The Ups and Downs of Life - читать онлайн бесплатно полную версию книги . Страница 3

CHAPTER 3 In which are given some little episodes commonly called 'lovers quarrels'

When I woke up the next morning, the first thing I missed was my watch. It was a gold Barwise, and had belonged to my father; it was worth forty guineas.

'Damn it,' said I, 'I would not lose it for a trifle and the chain was worth twenty.' I never dreamt of suspecting my servants, they were true as steel. I must have left it at Mrs T-'s. By and by a peon came with a written advertisement (in those days when a man wanted to advertise, he wrote his advertisement, engaged a messenger, and sent him round to every resident in the cantonment). I took the paper and read as follows:

Whereas some gentleman, unknown, left a valuable gold watch and chain, maker's inscription,

'Barwise, No. 1,739', at a lady's house, last evening, this is to give notice, that the owner may have the same on applying to Captain M- of HM's — rd Foot. If not claimed within ten days, it will be sold to defray expenses.

I handed it back to Muniah; he hesitated and looked at me. 'Cuah munchta [what do you want]?' said I.

'The sahib's watch is here described,' said he.

'Pooh,' said I, 'take the paper away.' He did so. By and by a bearer brought a dainty little three-cornered note. I opened it and read:

Dearest Boy — I hope you got off all safe. M- was furious, for 'twas he, my friend; he burst open my door also, and behaved like a great brute as he is. I was lying down on the bed, all had been put straight. He swore terribly, and told me I had been untrue to him, that the gardener had told him little S- was with me, and little S- he would find and cut his throat!

I laughed at him, told him he had no right to intrude upon me, that if I had received him as a lover, he was not my husband, and had no right to be jealous of me; that as for me, I would have as many men as I liked, but that I preferred men and not babies like little S-, that little S- had not been there, and the gardener did not know him, and had mistaken somebody else for him; that I would not deny that a gentleman had been there, and one whom I liked much better than him! and that he might go to the devil for aught I cared.

'Oh!' said he, 'I may go to the devil, Clara, may I?'

'Yes! you great bullying beast, as soon as you like! What right have you to interfere with me, and break into my bungalow? I am only sorry my servants are not here that they might throw you into the tank!'

'Very well, madam,' said he, restraining his rage, 'I'll go since 'tis your wish, and I'll take this handsome gold watch and chain with me!'

Then, dear S-, I saw that you had left your watch, and I'm so sorry. Tell me its value, and I'll send you a cheque, you know I've lots of money.

He took one of my husband's rifles and ran down to the jetty. I saw you got off safe, God bless my dear boy! But now! send me a line, and say you are not going to fight. Ah! he will kill you, my own! he is a dead shot.

Write at once to her who loves you more than life.

Your devoted,

CLARA

'Boy,' I cried.

'Sahib!' said Ballaram, advancing.

'The buggy, quick!' (The buggy is a hooded gig, something like a cabriolet.)

'Yes, sir.'

The buggy came to the door. I leapt in and drove rapidly to Captain R-'s quarters; he was a noted duellist, and a capital second; better still, he was a man of honour. I told him the entire story.

'Your advice, R-,' said I, 'what is it?'

'Keep quiet, old fellar, and sacrifice the watch.'

'Can't be done,' said I, 'it was my father's, I would not lose it for a cool hundred.'

'Deuced awkward,' said R-. 'I'd buy it myself at the sale but you must see that whoever undertook to buy it for you would be supposed the owner, and have to stand up at twelve paces before that devil of a shot, M-.'

'I quite see that; but, suppose I go and claim it myself?'

'Of what possible good is even a gold Barwise to a dead man,' said R-.

'Stop a minute, my dear friend,' said I, 'don't arrive at hasty conclusions. Tell me, you are a man of experience; according to the present code of honour, has the challenged man the choice of weapons?'

'Undoubtedly; but everybody fights with pistols nowadays.'

'Pardon me, I don't.'

'No?'

'No! I fight with the rapier.'

'You? why you are a boy, what do you know of the foil?'

'Everything! carte, tierce, volte and demi-volte. I am a pupil of Angelo!'

'You are!'

'Yes, by Jove! and I mean to have my watch!'

'All right,' said R-, coolly, 'come along, we'll go and claim it, but mind, whatever he says, whatever he does, let him give the challenge. He shan't hurt you; he is a big fellow, I know, but I'll protect you; is this your buggy?'

'Yes.'

We jumped in and drove straight to Captain M-'s. A whole lot of fellows were there smoking.

I knew most of them.

'Devilish lucky for you they are here,' whispered R-, aside.

'How are you, M-,' said I.

'How are you?' said he, shortly.

'You have found a watch, I believe?' I asked.

'Yes,' said he.

'Will you let me look at it?'

'Certainly.'

'Ah! thank you, that is mine,' and I flung the chain over my neck, and put the watch in my pocket.

M- gave me a look of concentrated fury. 'Do you know, S-,' said he, 'if these gentlemen were not here I would strangle you!'

'Really!'

'I would, by God!'

'Then you would have been hung for murder.'

'I don't care!'

'Come, come!' said R-, 'this won't do old fellar, if you have any grievance against young S-

you've got your remedy, but I won't allow him to be insulted.'

'You be damned!' cried M-.

'All right, old fellar,' said R-, 'we'll settle our little affair afterwards, but, meantime, what have you got to accuse little S- of?'

'He's a blackguard and a scoundrel,' roared M-.

'You are a scoundrel yourself, M-,' said I, 'and have seduced Mrs T-. You are a coward and a beast, who has bullied her and me, you great blundering brute.'

'Very well, my little fellow, you shall pay for this bravado.'

'All right,' said I, 'my friend R- will receive any message you may wish to send,' and hooking on to R-, he and I strode out of the bungalow and drove off.

'You did that capitally; now you're all right; he never had a rapier in his hand in his life. He is a horrid bully, and I hope you pink him.'

'I'll try my best to do so.'

'Good! Now it's nearly seven, I'll come and dine with you.'

'With great pleasure,' said I, and we drove to the mess house and played a game at billiards, while waiting for dinner. At dinner I called twice for champagne, and made R- as welcome as I could.

My brother officers looked curiously at us; nobody ever asked R- to dinner unless a duel was on the tapis.

Dinner was over and we were sitting on the verandah smoking when J- of the — th approached.

'I want a word with you, R-,' said he.

R- rose up; they walked in the compound together. R- came back looking very merry.

'Well?' said I.

'All right, old fellar; with swords, tomorrow at six, at the old pagoda near the tank; but have you any weapons?'

'I have a pair of the finest rapiers you ever saw; they were made by Riviere, of Paris, and my great grandfather bought them there in 1742.'

'Did he fight?' asked R-, with much interest.

'Oh, yes, he killed Lord R- with one of those swords in the Bois de Boulogne the next year.'

'Really!'

'Yes.'

'You come of a good lot then?' said R-.

'Pretty well; but wait.'

Punctually at six we were on the ground next morning. R- held the swords in their antique shagreen case under his arm. We had not been two minutes on the ground when M- and J-

appeared.

M- looked very pale, but he sought to throw off his evident trepidation by an apparent bravado. 'It seems,' said he, laughing with great contempt, 'that if I escape the spit of young S-, I am to try my Joe Manton's with you R-.' (Manton was the great maker of hair-trigger duelling pistols in those days.)

'With all my heart,' said R-, 'you're a good shot, and I'm not a bad one, I hope I may get the chance, old fellar.'

'Gentlemen! gentlemen!' said J-, 'this is not en regle at all. I cannot allow this. You have the swords, R-, permit me to inspect them?'

He opened the case, measured them carefully, weighed them in his hand, and then said, 'It seems to me this is the best weapon, don't you think so, M-?'

'I know nothing about rapiers,' said M-, with disdain, 'I thought they were exploded with the last century, give me whichever my opponent rejects.'

'Not so,' said R-, 'my friend desires you will take your choice.'

M- chose the sword his friend had pronounced the best and we set to work.

Poor M- knew nothing of fencing, that soon became manifest; I was young, I had a heart then, I did not want to kill him, so watching a chance I ran him through the sword arm. The blood spurted out, the seconds interfered, but M- swore a great oath and said if I did not kill him, he'd kill me. His arm was bound up with a handkerchief, and he attacked me with the wildest fury; but I had not learnt of Angelo for nothing, and parried all his lunges; but at length he ran in and made such a desperate pass at my breast that I was obliged to volte, so that I received him on my weapon, and he fell back dead as a stone. They raised him up, but he never spoke, and so mounting our horses we rode off.

'It's just as well as it is,' said R-, 'for if you hadn't killed him, I should.'

Of course there was a court of inquiry and all that, but it being proved that I was the challenged party, I was released from arrest and ordered to return to my duty, Brigadier L- merely observing to me that it was as well to abstain from such rencontres in future, as they were quite contrary to the Articles of War.

Now it is very absurd, you will say, but I must confess I felt that poor fellow's death poignantly; after all he had been wronged, though not legally, and the respect which it procured me, did not compensate for the anguish I endured at having cut off in the prime of life a gallant young fellow of twenty-eight. I felt this for years afterwards. I often feel it now, and would give all I possess to be free from the stain of that man's blood.

Yet such is life, and so inconsistent is human nature, that it did not prevent me from passing the next night in the arms of Mrs T-, who called me her little Cid, her true knight, and caressed me in the most flattering manner. I told her I was sorry I had killed him; she laughed and said, 'Why, you silly boy, did he not take two shots at you, and the first that went through the sail seems to have gone very near your pretty little head. If he had hit you it would have been murder; your affair is a mere matter of course, an affair of honour, be easy.'

'But he could not fence, he knew nothing of the straight sword,' said I, 'it would have been more plucky if I had let him use his own weapon.'

'Nonsense, silly boy, he would have shot you through the heart as he did T- and D-, and poor young K-.'

'Has he killed so many?' said I.

'Oh, yes, he was a Goliath of Gath with the pistol, but my little David has slain the giant!'

I was a little comforted at this information, and began to think that it was just as well that M-

was out of the world, but I would rather that R- had killed him than I.

However, I threw off the megrims for the nonce, and gave myself up to the enjoyment of Mrs T-'s perfections.

What a happy night we had! what gamahuching, what fucking, and what a delicious supper she gave me. With her for the time, I was a little hero, and Venus never served Mars with greater empressement than that lovely girl did me that night.

Women may sometimes like a smooth cheek, and a boyish figure, but they adore a brave heart, and she thought me a worthy gallant. But, in point of fact, I had little to boast of but a skill in fencing.

'Tis true he had little to boast of but a correct eye at twelve paces, and would have killed me to a certainty; still his not being a hero did not constitute me one, and spite of all the flattery I received from her and others, the adulation of young ladies and the gracious looks of the men, many of them veterans in war, I was not happy at the result of that ever to be lamented duel.

Now although Mrs T- was certainly as fine a woman as any man could desire to possess, she was so very lustful and insatiable, that a very few days of her company sufficed to cloy me and cool my ardour, and the last night I passed with her I had some difficulty in bringing a second embrace to a satisfactory conclusion, notwithstanding all the blandishments of that lovely woman, so true it is that too much of the same pleasure wearies and nauseates in the long run. I was, therefore, not sorry to remember that the major would return on the morrow, and cut short our amorous meetings.

But there was, perhaps, another reason for my waning passion. I had made the acquaintance of a delicious creature, the wife of an artillery officer, to whom I paid great attention.

Mrs B- was just eighteen, and had been married about six months, she was the beau ideal of a pretty English girl. She had fine blue eyes, full of expression and even fire, an oval face, luxuriant chestnut hair and a charming figure. I admired her extremely, and did not attempt to conceal my admiration.

She evidently understood my glances, for she returned them, but steadfastly repelled all attempts at caresses. One fact I had ascertained to my great satisfaction, she did not care two straws for her husband; he, foolish man, had not succeeded in pleasing his young wife. She had married him to comply with the wishes of her friends (like most girls who go out to India), because they assured her he was a suitable match, and could offer a handsome settlement, and found out too late that he had nothing in his temperament to suit her ardent nature.

Now it happened at this time that the officers were getting up some theatrical performances, which were to precede a masked fancy dress ball, and the only obstacle they met with was to find officers sufficiently young, clever and willing to undertake the female parts.

A deputation from the theatrical committee waited upon me and exhausted all their persuasions to induce me to take the part of Laura in Love, Law, and Physic, but I absolutely refused.

'I'd no idea,' I said, 'of being turned into a girl just on the eve of a fancy ball.'

By and by some of these fellows went to dine with Captain and Mrs B-, and complained very much of my obstinacy.

'Perhaps,' said Mrs B-, 'a lady might be able to induce him to comply; accept my good offices.'

They were delighted, and tendered her their thanks.

The next day she invited me to tiff (lunch) with her, tete-a-tete. I accepted the invitation with rapture. As soon as we had got all we wanted, she told the servants they need not wait, and at once opened the campaign. I began to relent.

'But, my dear Mrs B-,' said I, 'I shouldn't know how to dress myself, I've no idea in the world how women's clothes are put on. I should make of myself the greatest guy in the world.'

'But suppose,' she said, with a bewitching smile, 'that some lady were to offer to be your tirewoman; suppose, for example, I were to consent to dress you?'

'You!'

Yes. I myself!'

'In that case I would undertake to act in twenty farces!' cried I after reflecting for a moment.

'But your husband, what would he say to that?'

'My husband, indeed! I hope you don't suppose I ever allow him to intrude into my dressing-room! You are very like a young lady who arrived at the cantonment the other day, a Miss J-. I happen to know she is not well, and as she has often been here, if the servants see you, they would merely say if asked that Miss J- had been with me; that is after I have dressed you, mind, prior to that you must not be seen by any mortal, and must come through the plantation at the back of the house, to my bathroom window, which opens on it; you will find nobody in the garden. Sit down under the window till I come to you.'

'At what time?' cried I, enchanted at the prospect of an intrigue so completely after my own heart.

'Oh! about half-past seven or eight; I shall take an hour to metamorphose you; but remember one thing, you must not smoke one cheroot all day tomorrow, or you will spoil a little afterplot on which I have set my heart.'

While she was talking, I had stealthily passed my right hand under the fall of the tablecloth, and was toying with her polished thigh about two inches above her garter.

'Don't be rude,' she whispered. 'Imprudent boy, don't!'

I gave her a look.

'What wicked eyes you have!' she whispered again.

'Everybody else says the same thing,' said I, 'but this plot of yours — tell me your plot?'

'You know Feridoon, as they call him, Cornet F-, of the — th Cavalry,' said she, blushing prodigiously, and pushing away my hand, which I had forced higher up her thigh.

'Oh, yes, the ass!'

'Is he not!' said she. 'Well, before I married, he had the effrontery to pay his addresses to me!

and, since my marriage, has so persecuted me with his attentions, that everybody has noticed it and my husband has spoken to me about it. I told him I detested the fellow and that he was welcome to kick him out of the compound, or set his servants to do it when next Mr F- had the presumption to call. This pacified Charlie, and he took his measures so well that I have not seen my persecutor since, but I want to be revenged on him, and as my revenge is a mere harmless joke, you must assist me.'

'With all my heart,' said I, 'only tell me what to do, and I'm your man.'

'Well,' said the dear creature, smiling archly, 'after the play is over you must put on a mask and get into my palankeen, apparently to go to your quarters to change your clothes, but instead of taking you there, the bearers shall have orders to make a detour and deposit you at the ballroom door.

I shall be sitting on the first couch on the left-hand side; you will come and seat yourself beside me. I shall introduce you to F- as Miss J-, he will ask you to dance, and you will keep him at work all night, and torment him a little, won't you dear!' and she put her hand down to squeeze my leg; but I had released a certain prisoner who had long been rampant, so that when she put her hand down she caught hold of — !

'Oh, you naughty, naughty boy!' she exclaimed, snatching away her little hand, but at the same time blushing and smiling. 'You'll torment him, won't you?'

'You shall see,' said I.

'Well then, au revoir, little S-, till we meet tomorrow evening!'

I cast upon her a look full of love and took leave.

Punctually at half-past seven I took up my post under the bathroom window of pretty little Mrs B-.

After waiting about a quarter of an hour the jalousie was opened! how my heart beat with expectation!

'Are you there S-?' said a soft whisper.

'Yes, my angel.'

'Then jump in, quick!'

I sprang into the bathroom. She immediately closed and bolted the jalousie blinds. I threw my arms round her waist and covered her face and neck with kisses.

'Do be quiet, you naughty tiresome boy! leave off, sir! you'll make me angry presently.'

'Nonsense, Ellen!' I whispered passionately, 'we understand each other!'

'And if we do,' said she gravely, 'that's no reason you should compromise me. My husband is at home, dressing for the ball, so you must restrain yourself. Now, mind not one word even in a whisper,' and she led me into her dressing-room, where a lamp was burning. She then bolted the door opening into the bathroom, and signed to me to strip. Never did I denude myself of my clothes so rapidly. She let me draw my shirt over my head, but when I was going to pull off my trousers, 'Stop, stop!' she whispered, scarcely above her breath, 'you need not take those off, you can roll them up above your knee.'

'I'll be hanged if I do,' said I in the same low tone of voice, and before she could prevent me they were off, and stark naked I stood before her, stiff and erect!

'Oh, you naughty boy, this is too bad! it is indeed!'

'Ellen, I must have you! indeed, indeed, I must!'

'Oh, my God, no!' she sighed out still in a whisper.

'Then I'll go away,' said I, 'I can't stand this,' and I began to pick up my clothes.

'Stay!' she said, laying her hand on my arm. There was a magic in that monosyllable. I caught her in my arms and bore her blushing to the bed. I had just got into her, and was in the height of bliss indescribable, when there was a knock at the door, 'Well! what is it?' said she sharply.

'Ellen, my love,' said her husband, 'have I left my razor strop in your dressing-room? I fancy I did, when I came in to speak to you this morning,' said he.

'My dearest love, I don't know, I'm sure, but I'll look. I'd open the door and let you come and look for it yourself, but Miss J- is with me, and we are both undressed. I'm going to take her to the bal masque, you know; dear me, no I can't see it anywhere, how very tiresome, you can't have left it here, dear!' said the little puss.

'Oh, never mind, my love,' said poor B-, 'don't trouble yourself, I beg!' and away he went.

'Oh, how he did frighten me!' said the poor little thing.

'Never mind, dear, it's all right now!' and I plied her with vigour; my hands roved over every beauty; soon her eyes swam in tears of delight, she flung her limbs around me, she kissed and hugged me, and soon our climax came.

'Oh, oh!' she whispered, 'I — am so — afraid I shall sc-ream, delicious!' and we lay melting in bliss.

But soon recovering ourselves we renewed the soft encounter, and when that was over, we rose up to dress. She put the bed straight, tied my clothes all up in a bundle, and dropped them out of the bathroom window into the garden; then putting rapidly upon me one of her laced chemises and handing me a pair of silk stockings, and rose-coloured garters, she clapped on my head the most perfect female wig I had ever seen; it had springs which made it fit close to the head, and the parting was white silk. I glanced at the mirror, and did not know myself in the least. I beheld a laughing rosy girl, with a profusion of dark brown hair falling in ringlets all over her shoulders; it was myself. Then I put on a pair of white satin shoes and she laced up my stays and put a great pad of wool for each breast and a padded belt on my hips; then came three petticoats, then a white muslin dress, made rather high in the neck, and with short sleeves; then she placed a real rose in my bosom, ruthlessly ran a great needle through both my ears and hung in a pair of superb emerald earrings, flung a necklace of pearl round my neck, which, with my face, she powdered, and then, handing me a pair of white kid gloves, she pronounced me perfect. I glanced at the mirror again. It was truly wonderful! Then she began to dress herself, I assisting her and kissing her lovely back and shoulders and breasts all the while. She had got on her chemise and was lacing her stays when there came another rap at the door; she ran and opened it. It was B-.

'Sorry to disturb you, my pet,' said he, 'but are you girls coming with me in the carriage, or do you take the palankeens?'

She opened the door wide enough to let him see me as I stood with my back to the door, and then said, carelessly, 'Why, no dear. I shan't be dressed for some time yet — you see I'm halfnaked — so I won't keep you waiting, poor old boy; but keep places for us at the theatre, near you, you know! Ta, ta!' and she shut and locked the door again.

When we had heard the carriage drive off, I said, 'Why did you open the door and let him see me! what an imprudence.'

'Little simpleton, not at all! he only saw your back, and he saw that my companion was really a young lady.'

'Yes,' said I, 'and he saw that muslin dress, and will recognise it on the stage, and will know that I am not a young lady.'

'For which reason we will change it, my dear, put on this lilac silk, your figure is so slight it will fit you I'm sure.'

'If you're going to take this muslin dress off me, I know what I shall do before you put the other one on.'

'Now, now, naughty.'

'Yes, dear Ellen, do, do.'

'Well, be quick then,' and she unfastened the dress; it was off in a moment, and we were on the bed in a trice. What a rapturous fuck it was!

When we had a little recovered ourselves I said, 'But there is yet a difficulty to be overcome. It is clear if I act the part of Laura in this lilac silk, I must change it ere I take the part of Miss Jermyn in the ballroom; spite of my mask and your fair protection, I should be detected by the dress, which would spoil all.'

'For which reason,' said the clever little woman, 'you will be brought back here by my bearers, and you will tell my ayah [maid], that you don't feel very well, that you will be down for half an hour, and then go to the ballroom; you will then lock that door and change your dress again, substituting the muslin and rose for the lilac silk and brooch. She will not see the lilac silk at all, as I shall lend you my white capote which will envelope you from head to foot; when you have got the lilac dress off, you will fold it up carefully and put it into that drawer, and lay the muslin one over a chair; at the expiration of half an hour, call my ayah, and let her help you on with the muslin dress, telling her that you took it off before lying down, fearing you might tumble it.'

'Why, I declare!' said I looking at her with admiration, 'you have a real genius for intrigue.'

'You flatter me.'

'I — not at all; you are a buttercup; kiss me darling!'

She did so.

'Well now we're ready, let's be off,' and away we went.

My palankeen deposited me at the stage door, her's took her to the dress circle.

'What have you done with your fair companion, my love?' said her husband as he made room for her beside him.

'Oh, isn't it tiresome,' said she, 'she does not feel well, and is obliged to be down, poor dear; she won't be able to come to the play, but she has promised to join me afterwards at the ball.'

The curtain drew up, and the farce commenced. I was well up in my part, but having to appear at the window of a romantic-looking cottage, and respond to the enamoured strains of my gay Lothario, as the devil would have it, I made a sad mistake, for be it known that the reverse side of that romantic cottage was a mass of whitewashed boards and dirty cobwebs, and against this ricketty erection was placed an equally ricketty ladder, on which I, poor Laura, was standing, in imminent peril of my neck; when, therefore, Lothario, falling on his knees, exclaimed, 'Allow me to salute you a la militaire!' I was so flabbergastered that I quite forgot what pretty reply I ought to make; whereupon the prompter, Captain P-, gave me a tremendous pinch in the calf, exclaiming, 'Damn it, why don't you answer,' this in a whisper. But I, feeling the pinch, and forgetting my character, shouted out,

'Damn it, don't pinch so.'

To hear the lovely Laura use such an expression at such a sentimental moment, of course, set the house in a roar of laughter, while ironical bravos saluted my ear on every side; as for poor Lothario, he looked ridiculous enough still kneeling before the cottage.

Silence being at length restored, Captain P- went on the stage and thus addressed the audience: 'Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Laura begs to offer her humble apologies for the slip of the tongue of which she was guilty and promises not to offend in future, if you will allow the piece to proceed.'

The play then went on, and the curtain fell at length amidst loud applause. Laura was called before the curtain, was loudly cheered, made her bow and hooked it.

Strictly following the directions of Mrs B-, I lay down for half an hour then called the ayah, and by and by appeared in the ballroom in the muslin dress and masked like the rest. I seated myself near Mrs B-; her husband was standing by.

'How do you feel now dear?' said she.

'Thank you very much, I am better now, my headache is gone, and I feel pretty well.'

'I'm so glad, dear.'

'Shall you dance tonight, dear Mrs B-?' said I.

'No, my love, I think not! but here comes Mr F-, he's so fond of dancing.' F- advanced rather timidly and bowed.

'Why Mr F- where have you been this last week? I have not seen you for an age,' said she, giving her husband a droll look.

"Gad I've called a good many times on you, my dear Mrs B-, but you were always denied to me.'

'Really, how sorry I am!'

'Perhaps you'll make a fellar amends by dancing with him?' said the lout.

'Couldn't do it my good man, I am quite tired, I merely intend to look on; but here is my friend

— Miss J-, Cornet F-; Cornet F-, Miss J-. She will be happy I'm sure.'

'Vewy prowd, miss, I'm sure,' said F-, with an awkward bow.

'Oh, I love dancing,' said I, with a languishing air.

We stood up; I danced eight sets with him and two waltzes, and never parted with him an instant. At four in the morning he took me in to supper, I devoured nearly a whole chicken, four slices of tongue, and drank nearly two bottles of champagne. F- regarded me with a sort of grotesque horror, and I heard him whisper to a friend,

'Such a devil of a girl! I'm nearly dead, by Jove; she eats and drinks like an ogress.'

I had the greatest difficulty in restraining my laughter. As for the ladies they regarded me with amazement.

Supper over, I rose up and whispered to F-, 'Take me into the ante-room, my garter has come down.'

F- offered his arm with a nervous air; arrived in the anteroom, I put my foot upon a chair, and pulling up my clothes about four inches above the knee, said, 'Well, put up my garter, you fool, can't you?'

F- plucked up his courage and performed the office required, but then took the liberty of slapping my thigh; I administered such a box on the ear as sent my gentleman flying to the other end of the room, where catching his spurs in the door mat, he fell to the ground. I walked off and seated myself beside Mrs B-, and told her the sequel.

'He'll find you out, my friend,' said she.

'Not a bit of it,' I said, laughing, 'if he talks of my dancing and eating, and the garter, you will say to everybody that he is a mean fellow, who took an unwarrantable liberty with the poor girl.'

'Very well, but now, my dear boy, you must go; remember you go straight into my dressing-room, strip as quick as possible, put all the things in the bottom drawer, then get out of the bathroom window and put on your own clothes, and get home as soon as you can. I'll detain Charlie here another half-hour, that will give you time; good-night.' I pressed her hand and left. I found my clothes under the window, and was soon fast asleep in my own bungalow.

It was eleven o'clock the next morning before I opened my eyes, I sprang off the cot, plunged my head in cold water, drank a cup of coffee, lit a cheroot, and seated myself in my easy chair on the verandah, as right as a trivet, but that was my 'age of iron'. In youth we can do such things, and all is couleur de rose, but grown old and grey, we succumb at last.

F- was furious. He saw that Mrs B- had played him a scurvy trick, but being a fool, he never fathomed it.

In relating this anecdote to my friends, I have been wont to embellish a little, and have told them that I declared myself to F-, and apprised him who Miss Jermyn was, such was not the case, it was never known to anyone but Mrs B- and myself; nor should I now tell the story, but, alas, dear Ellen, her husband and F- have been dead for years, and its narration can do them no harm, though many of my contemporaries yet living will recognise the initials, and remember the circumstances.

A few days afterwards the whole cantonment was scandalised by an affair that happened.

Mrs T- had supplied my place with young B- of the — th Dragoons and he used frequently to pass the night with her.

One night it happened that a servant, to whom she had spoken harshly, having previously had some suspicions of her fidelity to her lord, took it into his head to watch her through a hole he had made in her bedroom door. The patience of these natives is proverbial; he watched patiently till one in the morning, then he heard three raps at the jalousies of her bedroom (the window); she sprang out off the bed and opened them and young B- leapt in. They stripped themselves naked, she got on the top of him on the bed; the servant ran to his master's room and told him; the major, without making any noise, placed two men with loaded pistols under the window, with orders to shoot any person who came out, and then seizing a heavy horsewhip, went and burst open his wife's door; he surprised them in the act; he flogged his wife till the blood ran in streams; B- sprang out of the window, and was shot down by the watchers. The major, quite exhausted, went and locked himself in his room.

They flung B- into the lake, but he managed to get out, and crawled home with his right arm broken, and a ball in his groin.

The next day the major was found dead in his cot; the excitement had killed him, he had broken a blood vessel; he died without having time to alter his will, and Mrs T- retained all his property and her own; she removed B- to her house and nursed him in his illness; he sold out of the service, and they returned to England together, but whether he married her, or what became of them I could never learn. This affair made a great noise at the time, and seemed to render other persons who were carrying on intrigues very circumspect in their behaviour.

As for Mrs B- and myself, we arranged a plan by which it was next to impossible for a discovery of the amour to be made.

She used to visit me at night, enveloped from head to foot in a native veil, and often when my servants thought I was entertaining some Mohammedan girl, I was in fact enjoying the society of my pretty Ellen.

A year thus slipped pleasantly away; we had become very spooney on each other, and this dangerous sentimentality would certainly, in the end, have led us into a scrape. But fortune was propitious enough to order it otherwise. Captain B- received a staff appointment in a distant district, and we parted with eternal vows of constancy, fidelity and eternal love!

Some natural tears we shed,

But wiped them soon.

In fact, before she had been gone a week, I found consolation in the arms and charms of the enchanting Mrs H-. She was extremely beautiful, but had one defect — her teeth were bad, and when she opened her mouth she spoilt her face, yet I used to say of her that 'she was pretty in spite of her teeth'. And many others thought so too. Her husband was a 'prig', and an old woman to boot. He was a great poultry fancier, so while he disported himself with his cocks and hens, I made love to his wife.

She had a brilliant complexion — a lovely white and red — her hair was black, her eyes hazel; she was of a nature to feel passion, and of an age to declare it — in fine, she was piquant. But all her charms were lost on her sposo; he was a little plain mean-looking fellow, with a squeaky voice, and looked like a eunuch! Heaven only knows if he was one; to add to his defects, he was a 'Newlight', as the would-be saints of those days were called. I never knew a more contemptible creature; he stood in some awe of his handsome wife, who took care to have her own way.

As I did not admire bad teeth, I would only poke this woman in one way, and that was en levrette. She made great opposition at first, but soon got to like it, especially as I said to her, 'My love, in this attitude you gain an inch.' She had the most splendid back, and her hips and nether hemispheres were superb; her breasts, however, were not perfect, and not so firm as I could wish. At the end of three months we tired of each other and parted; I returned to the native girls, while she threw herself into the arms of Lieutenant W- of the — th N.I.

After I had been ten years in India, I took my furlough and returned to England. I had been very fortunate in the number of deaths that had occurred among the officers of my regiment, and found myself a captain at six-and-twenty, a rare thing in the company's service. I had quite resolved to lead a bachelor life. But my excellent mother, luck, Providence, or what you will — decreed otherwise.

My mother had been plotting and making up a match for me before my arrival. The lady was a reputed heiress with an estate of twenty-five thousand pounds; an only child, her parents declared that they could not let her go out to India — so my resignation of the service was made a sine qua non; how I could have been so besotted as to comply with this absurd condition, I know not; but so it was that having ascertained that the estate really existed, and finding the young lady had considerable personal attractions and seemed inclined to like me, I yielded in an unhappy hour to the solicitations of my mother. We were married.

After the ceremony we started in a carriage and four for Dover en route for Paris, and at that gay capital we passed the winter of 1844; we spent about fifteen hundred pounds in the five months we were there, the money being supplied by her mother from time to time. All this was very well, yet strange to say I grew very discontented; my wife was exceedingly jealous, so that whenever I even looked at a pretty face, I was treated with a pout, or a fit of the sulks, or with tears, which made her eyes red, and spoiled their expression. I began to long for the freedom I formerly enjoyed; and I found, too late, that fetters may be irksome, even if made of gold.

My temper soured, I was ennuie, hipped and miserable. We returned to England; there a new annoyance awaited me; that dear mother-in-law of mine told me we had been very extravagant and must retrench; that she had taken and furnished for us a pretty cottage in Devonshire, and that in future her daughter's allowance would be four hundred a year. I was furious, and gave vent to my wrath in no measured terms; my wife took her mother's part. Upon this extra aggravation I told them that they might both go and live at their pretty cottage for aught I cared, or go together to the devil; but as for me, with all my friends in town, and me the darling of the ladies — go, I would not. There was, of course, a regular row; the two mammas-in-law quarrelled.

Then came recriminations; each old lady accused the other of plotting and match-making, and to make an end of a long story, my wife went home with her mother. I accepted one with mine, and returned with her to Bruton Street. I never spoke a word till I found myself tete-a-tete with my mother that evening after dinner.

'My dear son,' said she, 'I am sorry to see you so much concerned; those people have behaved shamefully!'

'Mother, you have married me with a vengeance!'

'My dear child,' cried the old lady, 'do pray consider I did it all for the best, the girl seemed such a sweet creature, and so young too, scarcely seventeen, and you know the estate exists; how unhappy I am!'

'My dear mother, you have simply ruined me, that's all! Only ruined me. I had got my captaincy, my pay was pretty good, and with the hundred and fifty pounds a year Uncle Charles left me I did very well. I was not in debt. I enjoyed life. But now with respect to this precious estate of theirs … My solicitor has been down to D- Hall, and made some enquiries on the spot; subsequently he has made some enquiries in town; the estate turns out to be heavily mortgaged, the trees have been felled in the park, and the old man will soon be "up country", as we used to say in India. The estate is not entailed, and, in short, you have married me to a pauper in fact! with her eight quarterings, and an escutcheon of pretence in the centre. Bravo! clever mother!'

'My dear, dear son, you astonish, you shock me beyond expression! and is it so bad then, and will your wife have nothing?'

'Next to it,' said I, 'she has a hundred a year she inherited from her grandmother, and she may get another hundred out of the wreck of her father's property, that is, if he does not mortgage every acre before he dies, the brute!'

I did not see my wife for two years, during which I had a dear girl in keeping, at a little suburban villa, and occasionally diversified my amusements by an amour of a more recherche character, and was beginning to feel tolerably contented again, when one morning there came a very peremptory letter from my father-in-law.

After reproaching me with neglecting his daughter, he went on to say that he was somewhat embarrassed in his affairs, and could no longer afford to keep her, and added that unless I at once took her back, or made some suitable provision for her, he should put the matter in the hands of his solicitor. 'Pooh!' said I, and I tossed the letter into the fire with the greatest contempt. But there was another letter, I recognised the handwriting, it was from my wife. It was couched in terms so humble, so affectionate, so everything that the most exacting of men could require, that, deceived by it, I relented.

My mother wrote to her; she joined us in Bruton Street; I gave up my suburban villa and my fair friend, and tried to hope we might yet be happy. For the first month all went well, but unhappily, among my mother's servants was a little parlour maid, a sweet pretty creature, the daughter of a tradesman. She had received a pretty good education, and was not at all like a servant, either in manners or appearance. I had seduced this girl, though she was but fourteen, before my wife came up to town, and the difficulty was how to carry on the amour after her arrival without being discovered.

Little Emma cried bitterly when she heard who was coming, and from the first I saw the two girls took a mortal dislike to each other, yet all went well for a month. At the end of which time, unfortunately my mother was obliged to go into the country to see a relative who was ill.

No sooner was she gone than my wife betrayed a jealousy and a vigilance of Emma that almost debarred me from ever even speaking to the dear little girl. So I had recourse to the pen, and wrote Emma a long letter, enclosing a five-pound note and assuring her that my wife, who was very religious (God save the mark!), would certainly go to church the following Sunday, and that then we should get a chance. This note, by the aid of honest John my mother's footman, and half a sov., I managed to get conveyed to her.

I woke up with a (pretended) severe headache, and declared I felt too ill to get up. My wife was all obsequiousness and attention, and herself brought up my breakfast (I knew quite well why).

She even offered to stay at home and read the church service to me, and a sermon! But I affectionately declined, and begged she would not remain away from church on my account. So to church she went.

When the bells had done ringing, I rang the bell. To my surprise John appeared.

'Hullo, John! where's Emma?'

'Now, Master Edward, you are too bad, indeed you be!'

'Damn it, man alive! where is she?' and I gave the poor old fellow, who had known me from a child, one of my fierce looks.

'Gone to church, sir.'

'Gone to church! by whose orders?'

'Mrs S-, sir.'

'The deuce!' and I looked so wretched, that honest John took compassion on me.

'Mrs S- watched her out of the house, sir; but Emma's a clever girl, she'll be back directly, now the bells have done.'

'My dear old John, you restore me to life,' and jumping out of bed, I hugged the old man in my arms.

Just then Emma entered, I ran to her and carried her to the bed. 'Go now, John,' said I, 'you're a real trump, you shall be well paid for this service,' and I pushed him out of the room, and locked the door. Then I tossed up the darling girl's clothes, I gamahuched her, I fucked her on the spot. What a scene it was! we had both fasted so long that we were quite rampant. How she flung her fair limbs over my back! gods! how she spent on the bed; how she bit, wriggled and fucked. Oh! it was delicious.

Again and again we returned to the charge! we took no heed of time. Just as we had died away in our third embrace, there came a rapping. 'For God's sake, sir!' said poor John in a subdued and agitated whisper, 'Mrs S- is coming up the stairs.'

Sauve qui peut! became the order of the day. Emma dashed into my dressing-room, and as madam opened the bedroom door, made her exit by the other and reached her own room in safety. I turned my face to the wall and pretended to be asleep. I heard the rustle of my wife's silk dress as she swept into the room, and trembled.

'And how are you now, dear?' said she, seating herself on the bed.

'Eh! ah! who's that? Ah! I believe I was asleep.'

'Poor fellow!'

'Oh, never mind,' said I, 'it is quite time I was awake.'

'How's your head, poor old boy?'

'Better, thank you, love. I shall get up, I think.'

'Do, darling, if you like.'

'Yes, I will,' said I, and I flung first one leg and then the other out of bed.

'Why, dear me, how flushed you are,' said she.

'Yes, I feel rather feverish.'

She felt my pulse, 'Why you are in a high fever; what a pulse!'

'Oh, damn the pulse, I shall be cooler after my tub,' and I made my exit into my dressing-room and locked the door. Refreshed with my cold bath, I dressed and descended to the dining-room. I was hungry, and luncheon looked tempting. The sherry I knew was good; a man stands on no ceremony with his wife, so I set to work. It never occurred to me till I had finished, that it was odd she didn't come down. But then it struck me all at once, and I began to reflect: 'She has been examining the bed, or she has found a shoe or a garter or something belonging to that poor little girl.'

I rang the bell; John appeared, he looked very pale.

'What's the matter, John?'

'Sir, my young mistress is crying upstairs ready to break her heart. Hannah was coming downstairs, and heard her say to herself, "Oh, Edward, Edward! I could have borne anything but this, this is too, too cruel!"'

'Just go up, my good man, and tell her luncheon's ready.'

Poor old John! He gave me a look — such a look — and away he went.

Presently he returned.

'Mrs S- will be down directly, sir.'

In a few minutes my lady stalked into the room; there was no trace of tears on her face, she looked like one of the Furies; in the tips of her delicate fingers, in the very tips, and as if she thought them polluted by the contact, she held out to me a remarkably pretty little lace cap, ornamented with a cherry-coloured ribband. The cap was white and clean as driven snow, yet had it been filthy and full of vermin, she could not have regarded it with greater disgust. There was a storm brewing, that was evident, so I became as calm as possible. That is a peculiarity of mine.

'Sir!' said she, with a grand air, 'may I be permitted to enquire how this cap came in your bed?'

'Yes, madam! you may enquire; sorry I can throw no light on the subject,' and I coolly lit a cigar; she watched me like a tigress about to spring.

'Do you dare, sir, to lie in my face! Whose cap is this?'

'Perhaps,' said I, stopping to pull at my cigar, for it did not draw well, 'perhaps it is Hannah's, you know she might have dropped it when she made the bed yesterday.'

'Hannah's indeed!' she cried, with great contempt. 'No, sir, it is not Hannah's, as you know quite well, but that little slut Emma's! And how came those stains on the bed, sir? answer me that.'

'Really, my dear madam, you are becoming so experienced that I know not how to reply to you. What stains do you allude to, I cannot surely have had a wet dream?'

'Wet dream, you vile, bad, debauched man! I know what they mean very well!' and she flew at me like a panther, and planted such a tremendous box on my right ear as nearly knocked me out of my chair.

I very calmly flung the remainder of my cigar under the grate, and seizing both her wrists with a grip of iron, forced her into an armchair. 'Now you little devil,' said I, 'you sit down there, and I give you my honour I will hold you thus till you abjectly and most humbly beg for mercy, and ask my pardon for the gross insult you have inflicted upon me.'

'Insult! think of the insult you have put upon me, you vile wretch, to demean yourself with a little low-bred slut like that!' and struggling violently, she bit the backs of my hands until they were covered with blood, and kicked my shins till she barked them.

'I say, my dear,' said I, 'did you ever see Shakespeare's play of Taming the Shrew.'

No answer.

'Well, my angel, I'm going to tame you.' She renewed her bites and kicks, and called me all the miscreants and vile scoundrels under the sun. I continued to hold her in a vice of iron. Thus we continued till six o'clock.

'If it is your will and pleasure to expose yourself to the servants,' said I, 'pray do, I have no sort of objection, but I will just observe that John will come in presently to clear away the luncheon and lay the cloth for dinner.' A torrent of abuse was the only answer.

'You brute,' she said, 'you have bruised my wrists black and blue.'

'Look at my hands, my precious angel, and my shins are in still worse condition.'

By and by there was a rap on the door, 'Come in,' said I. John appeared. 'Take no notice of us, John, but attend to your business.'

John cleared away the luncheon, and laid the cloth for dinner. Exit John.

'Oh, Edward, you do hurt my wrists so.'

'My ear and face are still burning with the blow you gave me, my hands are torn to pieces with your tiger teeth and will not be fit to be seen for a month, and as to my shins, my drawers are saturated with blood,' said I.

'Let me go! let me go directly, wretch!' and again she bit, kicked and struggled.

'Listen to me,' said I, 'there are 365 days in the year, but by God! if there were 3,605, I will hold you till you apologise in the manner and way I told you, and even then, I shall punish you likewise for the infamous way you have behaved.' She sulked for another half-hour, but did not bite or kick any more. I never relaxed my grasp, or the sternness of my countenance. My hands were streaming with blood, some of the veins were opened, her lap was full of blood, it was a frightful scene.

At length she said, 'Edward, I humbly ask your pardon for the shameful way I have treated you. I apologise for the blow I gave you, I forgive you for any injury you have done me, I promise to be docile and humble in future, and I beg — I beg,' she sobbed, 'your forgiveness.'

I released her hands, pulled the bell violently, told John to run immediately for Dr Monson (the family physician), and fell fainting on the floor. I had lost nearly a pint of blood from the wounds inflicted by the panther. When I recovered my senses I was lying on the sofa, my hands enveloped in strapping, plaster and bandages, as were also my shins. Emma and my wife knelt at my feet crying, while Monson kept pouring port wine down my throat. 'Could you eat a little,' said he kindly.

"Gad, yes,' said I, 'I'm awfully hungry; bring dinner, John.'

They all stared, it was ten o'clock; however dinner was served, though sadly overdone, having been put back three hours. John had only laid covers for two, presuming my wife and I would dine tete-a-tete. I told him to bring two more. Monson and my wife raised their eyebrows — 'Doctor, stay and dine with us, call it supper if you like; Emma, I desire you to seat yourself.' She made towards the door. 'Augusta,' said I, addressing my wife, 'persuade Emma to dine with us. I will it.'

'You had better stay,' said my wife, with a sweet smile. Emma hesitated a moment, and then came and sat beside me.

It was a capital dinner, although damaged, and we all did justice to it. When the cloth was removed, and John had put some port on the table (my mother never gave anything but port and sherry), I proposed a toast, 'Here's to the man who knows how to tame a shrew!' The doctor and Emma looked rather blank, my wife cast down her eyes. 'A bumper! a bumper!' said I, 'I will it.' All three looked at me with some compassion, and filled a bumper and drank it off. At half-past eleven, John brought coffee, after which Monson rose up, and taking my wife aside said in a whisper, which I heard quite well, 'Madam, be careful what you are about; your husband has been shamefully ill-used, and had he died, as I expected he would, you would have been arraigned at a criminal bar for manslaughter. You are a woman of violent passions, learn to restrain them.'

I had one of my bandaged hands up Emma's clothes while he was saying this, and was feeling her lovely young cunny. It was nuts to crack for me.

Dr Monson gone, I rang the bell. 'John, you and the servants can go to bed,' said I. John cast an enquiring glance at Madam and Emma, bowed and retired.

I asked Emma for my cigar-case, as for Augusta, I did not notice her. I lit a cigar, and drawing Emma on my knee, sat before the fire and smoked. 'You can go to bed, Augusta,' said I, as if she was the servant and Emma the wife, 'I shall not want you any more.' The humble woman took her candle, and wishing us both good-night, went to bed.

'Oh, Edward,' said poor little Emma, 'what a dreadful woman she is, she nearly killed you, you nearly bled to death! Dr Monson said two of the great veins at the back of each hand had been opened by her teeth, and that if she had not given in when she did, you would have bled to death.'

'But here I am all alive, my sweet.'

'But you won't have me tonight, mind.'

'Won't I though!'

'Now, Edward! pray don't, you are too weak!'

'Then this will give me strength,' said I, and I drank at a draught a tumbler of Carbonell's old port. I made her drink another glass, and then we lay down on the couch together. I fucked her twice, and then in each other's arms we fell asleep.

It was six o'clock the next morning when I woke up. I aroused Emma, and told her I thought she had better go to her own room, before the servants were about; my hands were very painful, so arranging with her when and where she should next meet me, I went upstairs to bed. My wife was fast asleep. I held the candle close to the bed and looked at her; she was lying on her back, her hands thrown over her head. She looked so beautiful, and her large firm breasts rose and fell so voluptuously, that I began to be penetrated with some sentiments of remorse for my infidelities. I crept into bed, and lay down beside her. I soon fell asleep. I might have slumbered some two hours. I was aroused by being kissed very lovingly. I was sensible that a pair of milky arms clasped me, and that a heaving breast was pressed to mine. I soon became aware of something more than this, which was going on under the bedclothes. I opened my eyes and fixed them upon the ravisher! It was Augusta. She blushed at being caught, but did not release me. I remained passive in her arms. My hands I had lost the use of. Inflammation had set in in the night, I felt very feverish, in an hour more I was delirious; I became alarmingly ill.

I pass over that illness; suffice it to say I kept my bed a month, having the best of all nurses, a mother. As for my wife, she was very zealous at first, but after a week she wearied, and went out of town on a visit to her mother. My mother was very angry at this, but I did not blame Augusta for going, she was young and a sickroom is a dull place.

There was one thing they both agreed in, however, and that was that I should see Emma no more; the opportunity was therefore taken, during my delirium, to send her off to an aunt somewhere in Shropshire, I believe, but wherever it was, I never saw the dear girl again.

I slowly recovered, and then it was arranged that we should go to Hastings for a month.

Lodgings there having been taken, my wife rejoined us in town, and to Hastings we went. I soon recovered my usual strength and spirits, and nothing could be more amiable and charming than Augusta, who seemed determined to spare no pains to make me entirely her own. Pursuant to this resolution, she even became amiable to my mother, never contradicting her and yielding in everything.

Peace having been thus happily restored, there seemed every probability of things going well, when an affair occurred which effectually destroyed these alluring prospects.

We were walking one day on the sands when we were passed and repassed several times by a very handsome couple, who were promenading likewise. The lady I recognised at once, but pretended not to know her. She was in fact the little discarded chere amie of the suburban villa before alluded to.

Each time she passed me she bowed with a bold, confidential air, but finding I was resolved not to know her, she grew angry. 'Jack, old fellar!' she cried to her young friend, 'do me the favour to knock that man's hat into the water — he has insulted me.' This was said sufficiently loud for us to hear. My wife's eyes flashed fire; she surveyed her ci-devant rival from head to foot with a gesture of such indescribable hauteur and ineffable disdain that poor little Jessy was cowed in an instant, and cast her eyes on the sand.

I never admired Augusta so much in my life as at that moment; pity she was my wife; but for that chain I could have loved, could have admired her.

The young man, the companion, a gentlemanly-looking fellow enough, advanced and raised his cane with an evident intention of tipping my hat into the waves. I did not stir, but said quietly, 'My friend, you had better not do it, because if you do, I shall be under the very disagreeable necessity of flinging you in after it!'

At this moment Jessy struck down his stick with her pink parasol, merely saying, 'I thought the gentleman was something more than an old acquaintance of mine, but he seems to have forgotten the intimacy,' and she added, 'and has found a fairer partner!'

'Madam!' said I, lifting my hat for the first time, 'this is my wife!'

Jessy looked positively shocked — disbelieve it, ye virtuous Pharisees, if ye will — Jessy the courtesan, my cast-off mistress, with two big tears in her lovely eyes, bowed her head with a meekness I had never seen her exhibit before, and faintly exclaiming, 'Madam, I humbly ask your pardon,' placed her hand on the arm of her companion, and led him quickly away.

'Well, sir!' said Augusta, turning sharply upon me, 'this is truly a charming rencontre for your wife to have. And it was quite as likely to have occurred in Pall Mall, or the Park, as here.'

'Quite as likely,' said I.

'Sir, is there any end to your infidelities, how many more are to be intruded upon my notice?'

'Here's the old leaven working up again to the surface,' thought I, so I answered accordingly,

'That is a question which I extremely regret to say I am unable to answer.'

'Not answer! why you know the difference between right and wrong, I suppose, and as a rational being, can abstain from evil if you choose.'

'My dear angel! don't preach, we are not in church but here on the sands, with nobody but these merry little crabs and periwinkles for a congregation. Now, in the first place, I am not at all sure I do know the difference between good and evil, i.e., what the conventional parsons, and the conventional world, are pleased to call good and evil, and inasmuch as I am, at least I hope so, a rational being, I may for example abstain from you, and think it a good action, while I may idolise another girl, and not deem it a bad thing.'

She looked so wretched that I felt touched. 'Will you allow me to offer an explanation of the late unhappy rencontre?'

'Oh, explain as much as you like, a man with such principles can lie at his pleasure.'

'Excuse me, madam, a gentleman cannot lie, at least what I call a gentleman, a man of honour.'

'Man of honour, indeed! You gentlemen and men of honour do not hesitate to seduce women and deceive your own wives, to fight duels and kill your adversaries; men of honour, indeed!'

'Ah,' said I, 'that's not the same thing at all, all's fair in love and war, you know. But I maintain that no real gentleman, a man of birth and education, and properly brought up, can tell a mean, sneaking lie for a mean purpose.'

'As you please, sir, tell your story if you wish to do so.'

'Who, I? not the least in the world; hear the explanation or leave it alone, just as you please.'

'I prefer to hear it.'

'It will take a few words; I kept Jessy before, not after, my marriage and discarded her when I did marry.'

'Why did you not tell me so before?'

'You did not give me the chance.'

I thought this denouement would have mollified her; on the contrary she became taciturn and sulky. Oh, woman, woman! if you did but know your little game better. If you did but know how a kind word, a genial smile, will bring the culprit to your feet; if you did but know how temper and the sulks will drive your sposo from you. If you did but know this, how many marriages might be happy, though not 'made in heaven'. But, alas, there is a perversity about wives; like the scorpion, they wound themselves with their own sting, and then exclaim, 'See how shamefully I am treated!' and the kind conventional world adds, 'Amen!'

In fine we parted a second time, and I did what I thought a magnanimous thing. I ordered my agent to pay over to her my entire private fortune,?150 a year. I was laughed at by all my dear friends for my folly.

Then came a series of disasters. Our family solicitors, a firm that had managed the affairs of the family for three generations, turned knaves, and my poor mother was plundered of all her property.

She was obliged to dismiss all her servants and send her furniture and carriage to the hammer. A country baronet, a man of fortune, a relative of hers, came to her aid and allowed her a hundred a year, and a small house at Brixton received her and her wrecked fortunes. I took an affecting farewell of my dear parent.

'But what will you do, my poor boy?' said the affectionate creature.

'Earn my living, mother, I hope, and help you,' said I. We parted.

For two years I drove the Cambridge mail, but not under my own name. I made about three hundred a year and have reason to think I was much liked on the road. The adventures of that part of my life alone would form a volume, but as this proposes to be an erotic autobiography, I abstain. The advance of the railway system closed this avenue of my career at last. Then I started some fencing rooms in London. Some time after I had become thus engaged, my wife, I could never learn how, found me out. She called upon me, she was beautiful as ever, there was a scene of course, it ended by my agreeing to live with her again. The gods alone know how many infidelities I had committed since we had parted six years before. She never knew them. I accompanied her to the depths of Hampshire, to a certainly charming cottage she had there in a remote hamlet, not a hundred miles from Winchester. Now, it was an anomaly in her character that she, with all her fanaticism, all her pride, should condescend to a meanness. I thought it paltry, and I told her so frankly on our journey, but she represented to me that she had always spoken of me as her husband, Captain S-, and nothing would do but I must be Captain S-.

'But you know,' said I, 'I resigned the service, and have no claim to the title.'

'You have the claim by courtesy,' she said, 'I know several people who call themselves captain and major, merely because that was their rank when they sold out. So you may set your conscience at rest.' I yielded the point.

The cottage was charming, the garden full of flowers, the poultry yard perfect, the pony chaise a bijou, the pony, a rough Welsh one, which required no grooming.

There was an orchard, a meadow, and a little Alderney cow; there was only one servant, a blooming, bouncing, buxom girl of sixteen, who did everything and thought herself 'passing rich on six pounds a year'.

Now let the casuists explain it, I cannot, but the three years I passed in this delightful spot -

The world forgetting,

By the world forgot -

were the happiest of my chequered existence.

Augusta would strip naked, place herself in any attitude, let me gamahuche her, would gamahuche in her turn, indulged all my whimsies, followed me about like a faithful dog — obtained good shooting for me in the season, and a good mount if I would hunt. Then the squire showed us every attention; the rector and his wife were profuse in their civilities; I had as many whist parties and dinners as I could desire; and all this time I abstained from the blooming servant-maid; I was faithful for three years.

I! A rake, a man about town, fond of gaiety, of theatres, of variety, of conviviality, say — ye casuists — how was it? But so it was; and, sooth to say, I was very happy; a bold rider, I rode with the foremost; a good shot, I bagged my whack of game; while my anecdotes of Indian shirkarree (hunting), and of 'pig sticking', delighted the squire; and here I may observe that it soon got to be pretty well known that I had driven the Cambridge mail, but so far from injuring me, it made me the more sought after; in those days many a swell had 'taken to the road', and the examples of Sir Vincent Cotton, Lord C- and Sir Charles R- were sufficient to prove that a gentleman might do this.

What with an occasional invitation to the mess, to the squire's or to the rectory, what with hunting and shooting and gardening and fishing, I did not find a country life so triste as I had expected.

Then Augusta knew how to please me, when she liked; nothing could exceed her cleverness in the art of manipulation; she had large and firm breasts, a small and round waist and most voluptuous development of hips; her hands and arms were well turned and handsome. What gamahuching there was — what blisses celestial — the gods and I alone know. And thus passed three golden years, the happiest in my life. From this dream I was awakened by my wife becoming enceinte; from that moment 'a change came o'er the spirit of the dream'. Her whole thoughts were now given up to the

'little stranger' we expected, all day long nothing was to be seen but baby clothes lying about the room; she could talk of nothing but baby — drew off my marital amusements, cooled wonderfully in her manner and finally drove me, as it were, to seek elsewhere for the pleasures I no longer found at home.

When the child was born, matters became worse, everything was neglected for the young usurper.

My comforts all disappeared, and at length I became so disgusted that I left her, and going up to town had a long interview with my relative Lord E-.

The earl seemed to think I had been ill-used, and gave me a cheque on his banker; I took up my quarters at the Old Hummuns in Covent Garden for a week, to reflect on the next step I must take.

But as a man cannot sit all day yawning over the paper without getting deucedly hipped, I determined to go to Drury Lane Theatre.

So dining upon the best the house afforded at six, by half-past seven I found myself in a capital seat in front of the dress circle. In those days it was a dress circle, where the ladies always appeared in extremely low dresses, naked arms and diamonds (if they had any), and the men in white waistcoats, neckcloth and gloves, black coat and continuations.

That is all changed now. But to resume. I had not taken my seat more than ten minutes when I became aware that a lady in a side box was examining me with her lorgnette with great earnestness. I raised my own and levelled it at the fair creature, whoever she might be, in the private box.

'Yes it is certainly her! no, it cannot be! yes, by Jove! it is Mrs B- herself' I had not seen her for eleven years. By gaslight, and elegantly dressed as she was, it was not possible at so great a distance to see if time had made any havoc in her charms, but I was pleased to see that her only companion was a beautiful girl of fourteen or fifteen; I bowed with empressement, she made a gesture with her hand, I arose and joined her in her private box. There were so many enquiries to make on both sides, that we no longer took any notice of the performance.

After I had narrated my matrimonial escapade — and as many of my adventures as I thought it prudent to tell — she related to me that her husband had been dead about four years; that she was a widow, and intended to remain one; that she had eight hundred a year, and a nice house in Porchester Terrace, Hyde Park; that the young lady was a niece of her husband's, an orphan entirely dependent on her; that she would not disguise from me that she had entertained gentlemen sometimes when they took her fancy, and wound up by inviting me to go and visit her for a month. No invitation could have come so opportune, and I accepted it with all the more pleasure as it proved to me that she still took an interest in her old flame. She had never had any children.

While we were talking we had gradually withdrawn ourselves behind the curtain of the box; I had drawn her on my knee with her clothes up, my right hand was slapping her great bottom, which I rejoiced to find had increased in dimensions and was as hard as ever; with my left I explored the grotto of love, which was only altered by the profusion of silky curls that now entwined themselves like the tendrils of a vine around the face of it.

She was now thirty; when last we parted she was a young wife of nineteen. But having never undergone the pains and wrenches of parturition, and having had but light riding in the arena of Venus — she came to my arms as plump and fresh as a rose; her bubbies, too, were the same lovely snowballs, only, if anything, of greater size and volume than heretofore.

We left the theatre about ten, as we had something better to do than to listen to the comedy.

The carriage drove first to the Old Hummuns for my luggage; I paid the bill and accompanied her to Porchester Terrace.

'But,' said I, whispering in her ear, as we rode along, 'how do you manage to conceal your intrigues from your servants?'

'There is a secret communication, my dear friend, between my bedroom and the room you will occupy, and as Constantia shares my room, they will never suspect anything, will they Con?' she added to the girl, to my very great surprise.

'Oh dear me, no, ma tante!' laughed the merry girl, 'do you remember when Jack Clavering of the Guards, came and stayed a week, what fun we used to have, but it was never found out — '

'Hush! chatterbox,' cried Mrs B-.

'It seems to me,' thought I, 'I am in for rather a nice thing — I wonder if she'll let me poke the little one!'

'There is only one thing I must caution you against,' said my fair hostess. 'Take liberties with me only in my room, and keep a guard on your tongue, and on those wicked eyes of yours. I look upon all servants as spies, whom we are necessitated to pay and retain that our domestic wants may be attended to. You know I am an Irishwoman and have a great contempt for your comme il faut English society, still there is no occasion recklessly to throw away one's reputation, when a little care would save it. Now, mind, I shall speak of you as my brother; for aught my people are aware, I may have been Miss S- before I married; but here we are I see, we must drop the subject now.'

The carriage stopped, I jumped out, and handed out the ladies, we ascended the steps together, the coachman looking well pleased at getting home two hours sooner than he expected.

We all went into the dining-room.

'George,' said Mrs B- to her footman, 'tell Maria, to place my brother's luggage in the same room Major Clavering occupied. The captain [meaning me], has come up to town unexpectedly,' said she with the most wonderful effrontery.

'Yes, ma'am,' said the man, and exit George.

'Do you eat suppers, my dear friend?' asked my hostess.

'Can't say I care for them,' said I.

'Neither do we, but will you not take something, some negus, with your cigar? come, have a cigar!'

'And make your silk damask curtains smell like a taproom for a month? No! no! I won't smoke here if I know it.'

'But we like it, don't we, Con?'

'Oh! the dear cigars, yes! they're charming,' said Con.

'But I have another reason,' said I.

'Another reason!'

'Yes [lowering my voice], smoking enervates!'

'Then pray don't smoke!' said Mrs B- with an enchanting smile.

We sat over the fire for an hour chatting, and then went to bed.

A staid upper housemaid, of a certain age, very demurely showed me to my boudoir, and to prove to her that I was the pink of propriety, I immediately locked the door. I threw myself into an easy chair before the fire, which, with my slippers, had been most invitingly placed there, and waited

— presently I was startled by a scratching at the inside of the door of a large mahogany wardrobe, which stood with its back against the wall which divided Mrs B-'s room from mine. I fixed my eyes on the press with astonishment, then I saw a little note slipped under the door. I ran and seized it in an instant, and read as follows:

Undress yourself and put on your nightdress and robe de chambre only; in about ten minutes we will let you in — burn this at once.

I put the paper in the fire, and undressed accordingly.

At the appointed time the wardrobe door opened, and the charming smiling face of little Constantia appeared; she had nothing on save her lace nightdress, and her lovely blonde hair hung down her back long below her waist, in wavy locks of gold; she laid her finger on her lips to enjoin silence, and beckoned.

I entered the wardrobe, the door of which she immediately locked, and when she touched a secret spring in the panel at the back, it sank gradually down into the floor, displaying the interior of another wardrobe, in the next room, the door of which stood open; the next minute I was clasped in the arms of Mrs B-. An argand lamp cast a voluptuous light over the sumptuous chamber, while a bright fire rendered it warm and pleasant. She was quite naked and ready for action, we threw ourselves on the bed, while little Con sat at the foot of it to see the fun. The novelty of the situation aroused all my energies, the idea that that pretty young girl was looking at us fired my senses, and to work we went in right good style; no part of either of us was concealed from the little girl, who at length got so excited that she began manipulating my balls, and feeling the great cock with her little hand as it went in and out.

Then her aunt begged she would come and stride over her that she might gamahuche her, and that at the same time I might behold the beauties of her dimpled bottom. Little Con obeyed with alacrity, but the annexed engraving will convey a better idea than words of the luxury of the attitude.

All that man ever enjoyed with woman, all that poets ever imagined, I realised at that moment.

To see the red tongue of that beautiful woman dividing and opening the little coral pouting nether mouth of the sweet young girl, to have all her youthful perfections thus spread out before me was in itself an enchanting treat — but to enjoy at the same time the ripe charms of her aunt, to feel her bounding buttocks bang against my thighs, to slap and toy with her nakedness and feel her spend, I was in the seventh heaven.

As to my pretty hostess, she seemed almost beside herself with delight. She opened wide her mouth, and tried hard to grasp with her lips the entire cunny of the young girl. She forced up her tongue its entire length. She caressed me with her hands, she entwined her legs and then threw them wantonly about.

She bounded and spent; ye gods! how she spent. As for little Con, she was quite as demonstrative; she jutted out her pretty person, wriggled, grasped the pillows and bed curtains and kept saying, 'Oh, it's so nice! Ah! I do like it so very much. Ah, oh! ah!' and she yielded up her dew from the petals of her lovely rose. Then my partner's climax and mine both came together. I hugged her closer in my embrace, I buried my face in those white hemispheres of the beauteous little Con, and so sent a copious shower into the garden of delight beneath.

After about five minutes respite, I was again primed; this time I had Mrs B- en levrette, while her niece lay on a pillow for me to gamahuche her. This was also a delicious fuck.

Then nothing would do, but I must poke little Con while Mrs B- contemplated the scene. I found it was not the first time the little filly had been served.

She was very tight, notwithstanding her little cunny had been well lubricated by the salacious tongue of Mrs B-.

The young girl backed up extremely well. I pressed my face to her exquisite little pointed breasts, I clasped her lovely little bottom — what new and delightful pleasures I experienced. Her cunny had a wonderful contractile power, such as I had never before experienced with woman or girl, and seemed, as it were, to nibble you and draw you in. The darling girl covered me with kisses, and hugged me tight, saying, in a sort of smothered, subdued voice. 'Oh! it is so nice, dear, I do like it so,'

etc.

I am afraid I must confess that at that moment I was so rude as to forget that Mrs B- was in the room, I would infinitely rather have had the young girl alone for the rest of the night. But that could not be; my fair hostess had fasted for some weeks, and only flung me the little girl by way of incentive. She no sooner saw that we had finished, than she claimed her rights, and what's more, she got them too. I was at that time about four- or five-and-thirty, in the prime of life, in fact.

My invitation to pass a month ended in my staying three. I must admit it was not all sugar though, for on one or two occasions Mrs B- (my sister that is!) gave me a taste of her temper; it seemed I was too partial to little Con, and twice I had to vacate my room for a rival. But then on one occasion that rival was the Duke of D-, and on the other, Lord George P-, so, of course, I could not complain.

At length I was fairly fucked out, and could do no more execution. Then, that dear Mrs B-, with that enchanting smile of hers, informed me that the Duke had sent her a superb diamond bracelet, and had given her a cheque for a cool thousand. The latter she insisted on presenting to me, as she did not want the money. 'Adieu, my dear friend,' said she, 'you can now go to Baden-Baden, and drink the waters for a year, at the end of which time, return my old acquaintance, and if you are restored to vigour, you will find me the same.'

Thus we parted. Now what shall I say? The saints and hypocrites who will read this will exclaim, 'What a miscreant this man is.' Read thus far, did I say? Oh! fie! do saints and hypocrites read naughty books? Aye! marry do they, and go home and frig themselves, the beasts, or bugger their footmen. Don't abuse me, you blasted humbugs, members of the Society for the Suppression of Vice!

forsooth! Look at home, most worthy religious people! How long is it since one of your Reverend Members was collared by a bobby for assaulting a common, dirty porter boy in the urinal of a railway station, and sentenced to penal servitude for life? Answer me that? A clergyman of the Established Church, too! fie, fie! Gentlemen, I leave such illicit pleasures to the clergy; as for me, I'm a mere fuckster. I like women, and I have them. Go along, you damned, old sodomitical buggerers, and have your boys; but in common honesty, leave honest men to fuck their women in peace, and be damned to you!

'There you go again,' says some captious fellow, who is reading this veritable history,

'digressing again. Damn your old eyes, mind your fucking!'

'It's all very well, sir,' say I, 'but please to consider the tyranny of these people. And all they want is to turn a penny; damn them, they live by their virtue, such as it is.'

Pardon me, gentle, fair, or angry reader, whichever you be, for this digression, but I am a man of spirit, and bite when I'm trod upon. To resume:

And whose fault was it, that I committed these adulteries? Surely my wife's. Had I not been faithful to her for three years! had I not let slip many chances during that time? Venus, thou art a goddess, thou knowest all things! Say how many divine creatures I neglected during that time? for though buried in the depths of the New Forest —

Full many a flower (there) is born to blush unseen,

And waste its sweetness on the desert air.

So saith the poet, and true it is.

And the baby she idolised and loved so well, he grew into boyhood, and she spoiled him, and he grew to man's estate, and became a curse and a disappointment. Go to! now ye fond mothers, who drive your children. What profit have ye? Go to, I say.

But in six months this woman began to feel certain motions of nature, which told her there were other joys besides the pleasure of spoiling her breasts to give suck to her brat, and she wanted to see her sposo again. She was virtuous was this woman, so ought to have been 'a crown to her husband'. God knows it has been 'a crown of thorns', but let that pass.

She came up to town, and called on the earl. She was all pathos and meekness, of course. She told her 'sad tale'. My relative was moved, a 'woman in tears' is more eloquent with some people, than

'the woman in white'! I received from my relative a very peremptory letter. I had some expectations from this man; it would not do to offend him; I consented to live with her again.

I smothered my resentment at being coerced into the reunion, and with her I went back to Hampshire, but my erotic readers would only feel bored with a narrative of the family squabbles which ensued, so I pass on to more interesting events.

About a mile from our cottage, was a handsome house surrounded by extensive pleasure grounds. This house was occupied by two ladies, who kept an establishment for young ladies. The front of the premises faced the road, while the plantation at the back abutted on an extensive rabbit warren, the property of my friend, the squire.

One day, having nothing better to do, I took my gun and, whistling to my dogs, sallied out to see if I could knock over a rabbit or two. I was creeping along the quickset hedge, which was a very high one, when I became aware that some of the merry girls were diverting themselves with a swing, and not being aware that one of the masculine gender was so near, made no scruple, in mere frolic, as it seemed, to show their dainty legs, and something more!

In those days drawers had not come generally into fashion and for one girl that wore them, ten did not. I thus had an unrestrained view, and the sight had such an effect on me, that I was obliged to pull out my truncheon to cool him in the summer breeze. I could see them very plainly through the hedge, but whether they could see me, remained to be ascertained. They had not yet chanced to look at the hedge.

Presently, one of them, a pretty little love of about thirteen, said, 'I want to pee!' and holding up her clothes behind, so as to give me full view of her plump white bottom, she squatted down over some stinging nettles, close to the hedge, and performed a very natural libation. The other girls laughed, and told her to 'take care she did not hurt her bottom'. Then the little lady jumped up, and pressing her hand over her clothes between her legs, as I divined to dry certain rosy lips, turned around to see how she had refreshed the stinging nettles. At that moment one of my dogs sneezed, the little girl raised her eyes, and in a moment beheld me from head to foot; my truncheon hard and erect, stood bolt upright, his mushroom-shaped head distended to an enormous size, while I, pretending to be doing what she had just done, stood quite immovable and affected not to see her at all. She stepped softly back to her companions, there was a good deal of whispering and the next instant the swing was deserted and the hedge lined with pretty, eager, blushing faces, like roses on a tree. They one and all looked with all their eyes, and I took care that they should not be balked. Dear little loves, if they wished to gratify their curiosity, why should they not? Now be it observed that I am the last man in the world who would intrude an obscene object before the eye of innocence and modesty; it would be something more than ill-bred and ungentlemanly, it would be cruel — and I am not cruel. I hate cruelty, whether a girl, or a poor cat is the victim, and the other day, taking a short cut through some of the back shims of Seven Dials, I found some young urchins grievously tormenting poor puss.

Whereupon I raised my stick and sent the rascals to the right-about, and lifting the poor little animal in my arms, I took her home to my lodgings, fed her, and retained her with me. Whenever I come home, poor puss comes up to me, purrs a welcome, arches up her back and rubs herself against my legs. She is grateful, and knows her protector, and I am rewarded. Now if I would not tolerate cruelty to so mean a creature as a cat, be sure I would not wilfully be cruel to a young girl. But these girls were evidently neither innocent nor modest. Ergo, I let them look their fill. At length they drew off, so I, taking up my gun, began popping at the rabbits. In about half an hour I had bagged three, so thinking that enough, I thought of going home. I was now at the other side of the plantation, where was a wall, for fruit trees I concluded; it was not very high, but sufficiently so to conceal me. I heard laughter and voices on the other side of this wall, and listened. It was the girls talking over their adventure.

'Well, there is one thing certain,' said one, 'he did not see us, and did not know we were looking at him.'

'Oh! that is evident,' said another, 'if he had seen us he would have gone away.'

'What a handsome man he was,' said a third, 'I hope I may get such a husband.'

'Yes,' said a fourth, 'and what a funny great thing it is! I wonder whether all men are like that.

I'm sure my little slit would never let it in.'

I was highly entertained with this chat, and longed to be amongst them, but it will never do to force matters, so I went home with my rabbits, and thought the matter over. How could I manage to get admitted within the sacred precincts?

After what the girls had said among themselves, it was plain there could be no ill consequences from the past adventure.

I therefore went boldly up to the house the next day, and sent in my card. I was asked into the drawing-room, and the ladies of the establishment appeared. I had expected to see a pair of shrivelled old maids. Imagine my surprise at beholding in the sisters a lovely woman of thirty, a widow, and a sweet creature of about five-and-twenty.

'Really,' said I, 'I feel I have taken an unwarrantable liberty by this intrusion, but I am an enthusiastic gardener [!], and I heard that your grounds were laid out with such exquisite taste — a taste all your own, I am fully aware — that I was most desirous to see them; then I am very fond of a good romp with children, and I flatter myself I can render myself agreeable to your young people.'

'I assure you, Captain S-, we are highly honoured by this visit. It has always been a source of regret to my sister and myself that we were unacquainted with Mrs S- and yourself. My poor husband was an officer in the Indian army, and Indian men are very acceptable society to me, and I have heard so much from the squire and from our worthy rector in your favour that I am delighted, I am sure, to become known to you,' said the pretty widow.

'Alas! madam,' said I, 'it would give me sincere pleasure to see my wife a little more sociable with her neighbours, but I will tell you entre nous, that she always conceives an antipathy for those who like me! She is so clever, too, that she generally manages to create a coolness between my friends and myself before long, and hence, whenever I meet with a more charming acquaintance than usual, I studiously avoid introducing her.' The sisters exchanged glances. 'Ah!' said I, pathetically, 'you have heard as much.'

'We had,' said they in a breath, 'moreover, that she has not a good temper.'

'I am always grieved,' said I, 'to admit the faults of the absent, but it is a fact. I deplore it much, but if you will permit me to visit your charming retreat sometimes, I shall feel proud of the honour you do me, I'm sure.'

It was about half-past one. 'This is the hour,' said the widow, 'that our pupils generally dine, and we take our luncheon; if you will favour us with your company at lunch, we shall be most pleased, Captain S-, and as you are fond of a romp, we will give the children a half-holiday, and you shall be master of the revels, if you will.'

Nothing could suit my book better, so I accepted at once.

No sooner did we enter the luncheon room, than every eye was fixed upon me; they recognised me at once, and deep were the blushes on the fair maiden cheeks. 'Girls,' said the widow,

'this is Captain S-, a gentleman of good family, and a friend of my landlord, the squire, and of our worthy rector. He is very fond of young people, and will show you several new games this afternoon, and has obtained a half-holiday for you.' All eyes were turned upon me, and their expression was all I could wish. The girls got very merry over their dinner, and we over our luncheon, and I managed so to ingratiate myself with my fair hostesses, that they pressed me to stay to dinner, and to pass the evening.

'It will give me the greatest pleasure,' said I, 'but permit me to write a line to my wife, to tell her not to wait dinner.'

'By all means,' said the sisters.

'Your gardener's boy can take it, I presume,' I continued.

'Oh yes,' said the sisters, 'Dick shall take it.'

I wrote as follows -

MY DEAREST LOVE — I am going to dine at the mess of the — th tonight; give the bearer my dress coat, a clean white waistcoat and my black trousers and varnished boots; put a clean handkerchief in the pocket of the coat, and give it a dose of Jean Maria Farina! I shall be home by half-past twelve.

Your faithful Sposo,

E. S-

'May I be permitted to give my injunctions to the messenger,' said I.

'Certainly,' said the widow, and she rang the bell. A servant appeared. 'Tell Dick to come up to the house directly,' she said.

Presently the same servant announced that Dick was in the hall. I went down. I eyed the lad from head to foot. 'Come out here into the garden,' said I. He was a bright, sharp boy. 'Now, my lad, look here, you know Carysfort Cottage?' said I.

'Yes, Sir.'

'You go there and deliver this note; if any of the servants or my wife asks you any questions, you will say that you came from the barracks at Winchester, mind, and that Captain S- (that's me you know) is going to dine there, and you will bring back a leathern bag with you here.'

'All right, sir,' said the lad, with a knowing look.

'You'll do, my lad,' said I, 'here's half a sov. for you.'

The boy looked first at the little bit of gold, and then at me.

'You don't mean I'm to keep this, captain?'

'Yes, be 'gad! that's for your trouble.'

'Dang it,' said Dick, 'you be a gentleman, and no mistake. All right, yer honour!'

This affair settled, I returned to the luncheon room.

'Now my dear Captain S-,' said the sisters, 'you'll excuse us accompanying you now. We are obliged to maintain a strict discipline, and the girls would not enjoy themselves half as much if we were present at the sports you are going to introduce them to; we shall therefore hope to have you all to ourselves this evening.'

I was so entirely of their opinion that I did not press the matter; and the young ladies and I sallied out together.

The swing was the first object of attraction for me, and to the swing we went.

'I'll show you how to swing my pets,' said I, and picking upon the prettiest girl among them, a charming blonde of twelve, 'Will you have a swing, my dear?' I exclaimed.

'I shall be delighted,' said the little creature.

I lifted her up to put her in, and in doing so managed to get my hand under all her clothes. She blushed, but made no opposition, so I had a good feel, and arranging her clothes so that everything would be shown, I commenced swinging her; every time she went high in air, I had an enchanting view.

At first there was a little affectation of modesty amongst them, but as I frigged them into the swing, one after another, the laughter and fun became universal. At length I proposed swinging with one of them in my lap, and took the opportunity to get into the one selected; at first she turned her blushing face towards me, and hid it in my bosom; but becoming animated with pleasure, she threw all restraint aside, flung out her legs and opened wide her thighs, so that all could see upon what sort of a pommel she was riding.

The girls surrounded us, they studied every movement, they frigged themselves and each other; they relished it immensely.

Suddenly one of them whispered, 'There's somebody coming!' so down went their clothes in an instant. I had no time to get out of my charmer, even if I had been inclined to, and contented myself with knowing that her muslin frock concealed both her and me. The gardener merely came with his mistress's compliments, and she hoped the young ladies were not getting too boisterous for me.

'Oh, dear me!' said I, 'say, with my compliments, if you please, that I am as much a child as any of them, and that we are all very happy!'

The gardener laughed and went away.

The swinging went on gaily, and ere many minutes our climax came. Most delightful was the novelty of the whole romp, and I do believe I might have had them all if I liked; but, unfortunately, just then the rope broke, and down we came to the ground. I was a good deal shaken, but I saved the girl from getting hurt.

We therefore now ran into the wood for a game at hide and seek; but, lo! just as we had all dispersed to find the hider, who should I behold coming down one of the avenues but — my wife!

I doubted not but she had found out everything, and plunged headlong into the wood; at length I reached a hedge, squeezed myself through an opening in it, and ran home at full speed.

There would be a scene of course, but I felt it was better it should take place at my house than before so many witnesses. Nothing could have been more unlucky, as it completely spoiled our sport.

I will not inflict on the reader an account of the row that ensued. Suffice to say that the boy Dick, clever as I thought him, went and told his father the injunctions I had given him about my being at Winchester. He also showed the old man the present I had made him. The gardener was a married man with daughters as well as sons. He saw me swinging with one of the young ladies in my lap (happily, he saw no more), and the rascal then went and told Augusta all he had learnt and seen.

She immediately divined the whole plot, and hence her sudden appearance on the festive scene. As to the ladies who kept the school, she rated them in no measured terms for their imprudence in allowing a rake like me such licence.

After this escapade, I could no longer remain in Hampshire, so packed my portmanteau, and was once more a gentleman at large in London.

One day I was going down Regent Street, when I met …

(The narrative here abruptly terminates, and as far as it has been possible to ascertain, itwould appear that the writer died shortly after; at all events he was never seen alive again by anyof his numerous acquaintance. — Ed.)