“Now,” Max said, halting outside the Chief’s office, “which way to the pier?”
“If I ever knew, I forgot,” von BOOM replied.
“Max, shouldn’t we pack a bag?” 99 said. “If we’re going to the North Pole by way of Africa and Russia and Alaska, we’ll be gone for a few days, at the very least.”
“You’re right, 99. We’ll all go home and pack a bag, then we’ll meet back here in, say, one hour. Okay?”
“Max, should we let Professor von BOOM out of our sight?”
Max looked at her hostilely. “99, before we make another move, I think we better get one thing straight. Who is in charge of this mission-you or me? Who is making the decisions?”
99 lowered her eyes sheepishly. “I’m sorry, Max-you are.”
“I’m sorry, too,” von BOOM said. “To me, she sounds like the one with the brains.”
Max ignored the comment. “Then, as I see it,” he said, “our best chance for making this mission a success is to keep Professor von BOOM in sight at all times. First, we’ll all go to my apartment and pack a bag. Then, 99, we’ll go to your apartment and pack a bag. And, after that, we’ll go to Professor von BOOM’s apartment and pack a bag. Any objections?”
Professor von BOOM started down the corridor toward the exit.
Max and 99 caught up with him and halted him. “What did I say wrong?” Max asked.
“Did I hear ‘objections?’ When I hear that, I’m due in court.”
“Consider the objections overruled,” Max said. “Now, can we leave? At the rate we’re progressing, the North Pole will be melted before we get there.” He looked thoughtful for a second. “I imagine headquarters is surrounded by KAOS agents, just waiting for us to step out, so they can attempt to kidnap the Professor,” he said. “We better leave by the secret exit.”
“Max. .” 99 said worriedly.
“I know what you’re thinking, 99,” Max said. “You think I’ll get lost again in all those secret passageways. But you’re worrying for nothing. Since the last time, I’ve been studying a map of the secret exit. And now I know it like the palm of my hand.” He led the way down the corridor. “Just trust me,” he said.
Von BOOM whispered to 99. “Can we trust him?”
“Of course,” she replied. “Max knows exactly what he’s doing.”
The Professor nodded gloomily. “So did General Custer when he set out to beat up on that handful of Indians,” he said.
They reached an elevator and got aboard. Max punched the UP button and the car descended. After a minute or so, it stopped, the door slid open, and they got out. They were in a dark anteroom that had been hollowed out of rock. The room was lighted by brightly burning torches. A number of openings led from the room into passageways.
“Let’s see. .” Max said, looking around. He pointed. “I think we take that tunnel over there. No. . just a second.” He looked at the palm of his hand. “I was wrong,” he decided. He pointed again, in the opposite direction. “We take that tunnel over there.”
“Are you sure, Max?” 99 said.
Max held out the palm of his hand. “Look for yourself.”
“I have a question,” von BOOM said. “Did you have any Custers in your family?”
“Let’s make up our minds,” Max said irritably. “Are we going to play Twenty Questions or are we going to go out there and beat up on that handful of Indians? Uh. . scratch that. I don’t know what made me think of it. It’s something a great, great uncle of mine said a long, long time ago.” He led the way toward an opening to a tunnel. “Last one in is a KAOS agent,” he called back.
99 and von BOOM hurried after him. The passageway, too, was lighted by torches. After a few moments, they reached a fork.
“This looks familiar,” Max said. “That way is the thumb, I think, and that other way is the index finger. Or is it the other way around?” He consulted the palm of his hand again. “No, I was right the first time. Or. . wait a second-is that the same palm? Do you remember, 99? Before, was I using the palm of my right hand or my left hand?”
“Your right hand, I believe, Max.”
“Good. We’re on the right track.” He traced a path on the palm of his right hand. “We follow this line right here,” he said. “It takes us into the thumb, and then, right here at the fingernail, we reach the exit. Let’s go.”
As they continued through the passageway, Max addressed the Professor. “Just to make sure that none of our own agents get lost in here, we have guides posted along the way,” he said. “We should be reaching the first one soon. It’s Willowby, isn’t it, 99?”
“Yes, Max.”
“His appearance may startle you a bit,” Max said, speaking to von BOOM again. “He’s been down here for as long as anyone can recall, and naturally, in this dim light, he’s become a bit bleary-eyed. Also, his beard is a little longer than the beards you usually see. For him, though, it’s an advantage. At night, he uses it as a blanket. And at meals it comes in very handy as a bib. Although, the fact that it’s white is a minor drawback. It shows the gravy stains.”
There was no response from von BOOM.
“Max!” 99 cried. “He’s gone!”
Max halted and looked back. Von BOOM was nowhere in sight. “Don’t worry, 99,” he said. “He isn’t gone, he’s only lost. He must have taken a wrong turn back at that fork. We’ll just retrace our steps, then follow the index finger, and we’re bound to find him.”
“I hope so, Max,” 99 said, uncertainty in her tone, as they made their way back through the tunnel. “But suppose you used one of the key words, and he went off somewhere else? How would we know where to look?”
“He couldn’t possibly get out of here, 99. Unless you happen to know these passageways like the palm of your hand, there’s no escape.”
They reached the fork and this time took the lefthand tunnel. A minute or so later they came upon a tall, bleary-eyed man with a long white beard. Spotting Max and 99, the man immediately snatched up the end of the beard and placed it on top of his head.
“Willowby, you know, you’re not fooling anybody,” Max said. “And, besides, it’s no disgrace at your age to be getting bald.”
“I won’t have to do this much longer,” Willowby replied. “I put in a request for a hairpiece.”
“When was that?” Max asked.
“I can’t remember the exact date. But it was around the time when Lucky Lindy was taking off for Paris. How did he make out, anyway?”
“He made it,” Max replied.
Willowby tossed his beard into the air. “Hurrah for Lucky Lindy!” he shouted exultantly.
“Willowby, I’ll tell you something about requests,” Max said. “By the time you get that hairpiece, you won’t need it. You’ll be in your second childhood, and you’ll be starting a new full head of hair of your own. But, listen, what are you doing over here in this passageway? You’re supposed to be in the tunnel that leads to the exit.”
Willowby looked at him sadly. “You’re lost again, Max.”
“I’m lost!” Max said indignantly. “You’re lost.”
“I’ve been in this same spot for over one-hundred-and-fifty years. The only way I could get lost would be if the tunnels moved.”
“Oh.”
“You took the thumb again,” Willowby guessed.
“All right, nevermind that,” Max said. “I have a more important problem right now. Have you seen anybody wandering around in here who looked like he needed a keeper?”
“Besides you, you mean?”
“I’m not going to dignify that question with an answer, Willowby,” Max replied. “This fellow I’m talking about is short and dumpy and-”
“-and is looking for the post office,” Willowby said. “He stopped here just a few minutes ago.”
“He was looking for the post office?” Max said, puzzled.
“You must have used a key word, Max,” 99 guessed. “I wonder what it was?”
“He probably wanted to mail a fan letter to Lucky Lindy,” Willowby said. “Ol’ Lindy is probably the toast of the town these days, eh?”
“There hasn’t been a lot of fuss made over it lately, Willowby,” Max said. “That happened over forty years ago.”
“Fame is fickle,” Willowby sighed sorrowfully. “They probably don’t remember Abe any more, either.”
“As a matter of fact, they do,” Max said. “Every year, almost the whole country celebrates his birthday. To a lot of people, he’s a great hero.”
Willowby looked surprised. “That’s more than I expected. All that for Abe Berkowitz?”
“Berkowitz?”
“He invented the buggywhip with the patented fox-skin grip.”
“I had another Abe in mind,” Max said. “This one-”
“Max,” 99 broke in. “What about Professor von BOOM?”
“99, his name isn’t Abe. It’s Wormser.”
“Max, what I mean is, shouldn’t we be looking for him?”
“Oh. . yes.” He addressed Willowby again. “Which way did he go?”
“If you’re asking about that other dumpy little man who looked like he needed a keeper. .” Willowby pointed straight up. “He went thataway.”
Max peered up at the ceiling of the tunnel. “I find that a little hard to believe,” he said.
“Would you believe that I directed him back to the elevator?” Willowby asked.
“That makes a little more sense,” Max replied. He signalled to 99, then headed back through the tunnel.
“If you see Lucky Lindy-” Willowby called after them “-tell him some of us still remember!”
Max and 99 hurried back through the passageway to the elevator. When they reached it, Max punched the UP button, then they waited for the car to descend to their level.
“I wonder if it was ‘hand?’ ” Max said, as they stood near the elevator doors.
“If what was, Max?”
“The key word.”
“I don’t understand. What’s the connection between hand and post office?”
“If you request it, 99, you can have your letters hand-stamped. That’s because sometimes when they’re machine-stamped the impression penetrates the envelope.”
“Oh, I see-and the impression is stamped on whatever’s inside the envelope.”
“Correct. For instance, if you were mailing a butterfly to someone and the envelope was machine-stamped, the butterfly might arrive with ‘Buy U.S. Savings Bonds’ stamped on its wing. That can make a butterfly look like a professional flag-waver.”
The car arrived and they got aboard and Max punched the DOWN button and the car began rising.
“Or, maybe it was ‘finger,’ ” Max mused.
“You’re missing me again, Max,” 99 said.
“After I lick a stamp, it always sticks to my finger,” he explained.
The elevator reached the main floor, and Max and 99 got out and hustled along the corridor toward the front door.
“I just hope we’re in time,” 99 fretted. “The post office is only across the street. By now, he could have mailed his letter, or whatever he had in mind, and wandered off to somewhere else.”
“Did I by any chance mention the phrase ‘Through wind and rain and dark of night?’ ” Max said, preoccupied. “As I recall, that has something to do with the post office. I think it’s the excuse they use when they don’t get the mail delivered on time.”
“Max! Look!”
They had reached the front door and 99 was pointing toward the post office across the street. Professor von BOOM had just emerged and was descending the steps.
“Just in the nick of time,” 99 said, greatly relieved. “If we’d been a minute later, Max, we might have missed him.” She started out the door.
“Hold it!” Max said, putting a hand on 99’s arm, stopping her. “See those two men a few steps behind the Professor? I think they’re tailing him.”
“But, Max, look at their uniforms-they’re letter carriers.”
“Exactly what they want us to think, 99. But notice how lively they’re stepping. Doesn’t that strike you as somewhat suspicious?”
“You’re right, Max. A real letter carrier plods, doesn’t he?”
“And for good reason,” Max agreed.
“Yes-all that walking he does, day in and day out.”
“That’s not the reason, 99. The reason is that he wants to delay all the important letters as long as he can. Haven’t you ever heard the post office slogan-The mail must go through?”
“But, Max-”
“The complete slogan is: The mail must go through a long series of intentional delays in order to make sure that important letters do not get delivered until days after they’re expected, thus driving the intended recipient out of his ever lovin’ mind and making him more appreciative of his fine postal service when the letter finally is delivered.”
“I can understand why they shortened it,” 99 said. “But, Max, if those men in uniform aren’t letter carriers, what are they? Do you think-”
“KAOS agents, 99. No doubt about it. As you can see, they’re rapidly closing in on Professor von BOOM. Within seconds, they will probably grab him from behind, drag him into a waiting limousine (black), and speed away with him to their hideout.”
“Max! We have to do something!”
“Do we really, 99? Frankly, that sounds pretty exciting. I’d like to see it.”
“Max, remember. . duty!”
“Oh, yes. . that. Duty can certainly spoil some fun times, can’t it, 99.” He gestured resignedly. “Oh, well. . Let’s go, 99. You take the KAOS agent on the left, and I’ll take the KAOS agent on the right. Unless, of course, you have a preference. If you’d rather have the KAOS agent on the right, I wouldn’t mind at all taking the KAOS agent on the left.”
“I’m not particular, Max. But shouldn’t we hurry?”
“Haste makes waste, 99. First, let’s get a decision on which KAOS agent belongs to who. We’d feel pretty silly if we rushed over there and both grabbed the KAOS agent on the left, and the KAOS agent on the right, in the ensuing melee, got away. Or, vice-versa, if we rushed over there and both grabbed the KAOS agent on the right, and-”
“I’ll take the one on the left, Max,” 99 said wearily.
“I just hope, 99, that, on the way, you won’t take advantage of the woman’s prerogative to change her mind. If you did, and decided to switch to the KAOS agent on the-”
“Max! They’ve grabbed Professor von BOOM!”
“There are a lot of people who haven’t heard the old saying, ‘Haste makes waste,’ ” Max said. “Those KAOS agents, for example, probably haven’t the slightest notion that they’re bungling this.”
99 rushed through the doorway. “Max, hurry!”
“Coming, 99!”
Max and 99 dashed from headquarters, worked their way through the passers-by, and darted out into the street. At that same moment, they heard the ear-splitting roar of an engine. Max halted, stopping 99, too.
“Max! What is it?”
“Did you hear that? It must be some kind of a warning.”
“Warning? Warning?” 99 said frantically. “What kind of a warning?”
“You’ll notice, 99, that we’re crossing in the middle of the block. We should have gone to the corner.”
“But, Max, if we’d- Max!” She suddenly pointed. Max looked in the direction she was indicating and discovered the source of the ear-splitting sound. A huge mail truck was bearing down on them, its engine roaring.
“Uh-huh,” Max smiled knowingly. “It fits the picture very neatly. You understand, of course, what’s happening.”
“Well. . I can sort of guess,” 99 said. “I think we’re going to be run down. Is that right, Max?”
“I’m afraid you’re indulging in some very shallow thinking, 99,” Max said. “There’s a great deal more to it than that. In fact, what we’re involved in here is a typical example of the KAOS modus operandi.”
“Really, Max?” 99 said interestedly. “What does that mean?”
“Modus operandi, 99, is Latin for ‘the way they do it.’ The Roman cops, back in ancient times, used the phrase a lot. After they figured out how a crime was committed, they would refer to the method as the modus operandi. One cop, for instance, would say to another cop, ‘How did they do it?’ And the other cop would reply, ‘modus operandi.’ ”
“Max, that truck is getting much closer.”
“Of course, 99. It’s all part of the plan. When those KAOS agents spotted the Professor at the post office and decided to abduct him, they realized that the odds were that they would have to contend with you and me. So, they plotted to knock us out of the action. They sent one of their men to hijack a mail truck, and then to wait, with the engine running, until he saw us come out of headquarters. His task, at that point, would be to run us down.”
“That’s amazing, Max!”
“Elementary, 99. The fact that that truck is bearing down on us, and the fact that I recognize the man behind the wheel as a KAOS agent, makes the deduction fairly obvious.”
“Shouldn’t we step back to the curb, Max?”
“Let’s consider the consequences. If we do step back to the curb, that truck will pass by us just as the limousine arrives. Our view of the scene of the crime at that specific moment will be obscured. And, as a result, we will be unable to get the license number of the limousine.”
“But, on the other hand, Max-”
“Yes. . on the other hand. On the other hand, if we don’t step back to the curb, it seems very likely that we’ll be run down and killed. Although, without having handy the actual statistics on the results of accidents involving trucks and pedestrians, I wouldn’t want to commit myself on that. There’s a chance that we might come out of it only maimed for life.”
“Max, if we’re going to vote on this, I think I’ll cast my ballot for stepping back to the curb.”
“Haste makes waste, 99. I think I have a preferable solution.” He pulled his pistol from his shoulder holster. “What KAOS didn’t reckon on,” he said, “was my crack marksmanship. Now, watch this carefully, 99,” he said, aiming the pistol in the direction of the oncoming truck. “See that bright metal badge on the driver’s cap? I’m going to aim the bullet so that it strikes that badge at just the right angle and ricochets. The force of the impact will stun the driver and in a state of unconsciousness he will remove his foot from the accelerator.”
“I see. And that will stop the truck. But how will that help Professor von BOOM, Max?”
“After hitting the badge,” Max continued, “the bullet will veer off and strike that metal foot-scraper at the bottom of the post office steps. Once again, it will ricochet. It will then pass through the right wrist of the KAOS agent on the left, making him drop his gun, and then through the fleshy calf of the right leg of the KAOS agent on the right, forcing him to fall, and, in the tumble, drop his gun.”
“Max, that’s fabulous!” 99 enthused. “I can hardly believe it.”
“I’m not finished, 99.”
“Oh. . sorry. What then, Max?”
“The bullet will strike the cement sidewalk and ricochet once more. It will hit that lamp post, then that U.S. Army recruiting sign, then the brass knob on the door of that shop on this side of the street. Meanwhile, the limousine will arrive. And at that juncture, the bullet will ricochet off that mail box, and then crash through the windshield of the limousine and hit the driver square between the eyes, thereby eliminating the last of the kidnappers and saving the life of Professor Wormser von BOOM-not to mention, as a bonus, ensuring victory for our glorious nation in the space race.”
“Max. . you better shoot,” 99 warned. “That truck is almost on us!”
“Just a second, 99. I think the gun is jammed.”
“Max! Do something! Hurry!”
Max got down on his knees. “Maybe if I bang it on the cement,” he said. He rapped the butt of the gun against the street. There was the sound of a shot.
“Maybe we better get out of here,” Max said. “I think they’re shooting at us, 99.”
“Max, that was your gun! Look!”
The bullet from Max’s pistol hit the left front fender of the truck and ricocheted. It bounced off the post office building, returned, and smashed through a window of an antique shop, where it rang a set of Indian temple bells, then struck a tarnished tea kettle and ricocheted again. After emerging from the antique shop, the bullet hit, in rapid succession, the door handle of a passing automobile, a glass paperweight inside a box being carried by a department store delivery boy, a Coca Cola sign, Dick Tracy’s two-way radio wristwatch, a half-dollar being flipped by an old-timey motion picture actor, and the pure gold collar on a fat lady’s French poodle. Speeding merrily on its way, it then steered toward the antique shop once again.
Meanwhile, a crowd was gathering. And, fortunately, the mail truck that had been bearing down on Max and 99 had screeched to a halt. The KAOS agent at the wheel was leaning out the window, fascinated by the erratic progress of the bullet.
Max and 99 were watching, too. But they were becoming restless.
“Shouldn’t we go, Max?” 99 said. “We still have that packing to do.”
“All right, 99. I suppose there’s no real reason to stick around.”
“Oh, look, Max-there’s the limousine.”
“Mmmmm, yes. Nice looking car.”
The limousine had pulled up near where the two KAOS agents and Professor von BOOM were standing, following the antics of the bullet. The driver got out and approached them. The trio of KAOS men held a brief discussion, during which one of them pointed toward the antique shop, into which the bullet had disappeared. A moment later, the bullet emerged, and the third KAOS man joined the first two in observing it as it headed in the direction of the halted truck.
“Max. .”
“All right, 99, let’s go.”
They crossed the street. The bullet hit the badge on the truck driver’s cap, knocking him unconscious, then ricocheted again, shooting straight upward.
Max and 99 reached the KAOS men and Professor von BOOM. They were shielding their eyes against the sun, watching the fastly disappearing bullet. Max got out a notepad and tore out three sheets of paper. On each one, he printed: “I am a KAOS agent. Take me to Control headquarters.” He then pinned the notes to the KAOS agents’ jackets.
“Done and done,” Max said, pleased. “Ready, 99?”
“Any time you are, Max.”
Max got Professor von BOOM by the arm and he and 99 escorted him away. The Professor shook his head, coming out of the daze.
“Back to normal?” Max asked.
“Yes. . fine. .” von BOOM said fuzzily.
“That was pretty close,” Max said. “We almost lost you.”
“Only Max’s quick thinking saved you,” 99 said.
Max smiled. “Thank you for the compliment, 99. I hope you learned something back there about dealing with KAOS.”
“I hope so, too, Max. But, I’m not sure-it all happened so fast.”
“Magnificent shooting,” von BOOM said. “Absolutely stupendous. How did you do it?”
“Modus operandi,” Max replied.