Max and 99 spent the rest of the morning packing. It took considerable time because they were not sure where they were going. As the Chief had pointed out, the train might take the KAOS assassins only on the first leg of the trip to the meeting site. Consequently, Max and 99 might end up in the South, the North, the East or the West. So, they packed fur parkas, tennis shorts, ski boots, sandals, ear muffs and swim suits, and so forth and so on. Just guessing, Max speculated that their baggage weighed seven tons. As a result, they left it where it was-in the living room, kitchen, up the stairs, and in the bedroom-tossed a change of underwear into a manila envelope and left for the train station.
They had no trouble locating the train once they reached the station. It had both a number-one-thousand-four-hundred-seventy-six-and a name-The Miami Beach Local.
“Doesn’t this train go to New York?” Max asked the conductor as he and 99 climbed aboard.
“That’s right-it doesn’t,” the conductor, a fat, jolly-looking man with a white beard, replied. “We’re still on the winter schedule. All trains-including New York trains-go to Miami Beach.”
“That’s the first thing about this case that’s made sense,” Max said to 99, leading the way along the corridor to their compartment. “You know who ought to be running this country? The same people who manage the railroads. There’s an old saying: What’s good for the St. Louis, Lackawana, St. Pierre amp; Hudson is good for the St. Louis, Lackawana, St. Pierre amp; Hudson.” He opened the door to the compartment and looked in, then entered, motioning for 99 to follow. “These modern trains are certainly much different from the old ones,” he said approvingly, looking around. “Look-we have our own private coal stove.”
“It’s very nice,” 99 said. “But, Max, I think we ought to start looking for that contingent of KAOS assassins while passengers are still boarding.”
Max looked at her coolly. “99, I’ll make the decisions,” he said. “Not only do I have seniority, but I’m head of the family. And, you are all wrong when you say that passengers are still boarding the train.”
“I am, Max?”
“People are boarding the train,” Max explained. “They don’t become passengers until after they’re on board. See how wrong you were? Will you just let me make the command decisions from now on?”
“Yes, Max.”
“Fine. Now, let’s go start looking for that contingent of KAOS assassins while people are still boarding. And, while we’re doing it, we can also look over the passengers who are already aboard.”
Max and 99 left the compartment and began strolling along the aisle, sizing up the people who were boarding and the passengers who were already aboard.
“Be casual,” Max said to 99. “Make it look as if we’re simply out for a morning constitutional. It’s too bad we didn’t think to bring along a dog to walk.”
“I’m being casual, Max,” 99 said. “You’re the one who looks nervous.”
“I can’t help it,” Max replied. “I think, down deep, I have a guilty conscience about spying. My real philosophy is: what other people do is none of my business.” He held out a hand. “See? I’m shaking like a leaf. Let’s start jogging, 99, so we won’t be so conspicuous.”
“Jogging? Not conspicuous?”
“Everybody jogs these days, 99. But how many people amble up and down the aisle of a train looking for KAOS assassins? If I could only-” He suddenly brightened. “I’ve got it!” To calm himself, he got the Coolidge-head penny from his pocket, and casually flipped it into the air, then caught it, as they proceeded along the aisle.
“Max,” 99 complained, “now you’re making me nervous. I’m afraid you’ll lose that penny. It’s the only way we’ll have of contacting Control once we find out where the KAOS meeting is being held, you know. Without that penny, the whole mission might abort.”
“99, relax,” Max replied reassuringly. “Flipping a coin is as natural to me as eating or sleeping or crossing my toes. I do it without thinking. And, as far as I know, I never miss.”
“Sir!” a voice called.
Max and 99 stopped and looked back. A large, fat, evil-looking man wearing dark glasses was gesturing to Max. “I believe this is yours,” he said. He returned to where Max and 99 were standing and put the Coolidge-head penny into Max’s open hand. “You dropped it as I was passing you,” the man said. Then he turned and continued along the aisle.
“Max. . what was that you were saying?” 99 said.
“Well. . maybe I miss every once in a while,” Max replied. “But in the long run-”
“Not that,” 99 said. “I mean about crossing your toes. Max, that’s not natural. I’ve never heard of anybody who could cross their toes before. Max. . why didn’t you tell me about this before we were married?”
“I’m sorry, 99,” Max replied. “I just didn’t think it was worth mentioning. It comes natural to me, so I thought it was natural for everybody-as natural as being double-jointed.”
“Well. . a lot of people have double-jointed fingers, that’s true,” 99 said.
“Fingers? I’m talking about double-jointed eyelids. Don’t tell me that isn’t natural, either! I’m beginning to won-” Max abruptly interrupted himself, looking thoughtful. “99-that big, fat, evil-looking fellow with the dark glasses. Isn’t that a lot like what a typical KAOS assassin would look like?”
“Max, I think you’re right!” 99 looked up the aisle. “Do you see him? Where did he go?”
“I don’t see him at the moment,” Max replied. “But we know the direction he took-he went forward. And if you go forward on a train, the only other way you can go is backwards. You can’t turn left, and you can’t turn right. And we know he didn’t come back this way. So, if he didn’t stop going forward and reverse his direction and come back this way, then he must be- I’ll tell you what, 99. Let’s just stand right here. Maybe he’ll pass by again.”
99 pointed forward. “All we have to do is go that way-the way he went-Max.”
Max shrugged. “Frankly, it sounds too simple to me. But, I’ll humor you, 99. We’ll go that way.”
Max and 99 started forward, intending to track down the big, fat, evil-looking man in the dark glasses. At that same instant, however, the train began pulling out-and it started with such a jolt that Max and 99 lost their balance and stumbled backwards through seven cars, ending up on the rear observation platform.
“99! Are you all right?”
“Yes, Max,” 99 replied, rising. “How about you?”
Max got to his feet. “I’m not sure yet,” he said. He grimaced, as if exerting great effort. “Yes. . okay down there-my toes still cross,” he reported.
“Is it that difficult, Max?”
“Only when I’m wearing shoes,” he replied. He blinked rapidly. “Yes, I’m okay all over, 99,” he said. “The old eyelids still bend both ways. Now-where were we?”
“On the trail of the big, fat, evil-looking man with the dark glasses,” 99 replied. “Let’s go, Max!”
“Fine. And. . ah, on the way, 99. . ah, would you keep an eye out for a Coolidge-head penny, please. . When the train started, I was yanked right out from under it. It was in mid-flip and- Well, you get the picture.”
“Oh, Max!”
Proceeding slowly, looking into every nook and cranny for the Coolidge-head penny, Max and 99 made their way forward. When they reached the car they had been in when the train started, they found the fat, jolly-looking conductor with the white beard standing in the aisle examining something small in his hand and chuckling.
“Ah. . I wonder. .” Max said. “Is that, by any chance, a Coolidge-head penny?”
The conductor looked disappointed. “Oh, so that’s what it is,” he said. “I guess I was holding it upside down. I thought it was a Lincoln-head penny and Lincoln was wearing a false beard.” He handed the penny to Max.
“A beard that looks like an upside-down Indian head-dress?” Max said.
“Lincoln was a great humorist, you know,” the conductor explained. Then he moved on down the aisle. “Tickets!” he called. “Have your tickets ready!”
Again, Max and 99 moved forward. As before, Max flipped the penny to keep cool. And, once more, watching him flip it, 99 grew increasingly apprehensive.
A short while later, they reached the lounge car. There, at the far end, they spotted the big, fat, evil-looking man in the dark glasses. He was seated in a lounge chair and surrounded by nearly a dozen other evil-looking men in dark glasses-some fat, some thin and some just right. The object of their chase seemed to be holding court. One or another of the men would speak to him, then he would reply. And when he was talking all the others remained silent and attentive.
“Well, is there any doubt in your mind who the big, fat man in the dark glasses is, 99?” Max said. “That’s Arbuthnot. He’s the Great Teacher. And those are his students. I think we’ve found the location of the meeting. It’s being held right here on this train. Now, I’ll just rub this Coolidge-head penny and we’ll-”
“Max,” 99 broke in, “don’t you think we ought to be a little more positive before we have the Chief send a squad of Control agents to take these men into custody? Suppose that isn’t Arbuthnot? And suppose those aren’t-”
“All right, 99” Max said. “I have never been so sure of anything in my life. But, since, technically, I suppose, we’re still on our honeymoon and I’m humoring you, I’ll squander a little time and prove to you that I’m right. Now-see those two empty chairs near that group of men? Well, you and I will saunter over there and then we’ll occupy those seats and we’ll eavesdrop on the conversation. Okay?”
“Yes, Max.”
99 sauntered to the far end of the car and then sat down in one of the unoccupied chairs near the group of men that Max had identified as KAOS assassins. When she was seated, Max, still flipping the coin, moved toward her. He had taken only one step, however, when he missed the Coolidge-head penny and it fell in the aisle and then rolled under a chair that was occupied by a little old white-haired lady.
Max got down on his hands and knees and peered under the chair. The little old lady, misunderstanding, whacked him on the back of the head with her purse.
“I’m sorry, ma’am,” Max apologized, rising and rubbing the back of his head, “but I lost a valuable coin under your chair. I wonder if you would mind getting up for a minute?”
The little old lady cupped a hand around an ear. “What’s that you just lied to me?” she shouted. “I don’t hear good.”
Max glanced around. The lounge car was crowded and everyone was staring at him. He faced back to the little old lady. “I said I lost a penny under your seat!” he told her, speaking loudly. “Would you stand up?”
“I can’t stand the heat, either!” she shouted. “But it’s not hot enough in here to make a big, strappin’ boy like you go faint and fall in the aisle. Get along with you, now, or I’ll break open your skull with my purse and let the sawdust fall out!”
“You may have that purse full of sawdust, but it certainly didn’t feel like it when you hit me,” Max shouted back. “And if you use it on me once more, I’ll kick you right in the shins-I don’t care if you are a hard-of-hearing old hen with white hair!”
The little old lady smiled apologetically. “Why didn’t you say you dropped a penny under my chair,” she chided. “Go ahead and get it-I don’t mind.”
“Thank you,” Max said.
As soon as he had retrieved the Coolidge-head penny, Max joined 99, seating himself beside her and near the alleged KAOS assassins.
“No matter how it turns out otherwise, this trip is a success for me already,” he whispered to 99. “I finally found out how to handle little old white-haired ladies. You have to threaten to kick them in the shins.” He glanced toward the group of men in dark glasses. “Are you convinced yet?” he asked.
“Not exactly, Max,” 99 replied. “Listen to what they’re saying.”
Max leaned toward the group of men.
“Sir,” one of the thin, evil-looking men said to the big, fat evil-looking man, “all the yo-yo industry wants to do is make the men in the Army happy. We don’t care anything about selling yo-yos. We’d be happy to give these yo-yos to the men in the armed services, except that if we didn’t make a profit, we couldn’t pay our taxes, could we? And if we didn’t pay our taxes, where would the government get the money to pay the men in the armed services? So, do you see what I’m getting at?”
“Well. . ‘round-about, yeah,” the big fat, evil-looking man replied. “But ’splain it to me, anyways.”
“All the yo-yo industry wants you to do-as Chairman of the Committee on Army Purchasing-is to pressure the Chief of Staff to buy our yo-yos for three-hundred dollars a dozen. That way, we’ll make a bigger profit, and-if we’re caught-we’ll pay higher taxes, and, unless it’s used for something else, like raising Senators’ salaries, there will be more money to pay the men in the armed services. Get it?”
“I don’t know-do I get it?” the big, fat, evil-looking man asked. “And, if I do, what percentage?”
“Ten per cent, sir?”
“That’s fine. Just send the check to my favorite charity-the Society for the Preservation of the Coonskin Cap. Make it out to my wife-she’s the head coonskin.”
“Yes, sir!”
“Sir,” another thin, evil-looking man said, “we in the skinless frankfurter business have an old saying. It goes: What’s good for the yo-yo industry is good for the skinless frankfurter industry. Now, keeping that in mind. .”
Max leaned back toward 99. “Are you convinced?” he asked. “Shall I rub the Coolidge-head penny now?”
“Max! Those aren’t KAOS assassins! After hearing that conversation, don’t you know who they are? That big, fat, evil-looking man in the dark glasses is a senator. And all those other evil-looking men in dark glasses are lobbyists.”
Max glanced again toward the group. “You mean men who try to get senators and representatives and other people in government to do special favors for them?” he said. He turned back to 99. “That’s terrible! I didn’t think they were serious.” He shook his head. “I find that hard to believe, 99. He doesn’t look like a senator to me.”
“Of course not, Max-he’s wearing dark glasses. But, if you don’t believe me, ask him.”
“I will,” Max said. He moved his chair closer to the group, then broke in on the conversation. “Excuse me, sir,” he said, addressing the big, fat, evil-looking man, “but my wife and I are having a disagreement-”
“Bring it around when it’s born, and I’ll kiss it on the forehead,” the fat man said. “That’s the worst thing about being a statesman-all that baby-kissing.”
“No, I mean we have a difference of opinion. You see, I think you’re Arbuthnot, the international assassin and Great Teacher, and my wife thinks you’re just another corrupt politician. Which one of us is correct?”
“You’re both wrong,” the big, fat, evil-looking man replied. “I’m not ‘just another’ corrupt politician. Why, I’m famous from coast to coast and border to border for my corruptionness.”
“Oh. . well, I guess that answers my question,” Max said. “I’m sorry I slighted you by calling you ‘just another’ corrupt politician. Are you on Senate business now?”
“Yup. I’m headin’ down to Miami Beach to investigate all them terrible slum conditions in New York City,” the big, fat, evil-looking man replied.
“But, New York City is up North,” Max pointed out.
“I know that,” the Senator said. “But, what can I do? South is the way the train’s headed.”
Max moved his chair back to where it was before. “You’re wrong, 99,” he said. “That’s not Arbuthnot, the international assassin, it’s just another corrupt politician.”
“Max, that’s what I said. You’re the one who said it was Arbuthnot.”
“All right, 99-if that’s what you want to believe. I’m still humoring you, so anything you say-I agree. Now, let’s try to concentrate on the mission again, shall we? Look around the lounge car-do you see anybody who looks like a KAOS assassin?”
“I looked while you were talking to the Senator, Max,” 99 said. “I couldn’t find anyone who looked suspicious. Let’s stroll up and down the aisle again.”
“That’s very romantic, 99. But, don’t you- Oh, I see what you mean. And look for suspicious-looking characters, you mean.”
Max and 99 rose and left the lounge car and sauntered toward the rear of the train. Several cars later, they suddenly saw a herd of burly girls marching toward them. The girls looked a great deal like lady wrestlers.
“Back!” Max shouted to 99. “Flatten yourself against the wall! It’s a stampede! We could be crushed!”
There was a thundering sound as the burly girls drew nearer. Max and 99 pressed themselves against the wall. But they could not possibly flatten themselves out enough, and it seemed as if they would surely be crushed to pulp as the burly girls rumbled past. But, in the nick of time, the wall suddenly appeared to give ’way. Max and 99 stumbled backwards, out of the way, and the burly girls thundered by them, leaving behind a cloud of dust from the carpet in the aisle.
“That was close!” Max said. “What saved us?”
“The door opened and we fell into this vacant compartment, Max,” 99 explained.
“Oh. . yes. .” Max looked around, “Mmmmmm. . that’s odd, isn’t it? The train is crowded. . yet we have this vacant compartment. Do you suppose it’s being used by someone who doesn’t want it known that he’s on the train?”
“Max, I don’t quite understand your reasoning. .”
“Sometimes, 99, an experienced secret agent gets a hunch. He can’t explain it, but- You’ll notice, for instance, that there’s no luggage in this compartment. That makes it seem vacant. And yet, a closer look reveals this manila envelope, which contains-” Max opened the envelope and was peering into it. “-which contains-” He closed the envelope and dropped it onto the seat. “Nevermind, 99, you were wrong again,” he said. “If you’d looked on the door before we fell in here, you’d have noticed that this is our own compartment. Let’s get back to-”
From the aisle came the voice of the conductor. “Lunch! Lunch is now being served in the Dining Car! Lunch! Hear ye! Hear-”
Once more, the sound of a stampede was heard. The conductor leaped into Max’s and 99’s compartment, getting out of the way. A great mass of people suddenly galloped past the doorway. Then, just as abruptly, all became quiet once more-except for the sound of the dust settling.
“What was that!” Max asked the conductor.
“Just the folks going in to lunch,” he replied. “They all want to be first in line.”
“It looked like everybody on the train went past,” Max said.
“They did,” the conductor said. “I guess I better get up to the dining car and set the table.” He hurried out and then disappeared up the aisle.
“Well, now we know who the KAOS assassins are, 99,” Max said.
She looked puzzled. “We do, Max?”
“Of course. Didn’t you notice when that thundering herd went by that those big girls with those big muscles weren’t with them? That could mean only one thing!”
“That they were in the powder room when lunch was announced, you mean?”
“What I should have said, perhaps, is that it could mean only one of two things. The other one-the right one-is that they’re the KAOS assassins. Think about it, 99. Were those really big girls with big muscles, or were they actually big men with big muscles? Now, if they were men, isn’t it reasonable to assume that they’re the KAOS assassins in disguise?”
“I guess that is kind of reasonable to assume, Max,” 99 admitted. “But, frankly, they looked like girls to me.”
“99, I suspect I’ve had a great deal more experience at girl-watching than you. And I say they looked like men.”
“Max. . I’m hungry. Let’s go to lunch and argue about it.”
“Good idea.”
Max and 99 left the compartment and walked along the aisle in the direction the conductor had gone. When they reached the last car they saw the end of a line up ahead.
Max looked back. “I wonder where those men with the big muscles are?” he said, sounding a little worried. “If they’re KAOS assassins, they might be up to anything.”
Max and 99 got in line.
“My guess is, they’re girls and they’re on a diet and they’re skipping lunch,” 99 said.
“99, I think I know-”
The sound of marching was heard again.
“Here they come,” Max said, relieved.
A moment later, the burly girls marched into the car and got in line behind Max and 99.
“If those aren’t KAOS assassins in disguise,” Max whispered to 99, “my number isn’t 86. I’m going to try to get them to make a slip and reveal their true identities.” He then turned to the burly girl who was standing in line right behind him and who appeared to be the leader. “Well. . nice train ride we’re having,” he said cordially. “Which is quite a surprise, considering how crowded it is. You’d think there’d be chaos, eh?”
“Not for us,” the burly girl replied. “Everybody gets out of our way.”
“I see. Well, that means it’s chaos for everybody else, then, when you’re around. Is that right?”
The burly girl eyed him belligerently. “You trying to get fresh, puny?”
“Puny. Uh. . no, I was, uh, just, uh. . Well, uh, on your way to Miami Beach on vacation, are you?” Max asked.
“Business,” the leader of the burly girls replied. “We’re a team of lady wrestlers. We’re going down to Miami Beach to break some legs on some other lady wrestlers.”
Max faced back to 99. “A likely story,” he whispered. “They’re a team, all right-but a team of KAOS assassins, not a team of lady wrestlers.”
“Max. . they look like lady wrestlers,” 99 said.
“Of course. That’s the dead-giveaway. They wouldn’t look like assassins, would they? If they looked like assassins, we’d be able to spot them as assassins immediately. KAOS isn’t in the business of making things easy for Control, you know, 99. Now, watch this. With a couple deft verbal parries and thrusts, I’ll trick this assassin into revealing not only that he’s not a wrestler, but that also he’s not a lady.”
“Be careful, Max,” 99 said worriedly.
Max turned back to the leader of the burly girls. “Frankly,” he said, “I don’t happen to believe that you’re either a lady or-”
Max found himself sailing through the air, headed for the opposite end of the car. The burly girl, upon having her word questioned, had picked him up, held him over her head a moment, then sent him flying. A moment later, Max crashed against the door at the end of the car and with the usual thud, dropped to the floor.
“Max!” 99 cried, running to him. “Are you all right?”
Max shook his head groggily to clear his vision. “I probably won’t know whether I’m all right or not until after I see the X-rays,” he replied. “In the meantime, however, I think I’ve proved at least half of my suspicion. That fellow may be a wrestler, all right, but he’s certainly no lady!” With 99’s help, he got to his feet. “I think I’ll wait until after lunch before I prove the other half, though,” he said. “The next time I get thrown against that door, I want to have more padding inside me. I hope they’re serving something light and fluffy for lunch.”
Max and 99 returned to the line, which had become considerably shorter. As they approached, the burly girls steps back so that they could resume their place.
“No, you go ahead,” Max said to the burly girls. “You know the old saying: Lady wrestlers first, if you don’t want your arm twisted.”
The burly girls accepted Max’s gentlemanly gesture. One by one, they began entering the dining car. As the second from the last entered the car and the door closed behind her, Max turned to 99, looking puzzled. “Did you see that?” he said. “I caught a glimpse of the inside of the dining car when the door was open and it looked like a corn field.”
“Max, don’t be silly.”
“Just watch,” Max said.
The door to the dining car opened and the last of the burly girls entered. Then the door quickly closed.
“Max, you’re right!” 99 said. “Only it doesn’t look like a field of corn. It looks like a pasture-with Jersey cows!”
“99-I have a theory.”
“What is it, Max?”
“Do you suppose those cows ate that corn?”
“Max, I don’t think that’s the most important-”
“The sheep couldn’t have done it, you know. The sheep are in the meadow. It’s the cows who are always in the corn. At least, according to the story I heard. Remember that story, 99? The sheep are in the meadow, the cows are in the corn, Little Bo Peep is fast asleep under the curds and whey, while Jack be Nimble-”
“Max! The important thing is, I think we better find out what’s behind that door!”
“You’re probably right, 99,” Max replied. Cautiously, he got hold of the doorknob. “Stand back,” he said. “I’m going to open it.” He turned the knob, then pulled. But the door remained closed. “It won’t open,” Max reported, puzzled. He released the knob.
Just then, the door opened by itself. Instead of entering the dining car, though, Max — who was next in line-stayed where he was. He and 99 looked past the open doorway. What they saw, rather than the inside of a dining car, was scenery. A meadow, a farm house, then a pond flashed by. A moment later, the door closed automatically.
“That explains it!” 99 said, impressed.
“It certainly does,” Max nodded. He turned to 99. “You tell me your idea of how it explains it, then I’ll tell you mine,” he said.
“Don’t you see, Max? That door to the dining car is operated by some sort of electronic timer. It lets in one passenger at a time. But, actually, the door opens into space. The passengers didn’t enter a dining car, they stepped off the train-to their deaths!”
Exactly the way I had it figured out, Max said approvingly.
“What should we do, Max?”
“I think we better find that conductor,” Max replied. “He’ll probably want to put a warning sign on this door.”
99 looked back along the aisle. “Max. . we seem to be the only passengers left.”
“I know that, 99. That’s why I want a sign on that door. We could get killed going to dinner this evening if something isn’t done about the dining car!”