her that it aint seriousand run the risk of her not shagging you any moreor be a man and stop doing it, cos shes gonna get hurt. You also need to ask yourself the question: How would I feel if this were the other way around? I mean, men are very good at saying, Oh, its nothing, just the occasional shag, but then if another bloke comes on the scene, theyre like wild animals marking their territory. Make up your mind how you feel, then stop messing this poor girl around.



Dear Dr. Ozzy,

I have a policy of not advising people on their love lives. However, I suspect my friend Bob (not his real name) might be having an extra-marital relationship with a neighbour, largely because he likes her breasts. If this was your mate, would you offer advice?

John, Aberdeen

No. Trust mestay away. Its impossible to know all the facts in these situations, and you probably wouldnt want to. Meanwhile, if he ever asks you to start covering for him, just say, What you do is none of my business, dont ever ask about this again, I dont want to know. Otherwise youre putting your head in the lions den, and sooner or later, two slobbering jaws are gonna come chomping down on your neck, I guarantee it. The only time youd have any reason to pipe up would be if someone was getting hurt, or if the situation became horrendouslike he started bringing his bit-on-the-side over to your house for dinner. In that case, it would be worth a quiet word.



Dear Dr. Ozzy,

Why do men always want young girlfriends? Young people are boring: they dont have good stories to tell or interesting views to share. Do men think only with their trousers?

Darla, Helsinki, Finland

The truth is, men have two brains: the one in their heads and the one in their Y-fronts. The one nearer the floor usually winsthats why you see these guys walking around in Los Angeles with bald spots and pony tails. In fact, a friend of mine whos 63 came over to my house the other day in his sports car with some young female in the passenger seat who might as well have been his great-granddaughter. I said to him, Where do you find these girls? Pre-school? He just laughed. But I guarantee it wont make him happy for long, cos one day theyll be lying in bed and hell want to talk about Colonel Gaddafi, and shell think hes talking about the guy who invented fried chicken. (In response to this question, a guy called Peter from West Sussex wrote to me, saying: Ask Darla from Helsinki why men should NOT have young girlfriends? I sail, ski, work-out three days a week, and prefer slim and energetic companions as opposed to my overweight, TV-watching contemporaries. PS: I am 81 years old.)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

How do you make a girl reach orgasm?

Andre, St. Albans, Hertfordshire

Ive always been too busy giving myself an orgasm to pay much attention. If you find out, let me know.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Im a 28-year-old woman who has nevernot once!reached orgasm. I enjoy sex but its more like a good aerobic workout than something mind-blowing. Am I choosing the wrong guys, or do I have some kind of deep psychological handicap? Please help.

Sanna, Helsinki, Finland

Dr. Ozzy is a bit out of his depth on this one (see above), but the first thing to do is look at the side-effects of any pills youre taking. For example, anti-depressants wreak havoc in my own screaming ecstasy departmentbut I dont know what the deal is for women. Maybe also buy one of those electronic back massager wands, then practice trying to get yourself over-the-top on your own. The better you know your own body, the better chance you have of learning what sets you off. Failing that give me a call.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

After I have sex my feet tingle. Whats happening? Bad circulation? Return of blood to my feet?

Daniel, New Hampshire

Let me ask you something: Are you one of those blokes who likes to wear ladies underwear? Because I once knew a girl who wore tights during a game of hide-the-sausage, and her feet fell asleep halfway through. Maybe thats your problem. Either that, or get rid of the ropes and the ballgag, and dont do it hanging upside down next time.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time. To spice up our sex life, hes suggested a threesome with one of his college mates. Does this make him gay?

Anonymous

Call me a boring old turd, but Ive always preferred sex when its done on a one-at-a-time basis. With more than one dick swinging around the place, you might end up with a black eye, orGod forbidgetting one of em stuck in the wrong place. To answer your question, though, it sounds to me more like your boyfriends bi, not gay. Then again, his buddy might be gay. You could spend the evening with nothing to do but watch two hairy blokes go at it hammer and tongs, which wouldnt be much fun. And what if you end up liking the other guy more than your boyfriend? Trust me, threesomes might look good on telly, but theyre usually more trouble than theyre worth.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My friend and Iboth married menhave been reliving old times by going out drinking and chatting up women, but stopping before any actual infidelity takes place. We call them dry runs, because they give us the thrill of the chase without breaking any rules.

Is this wrong?

Michael, London

Playing with matches is a lot of fun, Michael, but at some point your wigs gonna catch fire. Theres just no way this can end well for you. One night youll have too many drinks, youll do a dry run on a woman whose beautiful and single, shell make the first move, and before you know it, youll be signing your divorce papers. Youre creating temptation for yourself, which means trouble is only two steps behind. Get a lapdance if youre desperate for a quick thrill, or better yet, take the missus away for a dirty weekend.




DR. OZZYS INSANE-BUT-TRUE STORIES


If You Think Human Sex Is Weird

&#9830;When a male bee, or drone, gets lucky, his balls literally fall off inside the virgin queen. This stops her getting knocked up by anyone else. It also hurts.

&#9830;If you think human blokes have it bad, spare a thought for male giraffes. For starters, sex is limited to a two-week period every year (the only time females are up for it). And it aint exactly much to look forward to, anyway: before any action takes places, the female has to make absolutely sure that her mate is Mr Right. She does this by pissing on his face.

&#9830;Female hyenas dont just wear the trousers in their relationshipsthey even get boners. Thats cos they have a pseudopenis, which is basically a massive clitoris. I bet they have hairy armpits, too.

&#9830;Male bedbugs have gotta be the biggest bastards out there in the sex department. Instead of courting the female, or even bothering to give her a cuddle and feel her up a bit, he just stabs her in the chest with his spiky dick. Biologists have a term for it: traumatic insemination. Its just fucking lazy, if you ask me.




Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I have an annoying habit of popping the champagne cork before the party gets under way. Ive tried slowing down, and/or mentally re-tiling the kitchen to take my mind off things during the process, but no luck, alas. Any advice gratefully received.

Jezz, Hertfordshire

Is this code for something? This is Dr. Ozzy youre writing to, not the Archbishop of fucking Canterbury, so for Gods sake spit it out, man. If you mean what I think you mean, why not just get on with it quicker? Itll give you and the missus more time to do the garden.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I have just turned 68 and have the opposite problem to your premature cork popper the other week. It doesnt matter how racy my thoughtssay, Jennifer Aniston in a maids outfitI still end up pumping away when the missus is ready for a cigarette.

What can I do?

Dave, Wales

They have a word for this: Anorgasmia. Theres also another term, and its called being 68 years old. Unfortunately, as blokes get on a bit, everything to do with sex becomes difficult. If its any consolation, the most exciting thing that happens in my bedroom most nights is an episode of Law & Order. Having said that, you should get your prostate checked out, and also ask your doctor about the side-effects of any drugs youre taking. Of course, you could also just be bored. Try thinking about Courteney Cox instead.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I have an embarrassing fetish (its surprisingly common). I want my girlfriend to put me in a diaper and treat me like a big baby. My girlfriend and I are compatible in every way, but Im terrified to ask her about this. What would you do?

Anonymous, USA

This ones a bit far-out even for Dr. Ozzy. I mean, theres plenty of time later in life to wear adult nappies, so why speed it up? Having said that, I had the opposite problem to you in my drinking days: Sharon was always telling me to wear nappies, cos I used to piss in the bed so often. I also used to shit my pants on a fairly regular basis, which aint very fucking nice. I suppose if you start doing the same thing, your girlfriend might make the same suggestion, saving you the whole I want to be a big baby conversation.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Im 29 years old and have become increasingly dependant on seriously hardcore porn to get turned on. Is this going to ruin my performance with real women?

Anonymous, USA

No. Women didnt stop getting knocked up when the internet was inventedalthough maybe their husbands dont pester them for sex as much, cos now theyve got online filth on demand, 24 hours a day. The trouble is, even the XXX stuff gets boring very quickly: its not like theres ever a surprise fucking ending. The trick is to ration your exposure, not try and find stronger and stronger stuff. If it ever gets to the point where theres crapping or donkeys involved, trust me, youve gone too far. Otherwise stop worrying.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Ive just returned from a bachelor party in Las Vegas. Being married with kids, however, Im concerned that the stripper with whom I, er, relaxed in a private booth might have given me oral herpeswe didnt do anything improper, although she did feed me strawberries and cream, mouth to mouth. Any words of wisdom?

Brian, Warrington

Forget oral herpes, Brian, it sounds to me like youve come down with a classic case of married mans guilt. Thats the problem with strippers: they dont just take your dough, they also make you feel like the worst husband in the world the next morning. And if you think strippers are bad, by the way, try groupies: I used to get so out of my mind with guilt, Id be down the doctors office every day of the week, thinking I had some new disease. Then Id finally break down, tell Sharon everything, and Id get a houseplant over the back of my head, which meant another visit to the doctors. As for the good old herpes: your GP will give you a test to see if youve got it, but the virus can lie dormant for years, so thered be no telling if it was from the stripper or, say, an unwashed glass you picked up in a pub. I used to get outbreaks myself when I was stressed out or tired, but I havent had any for years. One thing I wouldnt recommend is confessing to your missus. Believe me, itll only make your life worse.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Out of the blue, my husband has suggested bringing another woman into our bedroom, to liven things a bit up after twenty years of marriage. Im not keen. What do you think?

Susan, Dundee

Sounds fair enough to meas long as whats good for the goose is good for the gander. If your husband gets to bring Debbie from accounts to bed, then you should be able to bring along Dave from marketing. But that raises the obvious fucking question: if you both want to sleep with other people in your own home, what are you still doing together?



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Ive noticed that I cant last as long in bed with my girlfriend as I could when we first started going out with each other three months ago. Now Im worried that if I dont fix this, she might leave me for someone who can fully please her. Any advice?

Ethan [no address given]

Send her to me! Seriously though, Ethan, this kind of thing is a big problem when youre a rock star. I remember one time when me and the guys from Black Sabbath were staying at a Holiday Inn in America, three groupies came to my roomone after the other. Youd have to be superhuman not to run out of steam during a session like that, especially after number two (and its not like there was any Viagra around in those days). Fortunately I was a young man, so I activated the Special Reserve Tank and finished the job. But youve gotta bear in mind: that was just one wild night, which aint exactly the same as a long-term relationship. When it goes to a steady girlfriend, its natural that things simmer down a bit over time. Wait until youre married: youll be in and out within five minutes while your missus is still doing the crossword.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

A friend recently showed me some photos on his mobile of him boning a very hot girl. The problem is, the girl is a good friend of mine. Should I tell her what hes doing, or keep my mouth shut? I guess what Im asking is, are you a bros before hos kinda guy?

Sean, New York

Send me the pictures and Ill decide. Seriously, though, this aint a question of some bullshit code of male honor. If shes a friend, and you want her to stay your friendtell her. Simple as that.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Im 54 years old and sex mad. Does the lust ever fade?

Pete, Fife

If youre a red-blooded man, I firmly believe that the only time youll ever get any peace from down below is when youre in the ground. Until then, the second brain below your waist is gonna be making its own decisions, whether you like it or not. I mean, Im almost 62 years old, and I still love a good old game of Wheres the Salami? Getting anyone to play it with me is another matter entirely. Luckily, as you get older, your memory goes, so if you see a sexy woman and start to feel randy, you cant remember what it was you were excited about five minutes later. That makes things a lot easier.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Whats the nicest way to let a girl know she smells bad, especially, uh, yknowdown there?

Ron, Indiana

Try throwing up during sex. As they say, actions speak louder than words.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Is it ever acceptable for a married man to get a lap dance at a strip club?

Louise, Morecambe

If youre gonna tell your wife about itno. If youre gonna NOT tell your wife about ityes. But theyre stupid places, strip clubs. I know people who spend most of their lives in them, like kids in a toy shop. Ive never seen the attraction, personally. I mean, every female performer in a titty joint has been up close and personal with about ten other guys in the same night. How is that a turn-on? If someones so desperate to see a pair of naked breasts, I suggest they buy a copy of Playboy and save themselves $500.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Im a 28-year-old virgin (ouch). I recently met a girl and we tried to make lovebut I couldnt finish. She accused me of indulging in solitary pleasures and wearing the big chap out. Is this possible? We tried again in the morning but my problems just got worse, and I couldnt even achieve match fitness. Whats wrong with me?

Chris, Reading

This could just be nerves, Chris. Also, if you were drinking before your first attempt, that might have stopped you from reaching the fireworks ceremony. Then again, maybe you are wearing the big chap outyou dont exactly seem to be denying it, do you? So my advice to you is calm down, dont drink beforehand, and cut out the five-knuckle shuffles.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My husbanda builderhas always enjoyed it when Im dominant in the bedroom, but the other day he asked me to call him a good little girl while we were making love. Should I be worried, or do all men have weird fantasies?

Jill, Huddersfield

Look, a lot of guys have strange things that get them going, but this ones a bit of cause for alarm, dont you think? I mean, if Sharon asked me to start calling her a big bad boy in the bedroom, Id probably jump out the fucking window, screaming. Having said that, if you dont mind saying it, and he enjoys hearing it, then good luck to you both. Just make sure to keep a close eye on your underwear drawer, cos my guess is that when you leave the house in the morning your mister probably becomes a missus



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Im in a serious relationship, but Ive been thinking about going to one of those rubntug massage parlours. Given that (a) my girlfriend will never know, (b) theres no chance of picking up an STD, and (c) it doesnt seem wrong, is there any reason I shouldnt?

Jacob, Riverside, California

A handjob is a very personal thing, and after a lifetime of practise, most blokes get a pretty fucking specific preference for the kind of technique they like. So unless youre acting as a co-pilot and barking out instructions to your dodgy masseuse every two seconds, it might end up feeling more like shes skinning a dead rabbit than driving you wild with forbidden pleasure. In fact, it sounds to me like youve already built this up in your head to the point where its gonna be an expensive disappointment. You also aint factored in guilt. Its all very well you telling Dr. Ozzy that it doesnt seem wrong to hire an extra pair of hands to help out in the monkey-spanking department, but Im afraid to say that if youre anything like me, your conscience wont agree.



IV: ROMANCE



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My girlfriend bites my lip when we kiss. She thinks this is sexy, but actually it really hurtsits so bad now, I try to avoid making out. How can I tell her this without hurting her feelings and/or looking like a wimp who cant take a bit of rough foreplay?

Giles, Fulham

Say to her: If youre hungry, Ill get you a sandwich. Seriously, you aint a wimp for not wanting to go to bed with Jaws every night. Ive never understood people who get off on being in pain. I mean, lifes hard enough as it is, so why turn the simple pleasure of getting your end away into something that involves ballgags and piano wire? Try biting her back, and see how she likes it. (If it turns her on, you might have a problem.)



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My boyfriend hates all the television shows I watch, and when he criticises them (loudly and every night), it makes me feel like an idiot for wanting a bit of mindless distraction after a hard day at work. Does this mean I should break up with him?

Katy, Somerset

If couples broke up cos they didnt like the same kind of telly, the divorce rate would quadruple overnight. Men and womens brains are wired differently, so chances are, you aint gonna want to watch a documentary on Gulf War tanks, and he aint gonna want to watch some slurpy tear-jerker of a makeover show. You need to either take it in turns to watch your favourite shows; buy a second telly; or sit down, make a list of the stuff you both enjoy, and program the DVR accordingly. As for your boyfriend making you feel like an idiothe probably just thinks hes as entitled to relax with something he enjoys after a hard day at work as you are. And Ive gotta admit, Im guilty of the same thing. Im always saying to Sharon, You aint watching that fucking crap again, are you?! Luckily theres always one thing on we both like: the news.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

As a 30-year-old devout religious Roman Catholic virgin, I am finally considering playing the field until I find that special someone in my life. Is this morally and socially acceptable in the modern world?

Ryan, County Armagh

I think its very admirable to hold out that long, cos its so rare these days. At the same time, I have to say if I hadnt been laid by the time I was your age, Id be asking myself, Whats wrong? I mean, I was 15 when I lost my virginity, and I was so randy, it felt like my underpants were about to explode. Another problem with holding out is that if you do finally marry someone, what happens if you discover that you dont like making love to them? You dont want to marry for lust, eithercos youll spend more time washing the dishes with your other half than you will between the sheets. So my prescription for you is to have one bonk, three times a day, for two weeks. Doctors orders.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My girlfriend and I are talking about marriage. Shes awesome, except for one thing: she gives the worlds worst head. I mean, really bad. Is this a good enough reason to move on and find another wife? A life of sub-par BJs seems like a life not worth living.

Guy, Colorado

Look, I know blowjobs are quite nice, but lifes not all about blowjobs. And theres always a tradeofffor men and women. You could dump this girl and end up with a fianc&#233; whos amazing at blowjobs but smells like a three-day-old fucking haddock. More important than that, Miss Fellatio USA might be a royal pain in the arse, never help around the house, and end up going down on your best mate while youre away on a business trip. Why not think of something youre girlfriends good at, and concentrate on that?



Dear Dr. Ozzy,

I have a rather pushy, much older, single (unattractive) neighbour who has strongly hinted at us having a romantic relationship. Im not interested in the slightest, but hes not getting the message, and every time I pass him in the street he races up to me. Hes also started to become (inappropriately) touchy-feely. I dont want to fall out with himhes my neighbourbut short of sprinting away when I see him, do I have any other option?

Katie (no address given)

It sounds to me like hes the kind of guy who wont give up no matter what you say, so if youve already tried the nice way, nows the time to tell him, Look, what part of fuck off dont you understand? I mean, no-one wants to fall out with their neighbour, but at the same time, you also dont want to be creeping out of your own front door, and diving into the hedgerow if you see him coming. Why should you have to live like that, when youre not the one with a problem? Make it clear: Theres no chance, there never will be a chance, and if you touch me again Ill take out a restraining order.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Ive just finished college and moved back in with my mum but now Ive developed feelings for her (younger) boyfriend, to the point where we flirt and hang out all the time. Should I come clean with my mom, or leave it alone? I didnt mean for this to happen!

Katy, Oklahoma

You do realize that its every blokes fantasy to get a mother and her daughter into the sack, dont you? Check out the internet if you dont believe me. I mean, if this guy gets into your pants after humping your mum, hes gonna be bragging about it for the rest of his life. If youre okay with that, sleep with him. If youd rather have true love, then you should come clean about whats going on to your mumand kick this creep out of the house.




DR. OZZYS INCREDIBLY HELPFUL TIPS


Rules of Romance

&#9830;Guys: When trying to get your partner into the sack, avoid phrases like meat thermometer, one-eyed yogurt slinger, and cheesy bratwurst. At least until youre married.

&#9830;Girls: they say a home-cooked meal is the way to mans heart. So are blowjobs, and they take a lot less time. You wont need a Jamie Oliver cookbook, either.

&#9830;Guys: Always pay. Or steal, and pretend you paid.[8 - Might not be legal where you live.] Women: always offer to pay, even if youd dump the guy in a heartbeat if he made you do it.

&#9830;Both sexes: Make sure to buy little gifts for your partner at unexpected moments. That way, when you forget a birthday, youll get less of a bollocking.





Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I finally married my girlfriend last year after a decade together. Now she wants kids (her clock is ticking!), but Im terrified of the thought. What should I do?

Anonymous, USA

Get a dog. That should buy you a year or so. To be brutally honest, though, you should have thought about what she wanted before putting a ring on her finger. Now youve gotta be a man and live with the consequences. Who knows? Maybe youll enjoy being a dad.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My girlfriend hasnt had sex with me for monthsshes always too tired after work. Is our relationship dead? What can I do to make her interested in a game of hide-the-sausage?

Adam, Brooklyn

Romance, Adam. You need a bit of romance. That includes not using phrases like hide the sausage. As Ive always said to Sharon, there are 24 hours in a day, so it shouldnt be so hard to make sure you spend at least one of them with each other. Go on a date. Have dinner together. Or put on a wig and a false beard, check into a B&B, and shag the shit out of each other, like youre having an affair. Maybe the fact she isnt going to bed with you is a form of protest. Maybe she just wants more excitement in her life.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My boyfriend and I have split up a few times but keep getting back togetherwe cant live apart! Recently, though, the excitement we had six months ago has vanished (especially for him). If ending it all isnt an option, how can we get the spark back?

Mary, Kent (17 years old)

Listen: at the age of 17, your excitement level is gonna be going up and down like a fiddlers elbow. Just give it some time. Most teenage relationships dont last. Then again, Ive also known people who met each other at your age and lived happily ever after for the rest of their lives. (Ive also known people who lived together for ten years, got married, then immediately got divorced.) The important thing is to always be yourself. If your boyfriend doesnt find that exciting enough, then believe me, he aint worth the effort.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

After about a year of dating my girlfriend, Ive finally realized that I enjoy jerking off more than sleeping with her. Is this fucked up? Should I break the news to her?

Scott, Connecticut

Lets face it: its hard to beat a good old five-knuckle shuffle. For a start, you dont have to take your right hand out for dinner before itll get down to business. It also doesnt care if you last five minutes or five secondsand it aint gonna demand an earth-shaking climax of its own. Admitting this to your girlfriend is whole different thing, though. If shes anything like my own wife, I would advise against itunless you want to be kicked so hard in the balls, you wont be able to knock one out again for the next ten years.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I have been with my beautiful wife for twenty years, and our sex life has always been wonderfulbut instead of making love every day, like we used to, its now just two or three times a week. Im starting to worry if its me or herand if, as Im getting older, my desire is fading (Im 65). Please help, this is such a huge part of my life.

Howard, London

Three times a weekat the age of 65?! Come back to me when its three times a year. Seriously, man you aint in a bad place. You need to enjoy yourself while you still can and stop moaning.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Im a 42-year-old single man who lives with his mother. Worse than that, Im a bedwetter. Im convinced its the reason why Ive never had the confidence to ask a girl out on a date. Please help.

Terry, Lancaster

As Ive said before, I used to be a bedwetter when I was still drinking. My wife Sharon would have to put on a life jacket when she went to sleep at night. It wasnt the just bed, either: Id take a leak in the wardrobe, over the edge of the balcony, in the fridge-freezer, you name it. Eventually I went to my doctor and said, Look, I dont want to p*** the bed, but I dont want to stop drinking. He told me, You can have one or the other, but not both. So if youre a drinker: stop. In the meantime, go and see your GP. You aint gonna tell him anything he aint heard before, and this is worth checking out.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

One of my old boyfriends (he dumped me) has just become engaged to a very wealthy, very good-looking, and very well-known French woman. I know its not healthy, but Im obsessing over it. In your experience, whats the best cure for a jealous heart?

Katherine, Rugby

You could always do what I did when I was dumped by a girl at Silver Blades ice rink in Birmingham: I got the word out to her friends that I was so upset, I was gonna emigrate to Australia (it was a ten-quid offer they were promoting in the travel agents at the time). It was all bullshit: I didnt even have ten pennies in those days, never mind ten quid. But she had me back anyway. Then I realised I didnt like her that much to begin with. Thats the funny thing with jealousy: its not about wanting something cos itll make you happyits about wanting something cos youve been told you cant have it.



Dear Ozzy,

My ex-boyfriend left me for my best friend last summer. Just to rub salt in the wound, I recently found out that he proposed a year to the day after breaking up with me. Im now considering sending them a steaming bag of shit as a wedding gift. Should I do this, or let karma run its course?

Ashley, New Jersey

Think of it this way, Ashley: your steaming bag of shit IS his karma. Having said that, if youre gonna send crap in the mail, take a leaf out of my wifes book, and do it right: put it in a ziplock bag inside of a Tiffanys box. Everyone loves to get a Tiffanys boxwhich makes the thought of them untying the ribbon and bow to find a fresh dump inside even more satisfying.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

A really good friend of mine went on a couple of dates with a very minor celebrity. Each time it felt like a Bachelor episode, because he never made a move. Now, a month laterunder a lot of pressurehes confessed he has herpes. She still wants to date him, but in my opinion he cant be trusted. Whos right here?

Diana, California

Are you absolutely sure he has herpes? I might be wrong, but I dont think most guys would mention the H-word at allespecially not after two datesunless they had a raging attack of it that was making their balls glow florescent green. To me, it seems like he might be using it as an excuse to cover up an even deeper secret. I mean, you never know: maybe he has a boyfriend on the side, and doesnt want to sleep with your friend at all.



Dear Dr. Ozzy,

Im a heterosexual manhonestlybut found myself becoming stimulated in the most embarrassing way while getting a Swedish rub-down from a male masseuse. Even worse: it was a couples massage, and my wife was lying next to me. She noticed, and hasnt talked to me since. What can I say to her to make this better?

Eric, Melrose

Oh, Eric. You could always say to your wife, Ive never kissed a manbut I might have kissed a man who has. Seriously, though I suppose the question is, would your wife have been more or less pissed off if youd reacted in the same way to a female masseuse? If you think she might have been cooler with it, you could always tell her it was the thought of a menage-a-trois that set you off, not the big glistening hunk of love muscle who was stimulating your deep tissue. Actually, no, dont do that. All I can say is that in future, you might want to try avoiding other blokes when youre down the parlour. Personally, I couldnt think of anything more uncomfortable than being oiled down by some ex-Chippendale while Kenny G plays in the background. Dont get me wrong: I aint got nothing against the gay community. But when someone says the word Swedish to me, I think Ingrid Bergman, not Bjorn Borg.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Im still friends with benefits with my ex-boyfriend, even though he now has a new girlfriendthe same girl he cheated on me with for almost a year and a half. Should I tell her what the hell has been going on, since he hasnt had the balls to be honest?

Rudy, South Carolina

If youre looking for revenge, go ahead. But dont kid yourselfit sounds to me like this is a play to get him back. You might also want to consider that if hes cheated on you, and cheated on her, hes probably screwing a few other people, too. I mean, the bloke doesnt exactly sound like the faithful type. My advice would be to find a new guy and move on.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My girlfriends fatherRussian, ex-militarylikes to get me drunk on vodka then take me to his banya (sauna) where we strip naked and he whips me with birch leaves. Is this weird?

Adam, New York

If some birds dad ever tried to get me naked and start whipping me with somethingbirch or otherwisehed get a punch on the fucking nose. Getting boozed up in a sauna aint a very clever idea, either although I used to do it all the time at my old house in Staffordshire. Id always take special precautions, mind you: before putting any water on the coals, Id always top-off my lager with a splash of lemonade. A lemonade top, we used to call it. (Not the same thing as a shandy, which is half-and-half.) One other thing, Adam: generally speaking, any kind of physical activity in hot, steamy conditions is best avoided, unless youre using the sauna to have a quickie with the nanny, which I once did, long ago. In that case, an exception can be made.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I wish my girlfriend were better endowed. Would it be rude to suggest a boob job? (Id pay for it.)

Stan, Cheshire

The good thing about being Dr. Ozzy is that I sometimes get the opportunity to save lives. Stan, count yourself lucky, cos thats what Im about to do: under NO circumstances EVER bring this up with your girlfriend. If I made this suggestion to Sharon, believe me, the Osbourne crown jewels would end up halfway up my oesophagus. And to be honest I wouldnt blame her. I mean, imagine if the situation was reversed, and your girlfriend asked you to get an enlargement of your own? How would that feel? If its really that important to you, dump the girl and find yourself a Page 3 model.



Dear Dr. Ozzy,

Whats the best way to make a woman sleep with you?

Jake, New York

I always had a great chat-line up for the women. After a night out, Id say, Can I come back to your house and watch your telly? It was brilliant, cos it made it sound like all I wanted to do was catch up on the News at Ten, when in fact I was planning to get them into the sack. No-one ever fell for it, though. Most of the time they just went, I aint got a telly.



III: BALLCARE



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

This might sound strange, but Ive noticed that when I stare at my testicles for a long time, they seem to move by all themselves is this normal? Its freaking me out!

Jason (13 years old), Kent

Its normal. If they start moonwalking, you might have a problem but they definitely move on their own, cos theyre surrounded by a layer of jelly and, as everyone knows whos looked at a bowl of jelly before, it tends to wobble around a lot for no good reason. On a separate note: you might want to spend less time staring at your testicles.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

The skin on my penis has cracked due to (solo) over-use. Is this normal? If so, how can I make it heal?

Anonymous, New York

Its called friction. Rub the skin on your elbow ten times a day and youll have exactly the same problem. Give your Upstanding Citizen a break for a while, then invest in some lubrication.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Ive been contacted by a very friendly woman on the internet who tells me that male enhancement surgeryie, phalloplastyis risk-free and guaranteed to make me a hero in bed. Should I proceed?

Larry, California

No. Next question



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Im an uncircumcised 16 year old and cant retract my foreskin. Im stressing out about it, but cant face going to a doctor (which would mean telling my parents). What can I do?

Mark, Birmingham

First of all, under no circumstances start messing around with it yourself. Second: I appreciate that its embarrassing, but the best thing to do is have a quiet word with your dad, or if youve got one, an older brother. Bear in mind that your old man probably changed a few of your nappies when you were little, so you aint showing him anything he hasnt seen a million times already. The same goes for your doctor: believe me, people have far worse problems than a sticky foreskin (which has gotta be pretty common). Just pluck up the courage and get it over with, cos itll seem like nothing as soon its done.




DR. OZZYS AMAZING MEDICAL MISCELLANY


What Every Man Should Know

&#9830;Blue balls is a real condition. Its a kind of cramp that happens when you have a woody for a long time but never get to the fireworks ceremony. Another interesting fact: no female in medical history has ever accepted blue balls as a reason for a bonk.

&#9830;The average guy gets an average of five boners every night. If the average guy is anything like me, he also gets an average of zero shags.

&#9830;One ejaculation contains up to 400 million sperm. Im guessing it was a woman who counted em, cos the bloke would have been fast asleep.

&#9830;With quick treatment, the survival rate for testicular cancer is about 95 percent. The trick is to check your balls regularly for lumps. Dont do it during business meetings or at dentists appointments, though.





Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Ive heard that regular ejaculations are important to keep the prostate healthy as one gets older. As there is a history of prostate cancer in my family, would a regular cleaning out of the system be a good idea, purely from a health point of view? If so, how often?

Andy, Beaconsfield

Youre absolutely right, Andy. I recommend a vigorous spring cleaning once a day. Its best done in private, but if youre caught, mention the words preventative medicine and youll be fine.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I saw a yellow spongy froth come out of my 54-year-old boyfriends penis during ejaculation. He says its been three years since he had sex. Could it be rusty pipes? Im a 38-year-old woman, and Ive seen a lotbut Ive never seen that before!

Haydee, Fleetwood, New York

Listen, Haydee: If I had yellow spongy frothy shit coming out of my dick, I wouldnt be writing to Dr. OzzyId be running to the fucking hospital! Its a cause for alarm, dont you think? It reminds me of when I was younger, and this school friend of mine started to piss sperm. You aint never seen anything like it. We were all looking at him, our jaws on the floor, going, Is this what happens when you reach 13? Is that his life supplygone? Ive no idea what happened to that kid, but I hope he got it checked out. But back to your question: you could always get your boyfriend to knock a few out by himself, to see if the problem really is rusty pipes, but, personally, Id be making a date with my local dick doctorand not wasting any time about it, either.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Do men really suffer shrinkage in their private area after going swimming (especially in cold water)? If so, what sort of percentage reduction is normal50 per cent? More?

Felicity, Muswell Hill

Yes, shrinkage is very real, and very upsetting. I dont know about the percentage, though: Ive never thought to get out my slide rule and calculator when its happened to me. Also, in case youre wondering, hot water doesnt have the reverse effectotherwise youd see guys walking around with electric kettles swinging from their underpants.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Ive decided I dont want any more kids, so Ive asked my doc to give me the snip. Good idea?

David, Edinburgh

There are a lot of ways to avoid having kids that dont involve surgery. Also, the thing youve gotta remember about a vasectomy is that you cant undo itwell, you can, but it aint easy. Im speaking from experience here: in the 1980s, whenever I came back from a tour, Id get Sharon pregnant, to the point when she had our three kidsAimee, Kelly, and Jackin three years on the trot. Shed had enough of being the size of a semi-detached house by then, so I went to my doc and told him to get out his sharpest pair of scissors and do what was necessary. The op was fine, although I had a bit of swelling afterwards (Doc, can you make it not go away, I said). The real problem came a few weeks later, when Sharon got all broody again. So I had to go back to the doc and ask him to unsnip me. I wish you lot would bloody make your minds up! he said to me. Anyway, whatever it was he did to glue my tubes back together obviously didnt work, cos there werent any more little Osbournes after that.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Last month I noticed that in my right testicle, there seem to be two balls instead of one. I dont have any pain, thoughshould I see my GP?

Saif, London

Yes, immediately. It could be something, or it could be nothingbut if you feel any kind of strange lump in your balls, you cant ignore it, because it could be life-threatening. Testicular cancer is a lot more common than youd think. A good friend of mine had it: they put some of his man-juice in a jarin case he wanted to have kids latergot the scissors of doom out, then gave him a blast of chemo, just to be on the safe side. Im not trying to be funny, cos it aint. And Im not saying youve got cancer, either. But in a case like this, dont mess around, man. Forget Dr. Ozzy. Go and see a real doctor.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Im pretty sure I have a much-smaller-than-average penis. As a result, Im scared of talking to girls and am thinking of getting enlargement surgery. Is this a good idea?

Hugh, New Mexico

Look, if it aint broke, dont try to fix itcos the only thing worse than a very small penis is a very small penis that shoot blanks and looks like some mutant fucking eel from outer space. I mean, just think of the shit that could go wrong, man. Those plastic surgeon guys couldnt even get Michael Jacksons face right, so why would you entrust them with your dick? I certainly wouldnt believe the ads they send you on e-mail. Believe me: if that stuff really worked, thered be lines around the block. My advice? Steer clear.



Dr. Ozzys Trivia Quiz: Sexy Beast: #qa10


Find the answersand tote up your scorehere: #q1

1. If your partner has a headache before sex, whats the best natural cure?

a) A game of hide-the-sausage

b) An early night and plenty of sleep

c) A neck massage


2. If a girl has a fling with a guy who says he has diphallia, what should she expect between the sheets?

a) Delayed ejaculation

b) A micropenis

c) Double the pleasure


3. When a 22-year-old student from California auctioned her virginity in 2009, how much did she get?

a) $50,000

b) A packet of fags and a box of Maltesers

c) $3.8 million


4. During the Honen Matsuri festival in Japan, what do 12 men carry through the streets?

a) A naked woman

b) A 96-inch wooden schlong

c) A ceremonial bowl of human sperm


5. A bloke in the Wodaabe tribe of Central Africa will find a wife by

a) Putting on a skirt and taking part in a beauty contest

b) Arm-wrestling the potential brides father

c) Showing the size of his woody to the towns elders



The Pharmacology Section

11





What They Dont Print on the Label

I might know fuck all about molecules, equations, or the periodic table, but I do know something about chemicalsmainly cos I was off my nut on them for the best part of 40 years. Things have changed a lot since my junkie days, though. Back in the 1970s, for example, you needed a dodgy dealer and a wad of cash to get your hands on any mind-altering substances. These days, its all legal. As long as youve got a prescription, its considered perfectly acceptable to be stoned out of your mind 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The problem is, people are happy to empty all these jars of pills down their neck without ever reading the labelsprobably cos the warnings are all written by lawyers and say crazy things like, Side-effects might include DEATH. Thats where Dr. Ozzy comes in. If you want a straight answer about a medication, why not ask someone whos taken everything?

Just bear in mind, though: before putting any drug in your bodyeven if its completely legityou should always talk to someone first who didnt used to be in Black Sabbath. As for all those people who are still using illegal drugs in one way or the other, all I can say is, Been there, done that, and I honestly pray to God I never go back there again. I mean, yeah, some of it was fun at the time. So is driving your car at 150 mph on the wrong side of the road. The trouble is, sooner of later, therell be an 18-wheeler coming round the corner in the opposite direction. And that wont be any fun at all.



I: UPPERS



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I work at a high-energy law firm and recently got myself a prescription for Adderall to boost my work performance. Thing is, Im totally not ADD. Is this cheating at life?

Anonymous

It really depends how much youre taking. If youre necking a handful of the stuff a time, then you might as well go to work on a gram of fucking cocaine. And as time goes by, youll get a tolerance to it, and youll have to keep taking more and more, until you end up sitting there in your cubicle with your eyes bugging out like a fucking nutter and clutching at your chest every five seconds, cos you think youre about to have a heart attack. That aint cheating at lifethats fast-tracking yourself to an early death. Personally, I have a genuine case of ADD, but I give my Adderall to my assistant Tony, otherwise Id be pouring the stuff in my coffee and sprinkling it on my cornflakes. The fact that youre even writing to me about this suggests you know youve got a problem.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I suspect that my brother has started to take cocaine when he goes out clubbing at the weekend. Im terribly worried about him. What are the risks involved?

Susan, West Yorks

Youre right to worry. When you start taking heavy-duty amounts of cocaine, this white gunk starts to trickle down the back of your throat, and you find yourself doing that phlegm-clearing thing all the time: like a sniff, but deeper and gunkier. And that puts a lot of stress on your epiglottis, or clack, as Ive always called it. When I was doing a lot of coke in the 1970s, I was clearing away phlegm so often, I ended up tearing my clack in half. I was lying in bed at the time, and I just felt it flop down inside the back of my throat. Then it swelled up to the size of a golf ball and I had to go to the doc and explain myself. Luckily he had some pills for itbut I was so paranoid from the coke, I thought Id never sing again. So as much fun as your brother might be having now, Susan, Id advise him to stop while hes ahead, cos a coke habit never ends well.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I recently went to Brazil and saw the most unbelievably graphic health warnings on the back of cigarette packetsdead babies, gangrenous feet, amputees, etc. Do you think these kind of scare tactics work, or are they so over-the-top, they do the opposite?

Don, Greenwich

The fact that anyone can puff and cough their way through a packet of smokes while staring at a picture of a foot-wide throat tumour just goes to show how addictive those fucking things are. I swear, if someone invented nicotine today, it would be in the same class as heroinand I say that as someones whose smoked cigarettes AND taken heroin. I remember being so hooked on tobacco, Id pick butts up off the floor and smoke them. Disgusting, man. The thing is, though, when they start printing those kind of horrific pictures on the cartonslike kids corpses and whateveryouve gotta ask yourself, why the hell are they selling that shit in the first place? At some point theyve either gotta ban the things or let people get on with killing themselves.



Dear Dr. Ozzy,

My 46-year-old son inherited an addictive personality from his father (who was a big drinker), and has somehow ended up with a crack habit. Worse: when I went away on holiday recently, he burgled my house for drug money, leaving his DNA all over the place. I feel terrible. Why do you think hes doing this? Is it a cry for help ?

Jeanette, Coventry

You answered your own question at the very beginningno, its not a cry for help, your son is an addict. He just wants his drug. Its as simple as that. A lot of people might find it hard to believe, but addiction is an illness, similar to having any other kind of mental disorder, and no-one can really help you until you decide for yourself that its time to pack it in. That aint much comfort when the person who used to be your little angel takes up the crackpipe, though. The first thing Id do is sit him down and tell him you know exactly what the deal is. Then give one last chance: I can help you get over this, or I can let the police handle it, and you can go to prison. If he wants your support, find a helpline or a drugs counselling service and take it from there. If he wants to be a crackhead, there aint much you can do. At this point, tough love is the only option.




OZZYS AMAZING MEDICAL MISCELLANY


Up, Up and Away

&#9830;Back in the 1880s, an American doc called William Halsted realised that if you shot yourself up with cocaine, it worked like an anaesthetic. Unfortunately it also makes you a raging fucking coke-headwhich is why you dont get to snort a line before having your appendix out. The guy ended up trying to cure his own habit with morphine which just made him a coke head and a smack-head.

&#9830;Sigmund Freud recommended cocaine as a treatment for depression, alcoholism, morphine addiction and just about anything else he could think of. Mind you, coke was all the rage back then. You could even get bottles of cocaine wineone of the greatest inventions in the history of Mankind. The drink was taken off the market in 1886, though, cos of prohibition. So they replaced it with a non-alcoholic version called Coca-Cola. Six years later, the cocaine was taken out, too.

&#9830;During World War II, soldiers on all sides were speeding their balls off half the timeuntil generals realised that theres no point being able to march 300 miles in five minutes if you spend the next week bugging the fuck out from paranoia. If you believe some reports, even Hitler was taking methamphetamine eight times a day.

&#9830;Speaking of meth, its gotta be one of the scariest fucking uppers of all timeeven though in the 1940s, it was approved as a treatment for everything from hay fever to narcolepsy. One of the worst side-effects is meth mouth, which causes your teeth to turn black and fall out. To make the stuff, meanwhile, labs use everything from brake cleaner to laptop batteries, fertilizer, cat litter and road flares. It aint exactly organic, put it that way.





Dr. Dr. Ozzy:

Are energy drinks mixed with booze a safer (and legal) alternative to cocaine?

Lizzy, London

Good question, but I dont know the answer, cos whenever I drank energy drinks with booze, I was on cocaine, too. As an addict, its all the fucking same. Yknow, if people like messing themselves up, finebut it didnt end well for me. One thing I will say is that when addicts give up the booze and drugs, caffeine is often the only thing left for them to take. Ive heard of people mixing Diet Coke and Red Bull and topping up their glass throughout the day. You see those same guys at AA meetings, huddled around the coffee machine, twitching. Its sad, man. But the most unnatural thing for any addict is to not be getting high. Anything will do. I suppose Im lucky that Ive got music to take my mind off things. And my family, and my 17 precious dogs and my English tea.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

How did you manage to quit smoking? Ive tried everything: patches, gum, cold turkey, and pills, but it isnt working for me. Its driving me insane. Please tell me your secretand remember, not all of us have the money for fancy doctors!

Greg, USA

Its simple: youve gotta make your mind up. Id stop, Id start, Id stop again, Id put the patch on, take the patch off, put it on again, smoke with the patch, stop again, try the gum, smoke with the patch and the gum I even tried hypnosis at one point. I loved smoking. Cigarettes, pipes, cigarsanything. I smoked so much I set my house on fire on more than one occasion. For a while I used to roll my own: Id make 25 in one go, put them in a box, and smoke em through the night. I couldnt go for a walk without a cigarette, make a call without a cigarette, do anything without a cigarette. Then one day I had a conversation with myself: Do you really want to stop, Ozzy, or do you want to keep going? You cant do both, so make a fucking decision. What swung it for me is the fact that Im a singer: if I wanted to carry on entertaining people I had to quit. So one day I went home, threw my pack on the fire, and Ive never smoked since. That was eight years ago. I dont crave them any more, but every so often Ill have a twinge. I just let it go, yknow? Because I aint under any illusions: if I have just one cigarette now, Ill have smoked my way through an entire packet by the end of the day.



II: DOWNERS



Dr. Dr. Ozzy:

When I drink too much, the next morning I get a super-sensitive boner. Have you ever heard of this?

Bill, Georgia

No. With the amount I used to put away, I was lucky to even know I had a dick the next morning, never mind a boner. I also had a habit of waking up in jails and hospitals, which doesnt exactly put you in the mood. The only thing that was super-sensitive was my head.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Ive recently been prescribed some medication that says avoid alcohol, but both my consultant and my GP say its okay to drink in moderation. They dont say what moderation is, though. Whats your opinion, as a man with a fair bit of experience?

Henry, Cambridgeshire

Heres my prescription for you, Henry: a new consultant, and a new GP. I mean, who are these peoplewitch doctors? If the manufacturer of the drug goes to all the bother of putting a big yellow label on the front which says AVOID ALOCHOL, thenheres a crazy ideahow about avoiding alcohol? It aint complicated. Yknow, I cant believe doctors sometimes. I think the problem is that docs like to knock a few back themselves. I had this one bloke in London, and every time I went into his surgery, the place stank of gin, his nose glowed bright red, and he chained-smoked while he scribbled down his dodgy prescriptions in a little pad. I stopped going to see him in the end. I felt worse coming out of there than I did when I went in.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My doctor has prescribed Vicodin for a degenerative disc problem in my back, but my physical therapists say I should find an alternative besides narcotics. What do you think?

Bob, Georgia

I was hooked on that shit for a long time. Vicodin and me were made for each otherI love it. Especially Vicodin ES (for Extra Strength). But trust me, when youre hooked on Vicodin, its almost fucking impossible to kick. I was popping 25 a day at one point, and thats very dangerous, cos Vicodin is cut with stuff that can be extremely bad for your liver. Having said that, if you take Vicodin as your doctor prescribes it, you should be okay. If it says take one every 6 hours on the bottle, thats what youve got to do. With me, Id end up taking 6 every one hour, and blame it on my dyslexia. So you need to decide if you trust yourself. Or, if you think you need the meds and you dont trust yourself, give the bottle to a relative or friend, so it aint within easy reach.




DR. OZZYS AMAZING MEDICAL MISCELLANY


Dont Get Me Down

&#9830;Alcohol is basically a downer, even though it can make you do crazy hyperactive shit if you drink enough of it. Thats cos it reduces activity in the brain and central nervous systemthe same thing that barbiturates, benzodiazepines, and modern sleeping medications like Zolpidem do.

&#9830;Barbiturates have long been used as truth serums by psychiatrists and the militarymainly thanks to an American doc, William Blackwenn, who discovered the benefits of narcoanalysis in the 1930s. Meanwhile, the Russians are thought to have a secret truth drug called SP-117 with no taste, no smell, no colour, and no obvious side-effects.

&#9830;Mixing downers with uppers might seem like a brilliant idea at 11pm on a Saturday night, but the U.S. Food and Drug Administration doesnt agree: in 2010, it told the makers of Four Lokonicknamed blackout in a canto stop mixing caffeine and booze. The up/down combination leaves you wide-awake drunk, according to some experts, meaning you dont realise how pissed youre getting. Irish coffee is still legal, though

&#9830;Another downer is chloral hydratewhich became famous when a Chicago bartender, Mickey Finn, was accused of spiking his customers drinks with it in 1903 (so he could rob em when they passed out). Thats why if youre drugged in a bar its known as being slipped a Mickey. I bought some chloral hydrate myself once: it came in little gel caps and worked great on overly aggressive fans.




Dear Dr. Ozzy:

To numb pain in my lower back, Ive been chipping with heroinie, only doing it once every few days. But Im getting scared, because now Im counting the hours until I can do it again. Im not stupid: I know what smack can do to people. But I also hate peoples attitudes to it. Theyll skip off to the bathroom for a few lines of cocainejust as destructive!yet would be shocked at my smoking heroin (I dont inject). If you could give me any advice, I would very much appreciate it.

Zadie, Glasgow

This aint a good idea. Ive seen the same thing happen so many times: you start chipping; then the smoking becomes more regular; then all of a sudden its not enough, and it leads straight to the needle. Ive lost so many good friends because of that. Also: when you take street heroinunlike an opiate thats been prescribed by a doctoryou dont know what youre getting, man. I tried street heroin twice in my life, and it made me violently sick. Youve also got to realise that it takes a lot of special training to administer heavy-duty pain drugs. Thats why hospitals have anaesthesiologists. I know it can be difficult to get pills from a doctor, but if you have a genuine condition, it shouldnt be a problem. If youre anything like me, youre probably using your back pain as an excuse. Either way, find a GP or an addiction clinicand be honest with em. Theres a lot of help out there, and you dont have much time to lose.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Im thinking of giving up booze. Does beer count?

Antony, Bristol

The first rule of alcoholism is that beer doesnt count. Neither does vodka, wine, cognac, scotch, gin Unfortunately when you realise you dont want to be an alcoholic any more, everything counts. Thats why you cant touch a drop. Anything else is a deal with the devil, and youll only ever lose.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My teenage daughter, who is half-Chinese, suffers from red flushes when she drinks alcohola common complaint for her ethnicity. But she says that if she takes a stomach acid tablet just before she goes out, it can be controlled. Is this dangerous, do you think?

Anonymous, Berkshire

So let me get this straight, Mr. Anonymous from Berkshire: youre worried about the stomach acid tablet but not the booze? Well, heres a little secret: Ive been thrown in jail more times than I can remember; Ive almost died on a number of other occasions; and I once tried to kill my own wife. None of this happened because of Pepto Bismol.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I live in Southern California and have been prescribed legal medical marijuana (for muscle pain), but its making me paranoid. How can I reduce this side-effectand what do you think of the claimed link between pot and schizophrenia?

Lisa, Los Angeles

When I used to smoke pot, it was happy stuff: youd get the munchies, have a laugh, and go to sleep. These days, when you have a joint, you end up holding onto your drawers and hoping you dont go insane. I dont know about the link with schizophrenia, but I do know that they fuck around with marijuana now, creating all these genetically altered mutant varieties. In the old days, a joints THC contentthe chemical that gets you high, basicallyused to be something like 4 per cent. Today, you hear of it being 20 per cent or even 40 per cent. Its a bit like walking into a bar one day and being given a Bud Light, and the next being given something likes looks exactly like a Bug Light, and tastes exactly like a Bud Light, but which has the same effect on you as four bottles of vodka. As for reducing your paranoia: back in the 1970s, the way to do it was to have a beer.

It didnt work, though. It just made you drunk and paranoid.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

In your opinion, which alcoholic beverage delivers the least unpleasant hangoverie, red wine versus vodka or beer? As the festive season approaches, Id like to indulge in the seasonal merriment, while making the mornings-after bearable.

Rod, Canterbury

Youre asking me the wrong question. Trying to cure your hangover while youre still drinking aint gonna have a happy ending, no matter what kind of booze you avoid. Alcohol is Alcohol. If you drink enough of it, nothing on the planet can save you. And after the third glass, any rule youve made up for yourself before you started to get slaughtered is gonna go straight out of the window. So the only thing you can really do is treat the hangover. Now, over the years, I developed a fail-safe cure for the morning-after. Basically, Id mix four tablespoons of brandy with four tablespoons of port, throw in some milk, a few separated eggs, andif I was in a festive moodsome nutmeg. Then Id mix it up and down it the second I woke up. The way it works is very clever: it gets you instantly blasted again, so you dont feel a thing. The only problem? Unless you keep drinking, the hangover that eventually catches up with you is about a thousand gazillion times worse than it would have been otherwise.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Im a heavy boozer and now I get pains in my side quite often when I drink. I still have my appendix, both kidneys, and of course my liver. Which organ is the problem, do you think?

Kyle, British Columbia

I had the exactly same thing, and it turned out to be a damaged nerve from my kidneys to my liver. It was a big relief, to be honest with you, cos I was shitting myself that I had cirrhosisIve lost many a good friend to that disease, and it aint a pretty way to go, believe me. If youre gonna persist in drinking, my advice is to get regular blood tests, to see if your liver and kidneys are still holding up. Even better: quit altogether. Ill never forget what happened to this guy Mickey I used to know. He was told by his doctor to stop boozing, so he went straight to the pub for his last pint, took one sip, and dropped stone dead, right there at the bar. Whatever you do, dont end up like him.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Im considering using Rohypnolthe Date Rape Drugas a relaxant. Is this wise?

Catherine, Newcastle

I tried it in Germany a few years back. Id gone to see this guy to buy some sleeping pills, but he was sold out, so he asked if I wanted to try some Rohypnol instead. Now, as it happened, Id heard all about Rohypnol: the press was going crazy about it at the time, calling it the date-rape drug, but I thought it was all bullshit. A drug that could completely paralyse you while you remained fully awake? It seemed too good to be true. So I bought a couple of doses of the stuff and decided to try it outmy own little science experiment. I gulped down the pills with a nip of booze as soon as I got back to my hotel room. Then I waited. Well, this is a load of bollocks, I said to myself. Then two minutes laterwhile I was lying on the edge of the bed, trying to order a movie on the telly with the remote controlit suddenly kicked in. I couldnt move but I was wide awake! It was the weirdest feeling, man. The only trouble was that Id been dangling on the edge of the bed when my muscles seized up, so I ended up sliding to the floor and whacking my head on the coffee table on the way down. It hurt like fuck. I spent five hours trapped between the bed and the radiator, unable to move or talk.

So I cant say I recommend it.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Ive been drinking heavily for a few years now, and find myself turning redder and redder. What can I do?

Jim, Devon

I looked like Rudolph the Alcoholic Reindeer by the end of my drinking days. They say blueberries can help. In my experience, though, not being off your nut 24 hours a day is a safer bet.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Im 72 years old and have been taking Temazepam for tinnitus for a number of years (without any side effects), but Ive decided recently that Id like to come off the medication. I was going to go cold turkey, but your comments about the trouble you had coming off sleeping pills have frightened the living daylights out of me!

What should I do?

Debbie, Lancaster

The most important thing to do is talk to whoever gave you the prescription. Temazepam is a very powerful drug, so dont listen to the Prince of Darkness (or anyone else) until youve had a professional opinion. For what its worth, it took me a year and a half to get off the same stuff. You go through hell. The problem is that the drugs make you used to sleeping artificially, so the withdrawal is evil. You have to do it very, very slowly. At 72, if you aint having any side-effects, ask yourself if its really worth the trouble.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Is it true that if you drink a pint of milk before going on the boozeto line your stomachyou can avoid a hangover?

Gareth, Durham

I used to have a similar hangover cure, but it involved putting booze in the milk. The fact is, everyone who drinks too much has these ridiculous old wives tales, but theres only one medically proven way to avoid a hangover: dont fucking drink in the first place. If you want to have a pint of milk and a hangover, fine, but dont kid yourself into thinking a glass of semi-skimmed before a heavy night is gonna do any good. Thats bullshit.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

A friend of mine was hit by a car during his teens, and hes never been quite the same since. Weve both now developed a taste for high-strength weed, but Ive now realised that it makes him crazy and delusional (he says hes slept with Lady Gaga). He was put in care for a while, but as soon as he got out he went back to the dope. All my friends have tried telling him to stop, but it just makes him violent.

What should I do?

Anonymous

You cant make anyone do anythingbut you can say to your friend, Look, Im here if you ever want me help. What Ive realised is, there are some who can have one joint every so often and be perfectly happy with that, and there are some who cant. For me, I started with weed, and ended up on heroin. A lot of people also make the mistake of thinking weed is harmless, but they should ask themselves the question: if you were gonna have open-heart surgery, and you had the choice between a doctor whod just smoked a couple of joints, and a doctor who was clean, which one would you choose?



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Here in Denmark, people believe you can get drunk by bathing your feet in tub of vodka, as the skin absorbs the booze in the same way as the lining of your stomach. Is this true?

Henrick, Copenhagen

Yes and no. I tried it once, but got bored after a few minutes and started drinking from the tub. The next morning, I wasnt sure if it was my feet or my mouth that had given me the hangover.



III: PYSCHADELICS



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Ive been taking a lot of LSD recently, mostly because the fake reality is better than my bummer of a real life. Have you ever felt the same way?

Anonymous, USA

Heres the deal, no bullshit: if you keep taking the LSD, your fake reality will soon become a lot fucking worse than real life, no matter how bad your real life is. In my experience, LSD is a great time until it aintand when that happens, its the worst thing thats ever happened to you. One minute youre running down Miami Beach with a foam finger on your head; the next youre sticking a gun in your best friends face. The worst thing is when you want the trip to stop, but youve still got another eight hours to go. I still get the after-effects of LSD to this day: I call them my wobblers. In a flash, every tiny little problem freaks me out and becomes the end of the world. Seriously, man, be very careful. If you keep taking that shit, its gonna bite you on the balls.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Ive heard people say LSD can cure depression. Whats your expert medical opinion on this?

Brian, Seattle

As Ive said before, I wouldnt recommend that anyone take acid. On the other hand, it does open your mind to certain things. For example, I once walked into a field in Staffordshire when I was as high on LSD and ended up having a long conversation with a cow. After a while, the cow turned to the cow next to it and said, FUCK methat bloke can talk.




OZZYS AMAZING MEDICAL MISCELLANY


Turn On, Tune In Freak OUT

&#9830;As crazy as it sounds, LSD is making a comeback as a possible treatment for everything from cluster headaches to post-combat stress. After a 40-year ban on government-funded research, the US Food and Drug Administration is allowing trials again. LSD is still illegal and dangerous, though, so it aint a good idea to attempt any experiments of your own.

&#9830;Ask any major acid-head about Bicycle Day and hell know exactly what youre talking aboutit was the afternoon in 1943 when the Swiss chemist Albert Hofmann mistakenly took 100 times the threshold dose of LSD and then tried to ride home from his lab on a bicycle. Needless to say, the journey took a long time and involved visiting several other universes. Before then, no-one knew how high you could get from LSD (which is made from lysergic acid, found in certain kinds of fungi).

&#9830;No matter how much more research they do into LSD, it aint likely to become a new blockbuster drug any time soon, cos it was discovered such a long time ago. That means all the chemical formulas behind it are now in the public domain and arent gonna make anyone rich.

&#9830;Other common psychedelic drugs include peyote (a small, spineless cactus which contains mescaline), psilocybin (found in certain kinds of magic mushrooms) and PCPwhich was used as an anaesthetic until surgeons realised it gave their patients head-trips that were worse than their injuries. Illegal PCP later became known as angel dust.





Dear Dr. Ozzy:

After spending the late sixties and the seventies in a psychedelic fog, Ive found that even now, after thirty years of abstinence, my sight hasnt recovered. Everything moves or breathesthe walls, the floors, peoples facesand I can wake up in the night with full-on acid vision. Do you suffer from this? If so, what can I do about it?

Phil, Aberystwyth

They used to tell you that LSD never leaves your system for the rest of your life, although I think thats been disproven now. What might be happening is that somethings triggering a memory of a bad triplike when you think about spicy food and your mouth starts to water. But it doesnt sound very fucking normal, still having acid vision after 30 years. You should go and get an MRI, because you never know, it might not even have anything to do with the crazy shit you took when you were a younger man.



IV: EVERYTHING ELSE



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Was Charlie Sheen really winning when he was fired from Two and a Half Men? Or is it impossible to lead such a wild existence without some kind of tragic conclusion?

Ted, Yorkshire

There are three things I dont like talking about these days: religion, politics, and Charlie Sheen. Ill say this, though: if Charlie Sheen had found a cure for cancer, the guy wouldnt have got as much press as he did when he was doing his Winning Warlock thingwhich probably says more about our society than it does him. Also, as a general rule, it aint ever a good idea to make a big announcement about how youre suddenly clean and sober, cos chances are, youll fall off the wagon at some pointand I guarantee, therell be a camera there, waiting for you. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt, the baseball cap, the mug and spoon set, and every other souvenir you can think of.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I am a 47-year-old woman whos indulged in various medicinal herbs and chemicals for most of my life. Now Id like to stop, but how do I fight the urge to self-medicate?

Lucille, New York

It aint easy. When I finally admitted that I had a problem with booze, my mum said to me, Well why dont you just stop bloody drinking then? But the truth is, very few people can do that. Fortunately, theres a lot of help out there nowwhich wasnt the case in my day. The fact you understand that youre self-medicating is a good thing, cos it means you aint under any illusions, although it sounds to me like you havent come to terms with the fact you might be an addict yet. The next stage is to find a good therapist, or a local AA meeting. Thats how I started. Having said that, the most important thing for me was changing my social circle. I just dont hang out with practicing drug addicts or alcoholics any more. When you do that, you finally realize what a small minority of people have a case of beer and an eight-ball of cocaine for breakfast.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Im not a big druggie, but I have a big birthday celebration coming up and I want to enjoy myself. Obviously I dont want to cause any permanent damageor end up in hospitalso what combination of magic plants, powders, pills, and other mind-altering chemicals would you recommend for a really kick-ass time?

David, New York

My favourite combination of drugs was pretty specific: anything and anythingand as much of it as I could get my hands on it. That pretty much guaranteed a kick-ass time until I woke up in prison, or in the ER, or in the middle of a twelve-lane freeway. I wish I could tell you the magic formula thatll keep you out of trouble, but I never found it. Whenever I got loaded, my self-destruct circuit activated, and I ended up trying to strangle my wife, or shoot my cats, or some other fucked-up shit. My advice? Stay clean, man.



Dr. Ozzys Trivia Quiz: High Expectations: #qaa11


Find the answersand tote up your scorehere: #q1

1. How can you get high from a Colorado River toad (Bufo alvarius)?

a) By sucking on it

b) By milking it, drying the venom, and smoking it

c) By blending it and drinking the liquid


2. When a British prison inmate grew a marijuana plant in his cell, what did the wardens think it was?

a) A tomato plant

b) A Christmas tree

c) A plastic ornament


3. What was Diane Linkletter high on when she jumped out of a window to her death in 1969?

a) LSD

b) Peyote

c) Magic mushrooms


4. When cops raided an (alleged) meth dealers house in Mexico City, how much cash did they find hidden in the walls?

a) $205 million

b) $25 million

c) $2 billion


5. What was Operation Midnight Climax?

a) A project to create a female instant-orgasm pill

b) The secret nickname for Viagra drug trials

c) A CIA-run brothel where the punters were spiked with LSD



Croaking It

12





Getting Ready for the Great Moshpit in the Sky

Knowing me, I wont leave this earth peacefully. Ill be abducted by killer turds from outer space, eaten by a giant cockroach, or crushed by a falling chunk of Halleys Comet. No matter what happens, though, one things for sure: my time will run out. When it comes to Death, not even the Prince of Darkness gets any special favours.

It used to bother me that I wouldnt last forever, but it doesnt any more. Dont get me wrong: I aint planning to kick the bucket any time soon. But were already living in an overloaded world, and its only gonna get worse: a stray asteroid will land in the ocean, some whacked-out dictator will blow up the moon, or the next ice age will arrive. Who wants eternal life only to see all that bullshit happening? Fuck that, man: let the great-great-grandkids handle it. In the meantime, my philosophy is to make as much of what youve got, for as long as humanly possible. So when people write to Dr. Ozzy about getting old, thats what I tell em: accept the inevitable, but dont stop.

Never stop.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Is it too morbid to plan your own funeral? Or is it a thoughtful gift for your surviving relatives, like when Peter Sellers asked for Glenn Millers In the Mood to be played during the service? (His final jokeeveryone knew he despised the song.)

Macy, Kent

I honestly dont care what music they play at my funeralthey can put on a medley of Justin Bieber, Susan Boyle, and We Are the Diddymen if it makes em happybut I do want to make sure its a celebration, not a mope-fest. Id also like some pranks: maybe the sound of knocking inside the coffin; or a video of me asking my doctor for a second opinion on his diagnosis of death. And obviously therell be no harping on the bad times, like, Oh, he was terrible boozer, old Ozzy, and Ill never forget when he beat up the cat. So to answer your question: yes, I do think a bit of planning is the right thing to do for the family you leave behind. Also, its always worth remembering that a lot of people on this earth see nothing but misery their whole lives. So by any measure, most of us in the western hemisphereespecially rockers like meare very lucky. Thats why I dont want my funeral to be sad. I want it to be a time to say thanks.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Ive reached the age when I need a walker. I cant begin to describe to you how depressing this is. Given that youre an elder statesman of rock who still manages to be cool, can you tell me how to pull off this anti-fashion accessory? (Go-faster stripes, perhaps?)

Liv, Exeter

What do you mean, reached the age? They dont go, Oh, Happy 83rd Birthday, heres a walker. My gran lived to 99 without needing any help to get around. So youve obviously got a specific problem, in which case, youve gotta do what youve gotta do, man. Paint the thing black and put a skull and crossbones on the front if it makes you feel better. Otherwise, bear in mind that Johnny Cash used a wheelchair when he got oldand even then, he was still the coolest man on the planet.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

If you could take a test that would tell you if youre going to get Alzheimers in the future, would you do it?

Cherry, Boston

Sharon and I had one of those tests when we got our genomes sequenced (see chapter 7 for more details) and when the results were ready, we had to make that decision for real. It was a very big deal for my wife, cos her dad got Alzheimers, and it was horrific. Believe me, having seen what happened to him, I wouldnt wish it on my worst fucking enemy. In his heyday, my father-in-law was one of the scariest people Id ever met, but at the end of his life hed been reduced to a child. Having said that, my view is that if you know about something in advance, you can do a lot to slow it downand you might even have a chance of curing it, especially as new treatments come out over the years. Sharon feels the same way. Luckily for us, nothing in our genes suggest were any more likely to get Alzheimers than any other person.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Im approaching my 85th birthday and have now been to more friends funerals than I care to remember. Is it better to have an early send-off, or be the last man standing?

Dennis, Shewsbury

Unless you put a gun to head on your 65th birthday, it aint exactly a choice you get to make, is it? Having said that, the thought of sticking around for too long seems like the worse option to me. I know a woman whose friends all died years ago, then her husband died, so she ended up living on her own and then to top it off she got dementia. That aint a life by anyones definition. My own mum didnt have an easy time, eitherright at the end of her life she was robbed blind by two guys who knocked on her door and told her they were from the electricity board. Ive already told my wife: if it gets to the bitter end and theres an off-switch you can press, dont hesitate for one second.




DR. OZZYS AMAZING MEDICAL MISCELLANY


Most Unlikely Ways to Die[9 - Sources: Club Direct insurance, 101 Crazy Ways to Die by Matt Roper; National Safety Council.]

&#9830;Hit on the head by a coconut. Supposedly this kills 150 people every year around the worldcoconuts drop from as high as 25 metres with a force of 1,000 kgsmaking the odds 250 million to one. They say that being killed by a coconut is more likely than being killed by a shark. Id still rather see a coconut above me than a fin next to me in the water.

&#9830;Standing too close to an exploding toilet. Self-explanatory, this oneand not exactly what youd want anyone writing on your death certificate. It does happen, though. Estimated odds: 340 million to one.

&#9830;Legally executed. Obviously this depends which country youre inthe odds would be zero in Britain, cos theres no death penaltybut in America theyre 97,000 to one. Which makes it a more popular way to croak than if you were

&#9830;Bitten by a dog. This ones a bit of a worry, given that Ive got 17 of the fucking things. Luckily most of em are the size of tea cups. Odds: 121,000 to one.

&#9830;Eaten by a cannibal. How the fuck anyone calculated this statistic is beyond me, but the chances of ending up as someones lunch allegedly works out at 25 billion to one. In terms of things to worry about, its up there with being hit by an asteroid (7.5 billion to one) and being trapped in a freezer (360 million to one).





Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Suddenly, at the age of 43, Ive found myself beginning to stutter. Im mortified. Is this just a fact of getting older, or something more serious? Is it going to get worse? Please help, Dr. Ozzy.

Ellen, Birmingham

It might be serious, or it might not be, but you should go and see a neurologist, just in case. I also started to jumble my words up as I got olderalthough stutters run in my family. It usually happens when Im excited or frustrated. I used to treat it with a nip of booze every now and again, which helped, until I became a raging alcoholic. By the time people saw me on The Osbournes, they couldnt understand a word I was saying. Then I watched the show myself, and I couldnt understand a word I was saying, either. Youve just got to slow down. When I stopped speaking so fast, I stopped stuttering as much. I try to think of the end of a sentence now before I start it. And although I never went to a speech therapist for stuttering, Im told that can help a lot. Why not try it?



Dear Dr. Ozzy,

Im bald, fat and married, and becoming increasingly depressed by the thought that Ill never enjoy my wild days of youthful debauchery ever again. As someone whos given up drinking and philandering, how do you come to terms with getting old?

Mike, New Jersey

Whatever you do, dont just sit there like a lump, waiting for the Grim Reaper to arrive. Find something you enjoy doing, maybe some kind of exercisenot bonking the next-door neighbours wifeand let off your pent-up frustration through that. Look at me: Im 62 years old, I dont drink, I dont smoke, and I dont run around with groupies any more, but at the moment Im doing a two-and-a-half-hour rock n roll show in a different city every night, andin my head at leastI feel like Im 21 years old. Dont give up, man. Seriously. Accept the things you cant change and get on with your life.




DR. OZZYS AMAZING MEDICAL MISCELLANY


Most Likely Ways to Die[10 - Source: The World Health Organisation.]

&#9830;A mind-blowing 59 million people (roughly) die every year on Planet Earth, with the most popular reason being a dodgy ticker. In fact, heart disease accounts for 12.2 per cent of all deaths throughout the world, rich and poor.

&#9830;Strokes give heart attacks a good run for their money on the Grim Reapers Hit List, coming in at No. 2 and killing 5.7 million people a year9.7 per cent of all deaths.

&#9830;Pneumonia and emphysema (lower respiratory infections and chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, to use the proper terms) come in at No. 3 and No. 4. Smoking is the leading cause of emphysema, another very fucking good reason to quit.

&#9830;Never in a billion years would I have guessed the fifth most common cause of death in the world: diarrhoea. Tragically, more than half of all the 2.2 million victims every year are kids under five years old, and they get it from dodgy food and water. Although its easily treatable in the West, if youre in a poor country, a bad case of the runs can kill you from dehydration and fluid lossespecially if youre already malnourished.

&#9830;After diarrhoea, the other most likely ways to die are: AIDS (No. 6), Tuberculosis (No. 7), lung cancers (No. 8), road traffic accidents (No. 9), and premature birth/low birth weight (No. 10).





Dear Dr. Ozzy:

As the Prince of Darkness, are you a supporter of Dr. Deatha.k.a. the late American euthanasia advocate Jack Kevorkian, who spent almost a decade in prison?

Carlos, United States

To a certain degree I could understand Dr. Death when he said doctors should be able to help their patients top themselves. But then again, knowing America the way I do, if it became legal, somebody would end up doing a dealyknow, If you pop my nan, Ill give you 25 per cent of the inheritance kind of thing. There are certain kinds of doctors of hereanywhere, probablywhod kill you for ten grand, no problem at all. And then youd have elderly relatives whod feel pressured into taking the death juice, cos they wouldnt want to be a burden, yknow? So Id at least want there to be some kind of process, not just squeeze-this-trigger-and-youre-gone, see ya. Having said that, though, Ive always told Sharon, If my quality of life is terrible, if I cant go for a piss by myself, if Im paralysedyou have my permission to pull the plug. I mean, people say, Thats going against God. But being a doctor is going against God, isnt it? If youve got a headache, it aint God who reaches down and gives you the aspirin.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

At 62, you are so good-looking, man! What is your secret? Have you got some kind of magic shake that gives you eternal youth? Could you share this formula with us?

Klausitta, Tallinn, Estonia

Its called English breakfast tea, with a good brand of honey. I get through about ten bowls of that stuff a day. I also eat as much fruit as I can. Forget bowls of brown M&Ms: the first thing I ask for when I go to any hotel room on the road is a selection of the local fruit. They also say that alcohol preserves but I dont believe that for one fucking second.




DR. OZZYS INSANE-BUT-TRUE STORIES


The Age of the Supercentenarian

&#9830;When I was a kid, people counted themselves lucky if they lived long enough to get a gold watch and a retirement bash down the pub. Nowadays, you can be retired for longer than you ever worked. Take Jeanne Calment, the French chick who broke the record for the longest-ever (independently verified) human lifespan. She was born in 1875 in Arles and managed to outlive her entire family, including her grandson (he died in 1963 when he fell off a motorbike). She was so old, shed even met Vincent van Goghalthough she thought the guy was a c***. (Dirty, badly dressed, disagreeable very ugly, ungracious, impolite [and] sick, was what she told one interviewer.) She was a remarkable woman, Jeanne: she took up fencing at the age of 85; kept riding a bicycle until she was 100; and smoked every day until she was 117. Meanwhile, she never went on a diet, and never stopped eating her two favourite things: olive oil and chocolate. She passed away in 1997, by which time she was an unbelievable 122 years old and 164 days. Guinness World Records now has a term for people like Jeanne who live beyond the age of 110: supercentenarians. According to the experts, there are between 300 and 450 of em living todayand you can pretty much guarantee that numbers gonna rise.





Dear Wonderful Doctor of Oz:

Now that Im getting older, my feet constantly burn after a long day at work. I go home and rub them for two hours, thus missing Big Brother, but they still ache. Id like to hope that this isnt just the reality of age. Have you ever had achy breaky feet?

(Please dont say that I need feet transplants.)

Dusty, Coventry

Theres an easy cure for this, Dusty: learn to walk on your hands. Give it a week, and the pain will be gone. Promise.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Im getting to the age when I need to have my first prostate check-up. Do you recommend the digital rectal exam, or can I get away with the (less-intrusive) urine screening test?

Christian, Stoke Newington, London

I dont care if its a blood test, a urine test, or if they have to stick a bicycle frame up thereget it done. Ive lost too many friends to prostate cancer to worry about any temporary discomfort.



Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My 92-year-old mother is becoming unbearable. Shes in good enough shape to live by herself but relies on me for almost 24/7 support, making it impossible for me to enjoy my retirement with my husband while were still both in good health. Even if we go away for a weekend, she calls day and night, laying on the emotional blackmail. What can do?

Anne, Cumbria

Heres the problem with hanging on to your marbles for so long: you end up becoming very aware of how difficult, lonely, and painful your life is gettingand it doesnt put you in a very good mood. Ive personally never had to deal with that kind of situation, cos both my parents died quite young, and my father-in-law had Alzheimers, which meant he didnt have a clue what time of day it was. As heavy-duty as Alzheimers is, I sometimes wonder if thats the better way to go. But yknow, theres no getting away from the fact that modern medicine has created a whole new set of issues when it comes to people living to these crazy agesand I dont think were anywhere near getting to the bottom of them. My only advice is to go to your doctor, tell him (or her) that this situation is gonna send you to the loony bin, and find out what kind of extra help might be available. Even if you have to pay for a private nurse out of your own pocket, it might be worth it. As you say, you aint gonna live forever, either.



Dr. Ozzys Trivia Quiz: Meet the Worms: #qa12


Find the answersand tote up your scorehere: #q1

1. For a fee, a U.S. company will turn your cremated remains into

a) Stained glass

b) A salad bowl (with optional tongs)

c) A diamond


2. Whats a Sky burial?

a) When your ashes are blasted into outer space on a Russian-made rocket

b) When your corpse is fed to vultures

c) When your ashes are thrown out of a plane over your favourite place


3. Which of these Last Will & Testaments are real?

a) The Australian bloke who left one shilling to his wifefor a tram fare so she can go somewhere and drown herself

b) The Beverly Hills socialite who asked to be buried in her Ferrari, wearing a lace gown, with the seat slanted comfortably

c) The Countess who left $80 million to her dog


4. What did Duke Ferdinand of Brunswick demand to have in his coffin?

a) A window

b) An air tube

c) A lid he could unlock and openallowing him to walk out into his tomb if he woke up (the key was to be put in his shroud pocket)


5. Angel Lust is what, exactly?

a) When a corpse gets a boner

b) When someone wishes for an early death

c) When someone turns religious on their death bed



Dr. Ozzys Prescription Pad

Epilogue




Take as Directed

As much as this book aint supposed to be taken too seriously, I hope youve learned a few things along the wayI know I have. When people ask you for advice every week, its liking getting a crash course in human nature. You also learn a lot about yourself in a weird kind of way. So before I sign-off, here are a ten simple tips Ive come up with over my time as Dr. Ozzy for living a long and happy life. They wont solve every problem. But I promise you: keep em in mind, and youll at least have a shot at avoiding some of the stupid fucking mistakes Ive made over the years.


God bless you all.

Dr. Ozzy



 Your doctor has seen patients come through his doors with fluorescent green dicks and/or family pets stuck up their buttholes, so trust me, whatevers wrong with you aint as embarrassing as you think it is.

 If you think it might be the booze, its the booze.

 No-ones family is perfect. Worry about real problems, not about what other people think.

 If you find a lumpany lumpdont prick it with a pin, hit it with a mallet, look it up on the internet, or ask Dr. Ozzy if you should wait until it grows into a second head. Get it checked out, now. (And get a physical every year.)

 Your genes dont decide who you areyou do. If the Prince of Darkness managed to get clean and sober after 40 years, anything is fucking possible.

 People who make you feel bad about yourself aint your real friends.

 Most of us are fucking lunatics, one way or another. Some just hide it better than others.

 If you write to Dr. Ozzy to ask if something is right or wrong you know its wrong.

 All drugs are basically the samebooze, pot, cocaine, heroin whatever. Theyre just different ways to escape from life. So before asking me if a little bit of this or that is safe in moderation, heres my answer: do it if you want to, man, but dont kid yourself. You aint kidding anyone else.

 Always get a second opinioneven if that means calling your doctor on a cell phone from six feet underground to ask him if hes 100 per cent sure youre dead.




Quiz Answers



Dr. Ozzys advice column appears every week in The Sunday Times and in select issues of Rolling Stone

Write to Dr. Ozzy:

askdrozzy@sunday-times.co.uk: mailto:askdrozzy@sunday-times.co.uk


Quiz Answers

Award yourself one point for each correct answer, add up your total score, then see how you did here: #qs



MAGIC MEDICINE

b). I aint kiddingyou can even look up the British Medical Journal paper online. The scientists said they wanted to assess the effects of didgeridoo playing on daytime sleepiness by reducing collapsibility of the upper airways in patients with moderate obstructive sleep apnoea syndrome and snoring. And I thought my job was fucking ridiculous.

a). They turn the poor old frog into juice by dropping it in a blender (they kill it and skin it first). They also spice it up with white bean broth, honey, raw aloe vera, and maca (an Andean root thing). If throwing up gives you a raging boner, it probably works a treat.

c). Makes sense, I suppose, cos bats have amazing night vision. Still, as one of the few people on this planet who have actually swallowed bats blood, I can vouch that it doesnt have any special powersotherwise I wouldnt have needed cataract surgery in 2010.

a). This a terrible myth, cos its been used to justify rape, and it makes the disease spread much faster.

b). Not much of a surprise, this one. In the 1960s everyone tried to cure everything with LSD.



HEALTH NUT

a). They call it fat for a reason. One tablespoon of the stuff has about 120 calories, compared with 112 for ghee and 101 for butter (according to Nutrientfacts.com: http://www.nutrientfacts.com/ and Fitday.com: http://www.fitday.com/).

All three. Or at least thats the advice of a weird-sounding organisation called the National Digestive Diseases Information Clearinghouse. It says you can swallow less air by not chewing gum, eating your meals slower, and making sure your false choppers fit right.

a). The poor fucker who did the field work to come up with this number deserves the Victoria Cross, if you ask me (he works for the NDDIC, as above). But thank God this kind of information exists, cos next time Im feeling intimidated by someone, Ill remind myself that they burped or let their arse cheeks blow 14 times in the previous 24 hours.

b) and c). If you overdo it when youre training, you can end up feeling like youre wading through molten lead. When that happens, youve gotta slow down and see a doc, or you can do yourself some serious damage. Pregnant women and overweight people can also get heavy legsas can anyone who stands or sits in the same position for too long.

b). The guy was so tough-as-nails, he never even warmed up before exercising. Does a lion warm up when hes hungry? he once said. No! He just goes out there and eats the sucker. (Unlike LaLanne, Dr. Ozzy recommends frequent stretching.)



BEING BEAUTIFUL

a) and b). If you believe what you read on the internet, Cleopatra also used crocodile turds as a contraceptive. Hence the old Egyptian chat-up line, Wanna come back to my place and see my dung?

All three. They were recommended as baldness cures for Julius Caesar, who also tried to compensate for his thinning rug by going out and buying himself a red convertible chariot.

c). Generally speaking, if your car windows dont have special UV protection, theyll block most UVB rayswhich tan and burn you the mostbut not UVA rays, which give you wrinkles and cause so-called commuter ageing.

c). The Sultan of Brunei (according to The Sunday Times). He flew his barber from the Dorchester Hotel in Mayfair to Brunei (7,000 miles) and gave him a private suite on Singapore Airlines to make sure he didnt catch swine flu on the way. Seems perfectly sensible to me.

a). Which shouldnt exactly come as a fucking surprise if youve ever been to the Czech Republic. The first beer spa opened at a brewery in Chodovz Plana, near Prague, back in 2006.



FLESH & BLOOD

b). His brothers did it cos they were jealous. They also nicked his coat and threw him down a mineshaft. They didnt let him play their Xbox, either.

c). The mother was supposedly a Russian peasant, married to a guy named Feodor Vassilyev (her first name has been lost to history). According to Guinness World Records, she pumped out sixteen pairs of twins, seven sets of triplets, and four sets of quadruplets between 1725 and 1765. Only two of the babies died in infancy. Feodorotherwise known as the man with the Golden Ballswent on to re-marry and have another twenty kids.

a). According to news reports at the time, the victim (who wasnt named) didnt realise what had happened until she noticed a wet feeling under her shirt, pulled it up, and her nipple fell on the floor. She put it a bag and took it to hospital. Its now back where it belongs.

c). Marriage should be about losing arguments and winning relationships, according to Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, a leading relationship coach.

c). Lina Medinas parents took her to hospital, thinking she had a stomach tumor. It turned out she was seven months pregnant. Shes now in her seventies and lives in Peru. The reason Lina was able to have a kid was her very unusual case of precocious pubertyher first period came when she was still a toddleralthough of course its beyond tragic that any man would impregnate her in the first place. The father was never identified, and the baby, a boy, was raised as her brother. He died in 1979 at the age of 40.



UNDER THE KNIFE

a) and c). The guy with the forked tongueErik Spraguehad it done on purpose, cos he wanted to look like a lizard. He had his teeth filed into fangs, too. Hes available for babysitting.

a) and c). The woman who injected lubricant into her face told ABC News: By the following day [my whole face] was just completely inflamed. [The lubricant] expands, its like rubber, and your own collagen forms scar tissue around it it looked like horrible blisters. People who do this kind of thing to themselves suffer from a condition called body dysmorphic disorderwhich means they drive themselves nuts about one particular part of their body, to the point where theyre willing to self-operate.

b). The Annals of General Psychiatry says that severe intentional eye self-injury is uncommon, but not rare and that its usually a result of a drug freak-out psychosis, bipolar disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, and/or depression. Some patients have been found with a copy of the passage in Matthews Gospel, which says,  if the right eye offends thee, pluck it out and cast it from thee.

a). They were known as barber surgeons. The most common service they provided was bloodlettingwhere you cut a gash in your arm and let your blood run out into a bucket. Personally, Id have been happy with a short back and sides.

a). The poor guy, who was 70 years old and mentally ill, died from septicaemia within six days. The others are real cases written about in The Psychiatrist, although the bright spark with the bicycle changed his mind at the last minuteand ended up fracturing his skull instead.



DOCTOR! DOCTOR!

a). He was sacked and fined for making out prescriptions to himself, then booked himself into rehab. He wasnt struck off, thoughand he went on to kill over 200 patients, that we know of, at least.

a). The woman later withdrew her case and the doc was exonerated.

b). He went to jail. He allegedly told one woman that his magic potion would stop her gums bleeding, but warned it might taste funny. He also told her she could swallow it if she wanted to.

c). I hope that what Ive done will reassure men that vasectomies can be relatively pain free, he told the BBC. He added that hed been thinking of getting the snip for a while, but wanted someone trustworthy to do it. Eventually I just thought, sod it, Ill do it myself, he said.

c). The Gallup poll came out in 2010 and showed just how much dough gets spent on defensive medicinebasically, doctors covering their own arses in case a patient takes em to the cleaners.



MUTANT STRAINS

a). When the bones of tiny, hobbit-like creatures were found on a remote Indonesian island, Flores, some scientists thought they might have been humans with a crazy genetic disorder who lived 18,000 years ago. Others said they were a different species altogether.

a) and b). Although it looked like she had four arms and four legs, she was actually two people. After a mind-blowing 27-hour operation, little Lakshmiwho was worshipped as a Hindu Goddess by some Indiansnow goes to school and can walk on her own. The poor kid still needs more surgery, though.

a) I almost fell out of my fucking chair when my research guy told me about this. It aint the antifreeze you put in your car, mind you, but an antifreeze protein found in certain Antarctic fish that stops em dying from the cold. Theyve even started to use the stuff in some low-fat ice creamsalthough its grown in a lab, not taken directly out of some smelly old flounder.

c). An Austrian monk called Gregor Mendel had the mega-brainwave that led to modern genetics after growing and studying 29,000 pea plants between 1856 and 1863. He didnt get any recognition during his lifetime, but at least he never went hungry in the lab.

b). Said one of the scientists who cloned her: Dolly is derived from a mammary gland cell, and we couldnt think of a more impressive pair of glands than Dolly Partons.



PERSONAL SKILLS

c). Im told the other two greetings work in Oman (nose kiss) and some parts of Niger (Wooshay!)but always double-check before giving a strange foreign bloke a smacker on the conk.

c). Dont put your phone on the dining table, or glance at it longingly mid-conversation, it says. Other rules: dont make calls from the shitter; dont have phone conversations in public about money, sex, or your haemorrhoid attack; and think carefully before choosing My Humps as a ringtone.

a). Not that Id knowI dont have the first fucking clue about computers. Experts say the human brain can only handle a maximum number of 150 real friends, so if youve got more than that, you might wanna take advantage of National Unfriend Day (November 17).

b). During the heistwhich the boss helped to planhis employees were held at knifepoint and one teller was punched in the face. The boss pretended to be a hostage until the cops showed up and realised that one of the masked robbers was his girlfriend.

a). There were problems with money in the workplace and basically the stress of him being the owner and running a business got to him, said the cops.



GREY MATTER

All of them. a) is also known as muscle dysmorphia, cos sufferers never think they look ripped enough, b) is usually caused by a major brain injury, and c) is described by experts as an exaggerated startle reflexin other words, you pretty much crap your pants when youre surprised. Weirdly, it was first discovered in French-Canadian lumberjacks living in Maine, USA.

a). It means youre turned on by people who commit crimes. Its also known as Bonnie and Clyde Syndrome.

a). I aint exactly a brain surgeon, but Im told thats more or less true (apparently headaches come from blood vessels, the membrane around the brain, and other nerves). If youre ever unlucky enough to have brain surgery, you can even get away with just a local anaesthetic on your scalp. As for the other two answers: your brain could power only a 10-23w bulb; and the biggest emotional memory trigger is thought to be smell.

b). Thats what the scientist Stephen Juan said in his 1998 book The Odd Brain. Most thoughts are turned into very short-term memories and then forgotten. Or make that all thoughts in my case.

c). That makes em the most commonly prescribed drugs in the countryafter high blood pressure medication (according to a 2005 report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention).



SEXY BEAST

a). The serotonin released when you bonk is like natures aspirin, according to one specialist, Dr. Vincent Martinwho was recently voted the Best Doctor in the World by married men everywhere.

c). Diphallia means youre born with two dicks (one usually bigger than the other). It aint exactly common, though: there have been only 100 cases since the first one was discovered in 1609.

c). The buyera 38-year-old Australian businessman, if you believe what you read in the pressbacked out at the last minute cos his wife found out. It still aint clear if he got his $250,000 deposit back. The whole thing was a PR stunt organised by a knocking shop in Nevada.

b). The festival is held every year on March 15and everyone gets blasted on sake. The guys who carry the giant dick have to be exactly 42 years old, cos its believed to be an unlucky age.

a). The beauty contest is known as the Gerewol and happens every September, with the guys trying to show off their height and the whiteness of their eyes and teeth. As if that werent freaky enough, they also get out of their minds on a drink made of psychoactive bark.



HIGH EXPECTATIONS

a). If you milk the venom and dry it out, you end up with a drug called bufotenine, whichwhen smokedgives you the same kind of high as LSD. Dont try it, though, cos its illegal (and the toads are endangered). A former Scout leader in California is one of the few people whove ever been arrested for taking a toad trip. He told agents that his mind was blown so wide open, he could hear electrons jumping orbitals in my molecules.

a) and b). The gold-toothed criminal managed to grow the pot plant for five months at Verne Prison in Dorsethe even hung tinsel on it during Christmasbefore the screws finally realised that the mile-wide grin on his face wasnt cos his heirlooms were so ripe.

None of them, according to the autopsy. Her famous dad, Art, blamed a flashback from LSDwhich lead to the theory that people think they can fly when theyre freaking out on acid.

a). They also found eight luxury vehicles, seven weapons, and a machine to make pills. The alleged dealer, a Chinese guy, was later arrested in the U.S.

c). It was part of the CIAs insane MK-Ultra mind-control programme in the 1950s and 1960s. Punters were lured into a brothel in San Francisco, then drugged and sexually blackmailed while agents sat behind two-way glass, taking notes. The CIA thought the Johns would be too embarrassed to complain to the cops the next morning. They were right.



MEET THE WORMS

c). LifeGem takes carbon from human remains and uses it to make synthetic diamonds. In 2007, the company made a diamond partly from carbon extracted from 10 strands of Ludwig van Beethovens hair: it was sold on eBay for $202,700 (the money went to charity).

b). Tibetans used to do this cos most of em are Buddhists and think the human body is an empty vessel after death. Also, Tibet is a rocky place, so digging graves is a major ballacheand cremation would use up scarce firewood. There are some crazy pictures on the internet of body-breakers cutting up corpses while vultures queue up for their dinner.

All of em. The Ferrari woman was Sandra Ilene West, who died at 37 from a drug overdose. The cara powder blue 1964 Ferrari 330 Americawas put in a wooden box and covered with concrete (to make sure no-one nicked it) and lowered into a hole nine feet under the Alamo Masonic Cemetery in Texas. For organising the burial, her brother-in-law was given a $2 million inheritance. If hed refused to do it, he would have got only $10,000.

All three. This happened in the 1700s when safety coffins were all the rage after a few horrendous cases of people being buried alive. Other coffin designs had cords attached to church bells, so you could sound the alarm if you woke up. The only problem: bodies usually swell up and move as they decomposeso on more than one occasion, a fresh corpse in the churchyard ended up ringing the bell, scaring the shit out of the Vicar.

a). A death erection usually happens after being hung, shot in the head, or poisoned (its technically known as a priapism and you can also get it with a severe spinal chord injury, Im told). If Mother Nature had any mercy, shed give you the boner before you died.



How did you score?

41-60: Medical genius. If havent tried brain surgery yet, now might be the time.

21-40: Hypochondriac. You have just enough knowledge to be a danger to yourself and society.

0-20: Medical liability. Youre so clueless, you could end up accidentally stabbing yourself in the kidney while clipping your toenails. Wear Bubble Wrap and remain indoors at all times.



(Hazardous) Contents



Front Cover Image

Welcome

The Doctor Is In sane

Introduction: A Note to all Patients

1 How to Cure (Almost) Anything

Youll Never Be Ill Again Probably

2 Have a Fucking Egg

The Truth About Diet & Exercise

3 Pruning

Cleanliness Is Next to Ozzyness

4 FamilyThe Other F-Word

You Love Em to Death, but They Drive You Fucking Mental

5 Surgery: Not Just for Professionals

If You Want Something Done Do It Yourself

6 General Practise

Dr. Ozzys A-to-Z of Uncommon Complaints

7 Genetics Explained. Sort OfBefore Reading, Apply Ice-Pack to Brain

8 Friends & Arseholes

For People Who Arent People People

9 The Jelly Between Your Ears

It Aint Easy, Being Mental

10 Sex, Romance & Ballcare

Dr. Ozzys Guide to the Bats and the Bees

11 The Pharmacology Section

What They Dont Print on the Label

12 Croaking It

Getting Ready for the Great Moshpit in the Sky

Dr. Ozzys Prescription Pad

Epilogue: Take as Directed

Quiz Answers

Copyright



Copyright

Copyright  2011 by Ozzy Osbourne

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the prior permission in writing of the publisher, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

Hachette Digital

Little, Brown Book Group

100 Victoria Embankment

London, EC4Y 0DY

www.hachette.co.uk: http://www.hachette.co.uk/

www.littlebrown.co.uk: http://www.littlebrown.co.uk/

First eBook Edition: October 2011

ISBN: 978-0-7481-3008-5







notes

Notes



1

Before anyone gives me a bollocking, talk to a doc about your diet if you have high cholesterol.



2

According to The New England Journal of Medicine.



3

I aint making this up. The mums name is Ines Ramirex Perez, and she had the baby on March 5, 2000 (according to the Associated Press).



4

See diagram here.


Helpful Diagram: Hygienic Door Handle


 2010 Tranquility Johnson (used with permission)



5

Im fucked if I know what this is, apart from the fact it begins with the letter Q.



6

At the World Health Organisation.



7

www.parissyndrome.info: http://www.parissyndrome.info/



8

Might not be legal where you live.



9

Sources: Club Direct insurance, 101 Crazy Ways to Die by Matt Roper; National Safety Council.



10

Source: The World Health Organisation.

