"Rabbit! Wake up! Wake up, damn you!"
Blackbird was shaking me by the shoulders, but it was like trying to climb out of the dark well of dream that had claimed me. I was so cold, my teeth were chattering and my whole body was shaking with it. My breath was coming in short gasps. I couldn't breathe. My eyes were open, but everything was clouded in misty grey.
"You think you've won," I heard her say through gritted teeth, "but I haven't even started."
She threw back the duvet and tore the white sheet back from the bed. Sliding across my legs, she straddled me, hip to hip, skin to skin. She took a deep breath, lifting her right arm high, her fingers stretched wide. Warm light filled her palm, spreading down the veins in her arm like molten gold.
Then she slammed the palm of her hand hard onto my chest. "He's mine! " she shouted to the ceiling.
Heat poured into my chest like opening a furnace door. The tightness binding my ribs relaxed and I pulled a huge breath into my lungs. My body flooded with tidal warmth. I felt the cold shrink and recede until it nestled like a tiny shard of ice in the stone which still hung around my neck.
Her hand slipped under the thong and grasped the stone, giving it a sharp tug, so it came away in her hand. She held it up, above and between us, an expression of regret in her eyes. Her eyes closed, her hand opened and dust fell from it, drifting down onto my bare skin. At that moment, dawn broke, bathing her in soft pink. Copper curls haloed around her head, catching the first light of day. Her breasts were pale, full and perfect, nipples dark and erect. The curve of her waist only emphasised the swell of her hips. As the light turned slowly golden, she slid her hands down onto my shoulders and leant over me. Her eyes had a corona of emerald around the black of her pupils, giving them a luminous quality. She had an unearthly beauty.
She spoke one word greedily, possessively: "Mine." She kissed me hungrily and my body responded, wanting her, needing her. She kissed me harder, catching my bottom lip momentarily between her teeth, then moved back down my body, planting kisses in a line from my neck down to my nipples. Heat welled into me. Sensuous warmth radiated out from her kisses as she wriggled slowly backwards until my hardness pressed against her. She moved up and then down and I shivered as I slipped inside her.
Biting her bottom lip, she pushed herself upright, back straight, eyes closed in concentration as she began a rhythmic oscillation. She lifted her arms, slowly from her sides, each motion bringing them a little higher until they were outstretched, palms upward. Her chin lifted and she looked balanced, poised.
Behind her, great wings unfolded, delicate and pale, changing colour like oil on water as they unfurled until they were full and transparent, like dragonfly wings. She opened her eyes and the wings blurred into invisibility. The room whirled into motion, paper tumbling about as the draught caught it from the dresser and the sheet billowed out behind her, rippling in the vibrant air.
She raised herself in one long slow movement, her tongue pink against the dark of her lips, her eyes glowing with green fire in their depths.
"Mine!" she declared, and thrust downwards, pushing me over so I cried out, and my body arched in answer to hers.
I slowly regained myself, breathing into her hair in the dark with her draped over me, nuzzling into my neck. The darkness had returned as if the dawn had reversed itself. I realised that the light I had thought was coming through the blinds had been inside the room. She had summoned the dawn to dispel my dream. She'd said she was a creature of fire and air and I had believed her, but I hadn't understood what that meant. It didn't tell the half of it. She was elemental, scary and incredibly beautiful. My arms were tight around her waist, my fingers interlocked behind her back and I hugged her to me, pressing her skin to mine. She mumbled something. "Huh?" I answered breathlessly.
She turned her head slightly and nibbled my ear and then whispered softly: "Mine."
"Am I still dreaming?" I asked her.
There was a huffing sound against my throat, that I interpreted as more laughter.
In answer she nibbled down my neck and then slowly, taking her time and with infinite care, she proved to me she was real.
I woke bathed in true sunlight in a snapshot from Kareesh's vision. The sheet was strewn across the floor, striped by yellow bars of light and the quilt was mounded in a heap at the bottom of the bed. The angle of the sunlight told me it was late morning and I sat up in bed, stretching to ease muscles that I hadn't used in too long. I rose and went into the bathroom to splash my face with cold water. The shock of it woke me further, but still left me with a dream-like quality I couldn't shake. I looked up in the mirror, seeing a face that looked almost familiar. I had changed. In some indefinable way my glamour had altered, something was different. My eye caught sight of the reflection of my shoulder, showing a semi-circle of teeth marks. I traced it with my finger. "Mine," she'd said. She had marked me as her territory.
I thought about that in the shower. I wasn't sure I was ready to be possessed in that way, but she had preempted that and claimed me for her own. If I didn't like it then why couldn't I stop smiling? That troubled me in a way I couldn't articulate all the way through dressing. I thought about it as I put the room into a semblance of order and then made my way down through the house.
She was in the lounge bar where we had been the night before, wearing a white silk shirt, which she tied at her waist, along with a long full dark green skirt. She was sitting at the table holding a mug of coffee over a plate of sausage, bacon and egg.
She put the coffee down carefully on the saucer. "Good morning, sleepy head."
Just the warmth of her voice brought back echoes of last night, inducing a low tightness in me. I sat down opposite her, covering my reaction, disconcerted by the influence a few innocuous words could have on me. She grinned as if she knew exactly what she was doing.
I noticed little changes in her too, or was it simply that I was seeing things differently? Her hair had a copper highlight I hadn't noticed before and her lips were stained as if she'd been eating raspberries. She looked up from her bacon and caught me staring.
"Did you sleep well?" she enquired politely, as if we had somehow slept separately and she was unaware of my nocturnal state.
"Like a baby," I admitted. I felt rested, restored.
"Excellent." She put a piece of bacon into her mouth and chewed thoughtfully.
"You?" I enquired in the same polite tone.
She swallowed. "Me? I was restless, up and down all night." Her eyes were wide with innocence.
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"Don't be. I slept till late."
"You're eating well," I commented on the full breakfast she was half-way though consuming. "Restlessness makes me hungry."
The landlord appeared, whistling merrily and carrying a plate of toast for Blackbird. "Good morning. Can I get you some breakfast?"
"I'll have the same, please." I indicated Blackbird's plate.
"No problem. It'll be five minutes." He walked back to the kitchen, whistling the tune "She Moved Through the Fair".
"He's cheerful," I commented to Blackbird.
"Overspill." She grinned over a sip of her coffee. "Overspill?"
"Our room is above theirs. I think they woke up in middle of the night and neither of them felt like going back to sleep." She grinned mischievously.
I coloured at what she implied. "You mean-"
"It's like when we were walking around the backs of Covent Garden. Some of my magic spilled over onto you, concealing us both. It's the same here, only it's stronger when there are two. "
"Oh. "
"Don't be embarrassed. It's a nice thing."
I remained slightly pink at the impact we had had on our hosts, watching her eat breakfast.
"You look different," I commented. "Nice. Fresh."
"Hmm. It's amazing what rampant sex does for a girl."
She grinned impishly while I looked over my shoulder to see if we were overheard.
"No, I just meant you look…"
"Contented?" she suggested. "Satiated?" She speared a sausage with her fork and bit the end off, making me wince. "No, I meant that you looked happy."
"I am happy. It's good for a girl to get what she wants, once in a while. You're mine, now."
Her use of the possessive pronoun echoed her words from the night before, disturbing me slightly. "You don't own me, Blackbird." The words came out sharper than I intended and her brow creased into a frown. "Sorry, I didn't mean that to sound as harsh as it did, but you can't own people. They belong to themselves."
She shrugged off the apology. "I should have explained it before, but there was never a good moment." She dipped a piece of bacon into the yolk of her egg and popped it into her mouth. "Explained what?"
"You haven't lived long among the Feyre, so you don't know, but they're different."
"In what way? I mean, I know they're different, but in what respect?"
"Their customs and practices are different. These days when humans choose a mate they sort of come to a mutual agreement about it between themselves, after a lot of dating and negotiating and promises and things. It's so muddled. No wonder so many relationships fail." She talked about it like it was an academic exercise, something she'd heard about, observed even, but never participated in. "The Feyre, on the other hand, are much more straight-forward and uncomplicated. The males make themselves available and the females choose who they like. It's easy. I chose you, and you're mine." She was very matter of fact about it.
"I'm only half-Fey," I pointed out, pouring myself the remaining half cup of coffee from the jug. "And so are you. "
"In this respect, that's the half that matters," she explained reasonably.
"What if I don't want to be chosen?" I was getting upset, but she remained calm.
"I told you, the males don't get any say in the matter. It's a female prerogative and that's the end of it." I folded my arms, feeling defensive.
"You were OK about it last night," she commented. "That was different."
"That's what I mean about humans complicating everything. It's not different to me. It's the same." There was a spark of anger in her tone now. "That's not what I meant."
"Look, Niall. You're getting all worked up about nothing. You're only complaining because you're not the one doing the choosing. Tell me one thing, are my attentions unwanted? "
"Well, no," I admitted.
"Did I force you into something you don't want? I mean, I could understand that the first time I might have caught you off-guard, but the second, the third?" She raised a sceptical eyebrow.
Whistling announced the return of the landlord with my breakfast, saving me from answering. I was still blushing when he placed the plate in front of me and asked me whether I would like any toast. If he noticed, he didn't say anything. I refused politely but asked him if we might have more coffee. He took our empty coffee jug and went off to make some fresh.
"I don't know why you're getting so upset. Fey males can wait a long time before they're chosen as a mate. You should be flattered, it's a great compliment to be chosen so young. "
"I'm not young."
"You don't even have your first half-century. By Feyre standards that makes you a stripling. "
"I don't judge myself by Feyre standards, and by my own standards I am a middle-aged man and used to making my own decisions."
The smell of grilled bacon was making my mouth water and my stomach grumble, so I started on the plate in front of me.
"You haven't noticed then?"
"Noticed what?"
"How much younger you're looking?"
"Am I?" I looked around for a mirror, then stood up and went to the bar, staring at my reflection in the glass behind the bottles. She was right. That was what had been nudging at my subconscious in the bathroom, earlier. It still looked like the face I had adopted, but I had lost about five years, overnight.
I walked slowly back to our table, glancing back to make sure it wasn't an illusion. "What's happening?" I asked her.
"It's hard to tell. Your body could be changing because of the magic I awoke within you. On the other hand, you could just be adjusting your glamour to suit your mood. Are we feeling particularly pleased with ourselves this morning, by any chance?" she probed. I grinned, shaking my head. She was impossible. As much as I tried to be offended that she had unilaterally determined the direction of our relationship, I couldn't stay angry with her. She was moody, fickle, scary, soft, warm.
I pulled myself back to reality and tried to focus on the food. But when I glanced upwards she was watching me, waiting for me to try and deny the truth. "What am I going to do with you?" I shook my head again.
She picked up her coffee cup and looked at me through the vapour. "The same thing as last night, I sincerely hope."
I mistimed my swallow and the piece of sausage I was chewing went down the wrong way, leaving me coughing and spluttering. The landlord helpfully appeared and patted me on the back while she sat and chuckled at me from the other side of the table. "Sorry," I apologised to him.
"Are you all right now?"
I nodded and he replaced the chrome flask of coffee.
"Is there anything else I can get you before I go and do the cellars?"
"No, thanks. We're fine, really."
"There's no rush, take your time," he reassured me and then went about his tasks. I took a slurp of coffee to help the food go down.
"Are we?" she asked me.
"Are we what?"
"Fine?" She put her elbows on the table and rested her chin on her knuckles, waiting for an answer. I put down my knife and fork for a moment. I was willing to let the issue go and see how it went, but she wanted an answer.
"You'd better tell me what the position of concubine to Blackbird of the Fey'ree involves."
"Very well. It's not marriage, if that's what you're thinking; the Feyre don't marry."
I nodded.
"Well, you get to stay with me and bring me presents every day, pamper me and bring me my meals, and every second Thursday you take me to my bed and then you- " She was grinning at me now. "Enough, enough. I'm serious."
"There are no proscribed tasks, Niall. It's not supposed to be a duty." She looked thoughtful for a moment, as if she thought perhaps she could introduce some. "You have to understand that the Feyre have been having problems with fertility for centuries. During that time the practice has evolved of letting the females choose the males they believe are most likely to get them with child. "
"You're not!"
"I might be." She watched an expression of mild panic cross my face. "That's what it's for, Niall, don't be so naive."
"But I already have a daughter, and I am definitely not ready to start another family. What about- "
"Niall, calm down. It's very unlikely I'd be pregnant this soon."
My thoughts tried to go in fifteen directions at once. "Just stop it. You just have to treat it as one of those things. If it happens, it happens. Fortune will decide." She was philosophical about it.
"But I'm not ready. I mean, I've only known you for a couple of days and I didn't realise what the consequences might be."
"Niall, you know where babies come from. You have one child already."
"No, of course I know where they come from, it's just that I hadn't thought it through. I just assumed- "
"You assumed I would take precautions to prevent a child."
"Well, yes. This is the modern world, after all."
She leant forwards, her face full of something raw. "Why would I do that, Niall? Why would I prevent something as wonderful as a new life?"
I suddenly understood what I had said and how much I was hurting her. It was not the same for the Feyre, or even the half-Feyre. She was over three hundred years old and it had never crossed my mind that in all that time she'd never had a child, but I could see in her face it was true. I was a father before I was thirty and it had all happened so naturally that I took it for granted, never giving it a second thought.
"I'm sorry, Blackbird. You took me by surprise. I was thinking of how I would manage to provide for such a child; who would look after it, care for it."
"I would care for it." She lifted her chin and dared me to contradict her. In that moment I knew that if anyone tried to harm a child of hers she would tear them limb from limb without a second thought, and I was in no doubt she was capable.
Since the break-up of my marriage I had drifted into occasional relationships, but they always ended bitterly when my erstwhile partner wanted more from me than I was prepared to give. The ties of my daughter and my ex-wife were just too strong, too tangled, to set me free. Blackbird hadn't asked me for more, but she'd taken what she needed and she was prepared to fight to keep it."I'm sorry," I said. "I wasn't thinking. "
"I'm not offended," she said. "It's just that you took me by surprise." She grinned at me again.
"Not like that." She showed no sign of repentance. "I mean, you surprised me by saying that you might be pregnant."
"If I am, then I am. If not, well then there's nothing to discuss, is there?" She looked defiant again. I met her gaze and there was a challenge there, a challenge to say more, to be more to her. I knew the words, but they wouldn't come. I looked away. She let me fiddle with my breakfast until I gave in and set my cutlery down. "Have faith, Niall, and all will be well."
I deliberately took her comment in the wider sense. "I can't help feeling it won't be that easy. In the dream, Raffmir's sister was looking for me"
She allowed the change of subject. "What do you remember?"
"It seemed more real then. There was a clearing in a forest of evergreens. It was unnaturally cold, frost on the ground with a crystal sky. She was waiting for me in the clearing, ringed around with thorns. She said something. What was it?" I cupped my face in my hands, trying to recall her words. "She called me Little Brother. That was it. 'They told me I had dreamed you.' That's what she said. "
"Did she say any more?"
"She kept asking me where I was, who I was with, who I was talking to."
"Did you tell her?"
"No. I don't think so. She started fading, dissolving. I thought she was vanishing, but she didn't. She drifted in towards me and I was so cold."
"She was feeding off your life-energy. "
"She can do that?"
"The older ones can. They can feed off the dreams of unguarded sleepers. That's how they survive. "
"Can she do it again?"
"Maybe. It's harder for her now you have a connection with me. That's the other reason to be mine. If you're mine then no other can have you, and you don't want to be hers."
The memory of the dream soured my stomach and killed my appetite and I put the knife and fork down, unable to finish the plateful.
"Are you going to eat that sausage?"
"No, I've had enough."
She swiped it from my plate and devoured it.
"After all, I could be eating for two. Kidding, kidding." She laughed at my distraught expression, but underneath her laughter was an edge of mischief that said it really, truly might be true.
"Will you know if you are pregnant?" I asked her, brushing her teasing aside.
"After a while, of course. But I don't expect it will happen straight away, so you're quite safe really, though perhaps…"
"What?"
"You remember the stone Megan gave you? "
"Yes? What happened to it?"
"I think she thought we were together then, when you first met her. It's curious really. Do you remember it warmed when I touched you?"
"It did until last night, when it went cold."
"It responds to fertility. It was telling you there was the potential for life, that we are compatible. "
"What do you mean, compatible."
"Fey fertility is complicated. Not all the Feyre are compatible with each other and only some combinations produce children. Not always the ones you expect, either."
"So what happened to the stone? Does that mean you're…"
"Quite the opposite. I had to get you back from her. Once she'd got her hooks into you I'd never get you free. I made a sacrifice. The stone helped to focus it. "
"What kind of sacrifice?"
"The potential for one life in return for another," she stated, challenging me to criticise her decision. "You gave her a life? You sacrificed an unborn child? "
"All sex is life, Niall. I gave her the potential for new life to distract her from you long enough get you free. Otherwise you'd still be lying up there, shivering and dying."
"At what price?" I asked her. I was grateful that she'd freed me from that dark glade, but the price was unthinkable.
"It wasn't a life, only the raw potential for one. I wouldn't give her a new life, even if it meant losing yours."
I wasn't sure whether I was reassured by that or not. What had we sacrificed? What price had we paid? Did she know? I didn't know what to say. I was torn between gratitude for getting me away from that chilling embrace and the shock and revulsion at how it had been achieved.
"Why did it have to be that? Isn't there another way? "
"A life for a life, Niall; nothing else is strong enough. The only way was to tempt her away with something stronger, something sweeter, and I was betting she hadn't been laid in a long, long time. It looks like I was right."
"So it wasn't a child? We hadn't, you know, conceived."
"I told you. It's very unlikely I would be pregnant this soon, no matter what happened. If it was that easy for us to have children, there would be a lot more of us. "
"And you're not pregnant then. Not if the sacrifice worked."
"I only gave her the first time, Niall, to get you back. The second and third times were for me, and for us. I didn't want it to be for her alone. I want you for me. I want our child."
There was a raw need there, coupled with a desire that scared me a little, while at the same time making my trousers too tight. It was flattering to be wanted that much, but her determination made me wonder whether it was me she wanted, or the child I could give her. Her words rang true, though, and I knew she meant them. Setting aside her desire for a child, she wanted me and was prepared to fight to keep me. And I wanted her. She was unlike any women I had ever met, and not just because she was part Fey. Her wry humour, her resourcefulness, her warmth, all had me thinking about words I hadn't used in a long time, words that had been poisoned for me by the breakdown of my marriage.
"I want you too," I said, which was less than I could have said, but the unspoken words were still too hard, too loaded with other feelings, to let free.
Hesitantly, she smiled, perhaps understanding.
"I could do with a shower before we leave," she suggested as she licked the grease from her fingertips. "I didn't want to wake you, before. And then we have an appointment to keep."
We went back up to the room together. I put our things ready on the bed while she showered and was sat waiting to go, but then she emerged clean, naked and smelling delicious and it was another three-quarters of an hour before we were both dressed again. She waited at the door to the stairs while I collected the bag and then kissed me warmly at the door. "Mine," she repeated.
"I wish you'd stop saying that," I told her. "'Tis truth."
She skipped lightly down, leaving me to negotiate the narrow stairway. When I reached the lounge bar she was waiting for me and talking to the landlord while he set up the pub for lunchtime opening.
"I hope you've enjoyed your stay. As I say, we don't normally do guests."
"Very much," Blackbird assured him. "It's a fine place you run here. I would recommend it."
I settled our account with some of my remaining cash, thanking him for his hospitality. Then we stepped out into the breezy sunshine to walk back down the lane.
As we came to the edge of the village, there was a payphone next to a children's playing field that I hadn't noticed in the dark. I asked Blackbird for a moment of privacy and she nodded and left me to make my call, taking herself to the middle of the field and lying on the mown grass, looking up at the clouds.
I fed coins into the machine and then dialled Katherine's mobile number. The number rang for four or five times and then picked up.
"Hello?" It was Katherine's voice.
"Hi Kath, it's Niall."
"Yes?"
"Are you both OK?"
"Who is this?"
"I told you, it's Niall."
The phone went dead and returned to the dialling tone. I kicked myself for not remembering our codephrase and re-dialled.
"Hello?" Katherine answered more cautiously "Katherine, how is the dog? "
"Niall, it is you. Why didn't you say?"
"I'm sorry, I forgot. You did the right thing, though, to put the phone down."
"We're being very cautious. We had a strange call yesterday and I've been screening them ever since. "
"What do you mean, strange?"
"It was on Alex's mobile. She had it with her even though it wasn't enabled for international. She knew she wouldn't be able to call anyone, but she was hoping to be able to text her friends."
"Who called her?"
"We don't know. It was this strange hollow voice. Alex answered it and spoke to them. She said they told her they had news of a gift she was going to receive and they wanted to bring it to her. She told them she was away on holiday, but they insisted they would bring it to her wherever she was. Niall? Are you there? "
"Yes. I'm here." If they had found a way to reach Alex then things were worse than I thought. "Did she tell them where you were?"
"No. She thought it was one of those competitions that are always ringing up trying to make you call expensive numbers. She just told them she didn't want anything and hung up."
"Thank goodness for that. Did they ring back?"
"Not so far. She's had it switched off, though, as she can't text her friends and it was just wasting the battery."
"Don't let her switch it back on. In fact, take it off her."
"I can't do that, Niall. It's her phone. She saved up for it."
"Well, tell her not to turn it on until I tell her it's safe. Make her promise."
"I can tell her, but you know what she's like. She can't be out of touch for five minutes without getting withdrawal symptoms."
"Tell her it's important. No. Better still, I'll tell her. Put her on, would you?"
"I will, in a moment. She wants to speak to you anyway. Are you all right?"
I was touched by the concern in her voice. "I'm fine. Did you get away OK? No problems?"
"What's happening, Niall? What's going on?"
"It's complicated, but we're sorting it out. I think it will be OK. Just bear with me."
"Niall, this better not be some sort of joke."
"It isn't, really. You're somewhere out of the country, yes?"
"Yes. We need to be back for Monday morning, though."
"Not unless I call you first, to let you know it's safe, OK?"
"I have to get her back for school, Niall. We can't stay here."
"No. You stay where you are until I let you know it's clear. I don't care about school or anything else. Just trust me, OK?" There was silence on the other end of the line. "Katherine?"
"OK, but you'll call me as soon as you can. You won't just leave me hanging here?"
"As soon as it's clear. I promise."
"Don't do anything stupid."
Normally that admonition would have sparked a harsh come-back, but I could hear the worry in her voice. "I won't. Take care of yourselves. "
"We will. I'll put her on now."
There was some background noise as the phone was passed across.
"Dad?"
"I'm here."
"Dad, are you all right?"
"Yes, I'm OK. I'm fine."
"Mum said you were in some sort of trouble."
"It's nothing I can't handle, I just don't want you and your mum dragged into it, that's all."
"She said someone was trying to hurt you."
"They tried, babe, but I'm ahead of them. Listen to me, now. I want you to keep your phone switched off while you're there, OK? It doesn't work abroad, anyway. "
"But it's working. It rang."
"That's why you have to switch it off, sweetheart. "
"But, Dad?"
"Alex, please. This is important. I don't want anyone to know where you've gone until I've sorted things out and they might use the phone to find you, understand? You have to do this for me. "
"OK, I'll switch it off."
"Give the battery to your mum for safe keeping and then it won't switch on by mistake, OK. "
"It won't. It doesn't do that."
"If you give the battery to your mum, I'll buy you some credits for it when you get home. How about that?" Bribery would usually succeed where parental authority failed.
"Well, OK, I suppose."
"Thanks, babe."
"Dad, when can we come home?"
"Soon. I'll call you."
"What do we do if you don't call?"
"Your mum will know what to do, sweetheart. I'll call you. Until then, I want you to stick with your mum. She'll look after you."
"It's not me I'm worried about." She suddenly sounded like her mother.
"It'll be OK. I promise. Go and give your mum a hug and I'll call you in a day or so when this is all sorted out, all right?"
"OK."
"You take care now."
"No. You take care."
"I will."
"Bye."
I waited to see if Katherine would come back onto the line, but it beeped at me and dropped the call, leaving me looking at the phone and wishing I had some way to explain.
I put the handset back on the cradle and the phone disgorged leftover coins into the change tray with a chunking sound. I collected them and pushed out of the phone box, walking over to where Blackbird lay looking at the clouds. I sat down beside her. "Are they safe?"
"Yes, but they had a phone call like Claire's on Alex's phone. How did they know the number? "
"Maybe they called directory enquiries?"
"I made sure it's not listed. They're not supposed to give out the number."
She rolled over so that she could lean on her elbow and look at me. "Where are they?"
"I don't know, away somewhere."
"That's probably best," she remarked. "They should be safe once the ceremony is performed with the proper knives again. It will reinforce the barrier and stop them crossing so easily. "
"Will we ever be safe again?" I asked her.
She shook her head. "Never. Better get used to it."
It struck me how different she was from Katherine, how much more independent. But then Katherine was looking after our daughter, which rather put a dampener on the independence thing.
Something had changed, though. Usually when I spoke with Katherine there was a bitterness from things unsaid or things that should never have been said that our separation hadn't salved. Like an open wound, it festered between us and leaked poison into my relationship with my daughter. But this morning had been different. I found myself worrying about Katherine and Alex, their safety and welfare still forward in my thoughts, but I wasn't left with the feeling that I had failed to meet even the basic standards of fatherhood. I didn't feel bitter about what she'd said, or not said. I was just worried, scared even.
I realised I loved them both. I loved Alex, of course, she was my daughter and the centre of my world, but it was a shock to realise I still loved Katherine. I had thought all of that had been burned up in the conflagration that was our divorce. Instead I found I still cared for her and it still mattered to me that she was safe, and if possible, happy. It was like putting down a burden I hadn't realised I been carrying. Perhaps I had finally begun to heal.
I had been daydreaming and came back to myself looking down into dark green eyes full of sky. She was watching me.
"You were miles away," she said.
"I was thinking."
"What about?"
"About how a woman I've known for a little over forty-eight hours could turn my life upside down and hand it back to me."
She shoved me playfully in the chest and, unbalanced, I rolled backwards. She scrabbled to her feet and leapt on top of me landing on my stomach. Catching hold of my wrists she pinned them to the grass with unexpected strength and then pressed her lips to mine until I stopped struggling and started cooperating. She rubbed the end of her nose against mine. Shadowed by her hair, I looked up into her eyes seeing the green spark in them rekindled. "You're insatiable," I told her.
"Impossible," she agreed, nodding slowly and brushing my nose with hers. That look of proprietary possessiveness came back into her eyes. "Don't say it," I told her.
She leapt to her feet and grabbed her bag in one fluid movement and was walking off across the field while I was still getting to my feet.
"You'd better get used to it," she called over her shoulder.
I trailed after her, shaking my head and wondering what on earth I had got myself into.
The lane to the farm was bright with sunshine and filled with wildlife. A fox trotted casually across our path and we saw clouds of starlings circling overhead until they wheeled away. Kestrels hovered overhead searching for tiny prey in the grass, ignored by the sheep grazing in the fields beyond the wire fences. Blackbird curled her hand in mine and I was able to pretend for a while that we were simply walking.
As we approached the farm, though, the mood became more sober. The air downwind of the farm was tainted by the smell of charcoal and the hint of iron on the air had my breath catching in the back of my throat and so I avoided breathing in the smoke that was turned, twisted and swept away by the fickle breeze. The dogs announced our arrival with a frenzy of barking; the smaller bitch would come nowhere near us but barked from the safety of the kitchen door. Jeff Highsmith came down to the gates for us, looking tired and smudged with charcoal and soot from his labours. "It's almost done," he told us. "Dad's just finishing grinding off the edge."
He took us across the courtyard and into the kitchen, where his wife was waiting and then left us with her to go and see how the work progressed. Meg Highsmith greeted us formally but politely in a way that made me wonder what her husband had said to her. She offered us lunch but we declined on the basis that we had so recently had breakfast.
"A cup of coffee would be most welcome, though," Blackbird suggested.
Blackbird and I sat at the kitchen table as she busied herself around the kitchen preparing lunch for her family and coffee for us.
After a few minutes Jeff, his father, and his daughter filed in.
"There," he said. "Done." He placed the newly finished knife in the centre of the table with a flourish. Blackbird and I looked at each other. The knife sat there, inert, innocuous, unremarkable. "Something's wrong," we said in unison.